Alpha Step At A Time #5

[alpha99]

EDIT: Thanks for the praise twinmom - thanks for your help too. I am prone to mind reading aren't I? That is something to step back from as of course at the same time we're all listening intently to what S is saying etc.

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Now, this may complicate things...

Remember me saying W had signed up to dating site a short while back, and how I had signed up to just have a browse around? Well, yesterday I added a picture just for a laugh. One feature of the site is being able to see who has viewed your profile.

Can you guess what's coming next?

W has viewed my profile on the site...and must know that I have seen hers via the same feature. As I wrote previously, I have no intention of dating now. I only added the pic to see if anyone got in touch - more out of idle curiosity and a bit of a laugh than anything else.

I wonder what W is going to make of this. I will see her next when returning the kids on Wednesday. She has already been clearly wondering what I've been up to. I plan on making the most of a slightly bad situation. I won't bring it up. I feel each time I casually mention I'm doing something of an evening time she will assume it's a date.

Any suggestions on what my response should be should she bring it up?

MIND READING: It could be seen by her as a way that I'm moving on. I don't think she would simply accept I was just browsing and it was a bit of a laugh. My instinct is to not even tell her that was the case. Would that be the right thing to do? This might provoke anger from her. It might also be the first concrete sign for her that SHE is actually losing ME! A million other possibilities exist.

EDIT2: I have just deleted the dating account.

[Complex]

Alpha. I've done the same thing a while ago.
I don't see a reason why you would delete it again. Do what YOU feel like. Dont just REACT to W. It helps me to look around. Talk to some people. It does NOT mean you have to date or do anything like that.
If W asks, tell her you are not going to date or sleep with anyone. If she believes you it not your concern.
Yes it can go both ways, make her mad or realize you are trying to move on. As far as I know your sitch I don't think there's anythinv you have to fear from her at this point. Just still be the best alpha you can.
Only thing is that it might look a bit hypocritical compared to your values an moral. But you're not doing anything wrong, you're not planning on doing something actively. So there's absolutely NOTHING for your W to complain about, because THAT would be hypocritical!!

[alpha99]

I realised that although it was nice to look, if I am going to stand for my M, which I am, then I should focus my efforts towards that - GAL, 180s, reconnecting with W etc.

One thing I said a few weeks ago was as I feel right now I will still stand for my M until the day arrives that W does something that I feel there is no coming back from - buying a house with someone else, getting married to someone else, becoming pregnant with someone else, in a long term committed relationship with someone else. Until then I will try to live my life and move forward but at the same time remain open to the idea of R with her one day in the future.

[Complex]

Did the exact same thing. Until I realized it's eventually going to hold me back living my life the way and want to and being happy. Doesn't mean I'm not willing to recommit to my marriage. But how can th fully commit to something that doesn't exist anymore?
If God decides to lead you two together at a point in your life so be it. In the meantime you have to move on and take care of your own happiness. That's all that's left.
You are like me still young tho and you have a full life ahead of you regarding family and partner. Of course this is not as easy for you bc of the children that are involved.
Which in my opinion makes me think you are doing the right thing.

What I wanted to say is: you feel that way now, which is ok. But don't be surprised if your opinion changes and your focus truly switches to yourself. In the end this will be the only way for a completely new R with your W anyway. And if it doesn't happen you didn't waste years of your life being stuck.

[alpha99]

Had a great day today with the kids. We visited relatives, went to the park, they played with their cousins etc. In the afternoon we went out with my parents and had ice cream, a nice walk through the shops, and a little go on the funfair.

Throughout the day I've thought of W and our sitch.

Now I feel sick to the pit of my stomach. The reason? Well, it seems my dating website shenanigans have backfired spectacularly...

My W has added pictures to her profile on the website...taken I guess from before her night out last weekend.

She looks stunning.

I guess this was done as a riposte to seeing my profile on there - a profile only set up through boredom really. How stupid I feel now.

How do I deal with this? I am taking the kids to her in the morning. Should I mention it at all or not? Should I explain my (lack of) intentions about the website? I was thinking of sending her a joke message via that website asking if I could get a date. My gut tells me that would be a bad idea.

I feel what she may have signed up to on a whim (like me) might now become something she pursues with a great zeal as a means to show me how she's moving on. She has certainly only added the profile pic after seeing my profile on there yesterday. Does this mean her and OM are over? Does that even matter at this point?

I just feel sick right now. Bad enough an affair with someone she bonds with over time, but now advertising herself on the internet...whoa. Yeah, I know, I've done the same (since deleted the account).

She could have a date in about 5 seconds if she wanted one.

What have I done?

[alpha99]

I can't edit the post above.

It's taking all I have to not reach out to her right now.

It would seem inevitable this will come up tomorrow morning. Should I clear the air by stating it was mere boredom for me? Should I ask her intentions? Should I act as if I'm not bothered? I just want to cry right now. I'm pretty close to it to be honest.

[Drew]

A wise man once told me, "If you're explaining, you're losing."

Lots of mindreading here.

You can't change what you did. What's done is done. Bringing it up only adds to its perceived significance.

Let it lie. If it comes up, and ONLY if it comes up, shrug it off.

"Oh that? I was just messing around."

She knows it's not on there anymore.

[Drew]

It would seem inevitable this will come up tomorrow morning.

You really need to stop with the assumptions.

They're driving you crazy.

And making you appear weak and wimpy.

VERY unattractive.

[Starsky309]

DE-FRIGGING-TACH!!!


Dude, you are OBSESSING over her. HOW long have you been here? HOW many people have posted to you, HOW many total posts of advice?

Alpha, I'll be honest, I find myself posting to you less because 99% of your posts are just obsessing over how to act around your wife. You're . . . stuck. You're never going to make progress until you detach, it's pretty much Step #1 and you haven't even accomplished it yet.

Yes, you've gotten better -- even MUCH better -- at your interactions with her, but that's a minor, "tactical" thing compared to the big, over-arching mindset and goal of DETACHMENT.

I honestly don't know what to even tell you anymore.


Starsky

[Starsky309]

You can't change what you did. What's done is done. Bringing it up only adds to its perceived significance.

Let it lie. If it comes up, and ONLY if it comes up, shrug it off.

"Oh that? I was just messing around."

Perfect.


Starsky