Alpha Step At A Time #5

[alpha99]

Hi Toots,

As ever thanks for your comments. Yeah, W does seem to be really wayward now. I am wary of twinmom's comments that I am just saying I'm better than my W all the time, but I have to say it does seem like she has regressed to a kind of moral free rebellious teenager in some ways. Unfortunately when I was a bit of a mess immediately post break up she took advantage to make sure things are in her favour finance wise. I am recovering from that now but she isn't contributing at all to our household bills which makes things more difficult for me.

Dating wise, I understand where you're coming from. Of course I would like things to work out with this girl otherwise I wouldn't have dated her. I have made one or two new friends recently and they have commented how just a few months separated is no time at all - one of these people has been S for around two years and still doesn't feel ready to move on! It's funny, I don't feel I'm fooling myself or looking to replace something, but of course everyone would like to share their life with someone, and I feel that since saving M seems incredibly unlikely to happen (neither of us want it really) then I don't see the need to hang around and wait a set time. I am very much a person who can 'switch off' bad things pretty quickly (nothing like a M of course) and move on without much thought about the past. I feel I am doing that now with my M. Circumstances mean that I am only seeing W maybe once a week - if that. I don't miss her. When I see her I feel some pity for her actually, pity that she feels she has made the right choice and is moving on with her life, but she hasn't realised that she had it pretty damn good beforehand and the likelihood of that happening again for her (not just statistically, but knowing her intimately, personally as well) is quite low. I'm sure she could find a new boyfriend etc today if she wanted to, but finding a long term partner is going to be hard for her.

Of course I find myself in that boat too, but I don't have the kids living with me to contend with and I don't think (maybe wrongly) that there's the same kind of stigma around that when it comes to men.

Regarding your comments toots about a healthy young woman not getting involved with me at this stage, I guess you're right. This girl mentioned her own emotional baggage (long term R ended months ago) so maybe that is coming into it too. Maybe it is simply an attraction thing. I don't know. I do know that I'm going to carry on the path I've started down of changing my life for the better, being a great dad, living life to the full, and if something or someone comes along as part of that I'll have to assess at the time what the best thing to do is then.

[alpha99]

In the continuing saga that is my W messing me about, she has texted today to ask if I wanted the kids overnight later in the week on a day when I normally wouldn't. I've already made plans and said I couldn't. What followed was a narky text full of criticism, essentially bemoaning the fact that I don't jump when W clicks her fingers. What she fails to realise is that I know her parents are away this week and so she is feeling the full force of having the children more than normal. Well, these are the arrangements that she wanted so she'll have to deal with it. I still see them in one way or another on five days of the week, so I'm doing my share of parenting.

At times like this it is so frustrating. However people feel about me saying it, everyone with half a brain that we know would agree that I am by far the better parent. As W attempts to dictate terms and conditions on where, when, how I see my children, I am gradually reaching the point, now that my initial shock and sadness at things is long over, of considering legal action to shut her up and have my children with me. She is funding her life based on the benefits that she receives for the children, and from what I see not really using said benefit money for the purposes of the children.


It's not the case that she is working hard and doesn't have time for them. She's reduced her work under the guise of spending more time with them, but the children say they just play on computer games and are left in their room to play alone, haven't been the park etc, and spend a lot of time at their grandparents. When I returned them to her at the weekend I had to bang hard on the door as she was still in bed even though she knew the children were due back at that time.

All in all her freedom appears to have allowed her to be as stupid as she likes. I did keep that kind of stuff in check when we were together. I'm not absolving myself of past responsibility for things but at the same time when I clearly the more educated/interested in organising things then of course it fell on me to manage things. It's becoming increasingly clear she is struggling to manage anything at all (disciplinary trouble at work, not completing on going work training, poor financial management, not managing house sale/divorce at all, so on and etc).

I've taken a back seat to this point over joint decisions about the house etc as up until recently I was hoping that we wouldn't go through with a sale and that things would work out. That isn't going to happen and so I think I'm going to have to drive this process along now.

I do feel lonely at times, particularly in the evenings when there is nothing to do, but I'd much rather be alone than back with someone who acts/thinks like a child. Once again, the children are a big consideration of mine, but should someone else come along, and I'm not actively seeking that but it's happened once recently with my few dates so I guess it's a possibility, then I would be open to seeing what happens.

[twinmom]

Based solely on what you have written if I were to meet you I would run the other way.
I think I have said this before, it's not about what you exactly say or do but your way of looking at the world. It comes across without even saying the words.
If you have a mind set that you are better than others it shows to EVERYONE not just the person/people you think you are smarter/better looking/more mature than.
Anyone that sees this will most likely be very turned off by it and not want to **possibly** be on the receiving end of this attitude.

I guess this is VERY personal for me as I have been on the receiving end of someone I love and value thinking they were a better parent and I was "not always a good mom". I know the damage it can do to a relationship. Not ONE single day goes by that I don't think about my husband thinking I wasn't a good mom (I was too strict in his opinion) this was NEVER said directly to me. It has caused WAY more damage than his affair.

Please try and see things from someone else's perspective.

[alpha99]

I totally understand your reaction twinmom, particuarly if you have experienced something similar yourself. I've said before though, my attitude is specific to my W and not a general trend of mine to think I'm better than everyone else.

Some people (my W) are simply just not good parents.

If that comes across as being judgmental on my part, then I will just have to live with it looking that way. In the past my W has left the gas jet on after cooking, then put a cardboard box on top of the still on gas ring, and then went to bed, she's left the fridge open so our food went off, placed a fan with no cover over it next to the kid's cot when the kids were reaching out to it, walked out in front of cars when pushing a pram, left dishes to rot until food turned green in the microwave...I could go on and on and on. Sure, I'm not perfect, far from it, but I did put up with an awful lot from her over the years. I did that because I loved her. I don't love her anymore. She just simply didn't take her medication that would have resolved a lot of those issues. I think it just grates an awful lot that someone who is not very organised, is increasingly self centred, self, greedy etc etc is dictating things to me, when she can't think straight herself.

I don't think there's much of a point in my last few posts other than to vent a bit...so hopefully that's it for now. All of this is just strengthening my resolve to move forward in my life.

In a parallel world maybe all our problems could have been a catalyst for change for the better for her. I think it has been for me, as I've written about previously. Maybe she could have looked at herself, shown remorse for breaking up our family, for her actions, and set out on a path to become a better person. If anything it just feels like she's pulled the plug completely on the life we had and anything good about her is disappearing down the drain.

[twinmom]

Then honestly if she is that neglectful why have you EVER left her alone with your children. From what you have written they are in danger (and what you describe above is dangerous) and you need to have full custody of the kids.

[alpha99]

Well, that's the point I'm reaching. She is their mum and they love her, and I would never want to deprive her from seeing them or even having them.

However, in recent weeks I've picked my daughter up and she has had sleep in her eyes, snot falling out of her nose. W informed me yesterday she is behind on some bills, has lost some of the kids' school uniforms. My S informed me he spends most of his time in his room.

In other words she is very unorganised, not very 'motherly' in the normal sense, and is using her apparent desire to be a better mum to fund her socialising lifestyle from the child benefits she receives.

I don't think the kids are in immediate danger in the sense that she would ever deliberately harm them, just that they don't get the attention they deserve, and the attention they would get from me. Again, W is using the kids as a reason to cut work hours, use their benefit money to go on nights out, and then complain to me how hard life is.

I can't afford a solicitor right now to fight this. Due to UK cuts in legal aid I don't see the possibility of getting any help there, but I have started to build up a file of evidence on W that I may use at some point not too far off in the future as part of a child custody claim.

[twinmom]

"Sleep in their eyes" and "snot in their nose" is a big difference than almost burning down the house, having moldy food in the kitchen where the kids could eat it and pushing them in front of cars.......

Read what you wrote again.

[alpha99]

Well, things took a turn for the worse today.

My W came to our house to tidy it up a little before it goes on the market to be sold...hopefully soon.

She left a load of stuff in the front garden to be thrown out. All good stuff though that should be saved. She came to tell me she had done this. I went to the house and moved some of the stuff back into the house because I wasn't going to throw it away. She made demands over it being out of the house by a certain time. That's where the problem began.

Having had enough of her attempting to dictate terms to me, I told her exactly what I thought of her demands to have things moved according to her schedule. This resulted in quite an argument in the street. We were both relatively quiet, we weren't screaming and shouting, but I did call her a cheap tart and said I wanted nothing to do with her other than to exchange the kids. That was the end result of her smugly smiling, making her usual threats, saying she could be nasty and that she could take the children away and go through the courts and only have them see me once every two weeks. All unfounded nonsense of course but it did rile me a little.

I said I want the house sold asap and the divorce just the same. Her total change in personality means she is no longer appealing in anyway. It's like letting the patient take over the mad house. I really dislike her these days and I don't see that changing any time soon. Her frequent response to things was 'you can't control me and tell me what to do anymore'. She doesn't seem to realise that I have no interest in controlling her or telling her what to do, but when she does stupid things with our children or our possessions then I of course will have an opinion.

For anyone reading this thinking maybe she had a point and things do need to be moved out, yeah I understand, but as an example she left a bin bag with an E-reader sat on top of it in full view on the front step in the front garden. This wasn't done out of spite, jealousy, anger etc, it was done out of the complete lack of thought that seems to have enveloped her in recent times.

I know this post is little more than a rant but I do find it useful to put my thoughts down somewhere.

[Sotto]

Hi Alpha, I'm sorry things took a turn for the worse for you guys. I think the process of actually splitting things and selling the marital home is stressful and emotions can run high.

How are you feeling about things now? Have you and your W had any contact since the argument? I guess from a DB perspective, we're aiming for a balance between boundary setting and keeping in mind our end goal. It sounds as though your W crossed a boundary for you when she put stuff out on the lawn without consulting you. And I think it's fair enough to call her on that.

It's a shame that things deteriorated though, and I'm sure you already know that calling your W a cheap tart isn't going to get you closer to reconciliation if that is what you still want. But maybe from what you write it isn't?

Maybe for now it's best to focus on coparenting and maintain as good a R with your W as possible even though circumstances are difficult. Getting drawn in to an argument like you describe is 'attachment' and if you are able to be more detached, things are far less likely to escalate because your W can't argue with herself, can she?

Keep posting Alpha. There's still much journeying ahead for most of us here, and we all benefit from some help and support along the way - take care.... (((Alpha)))

[alpha99]

Hi toots,

I don't want reconciliation now to be honest. I was willing to forgive an affair, I believe I had pretty quickly actually, but I cannot forgive the ongoing behaviour out of my W.

I did call her back the other day just to say sorry for the name calling. I said I just want to get on for the kids, go through this whole process as amicably as we can, and move on with life. Her words agree but her attitude stinks!

You see, I've read in lots of threads about a WW's behaviour and how irrational it can seem. The difference with my W is that left to herself she is irrational anyway, regardless of affairs and everything else. I worked this out pretty quickly after meeting her all those years ago but being a little older, earning more money at the time, and yes, being the man, I assumed (wrongly) that over time she would mature and see sense once I'd shown her how to run things properly. The reasons I had financial control on our R was because she was absolutely useless with money. Her medical condition and being spoilt rotten as a child contribute to this. Sure, I kept things on too tight of a rein in the last few years no doubt but now she is independent her irrationality has exposed itself 10x over.

So the next thing is this: W did an extra shift at work apparently that is paid differently to her normal wages, and this additional money was paid into my account by mistake. I have only seen her once since and just forgot to give her the money. No big deal in my eyes, I'll just give it to her when I see her next. Apparently she has been on the phone to her mum complaining that I'm withholding the money etc, that's she's asked several times, that she's desperate for it etc. This is not true, and also ignores the fact she owes me £100s for her share of the household bills she hasn't paid since leaving.

So when I drop the kids off at MIL's this morning I was faced with a whole load of spew about solicitors, them having loads of money, W getting more than 50% share of the house sale money etc etc. All ridiculous stuff. No mention of the 10x amount that wife owes me.

Here's some logic for you:

* According to MIL, W shouldn't have to pay any household bills because she was 'forced' to move out (I moved out first). W chose to leave of her own free will.
* W should get more money from house sale because she has the kids (we have no legal arrangement there) despite not paying any bills.
* House is a mess still (W's mess from when she lived there - her clothes laying around etc) but it's my fault that I haven't tidied it up for her.
* A few other things I won't go into now.

I didn't bite for the most part but there's only so long anyone can put up with a bunch of halfwits! I have to drive past W's house on the way home so I pulled over and knocked on the door. No answer. I called her, asked if she was in. She said yes. I said I'm outside. She said, 'oh no, I'm not in'...Lies just stream out her these days!

You can't say a sentence of sense without hearing 'I'm not interested anyway' or 'that doesn't matter now' all because she doesn't like hearing anything resembling the truth.

Now, reading this I'm certain it comes across as obviously being biased in my favour. I am very polite on the phone with W but do set the record straight and won't accept the nonsense she comes out with to justify things (had an affair because she couldn't buy new clothes every week being one amongst many ridiculous excuses).

The conversation ended with agreement that the house money should be 50/50, divorce should happen ASAP, and we shouldn't fight. It's a shame I can't trust her as far as I can throw her these days!