Alpha Step At A Time #5

[alpha99]

Right, thank you.

I posted here before doing something stupid like contacting her. Even just taking a pasting from you guys has made me feel better.

Starksy, I really, really appreciate your advice. I am finding this hard, that is clear to everyone. I know you offer tremendous advice and I'd be/have been stupid not to follow it as you clearly know what you're on about.

Thanks, Drew. I will shrug it off should it come up.

I read lots of other peoples' threads and I see the difference in how I zoom in on every little detail.

Starksy, as ever you're right. I've read detach, detach, detach...and I've not.

So, this is it! From now on I'm just simply going to give it everything in an attempt to detach. I have to interact with her on a semi regular basis over the kids but I am going to dive headlong into my life. No checking emails, IM, YouTube, whatever.

A consoling thought it the number of people here who have had their S move in with other people, date others etc etc and still things one day work out. I understand detaching is not giving up - and I'm clearly not doing that - just accepting what will be will be.

With potential house sale coming up that (detaching) is going to be difficult. As with my comments in Rysin's thread earlier, I'm just after advice on how to do this. I need all the help I can get. I appreciate all the help I am getting. Thank you all so much.

[Ontheup]

I can't edit the post above.

It's taking all I have to not reach out to her right now.

It would seem inevitable this will come up tomorrow morning. Should I clear the air by stating it was mere boredom for me? Should I ask her intentions? Should I act as if I'm not bothered? I just want to cry right now. I'm pretty close to it to be honest.

Alpha

Cmon! You have got to stop all this. You know the answer to all of the above. It's no no no.
Do not mention a thing to her about the site.
You are better and worth more than this. Your wife does not define who you are.

We all cry some times so don't beat yourself up about it but you have got to move on. I can tell you the only way I have started to feel better is by letting my wife go and moving on with my life. Do I still miss her? Of course I do but I'm not sitting here hoping or checking up on what's she doing because it holds you back. You are paralysed by fear at the moment. What are you afraid of? She has left and as it stands she isn't coming back. You will carry on with or without her for you, for your kids, for someone else you will meet one day.
It's just life my friend and it carries on regardless.

[alpha99]

Right...

I'm putting my money where my mouth is...figuratively speaking.

IM, YouTube, emails, dating app...ALL GONE.

There's nothing to check anymore.

Time to live MY life.

I'm going to bed now. I'll be dreaming of playing with my beautiful children.

[alpha99]

I woke up feeling generally a lot better this morning. With all the apps and things to check gone, I feel like I finally have a clear head.

I took the kids back to W. The dating site issue did come up. A funny thing happened - we both laughed quite a bit. We agreed it seemed a strange thing to see each other on there. I did shrug it off and say that I was just doing it out of boredom.

W insists her cousin created the account for her. She says she is not interested in meeting anyone. I said that's up to her and none of my business. She said it is full of desperados. I agreed.

The kids went and played elsewhere and we spoke for a few minutes. A few things came out of this conversation.

* One stumbling block to R is that W thinks my family have turned against her (not so) due to knowing about her A. She says no one has visited/contacted her/her with kids since we split up(she asked them not to). I told her this was not the case.

* She's in no rush to divorce. At this point says she doesn't want to meet anyone else. Would only divorce at some point way off in future if she met someone else. She just said we are separated...but the next step would be divorce. I acknowledged this and said it can either go one of two ways; yes we divorce, or we one day work things out.

* OM has left for a new job and she insisted that it is well over with him now.

* Doesn't want to give me false hope as she feels R is unlikely.

* She is struggling financially and doesn't have a lot of money and can't really go out much.

* She apologised for the affair. She said her mum was aware of the flirting and warned her not to proceed. She said at the time of engaging in the affair she hated me and although initially felt guilt, after a few liaisons no longer felt any. She says she knows she should have ended our R first now.

* She says I was controlling and I drained the love from her. She says she doesn't love me now.

* She says we weren't compatible together but acknowledges we are getting along very well now we are apart.

* She acknowledged the sitch is very hard and she is not happy that we are in it...followed by 'but there's nothing we can do.'

------------------------------------------------------------

I did not plan on having this R talk, it just sorta happened. The good news is that there was no emotion involved. We just talked and what she said did seem to be a (mainly) honest account of how she feels and where things stand.

I largely just listened to her and validated her feelings. I did chip in with with a few comments along the way but no outpouring of emotion or anything, just acknowledging what she'd said and extended the point on occasion. Although things were said that on the face of it should leave me feeling hurt, I don't feel so at all.

I'm back at home now working (having a little break to write this out) and just getting on with things. Last night I realised that if I hang on every word, action, email, app etc then I will be forever strapped to the rollercoaster of emotions and never be able to move forward in my life. Despite everything said by W today I do feel optimism, not just for any potential R, but also for my own life. I hope we work things out of course but I am going to largely let time and my actions independent of my W be the determining factors here from now on.

[Drew]

So, you have been given a gift. The gift of time.

Use it wisely.

Detach.

[alpha99]

Thanks Drew.

On a different note...

Had a missed call from W, so called her back a short while ago.

Expecting the usual child related call, in fact she wanted to know what I was doing with the concert tickets I mentioned the other day. I said I didn't know, hadn't thought about it. She offered to buy them from me. Not wanting to make a spur of the moment decision I said let me think about it. She got a little stroppy and said 'forget about it, it doesn't matter' and couldn't really get off the phone quick enough.

I will have a think about it. Being honest, first thoughts were I'd like to go with her and who she may want to go with etc. None of that mentioned in call. Reflecting a few minutes later, if she wants the tickets I will sell them to her. I need the money. She wants the tickets. I remembered I have no control over the who/what/where/why in her life. I'm trying to detach.

It just shows though that little things that you think get lost in the 'noise' are being thought about. It's the first time the tickets have been mentioned by her in about 9 weeks. That's something to think about regarding 180s, behavioural changes, GAL activities etc.

[Ontheup]

Hey alpha

If she wants the tickets let her buy them from you but don't make a big deal about them. She either wants them or she doesn't. end of. Oh and definitely no asking anything if she does buy the tickets. Same as you wouldn't ask a stranger. Show no interest.

As far as the rest of her conv all looks pretty standard WAW script. Don't read anything into it.

OM has left.- So what, why does that effect you and your way forward. They could quite easily still be in contact.

Recon and false hope UNLIKELY - It shouldn't effect you. Keep moving forward. do not pin anything onto her saying UNLIKELY (e.g. not definitely).

Struggling financially - tough sh!t. not your problem

Apologised for the affair - lol, sorry just doesn't cut it. They have no idea the devastation they leave behind. She is absolving herself of guilt. no true remorse shown here.

You were controlling - so then why did she stay with you for 10+years and have 2 kids with you? More Bullsh!t to push the blame onto you. I doubt very much you have had a complete personality transplant in those 10 years. Yes you're to blame for your share in the marriage failings. does that give her the right to start sleeping with someone else? no way! she should have come to you and said "things between are this bad, if we don't sort them out I want out of the marriage" she didn't, She acted like a coward.

Weren't compatible - lol again standard script see above. she stayed for 10 years. it just doesn't wash

Doesn't love you - This is what most fail to realise. Love is an action, not the feelings of infatuation that wear off after first couple of years. Again standard stuff from a WAW. Very immature in her thinking.

Sounds like you did well not getting drawn in. This usually annoys the WAW even more when they see you aren't dancing to their tune any more.
Keep detaching, keep moving forward.
If your wife wants you back you will know about it and it will take more than a "sorry can we forget about it now" conversation. They would all love just to forget about it and be friends. No way. If she wants you back she should be moving heaven and earth to make that happen.
Like I said last night you are a young man with a lot to offer. Your wife is not the only women in the world.


Well done on getting rid of all the snooping stuff. I know its tempting but just don't do it. You'll feel better for it

[Starsky309]

Thanks Drew.

On a different note...

Had a missed call from W, so called her back a short while ago.

Expecting the usual child related call, in fact she wanted to know what I was doing with the concert tickets I mentioned the other day. I said I didn't know, hadn't thought about it. She offered to buy them from me. Not wanting to make a spur of the moment decision I said let me think about it. She got a little stroppy and said 'forget about it, it doesn't matter' and couldn't really get off the phone quick enough.

Then no need to call or text her back at all. If you need the money, then put up an ad on CraigsList (or the UK equiv) and sell them, and if she asks you about it, say "Well you said 'forget it,' so I sold them to someone else."


Starsky

[alpha99]

This website is a lifeline. I am lucky to get such great support and advice from people here. Thank you.

Starksy, I thought momentarily about calling her back earlier after making a decision - but I haven't - and I won't. I'll see her tomorrow when getting the kids but not mention anything about tickets. I will try to sell them elsewhere. I'm beginning to see now it's about making choices, real choices and decisions, solely for me (and my children) at this point.

Ontheup, thanks for dissecting that conversation post. You are spot on. I did validate her. For example, about finances I said 'yeah, it must be tough. I know that's difficult for you right now'. I did not accept blame for the affair. She did in fact accept that she was wrong there and it was her choice. As you say, a simple apology doesn't begin to cover the pain I've felt by her betrayal.

I felt a sense of her searching around her thoughts, partly signaling things were settling, partly signaling too much had happened for it to be redeemable. I'm learning not to worry about it anyway.

The conversation ended by me saying I don't want to pressure you at all about anything and just leaving with a 'see ya.'

I know I am responsible for my failings in the relationship. For that I take my share of the blame. Having an affair was her choice. I have previously said to her she could have come, sat me down and spoken to me about her specific problems in the R and I would have listened, or she could have just ended our R.

Regarding control, she has a point. I had a tight grip on our finances. Without going over it all again ad nauseum, it is simply a candidate for a 180 in the future. I don't feel I've changed dramatically over our time together, just settled down as people do. Her epilepsy (causing blanks, doseyness as side effects of her meds) meant over time I grew to have little patience with her due to some of her negative traits. This led to disputes and I would shout at her, call her stupid, nasty names. I have been taking a long look in the mirror over that. With W or not, this is something I would never engage in again. My financial management did ensure regular holidays (11 on our last 2 years together), overpayment of our mortgage (would have finished it over 10 years early), and enough money left to have meals out, socialise etc etc
...

W told me today she can't afford a foreign holiday this year, no money to go out with her friends, finding it difficult with bills to pay. I couldn't help but think 'maybe one day you'll see that things weren't so bad after all.'

[alpha99]

I'd arranged to meet W in town today to exchange kids. She didn't turn up, didn't answer her phone, didn't reply to text. I was on the verge of going back home when she finally called. Apparently she'd forgotten the arrangements and I need to remind her because she has a lot on her mind, 'bills to think about, and worrying about other things as well.' I did bring up that I wasn't happy but I didn't make a big deal out of it. She begrudgingly said sorry and that she didn't want to argue...amongst complaints of paying for the children on the bus (not my problem) etc.

I went to get the kids. On the way I thought of the act as if example in MWD's book. I imagined W would be expecting me to nag her still over her not turning up. Instead I gave a big smile and a bright hello. She reciprocated. I waited inside whilst W got kids ready. We chatted pleasantly, with no.mention of tickets or not turning up. She looked lovely. We chatted about mundane things, how she has spots on her back, the weather, the kids' morning out. She seemed in no rush for me to leave as on other occasions. We left with pleasant goodbyes and she was outlining when she'd see me next, along with her plans for this afternoon.

I've had the Kidd this afternoon. We've been to the park, played games, had tea, and bow they're going to bed.

Time to GAL. I'm going to my first pub quiz via meetup soon. I'm a bit nervous as I don't know anyone but also looking forward to it. GAL is.something else to focus on.and I feel good.

Edit: sorry for typos - typed via mobile