Alpha Step At A Time #5

[alpha99]

I went to the local meetup pub quiz tonight. There were 10 people. They all seemed nice people, and a good mix of ages. They do a lot of things in the local area. I am definitely going to get into socialising in their group a lot more - quizzes, cinema trips, theatre trips, meals, walks, comedy night outs etc. The Italian meetup group is great but it's once a month. With the local social group I could be out every other night or so. There was an attractive girl there about my age. She chatted to me a bit. She has emailed since I've got home to say it was nice seeing you. That seems to be a common meetup thing so not reading much into it. It's better than a kick in the pants though. It just shows that there are plenty more fish in the sea should it one day come to that.
GAL certainly makes it easier to detach. Through circumstance I probably won't see W until a week on Saturday. In that time I plan to be out 2-3 more times making new friends. On reflection I do miss her but I plan to be so busy that I don't have time to dwell on that.

Tonight I did something I would never have dreamt of doing - turning up to an event alone and meeting new people. I feel proud of myself. Whatever happens sitch wise, this is how I want to live my life from now on...

[Starsky309]

I applaud your growth in this area, Alpha! Good job!!!


Starsky

[alpha99]

Thanks Starksy! I appreciate that this sort of thing gets noticed

Well, today is the best I've felt since BD. I had a great night out last night. As I wrote in my last post, I will definitely be doing more of that kind of thing. The people were nice, the quiz was fun, and I had a great evening. I get the feeling I could make some good, new friends by continuing this. As it seems is common, a few more people sent messages saying it was nice to see you there. Certainly my mood is the best it has been in the last few months. Recently I've been quiet with my family and they've been stuck on how to deal with that. They have largely left me alone to deal with things and I've felt quite alone and abandoned because of it. I have been talking a lot more with them today, just about general day to day stuff, almost back to my old self. For the first time in a while I've been able to be positive about the future and future plans without thoughts of my sitch overriding everything.

The girl I mentioned in the post above has messaged me to invite me out tomorrow evening for another kind of meetup thing - gig in another town. She sent the message privately via that site but says that it might become an official meetup group activity. It's not showing as one yet. I don't know what to make of it. It might be fun to go out, and it's highly likely that my tendency to overanalyse things means I'm reading more into it than there is; maybe it is just simply an invite to do something - I don't know the dynamics of the website well enough to know how common this sort of invite would be, but at the same time I don't want to be in a compromising situation. Plus I don't know if I'll go because it will be a struggle with having the kids until they go to bed - but it is nice to be asked.

I am working today (having a little break to type this). I dropped the kids back this morning. The kids brought new toys with them as I picked them up yesterday. Upon dropping them off today at MIL's she said 'oh, new toys, hmmm.' She obviously thought they had come from me and I could tell she was implying I was spoiling them. It's not really any of her business but I did politely say 'oh those, they're from W, not me.' That changed her tune. She said, 'oh right, well I'm saying nothing, just going to bite my tongue.' I said 'yeah, I know... me too.' Understandably because it's her daughter, but when W does something wrong it seems to get glossed over, but if it was me you can be sure that it gets mentioned - that's how it feels anyway. It doesn't really matter though because at this point I don't care what they think about me. I know I'm a good, decent person. I have my faults like everyone else but generally speaking in my whole life there has been no more than a handful of people who I've seen on a regular basis that I haven't gotten along with, so I guess I can't quite be the hideous mutant monster that my W has me pegged as right now.

[alpha99]

Couldn't edit the post above but here's the edit I wanted to make:

EDIT: Upon reading this back, maybe I overegged the last sentence. W and I are getting on better but clearly since we're not together she has issues with me like my attitude, past behaviour, unloving nature, or whatever feelings she has from the ball of confusion inside my head. The main thing is I'm learning not to spend any time worrying about it. I know who I am. I know what I want. I know I can't have it right now - or maybe ever! I can live with that as I am slowly moving forward with my life. The one thing I can never move on from is that I want my children to have the best chance in life possible. Yeah, I know, we all love our kids. I'm not saying they're great at X or better than Y's kids. I'm just saying I love them so incredibly that I can't help but feel some shame when I think of them potentially growing up outside of a traditional family set up. It's not what I want. Almost as much as myself maybe selfishly wanting a R with W is the feeling of wanting our children to have their mum and dad together being happy to set them a great example in life. W doesn't want that right now - and may never. Again, I know I have no say in that but I do feel shame that my past actions have of course somewhat contributed to things being the way they are now. I guess I just have to plough on with what I'm doing and let time take its course, in the hope that one day things do work out.

[Ontheup]

great stuff alpha

attention from other women does wonders for your self confidence.

Up to you whether you take her up on her invite.

[Complex]

Interesting how similar our sitch and development are alpha. Glad you did what you did and hope you'll keep up the good work!
Take chances, don't look back, no regrets!!!

[alpha99]

Hey Onetheup and Complex, thanks for the kind words of encouragement.

After taking the kids back this morning I've mainly worked all day. I went for a long walk around the local area this evening. Whilst out I got another message (via email) from the girl at the quiz last night. This lead to exchanging phone numbers. I'm writing this to be clear to myself: I DO NOT WANT TO DATE! I wouldn't be surprised if I had gotten it all wrong anyway and she was just being friendly - it's been so long I can't read the signs between friendly and something else - so who knows?

All I know is that making new friends and having some female company (as a friend) is surely a good thing. I'm pretty convinced that part of the problem between W and I is that neither of us had a regular social outlet with our own friends whilst together in recent years and so we spent too much time together/were dependent on each other to some degree. I am building a new life for myself now; it's at once both scary and exciting.

It does feel like a switch has been flicked from how I've felt up until now and despite a few false dawns and posts on here describing how well I felt I was doing (when in fact looking back, up until now good feelings have been rather momentary amid intense feelings of drowning in sorrow and self pity), now I am having some sustained period of time actually feeling HAPPY!

When I stop and think about things (which is an improvement over constantly thinking about things) I do of course feel loss (W) and shame (kids), whether that's rightly or wrongly to do so. If I had to I could live a life without W, co-parenting our kids and showing them nothing but love. I think I'm getting to grips also with the idea that if I had to I could eventually move on and be happy with someone else. Don't get me wrong, I want to save my marriage - that's why I'm here after all - but if according to the vets here the way to do that is by detaching, then I feel like I am making massive strides in that regard in a short space of time.

But...there's always a but...

I need to stay clear of sentimental music. I was listening to a new album by an artist I like, and this lead me inadvertently to listening to a few love songs that reminded me of W. I did cry for a moment, just a moment, and was tempted to send her a link to the song (but didn't)...and now I feel great again. I guess these waves will come and go but I do feel stronger than before, much more so, to the point where if things don't work out I don't think I'll lose my head as I did immediately post BD but instead find a way to roll with the punches and get on with life. Let's see what tomorrow holds eh!

[Sotto]

Alpha, good for you with extending yourself in the way you have been! Watch yourself with the friendly woman though - I don't think any woman extends those kind of invites unless she's attracted to you and interested in dating..and as you've said yourself - you don't want to date!!

Have a good weekend - going to be a sunny one I think

[Ontheup]

Hey alpha

You will get triggers for a long time. Things will always crop up that upset you, songs , tv, films, places, stuff yiur kids say. Time is the healer here. And no do not send any sad songs to your wife.

[alpha99]

Toots, thanks for your words of caution. I know this could be a minefield if done wrongly. My intent is to GAL and make new friends. I need to keep that closely in mind.

Ontheup, thanks for the pointers. The sad reality is that everywhere I turn there are memories of one sort or another. Detaching is helping to separate the memory from its associated emotion.

Another fun filled day with my kids. I took them to an old stately home with gardens now turned public park. We played football, walked around the gardens, had an ice cream, played in the play area, and went into the little petting zoo. They loved it. Back home for dinner then a long afternoon walk followed by football in the local park.

I did take up the offer of going out tonight. It wasn't an official meetup thing and it turned out there was only me there (besides a pub full of people). I felt a bit of a lemon. Girl who invited me turned out to be the singer of the band playing. Small pub venue. We chatted briefly before, quite a lot in the break, and briefly again afterwards. She was really friendly, seemed nice, and I would like to make friends with her. Ultimately I had a good night.

Edit: hmm after I texted a thanks for the invite, she replied saying it would be nice to get to know me.

This past week to ten days has really been a detachment 101 crash course. I've been for many walks, visited relatives without moping about, enjoyed time with my kids, and been out socially on three occasions, and hopefully made a/some new friend(s). The intense feelings for W have diminished. I can do things and think about her less and less. Change of plans this morning meant I saw her briefly as I picked kids up. Without being cold I was a bit more reserved. Maybe in the past I've mixed being upbeat with being overly enthusiastic. It's a fine balance gauging it right. I don't know, maybe. All I know is with this detached feeling it's a lot easier to be less emotionally attached and responsive to W. I still want things to work out because a) she's my wife, and b) my kids don't deserve any of this.

I am feeling happier in myself though with the knowledge that if they don't I'll be fine.