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#2556056 04/10/15 04:58 PM
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alpha99 Offline OP
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Previous thread

New thread time. A good time to recap:

* Around two weeks ago W and I agreed upon a parenting plan for the kids. We are sticking to it very well. Her apparent lack of trust in me seems to have been resolved.

* Over the same time period W is being a lot nicer and somewhat more considerate towards me.

* W definitely in contact with OM still but A status unknown.

* I have had a dramatic upturn in managing emotions and dealing with situation. I am improving in my GAL activities.

* W making more noises about selling the house.

* No R talk/D talk mentioned in a few weeks. This seems to have helped things settle down. It appears D at a point she can afford it is still her (unspoken) intent.

Generally, things seemed to have improved quite a bit in terms of our interactions. See my last few posts on previous thread for that. Such a turnaround lends itself to being skeptical of W's actions. Is it to ensure I co-operate on house sale? Is it a genuine turnaround now her anger has subsided? Something else?

The next big thing I see on the horizon is the handling of our house sale. I see it as inevitable as this point. It will surely take months to go through the whole process of actually selling it. I am not looking to our house being sold. It's not the house itself - that's just a building - it's what it represents - a family together.

At this point I am following the Last Resort Technique. I haven't initiated contact with W in over two weeks. I only respond when she initiates. I don't pursue in any form. I validate wherever possible. My 180s are my change of clothing, glasses, new aftershave/deodorant, as well as having a tight grip on my previous tendencies to argue/shout/name call/be a jerk. I am more easy going over the parenting of our children. I'm GAL-ing pretty well. I need to expand on that.

Two things I would like to throw out there for anyone reading to chew on:

1) A day or so post BD I bought concert tickets for W. They are for her current favourite singer and not my cup of tea at all. She didn't want them initially. I moved them from the fireplace somewhere out of sight. Upon leaving for MIL's W noticed they'd gone and reminded me I had said she could have them regardless (I did say that at the time I presented them to her). I said she had told me she didn't want them and so I would do something with them. All of this is now about six weeks ago.

After the rollercoaster of events during that time we are getting on better these last two weeks or so. The concert is still about a month away. I'm not going to mention anything about it until nearer the time (if I mention it at all). I don't want to just give them to her and have her go with someone else (mainly because I paid for them and they were quite expensive). I would go with her to the concert but I don't want to appear to be trying to schedule a date or anything. I could give them to relatives but the money issue still applies. I can't get a refund on the tickets. Another option is to try and sell them to any interested third party. I was wondering on what your thoughts are over this?

2) It is my birthday in a couple of weeks. How should I handle this? It falls on a day when W has kids. W mentioned today that S6 has been invited to a party the day after my birthday (one of my days with kids). Now, we could swap days that week. I could request we do a family event (pursuing issue here?). I could drop off/pick up S6 at the party and go out from there. S6 could skip the party (I would feel bad here). Any other suggestions?


BD - 30TH JAN 2015
S - 30TH JAN 2015
PA CONFIRMED - 16TH FEB 2015 (SINCE AT LEAST OCT 2014)
CONTINUAL TALK OF D
ME: 31
W: 28
T: 10yrs
M: 4.5yrs
D:5, S:6
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alpha99 Offline OP
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I thought I'd summarise more concisely:

We're physically separated, W possibly (maybe longing to be) in on going physical affair, doesn't want to work on marriage/wants divorce.


BD - 30TH JAN 2015
S - 30TH JAN 2015
PA CONFIRMED - 16TH FEB 2015 (SINCE AT LEAST OCT 2014)
CONTINUAL TALK OF D
ME: 31
W: 28
T: 10yrs
M: 4.5yrs
D:5, S:6
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 628
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zew Offline
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Alpha,

Until your W comes back to you and says in no uncertain terms "what will it take to fix our M?", all your time snooping is pretty much time wasted.

You will drown yourself in a sea of speculation, and whether you are guessing correctly or not will make absolutely no difference to the outcome.

Use your time more wisely. Use your time to figure out what you want to be and where you want to be. Figure out the steps to get there and start on your journey. Don't wait until tomorrow, start now.

If you follow that journey with conviction, you may find people joining you, maybe even your W. Perhaps not. And if she doesn't, it won't really matter since you know you are on the right path, with conviction, right?

Realize that your value is not in chasing your W (or anyone else) in circles. Pick a point, draw a straight line, and go.

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Originally Posted By: zew
Alpha,

Until your W comes back to you and says in no uncertain terms "what will it take to fix our M?", all your time snooping is pretty much time wasted.

You will drown yourself in a sea of speculation, and whether you are guessing correctly or not will make absolutely no difference to the outcome.

Use your time more wisely. Use your time to figure out what you want to be and where you want to be. Figure out the steps to get there and start on your journey. Don't wait until tomorrow, start now.

If you follow that journey with conviction, you may find people joining you, maybe even your W. Perhaps not. And if she doesn't, it won't really matter since you know you are on the right path, with conviction, right?

Realize that your value is not in chasing your W (or anyone else) in circles. Pick a point, draw a straight line, and go.



whistle whistle whistle whistle


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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I'm not sure about the tickets Alpha. But I don't think suggesting a family B'day is a good idea. Make your own lovely B'day plans which don't include W. She has checked out of that role remember? Ask her for a swap for the kids on that day if you want though...


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Originally Posted By: Toots
I'm not sure about the tickets Alpha. But I don't think suggesting a family B'day is a good idea. Make your own lovely B'day plans which don't include W. She has checked out of that role remember? Ask her for a swap for the kids on that day if you want though...



x 2.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Originally Posted By: zew
Alpha,

Until your W comes back to you and says in no uncertain terms "what will it take to fix our M?", all your time snooping is pretty much time wasted.


They won't usually come back and say this. Usually someone out in the game will sit them on their ass and all of a sudden hubby or wifey looks like a hero.

Originally Posted By: zew


You will drown yourself in a sea of speculation, and whether you are guessing correctly or not will make absolutely no difference to the outcome.


With good intel it might not be speculation at all. You might have a gold mind of facts, of situations on text, voice and video. You might have her actually conjugating with people you know who got it on tape. So no do not discount intel and call it guessing.

Originally Posted By: zew



Use your time more wisely. Use your time to figure out what you want to be and where you want to be. Figure out the steps to get there and start on your journey. Don't wai
t until tomorrow, start now.


Does the answer have to always be that you need to end up with who was the current spouse. What if the current spouse had ALWAYS cheated on you. You where used for support and convenience. Would you want to keep that role?


Originally Posted By: zew

If you follow that journey with conviction, you may find people joining you, maybe even your W. Perhaps not. And if she doesn't, it won't really matter since you know you are on the right path, with conviction, right?


Screw what she thinks, it's about you. And I don't think most betrayed spouses had to be "better" to keep their spouse from cheating. I think they just found a greedy spouse who would cheat. But the fallout from being cheated on does provide great impetus and drive if you allow it, to achieve and make yourself better.

Should you make yourself better for someone who never deserved you in the first place? No... Do it for you.

Originally Posted By: zew


Realize that your value is not in chasing your W (or anyone else) in circles. Pick a point, draw a straight line, and go.


If your game is right they will come to you. Men or women. So focus on you.

I wish you the best.

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Sell the tickets and don't mention anything about them I had the same issue. I just sold them and more than recouped my money. Ebay
As for your bday do something you want to do be that with or without your kids. Again don't mention it to your wife. If she brings it up then so be it. Don't expect anything from her either. My wife is so nuts she actually bought me chocolates on Valentine's when she had been out all day screwing OM. Laughable. And no I didn't eat them smile

You need to let go. Your wife did a long time ago. Sorry bud but it's the truth. its what we all struggle to deal with.

She's gone at the very least for the foreseeable future so get on living your own life. Just concentrate on you and your kids. Forget what w is doing because there is nothing you can do about that.


Me:40 W:35
D:8
T:13 M:10
WAW: 7/14
PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months
Moved out and moved on

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Yes alpha. I mean I do the same mistakes than you..or did. Just read your own poss here again and count the words W, she, her.
She's just still too much of a focus. You need to change that. It might take you some more time, just try to work on it.
You need to reach the point where this is only about you (and your children).


Me 32 (German) Wife 28
T 3yrs M 2yrs
Moved to US for W
No kids
BD 6/2014
In house separation
Confirmed EA 1/2015
(ongoing since BD)
OM not ready
Real D talk started 1/27/15


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alpha99 Offline OP
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You know what, I've thought long and hard about these comments above. I think I'm generally on the right path but everything you've all written above is true:

I need to stop checking on W.
I need to switch my focus over to myself and kids...completely
I won't include/invite W for birthday celebration.
I will try and sell the tickets to recoup my money.

I will continue in the same vein I have as I have these last two weeks as it seems to be working.

Now to today:

W called. I ignored it. I went for a walk around the block and called back. I asked did she want anything. She joked back 'yeah, of course, or I wouldnt have rang you'. She also asked why my number comes up as private. Didn't tell her I changed my phone settings. I was upbeat, acted as if. Reason for her call: I'm picking the kids up from hers instead of MIL apparently due to them ot having coats at MIL (I have coats for them). Hmmm.

Weather has cooled off a lot today. Gonna have to find something to do with the kids.


BD - 30TH JAN 2015
S - 30TH JAN 2015
PA CONFIRMED - 16TH FEB 2015 (SINCE AT LEAST OCT 2014)
CONTINUAL TALK OF D
ME: 31
W: 28
T: 10yrs
M: 4.5yrs
D:5, S:6
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