Alpha Step At A Time #5

[Ontheup]

Glad you had a great time with Kids. Ive had a fantastic weekend in the sun with d8.
Triggers get easier or they have for me anyway. I couldn't listen to nay music at first without (apart from my rave music ) it sending tears down my face. Couldn't watch certain TV programs, films or go to certain places. Over the last few months this has got easier. By no means gone but easier. Your initial strong emotions that make you do crazy things do die down and that is when you truly start detaching.

[alpha99]

Hi onetheup,

I'm glad you had a lovely weekend with your D. Time with your children is truly a precious thing isn't it, especially since they grow up so quickly.

I do feel I'm on the right path with regards to detachment. I haven't checked anything W related since I deleted/logged out of everything. Now, when I do think of W, which is less than it was even just 2 weeks ago, I no longer feel that aching longing for her. Truly starting to GAL has helped enormously for that. in fact I do have the worry that I become too detached, to the point where I become indifferent to the chance of R. There's no point denying that potential female attention has played a part in that. I don't want to date. I have thought of the John Lennon line 'life is what happens while you're busy making plans' though. I guess it's a personal decision but at what point do you say enough is enough and move on with your life. One thing that stops me in my tracks is the determental affects on my children caused by a D.

A month ago if W had wanted to reconcile I'd have bitten her hand off. Hypothetical I know but now I would have to consider whether it is really, really what I want. At what point do I put my own happiness in front of that of my children. Doing so would seem so incredibly selfish. I do love my W still, just I feel I've moved to the point where it's not an all conquering thing, it's something that can be held in check and I am in control over whether I open the door to those deep and intense feelings again or not.

[Ontheup]

Hey alpha

totally get what you mean.
I would have to seriously think long and hard if my wife wanted to R now. The mountain to climb for both of us looks impossible at the moment. Im under no illusions though as I don't believe my wife has any intent currently to want to R and to be honest the way I feel neither do I. that may change though who knows.
Good stuff on no checking up on wife. The feeling to do so will still be there but it helps you detach in not doing so.
D is definitely detrimental to your kids but this is not in your control. You didn't want to separate I presume? I certainly didn't but I was left with no choice. These are the cards we have been dealt and this is the hand we have to play. I think long and hard about wanting my wife back but it isn't my wife of the last few years I want back, its the memories of my wife from earlier happier times I want. For men a lot of it is getting over your ego and pride that another man has taken "your" woman.
Its up to you what point you think you need to just move on. Completely let go. Ive seen some stand for a very long time. To me it is a limbo existence. I have already lived like that for a very long time. Scared about losing my wife. Truth is that I had already lost her. I just didn't know it. When I stopped being afraid I started to move on and feel better. your life is not defined by your wife. She is just a part of it. How will she be part of it in the future you are not to know.

Just be the best dad you can be. Life carries on.

[alpha99]

The girl from the quiz and I have been texting. I am going to meet up with her sometime this week. I guess it's a date.

I know, I know...but I have given this serious thought.

Altho W is being nice for sake of kids, she does not want to R in any way. More recently I've been asking myself if I truly do too. Recent posts on others' threads have hit home: I can't put my life on hold for something that may never happen. I've been slowly coming to this conclusion over recent weeks. I see W from a distant perspective now. Less contact and time apart, her refusal to work on M, some female attention; they've all played a part in getting here. I am detached. If W said she wanted a D tomorrow that would be OK. I've wanted things to work out so badly for so long but now I am making the decision to move on with my life. I will always be there for my kids. I will always have a place in my heart for the time spent with my W. Maybe there will be a day sometime in the future where things change. I don't know. All I know is you can't love the ghost of what once was when things have changed. She doesn't love me, want me, had EA/PA, moved out and moved on. I've lost weight, been through shock, grieved, obsessed, and now I feel quite at peace. I am worth far more than this. I've been through the biggest hell of my life. I survived. Now I'm thriving.

I don't know what will happen with the women I've met. I will be honest and up front with her. She's very attractive and I am curious to see what happens. If that turns out to be nothing then so be it, but I don't intend of moping around and longing for a life that has already sailed away. I will do everything in my power to ensure my children are as happy as they can be but ultimately I have to live my life too, preferably a happy life, and I haven't been happy in a while now. It's time to change that.

[Complex]

Glad to see how your thinking has changed alpha.
Here's some tips because I'm 1-2 weeks ahead of you in my sitch lol:
1. Dating will change your perception. Don't forget we are victims of ups and downs, highs and lows. So your feelings towards W might even change again. It's part of the process of fading out our feelings for WAW. Plus you might get a decent confidence boost from meeting someone else. This might be noticed by W, increase her interest in you, etc; which might you look at her a little different again. Sounds complicated. It is! I'm not a fan of these kind of 'games', I hate it. But it's part of our sitch.
So just be aware of what the new situation might cause. Stay true to yourself and you can't mess it up.
2. Good you want to be honest with OW. Don't overdo it tho. Be a gentleman but also do not talk about your past. It's ok for OW to know the facts, that you are S for a long time and have children but reconciliation is not an option anymore. Keep it simple. If she asks for details tell her it's still too private for now bc you barely know her but you don't have any secrets.
Just blend your past out. Focus on the now on your date. Give your date attention, be yourself and make her laugh. Rather let her talk more and ask questions and listen. You'll notice you won't think of W..at least for the night
3. Reflect on your feelings afterwards, but don't take it too serious and give yourself some laughter. Give it a thought "am I truly ready to move on into another R"? Most likely you are not it's too early. But a simple date could at least be a step into to right direction.

[alpha99]

Written yesterday but somehow not posted:

I bumped into W by chance whilst out and about this morning. She was cordial enough but it was like meeting an acquaintance you haven't seen in a while more than anything else. I felt little for her. Cleary she felt just as little for me. After parting ways she ended up walking on the opposite pavement in an embarrassed fashion whilst I met approaching relatives on the other side of the road.

Later in the day she called, mainly to complain about money. I said I won't be her on call bank. She made vague threats over child maintenance payments but we agreed over moving forward with house sale and a few other things. It seems we'll be able to get along well enough for the kids but amazingly I have virtually zero desire to work things out right now. I feel for my children but I am seeing W in a different light. The kind, caring person has been replaced by a selfish, manipulative, greedy person. I find her less attractive now.

During our call D was briefly mentioned. I'm at the point where that word doesnt strike fear into my heart anymore. As our sitch stands now it is the logical outcome. It's not that I've given up, it's just I've completely detached. I can't spend life hanging on for the wind to change direction when it seemingly never will. If months or years down the line she came back to the person she was and wanted to R, that's something I'd have to deal with then. It's not a given I'd want her back then. I may have moved on completely. I'm not holding out for that day anymore anyway. I plan to live my life the best I can, do my children proud, do new things, meet new people, and experience life in a new way for me.

All of that leads me to tomorrow. I am going out in the evening with my new friend. I guess just the two of us for a meal and cinema means it's a date right? I will play it by ear and casually drop in 'separated/kids' where appropriate if it has the air of a date.

[DaddyLongShanks]

Written yesterday but somehow not posted:

I bumped into W by chance whilst out and about this morning. She was cordial enough but it was like meeting an acquaintance you haven't seen in a while more than anything else. I felt little for her. Cleary she felt just as little for me. After parting ways she ended up walking on the opposite pavement in an embarrassed fashion whilst I met approaching relatives on the other side of the road.

After someones disrespected you time and time again and smacked your head into a wall over and over again, you might start to feel this way.

Later in the day she called, mainly to complain about money. I said I won't be her on call bank. She made vague threats over child maintenance payments but we agreed over moving forward with house sale and a few other things. It seems we'll be able to get along well enough for the kids but amazingly I have virtually zero desire to work things out right now. I feel for my children but I am seeing W in a different light. The kind, caring person has been replaced by a selfish, manipulative, greedy person. I find her less attractive now.

Now you can SEE. Nope, it isn't attractive. I understand the lack of desire. You do not like the person that she is. And what she is shown you is what she is to you.

During our call D was briefly mentioned. I'm at the point where that word doesnt strike fear into my heart anymore. As our sitch stands now it is the logical outcome. It's not that I've given up, it's just I've completely detached. I can't spend life hanging on for the wind to change direction when it seemingly never will. If months or years down the line she came back to the person she was and wanted to R, that's something I'd have to deal with then. It's not a given I'd want her back then. I may have moved on completely. I'm not holding out for that day anymore anyway. I plan to live my life the best I can, do my children proud, do new things, meet new people, and experience life in a new way for me.

It is a logical and a desireable outcome. And nope they don't come back around except for many years. Even if the world lands her smack on her rear, she will keep running away from you.

Being with her is not desireable for you. I wouldn't worry about any future either, because it keeps you from being focused on what you need to be doing.

All of that leads me to tomorrow. I am going out in the evening with my new friend. I guess just the two of us for a meal and cinema means it's a date right? I will play it by ear and casually drop in 'separated/kids' where appropriate if it has the air of a date.

It's a date. But it is meeting with a friend. Never the less a date. Go by the single mans rules...

[Ontheup]

Hey alpha

Moving forward is the best thing you can do. Sitting in limbo hoping things will change never works. It just destroys your self esteem

As far as your "date" just be honest about your sitch, take it for what it is, a nice evening out with a woman.

If you read Onguards sitch you will see that WAW sometimes do a complete u-turn when all looks to be done and dusted. He is in control now as he had moved on believing his marriage was over. His wife has now turned around and basically said she wants to work it out. You see it so often. Grass is rarely greener but try telling WAW that when they're deep in the affair with schmoopie.

[zew]

schmoopie.

That made me laugh, Ontheup.

[alpha99]

In my time on this board I have searched high and low for a sitch just like mine - and I haven't found one. Sure, other people have had sithces that have seemed far worse than mine, but in every case I come across where things have worked out there always seems to be, for whatever reason, some indecision on the part of the WAS, either they won't move out, they're confused over their feelings, they're financially dependent, they leave with OP but miss their children and come back eventually.

In my case W earns enough to get by herself, has the kids probably 60/40 with me, has already moved out of course, and has shown zero signs of indecision/regret etc as far as trying to work things out goes. I guess sometimes when someone says it's over they really do mean it. Her calls now focus either on child arrangements or thinly veiled excuses to complain about money and how I should be giving her some/more. She seems happy in her life. Maybe it's all a big front, who knows? Anyway, I have reached a point where I have reflected on what went on between us, not her A per se, but our time together in recent years. Yes, I loved her but we were in a rut. With no help from relatives to mind our kids, we were stuck in all the time with very few social outlets, with contrasting upbringings that lead to constant bickering.

Now, since we'd spent so long together I firmly believe that all our differences could have been sorted out if we had both agreed to work on things. I could forgive her A and slowly move on if she had wanted to. I think the A is definitely over with OM now but I think the disconnect it caused between us is something she struggles to get a grip on how it might ever be resolved. In other words, I think she feels our R was broke, the A sealed its fate, and now there's no way back. After all my ups and downs over the last few months, finally I can live with that. I feel so sorry for my children that they may not grow up with lovely family memories like I did, but I can't live my life banging my head against a wall or hanging around waiting for a miracle to happen. W has made it clear time after time it is over. Sure, there has been a softening in her attitude but that has purely coincided with what would seem to be her realisation that she really wouldn't be able to handle the children 24/7 on her own and they do actually need their father, and not in any way a softening because of a change in feelings.

Ontheup, that's great advice regarding my 'date' this evening. Maybe it's because I've been 'out of the game' for so long but I am unsure of her intentions. I will just take it as a night out with an attractive women and see what happens, but it does read like a date with it being just the two of us, doesn't it? She seems to have pursued me (meetup's version of a 'poke', then private message with gig invite, then texting, chatting at gig, texting 'would be nice to get to know you', then her asking if I wanted to go for a meal and to the cinema). Since this all came about through a site where people randomly meet up for social events I'm wary of reading too much into it. I'll just enjoy the evening and see what happens, and like I said, should it clearly be taking the form of a date I of course would feel obliged to very briefly (taking complex's advice into account) mention my sitch. Let's see what happens.