Alpha Step At A Time #5

[Sotto]

Hi Alpha, good to hear from you. I'm pleased to hear about your growing confidence and that you seem more detached from what your W is doing. JMHO, but I think you should remain very aware that dating isn't the answer right now.

If you've read my sitch, you'll see that one of the big things that has caught up with my H is that he never got to be a full time Dad. That was a product of the breakdown of his first M, and he just got to parent at weekends because of that. Only you can decide what you want to do, but be aware that these are big decisions and that things may well change yet with your W.

If you get straight involved with someone else, you're just avoiding work that you need to do. Best to focus on a more healthy route of making new friends, doing new activities, being a good Dad, working on yourself and so on. You don't need affirmation from a new woman for any of that. JMHO, and I wish you the best, whatever you decide.

Have a good weekend :-)

[alpha99]

Hi Toots,

As ever thanks for your words of wisdom. I have caught up on your sitch and read about your H missing out on being a FT dad. For me that is the one lingering bone of contention in my own sitch. I have the kids for 3 days each week but with them sleeping over etc I see them in some form for 5 days a week. Of course I miss the day to day life with them but frankly there's nothing I can personally do about that now. Again, W is perfectly clear in wanting to divorce, no ifs, no buts, just needing the money to go through with it.

I'm actually getting on better with the in laws at the moment on those rare occasions I see them. I've only seen W once or twice in over a week. We have limited texts and calls and it's purely to make arrangements. I think I've made giant strides in detachment. I rarely think about W and I don't miss her.

I understand the caution over dating. I am getting out and doing new activities, meeting new people, working out hard at the gym, having fun, and experiencing life in a new way. I do believe that I am making positive changes both in myself and my life, and I see dating as a part of that. This girl somewhat pursued me initially, and it has to be said she is a stunner, a good match for me, and so I'm just rolling with it. I don't know what will happen with her but I'd like to find out. The point being I didn't seek this out but I think I'd be a fool not to explore it.

[twinmom]

Toots you said what I had typed and deleted about 5 times...... Except you said it in a tactful way and unfortunately I kept deleting because I know I was coming across too harsh.

Alpha, your "I'm better than you" attitude hasn't changed. And if I were a betting person (I'm not, gambling makes me sick to my stomach nervous) I would say any new relationship is doomed to the same problems when the "new relationship high" wears off.

If you reread your posts YOU sound like a WAW in the middle of an affair, justifying your actions by turning everything your wife does/is into a negative.

[alpha99]

Hi twinmom,

I have just reread my recent posts and I can see how it does come across like you're suggesting. On the face of it it would seem I'm comparing and contrasting my W to suit my own ends. I'd like to think I'm just being honest here though, thinking out loud. We all judge people. I accept a lack of respect from me contributed to things turning out how they have with my W. I don't see that as a reoccurring trait of mine, more unique to that circumstance with that person.

I totally get your comments that a future relationship with someone else wouldn't work if I don't learn from my M and what went wrong there. Although I am maybe not fully expressing things in these posts as well as I could, I do feel I have done a lot of soul searching in recent times and I am aware of my flaws and what to do about them. This girl I've dated recently is far cleverer than me and so it's a complete turnaround from what I've been used to. I know there would be no chance of not respecting her.

Just to reiterate, I didn't seek out these dates to begin with, quite the opposite, and if it doesn't work out I don't think I would actively search for anyone else right now. If I was in any doubt over whether my M had a future or not I wouldn't proceed, but sitting here it is incredibly clear that it is dead in the water. I agree it's been a short amount of time to move on but it feels the healthiest option for me now.

In lots of ways I feel I'm becoming a better person, and that needs to continue. My W has become manipulative, greedy, selfish, and shows zero feeling for me. She can be cordial when she wants something but that's about it. I know I'm not perfect. I know that sounds like justifying dating or whatever, but since she really has become that kind of person I don't see how I could put up with her anyway, or even hang around hoping somehow she will change back again to who she was before.

[twinmom]

I'm glad you are not sliding backwards into sadness anymore.

[Starsky309]

Just to reiterate, I didn't seek out these dates to begin with, quite the opposite, and if it doesn't work out I don't think I would actively search for anyone else right now. If I was in any doubt over whether my M had a future or not I wouldn't proceed, but sitting here it is incredibly clear that it is dead in the water. I agree it's been a short amount of time to move on but it feels the healthiest option for me now.

Leading with your feelings is what waywards do.

Just saying; I am NOT necessarily in the "no dating" camp unequivocally (I think it's okay if both spouses agree the marriage is over, and they notify the other and the two agree on it). But it DOES clearly retard your own efforts to work on yourself, make no mistake.

I hear you saying "It feels good, therefore I'm going to do it," Alpha.


Starsky

[alpha99]

I can't argue with your analysis Starksy.

In ten plus years I never went near another woman. Now my W has had an A and our marriage is all but over - only the official process of ending it seems to remain, of course a new world has opened up. Again, I'm at pains to point out I didn't seek out these dates. I could have said no for sure. I haven't discussed this with my W because she very clearly wants little to do with me besides childcare arrangements.

I do believe I am working hard on myself. I'd say my major flaw has been an unending reservoir of sarcasm aimed at everyone I know. That has been toned right, right down. I've made new friends through being more confident and socialising, I've taken part in different activities I would never have been to only a short while ago, I am working on improving my career, and I've changed my dress sense and attitude. I make sure to put my children first (taking them on a great day out next weekend) and I feel quite content with myself. I'm not perfect, I never will be, and maybe technically I should wait before M is officially over before I attempt to move on with someone else - this is something only a short while ago I'd have never even contemplated whilst still in a M. I hope my principles are still in tact, and it's definitely not the case of W did this or that so it's fine for me, more that W ended our M and so life goes on regardless.

[alpha99]

I am sure given my recent messages that I may be called a hypocrite here, but it has come to my attention that W has been sending naked pictures of herself to both men and women and at the same time been receiving them in the last few days.

I am not pointing this out to criticse her - she can do what she wants as far as I'm concerned - and yes, I have been on a few dates, but it goes to show where her head is at. I have been putting zero effort in for a little while now in trying to save my M as I thought there was zero chance of doing so and my feelings have changed anyway, this would just seem to confirm that I had made the right choice. W seems to be slowly going around the twist (sending/receiving naked messages to women presumably she has met online???).

Funnily enough six months ago say this would have been devastating. These days it really hardly bothers me at all - there is such little feeling. It just bring into focus what needs to be done next; sell house, push on with D process, be a good dad, improve my career and finances, and move on and live my life.

[alpha99]

I dropped the kids back this morning with their mum and we had the first proper conversation we've had in quite a while now. I had taken the kids out on a nice day out yesterday, something a little more than usual, and W ended up trying to get some information out of me about the day out. This lead to a ten minute conversation on the door step. One thing I noticed is that she is very concerned with me not seeing what is going on in her house. She has a three foot square hall by her front door and another door leading to the living room. She made sure to shut this over tight so I couldn't see into the living room (why would I be bothered anyway?).

We talked about the kids, her work, my work, potential annual holidays for this year (separately, of course). On the one had it was nice to have a normal conversation with her that seemingly did not have some hidden agenda or ended up with her threats of wanting money etc. On the other hand I felt different to how I have done previously. There was no 'game plan' from myself in how to handle the conversation, no looking for signs of improvement etc, I was just myself, take it or leave it.

Although I've expressed here how my feelings have changed over the recent weeks, I think my W has been in the mindset still that I am moping over her day and night etc. Well, I cleared that up a week or so ago in a telephone call when she was being nasty to me, saying how I was trying to control her. I replied 'I'm not trying to control you. I'm quite happy at the moment and that's because I don't really want anything to do with you other than the kids'. At the time she said 'that's fine' but I think it may have slightly shocked her to really see the change in attitude.

Edit: Just thinking and rereading this back, another thing I've noticed since I made it clear I'm no longer interested in her is that her last few text messages have been a lot more cordial. For a while now she wouldn't use my name in a message, but in the last few she has started to say, yes, that's fine alpha, no alpha, at 3pm alpha. I may be reading more into that than there is but it is a recent trend I noticed.

Anyway, our conversation today stemmed from the fact that I just dropped the kids off, mentioned a few practical things about them, and was walking down the garden path to leave. She called me back to ask about the day out and the conversation went from there. I was weighing her up as we spoke and one thing I've noticed is that she's putting quite a bit of weight on. Her face is swelling. At home previously, although I had put weight on in recent years, this last year or more I've lost a lot and would try and instigate a lot of activities. I think on her own with the freedom to do/eat whatever she likes is definitely taking its toll on her.

So, I wonder whether this is a one off thing on her part in being nice or whether it is coinciding with her being alone, maybe reality setting in that it won't be so easy for her to find a long term partner when she has a limited income and two children hanging around, and the fact that she now clearly sees I'm not pursuing her in the slightest.

I don't see any dramatic turn around on the cards of her starting to pursue me or anything, but she did mention one or two small things from our past when talking about the future today, so again, as the dust settles for her it will be interesting to see if she changes her attitude once more.

For myself, I think my head has cleared from the initial shock of everything and I'm quite happy with my life right now. I am working full time, earning enough money to restore my depleted funds, making new friends, and enjoying a variety of different activities. Thinking long and hard to myself about the hypothetical situation where my W would potentially want to rekindle things (don't see it happening myself), I have wondered whether I'd want her back at all. The only reason I can come up with for a yes is to have a united family for our children. Whilst that would mean the world to me, to ensure my children grow up in a traditional family unit, I can't see myself being happy with her again. Maybe her A was a blessing. Yes, we'd spent a long time together, and yes people get bogged down by life, children, work etc, but I feel far happier now than I have done in a long time, despite the family holidays of yesteryear etc. Again, my only nagging thought is about my children. I love them with all the world. I just don't think that should the situation arise I could take my W back unless she somehow had a personality transplant and became a much more interesting person concerned with more things than just watching TV or playing on her phone.

That's not to be critical of her (I know it appears to be), it's just our separation and time to think has really highlighted the mismatch in our personalities, influences, opinions, mentalities. I feel like I dragged her along through our R, and now I'm not doing that, she appears to have settled back into the 'teenager hanging around on a street corner' mentality she pretty much had when I first met her. I thought she'd outgrown that over time through being with me and life's developments (children, marriage, house etc) but she seems to have fell straight back into old habits.

On reflection I think I'd struggle to ever forgive her for having an A. Yes, maybe it could be done over time. I do have 'images' in my head about what they might have done together and it turns my stomach - so I try not to think of that anymore.

Of course all of this forgets the fact that in the last week she has been sending and receiving naked pictures of herself to people I guess she's met on the internet. It's sad, really sad to see someone you used to love appear to be going off the rails in such a way.

As for myself, the dating with the girl I met recently seems to have come to an end. I will see her later this week through the quiz we both go to, but for whatever reason (I don't quite understand why after a few dates she has just gone cold) it appears to have fizzled out. I'd like to be proved wrong there as I thought we seemed suited to each other, we have gotten along great, similar interests and all that as I've written previously, much more suited to me than my W it would appear, but there you go. Oh well...

[Sotto]

Hi Alpha, I'm glad you're doing okay, and pleased to hear that you feel more detached from your W. That does make things easier I think. From what you say about the naked pics, sounds like she is still pretty wayward. But who knows it may help wake her up if she sees you positively moving forward without her.

I'm sorry things didn't work out with the dating. Well, I'm kinda sorry and kinda not - and I don't say that to be mean. But, I think most healthy young women wouldn't get involved with a guy at your stage in your sitch. And you certainly don't want to become involved with an unhealthy young woman and go round a wash, rinse, repeat cycle.

Best to put that one behind you. You don't need a woman to tell you how great you are. You can do this alone and do that for yourself.

Keep posting and moving forward!! ((Alpha))