Alpha Step At A Time #5

[Onguard]

Alpha, I have not kept up with your entire sitch but I have read the recent developments. I will just humbly offer some suggestions based on my own experience. First, allow your feelings to be just as they are. As much as I wish I could have turned off my feelings and detached from my ww emotionally I simply had to let it run its natural course. And it DID finally run its course. (My w and I had been together since we were 13, so it took a bit longer than I would have preferred). Don't fight them or beat yourself up for feeling a certain way. Allow the feeling to be there but trust that the feeling will change eventually.

Second, focus on you. Become the best man you can become. Challenge yourself in every way, in your career, physically, spiritually, intellectually, as a father. GAL! I see you are going on a date and I think that is awesome! Just being with a woman and proving to yourself that you can have a good time with someone else will be uplifting.

Third and lastly for now, BELIEVE that you will be ok no matter what, because you will. There were many, many days where I was convinced that the opposite was true. I felt like I would always be hurting without her. I was wrong. The hurt eventually stopped. Women are attracted to confidence. All women, they can't help it. Women are attracted to men who are successful, who are leaders. Men who can be strong but loving at the same time. Become that man! You have it in you. We all do. A man like that is going to be better than OK, he is going to be great!

I will keep following your situation and I will be pulling for you.

[alpha99]

In recent weeks I have been slowly seeing W in a different way. The icing on the cake has been female attention. Even if nothing comes from this it has shown that in no time at all I can make friends and female 'acquaintances' if I just get out there. A lifetime issue of confidence is fading and as a result I am realising what a good person I am, how I could be better, how much I have to offer, and how I deserve better than maybe what I've settled for previously.

As I walked away from W yesterday to my relatives, I did look across the street back at her. I felt nothing. I feel a general disappointment that my M is over, and as I've said I feel sorry for my children, but due to her change in attitude and behaviour I no longer feel much at all, if anything, for W.

[Sotto]

Hi Alpha, I'm pleased you're feeling better than previously. But I would urge some caution with some of your post above - and also your post on Onguard's thread. You are still pretty early on in your sitch - not yet three months - have two kids together - and are still (presumably?) hoping to move forward with your family all together if possible.

I think there are a couple of important differences between sitches like Onguard's and your own. One significant difference is time scale. And I truly do think it takes a fair amount of time to work through the utter devastation and find happiness again within yourself. The second difference is dating.

I'm not a fan of dating early on in sitches - but we all make different choices and that's fair enough. I think the important thing is not to feel you've truly detached, are ready to walk away and have 'come through it' - when what may have happened is some female interest has given you a boost. I always worry that early dating is a way of trying to circumvent the journey - take that little door from kitchens to kids rooms in Ikea - and miss out important stuff on the way - introspection and growth.

I don't want to be a party pooper - but that is what came to mind when I read your posts today. Hope the feedback is useful...

T :-)

[alpha99]

Hi toots,

Thank you for your comments, I really do appreciate your opinion and feedback.

Oh how I've wished I wasn't here, and I've cried, plead, had sleepness nights, said and done stupid things. You're right, three months isn't so long considering the rest of your life. I think I'm at the stage though where I like the idea of family as a means of stability for myself and the children. If none of this had happened We'd still be plodding on in our everyday lives. But it has happened, and I've been a mess, and I've missed her so much, spent the days wondering how to be when we next meet etc. Recently though my feelings have been changing, and no doubt this last week with the girl I'm seeing tonight has moved that on quicker, but I have seen a growth in myself that would never have otherwise happened. I'm doing things Ive never done before, my confidence is growing, and I feel like life is good. I spend time with my kids, I've bonded more closely with certain family members, I've become independent, and less and less I've missed my wife, thought about her etc.

I was going to say if she knocked on my door right now I wouldn't take her back so quickly, maybe not all. In fact though, she called as I started writing this post asking for a selfish favour. We are being cordial but she has hurt me so incredibly much. OK, I'm not saying the last few weeks has wiped away 10 years together but a lot if reflection is leading me in the direction of thinking I am outgrowing that old relationship. My W doesnt get jokes, isn't into discussing politics, doesn't share many interests.

Yes, I loved her despite all those things...but we did bicker and argue daily. My shock ably sudden life changes meant I did all the typical things, and W has even said she half thinks my reaction was partly just a fear of being alone. Maybe she was right, maybe she was talking cr@p, but I can truly say today I'm not scared of being alone. I know in time I could meet someone else. Maybe tonight is the start of that, maybe it will just be a one off. Either way I just don't think I can hang on any longer waiting for something I sense will never come. If it is going to come then it will have to come to me as my days of pursuing are over. Yeah, I've read miracle turnarounds from unlikely places but like I said, in each of those sitches from the start I've seen flickers of life, ve it a confused text, refusing to move out, being uncertain over feelings. Like I wrote before, W has shown zero of that.

I don't want to take any shortcuts in going through this process but I also don't want it to define my life. I have nothing but respect for you toots that you are ploughing on in your life whilst still standing for your marriage.

If in 6 months time or whenever things had somehow magically turned around I'd gladly quote these posts and eat my words. I am (A knowledge aside) usually a good judge of situations and of reading people. Of course I know my W intimately, and whilst she may not be the same person she was, I see a zeal in her to move forward in her life and no detection at all of wanting to work on marriage. Should I wait longer in case she does change? I guess I could. It's a personal choice though isn't it.

By going on a 'date' tonight, if that's what it is (still unsure) I am not saying never ever to R with W somewhere down the line. W has plastered pictures of herself on a dating site. She is being egged on to meet people. I am not doing this as a contest. I didn't plan on it. Amazingly it seems this girl has pursued me to some degree. I suppose I'm saying I am trying to move on, live my life, and not live it in a way where I'm worried what W might say it do.

The flip side of above is that I feel if things did go well tonight I am ready to see where they might lead...albeit slowly, but I'm ready. I'm not testing the waters, I'm ready. I would never hurt anyone intentionally, and so wouldnt progress with a new R unless I felt ready. I plan to only mention my sitch very briefly (gonna focus on having fun) but I will be honest in what I say

Sorry for the meandering post. Written from mobile. It's difficult, even with my long posts, to accurately convey all my thoughts and feelings here. I try my best. I feel in my heart that I am doing something positive for me now. I don't know where it will go, if anywhere, but I'm curious to live it and find out.

[Complex]

No judgement whatsoever Alpha, but I don't think you are ready. And you shouldn't be. Which doesn't necessarily mean you should go out on this date.
But don't go for the wrong reasons!

In general I'd also say that you are still thinking too much. Try to relax some more, enjoy your life and don't forget to keep working on yourself.

[twinmom]

I have kept up on reading but not much time lately to respond to you....

How is your attitude regarding your wife's parenting skills? Have you made progress with this? One thing I notice is that you post a lot about taking the kids for ice cream, McDonald's and the arcade..... (almost every time you post about having the kids you mention a treat) so please honestly evaluate how often YOU are giving treats.
When you interacted with your MIL about wife it wasn't positive and (to me) it seemed like your view of her hadn't changed.

As for dating, my opinion (if you want it, lol) is probably not a good idea. Has NOTHING to do with saving or not saving your marriage but with you having grown add a person and able to be alone and HAPPY to allow a partner to be the icing not the cake.
Don't use female attention as a crutch to get over your wife.

[alpha99]

Hi all,

I had a great time this evening. It was a date, it went really well (at least I thought so), and I'd like to do it again. I did briefly explain sitch. I could see a reaction on her face of course but she said anyone our age is going to have some sort of baggage. I don't know if it will go anywhere but I'd at least like to see her again.

Complex, maybe you're right. I think though sometimes a long post on here only comprises passing thoughts in my head. My M as it stands is over. Whilst it's not what I ever intended that's where I am. I feel ready to move on.

Twinmom, I understand what you're saying completely. I respect W for the job she is doing with the kids but I don't agree with elements of how she is doing it. I don't see it as being better so much, more simply as basic right and wrong. MIL in the case you mentioned was more dismissive in tone than I was. At this point my children's welfare is my main concern, just them being happy. I don't think I spoil the kids at all. Theyve been on a ton of holidays in recent years. The most recent one didn't happen because of sitch, and so an ice cream in the park isn't overdoing it in my eyes as a replacement. Now they're back at school again my time with them is again more functional than too much fun.

Logically dating is surely not conducive to sorting out M. If I thought there was a chance to sort things out then maybe I'd have stayed clear of dating. I don't think there is any chance anymore though. I hope I'm wise enough to see that my own growth shouldn't stop because of some attention. I will continue to be independent. I think of the WAW video that says your husband has being going to school on your marriage and will make someone else a great husband. I would never make the same R mistakes as I have previously. I wouldn't use somebody as a crutch. If anything happens with my date tonight, it will happen SLOWLY. There will be no headlong rush into replacing what I had previously.

I do have a good clear mind now on how I want to proceed.

[Luis P]

Hi Alpha,

It's good that you seem to feel you know where you stand and what you want.

It is good that you feel your in the process to detach, 3 months is very short time, however, try to sort by making sure you have more parenting with your children, work on yourself, take Onguard's advise and everyone's opinion and just as you said move slowly and there is no right or wrong, is about you building your low self esteem and being a parent for your children.

I think the overall experience is you are strong, experienced, and above all, you are wiser as you can now pay attention to women (your wife) how and when she communicates you listen and respect and reflect accordingly just as mentioned going to school to get educated in relationship.

Hope all gets better for you.

[Complex]

I agree it's a pretty short your sitch still. Especially considering we are talking about a life long commitment here. But if you decided for yourself that this is not going to work anymore I guess you have the right too. It wasn't your fault.
But keep in mind we are still young. Too young to believe we are making very wise decisions imI'd believe. So we gotta be careful with what we are wishing for.
Plus we truly have to learn our lessons and not make the same mistakes all over again, most likely your W will....

[alpha99]

Hi all,

I've not fallen off the face of the Earth, I've just been living life more than ever recently.

So here's an update:

Since my last post I have been on 2 more dates with the girl I met at the quiz. We get on like a house on fire and I like her a lot. I will be seeing her tomorrow and the last time we met she was trying to get me to help her out with some second job sideline she has going this Sunday. We haven't been intimate at all, just a peck on the cheek at the end of each date, but I would be willing to explore that further should the opportunity present itself.

From that you can probably gather that there's been no development with my W, and I don't see or even want any development to come along, regardless of what happens with the other women I've met. My W only calls to make arrangements for the kids or to make thinly veiled threats on how she might choose to extort money from me or this, that, and the other along those lines. She can be nice when she wants a favour, but I stick to my guns and don't help her out unless an emergency. The kids appear fine, although W is starting to use them as a weapon by stating they want to be see me on certain days that suit her so that she can go out etc. The kids are very happy and it's really sad to see her use them to try and manipulate me. We are moving along with the house sale. Well, in that it will be getting valued in the next few days and then going on the market soon after.

Since I'm not looking for reconciliation, and neither is W, then clearly it isn't on the cards. After my world falling apart when all of this started, if I was to receive D papers now I wouldn't mind one bit. Sure, there's a nostalgic side that would be sad to finalise things and that this M has ultimately been a failure, but I've learnt so much about myself recently, how I'm worth more than I give myself credit for, how I need to advance my career, how despite my previous or apparent lack of confidence I can have an very attractive lady ask me out, and be comfortable in that kind of situation. Life does not end when your M ends. I feel for my children but ultimately living a sham life for their happiness would not be the thing to do, even if it was an option. I can see a happy future for myself, one where I'm successful, one where I meet someone who I can engage with on the same level. Not to criticise my W overly, because we spent 10+ years together, but she left school with no qualifications and has little interest in most non shallow reality TV kind of things. I am university educated, and whilst my confidence has held me back in the past, I am now emerging more confidently and hopefully able to rectify my past reticence to get on with life to be able to move forward career wise and attract someone of a more similar ilk to myself. I'm not being nasty to my W at all, she is who she is, and yes people of all backgrounds and abilities can be together and be happy, but one thing that has nagged me throughout our M is the lack of stimulating conversation I could have with her.

I'm working regularly again now and earning some decent money. My main area of growth has been getting out more with friends and socialising. Along with three dates in just over a week I have also been out with an old friend and told him everything about my sitch, and also been out to more quizzes and will be out again tonight for another social meetup thing. My confidence is growing in that for the first time in my life I am getting up off my bum and going out and living, experiencing life in a new way. A lifetime of being reluctant to approach people and make friends is falling by the wayside as I get out more. Tonight there is a meetup thing nearby with 25 people going. I have seen maybe 5 of these people once or twice before, and my 'date' will be there too, but other than that I don't know anyone. Not so long ago I would never have dreamt of going, or if somehow forced to for some reason I would have spent the day dreading how to turn up, say hello, fit in etc, but now I look forward to these things.

When I told my old friend about my lack of confidence he was in disbelief. He always thought I was so confident. It seems I had managed to fool everyone in that regard, even my W over the years.

So as far as the future goes I can see our house being sold within a few months, somehow or other W and I working out how to divorce in the cheapest, easiest, and quickest way, maintaining the same sort of rota with the childminding, moving forward with my career (I've been looking into a few new avenues to explore), and hopefully either continuing on with this lady I've met (I would like this) and seeing what happens or somewhere down the line finding someone else to be happy with.