Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 10 1 2 3 9 10
#2556057 04/10/15 05:02 PM
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 250
K
Kramer Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 250
Cadet recommended that I start new thread since old one is getting ready to lock, so here goes...

I am hoping that Mods can link my old threads, but until they do, here is a quick recap:
Letting go Q's
Newbie needing advice



My wife and I were married for 17 years. I had 4 children, she had 4 children, and we adopted her niece (18) at 4 years of age. We had a busy household and lots of drama, but a wonderful and fulfilling life (or so I thought) until recently. We truly never fought about much and only had minor disagreements. We were the stable couple in our circle of friends, and I was proud to be together.

Over the past few years, there was even more stress than usual with teenagers, legal issues with her children, and poor health of her parents. I started to feel unappreciated and "second best", and started pulling away emotionally. We had some arguments, but nothing of any magnitude. In October 2014, she became much more distant and aloof. Still sleeping and cuddling together, but no intimacy, which she attributed to perimenopausal symptoms and endometriosis/fibroids. I got the ILYBINILWY talk on 12/15/15. She sent me to see my kids over Christmas break, and I discovered proof of her PA on New Years Eve. I sent email to her and OM, and came home the next day. I told her that I was willing to work on things and I thought we were on same page.

The following week, she drove herself to work as usual, and underwent a hysterectomy. She did not tell me or her family, and had OM present during the surgery. Come to find out that they had planned this in early December. I was livid, but still took off the next day to help with her recuperation. She repaid my compassion by going to the courthouse and filing divorce papers on Jan 6, 2015. She then went up to OM house for the weekend. I moved out that weekend. She has been staying at our house during the week since then, and going to OM house on the weekends.

She hired a process server for divorce papers, and I was finally served on March 18, 2015. She moved to her own physical address on March 2, 2015, and I have since moved back into our old house. Her 17 year old son lives with her. Her niece has chosen to live with me. Her other sons have moved out and are not happy with her decisions or actions. I still have family dinners for her children every week. In contrast, she has not had any contact with my 4 children (and 8 grandchildren) since BD.

Her actions seem to show a steely resolve for divorce as quick as possible. She is still in relationship with OM, and wants to continue/advance that relationship. OM is quite well off financially, is a widower, and has 3 small children. Wife has latched onto kids and completely ignored her own family.

I tried to negotiate divorce terms with her, but she did not want to. I hired a lawyer and submitted my response this week. She wanted me to take all of the debt and to keep our own retirements. I simply want 50/50 on everything. We have no children between us, no property, and make about the same salary.

I'm still interested in staying together/reconciling, and have realized that I can only control my own actions. I am doing my best to detach, but admit to being emotionally tied to her nonetheless. NC in last week, but I think about contacting her daily. My head accepts and knows the reality of the situation, but my heart is lagging behind.

Last edited by Cadet; 04/10/15 06:08 PM. Reason: link

Me M51
WW F46
T 17 yrs
M 16 yrs
9 children D29 D27 D26 S24 S24 S19 S19 niece18 S17
8 grandchildren
ILYBINILWY: 12/15/14
I discover PA 12/31/14
She files D: 1/9/15
She moves out 3/2/15
D papers served 3/18/15
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
I read your response to me on our previous thread. The post I read about the negotiation aspect didn't clearly state that she refused to negotiate.

Be careful about mindreading.

Be who you want to be through this.

Do you know who that is?

That's your ticket off the roller coaster and to the high road.

Last edited by labug; 04/10/15 05:22 PM.

Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2556069 04/10/15 05:29 PM
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 250
K
Kramer Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 250
Originally Posted By: labug
I read your response to me on our previous thread. The post I read about the negotiation aspect didn't clearly state that she refused to negotiate.

Be careful about mindreading.

Be who you want to be through this.

Do you know who that is?

That's your ticket off the roller coaster and to the high road.

I am confused by your post. What mindreading? I asked her to negotiate with me, and she never responded. Should I have contacted her a second or third time with the same message? I am so confused about communication in general. Such a fine line between pursuing, aloofness, and healthy detachment.

I want to be the person with morals, compassion, dedication, and honesty. I do not want to be vindictive, but also need to protect myself in the legal process. I do not want to cut off all communication, but do not want to come across as needy or wimpy.

Can you help me with that?


Me M51
WW F46
T 17 yrs
M 16 yrs
9 children D29 D27 D26 S24 S24 S19 S19 niece18 S17
8 grandchildren
ILYBINILWY: 12/15/14
I discover PA 12/31/14
She files D: 1/9/15
She moves out 3/2/15
D papers served 3/18/15
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 250
K
Kramer Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 250
Anybody???

Please give me guidance on communication and doing the right thing in my sitch.


Me M51
WW F46
T 17 yrs
M 16 yrs
9 children D29 D27 D26 S24 S24 S19 S19 niece18 S17
8 grandchildren
ILYBINILWY: 12/15/14
I discover PA 12/31/14
She files D: 1/9/15
She moves out 3/2/15
D papers served 3/18/15
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
Originally Posted By: Kramer
Anybody???

Please give me guidance on communication and doing the right thing in my sitch.

First of all DB101 - PATIENCE

Originally Posted By: Kramer
Originally Posted By: labug
I read your response to me on our previous thread. The post I read about the negotiation aspect didn't clearly state that she refused to negotiate.

Be careful about mindreading.

Be who you want to be through this.

Do you know who that is?

That's your ticket off the roller coaster and to the high road.

I am confused by your post. What mindreading? I asked her to negotiate with me, and she never responded. Should I have contacted her a second or third time with the same message? I am so confused about communication in general. Such a fine line between pursuing, aloofness, and healthy detachment.

I want to be the person with morals, compassion, dedication, and honesty. I do not want to be vindictive, but also need to protect myself in the legal process. I do not want to cut off all communication, but do not want to come across as needy or wimpy.

Can you help me with that?

I think that the less communication you have the better,
however (and I am not LABUG)she felt that since she did not respond you were interpreting that as non-negotiation

Understand that your wife is in as much turmoil as you right now, so she may not be thinking clearly either.
So maybe she did not have time or is too much in a fog to do anything.

There are no hard and fast rules about this,
do what YOU feel is right.
What YOU can live with.

The changes we make are for us,
the boundaries we have are to protect us.
Everything we do is so we can be the best that we can be.

What does Kramer want and how do you get there?


Me-70, D37,S36
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,807
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,807
Kramer

She filed for divorce right? She had you served with papers right? She refused to negotiate right?

Then don't feel guilty about hiring a lawyer to protect yourself. Hiring a lawyer is not being vindictive. You are protecting your self under the law.

She is the one who chose to unilaterlally blow up your marriage and family. You also don't have to come across as needy or wimpy.

Now that you have your lawyer, all communication about the Divorce goes through him/her. You are out of the emotional process? That's why the lawyers get the big bucks. Any other communication you may have with her should be cordial, polite and brief. I am having a hard time of that but am working on it.

She is legally bound to respond to your lawyer following her divorce petition, that is standard operating procedure. If her AP is loaded, he will not mind giving her some money for the lawyer fee's right?

Do you communicate with her at all now?


Was made a better person by DB'ers
Cadet #2556133 04/10/15 08:24 PM
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 250
K
Kramer Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 250
Cadet:

I'm fine with being patient. I just don't want to screw anything up. I want to do the right thing and keep my slim chances for reconciliation alive.

I'm not sure if I should have contacted her and told her that I was hiring a lawyer when she didn't reply to my request. I was clear in my email that there was a timetable involved. Not my timetable, mind you, but a legal timetable brought on by HER filing for divorce. I'm sure she feels blindsided. Sort of like me at BD and when she filed for divorce. Not my intention, just a reality of the legal issues at hand.

Please tell me if I should reach out to her and explain, or just leave things alone.


Me M51
WW F46
T 17 yrs
M 16 yrs
9 children D29 D27 D26 S24 S24 S19 S19 niece18 S17
8 grandchildren
ILYBINILWY: 12/15/14
I discover PA 12/31/14
She files D: 1/9/15
She moves out 3/2/15
D papers served 3/18/15
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
Originally Posted By: Kramer
just leave things alone.

As you explained you were just defending yourself, no need to respond it is pursuit.

The patience had a double meaning,
look at the time you asked for help above,
49 mins later you posted again......

I was still working on your links, LOL!


Me-70, D37,S36
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
Originally Posted By: HeavyD
Kramer

She filed for divorce right? She had you served with papers right? She refused to negotiate right?

Then don't feel guilty about hiring a lawyer to protect yourself. Hiring a lawyer is not being vindictive. You are protecting your self under the law.



BINGO.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 1,686
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 1,686
Hi Kramer,

I feel your pain! My situation is similar to yours in that my WAW has 3 children and I have 3 from a previous marriage. One difference, as far as I know, is that there is no OM involved. My WAW is staying 3 1/2 hrs away with her Mom/Stepdad.

We didn't fight much, but once all of our children (except 1 still who lives with his Dad) went to college, my W started acting distant, too.

I was on the WAS forum since December until recently I realized that it is for WAS's who support each other, not the LBS.

Please hang in there! My W seems to have resolve to get the D over with, but just the other day she sent me a text mentioning how much she misses me, etc. but not the "stressful situation." She has MS and I became overprotective to summarize. Problem is...she never told me or I wasn't listening.

If you have time, check out my thread on this forum (Newcomers). I have received some great advice, as I see you have, too.

We'll get thru this!

Bob


Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS)
M:14 yrs
T:15 yrs
No children together--3 each from previous marriages
Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14
Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14
Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Page 1 of 10 1 2 3 9 10

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard