Winhamn intro - D in process, WAW

[Winhamn]

Can you describe your M history? You never really explained what your M was like before. What were the causes that made you withdraw? How did you treat her? The more detailed you are the better.

During our happiest times, I would spend time talking with her, try to make dates, ask her about her day, etc.

More recently, I was very withdrawn. I distanced myself from her. Our interactions gradually dropped off. She turned to her phone and her friends to fill that void, to look to people who would show interest and care in her that I would not. She recently spent a lot of time telling me I never tell her she is pretty, that I only tell her I find her physically attractive.

She is estranged from her mom, from an early age. I think she needs to know someone cares about her, thinks she's worthwhile, and can show her acceptance and love.

I have a lot of emotional problems, and they've steadily gotten worse over the last six months, as I've been depressed and really stressed out. The result is that I've withdrawn, put up a wall between her and I. I read the DR part about "Act as if" yesterday. It really struck me.

I've been behaving "as if" she doesn't care about me, "as if" she's been unsupportive, "as if" she would choose anything else over me. My behavior and attitude were adjusted accordingly. And now, I've sealed that fate.

[Winhamn]

So now I'm consciously trying to act "as if" in my life.

I struggle a little bit with my wife...exactly what "as if" I should be thinking of.

I've basically come up with that I will try to act "as if" she wanted to stay married to me.

Maybe I should adjust that. I don't know. It might be too "her" centric.

[Winhamn]

I'm really struggling with how to respond to her request to have me watch the kids for the first half of Saturday then to be out of the house overnight.

My initial reaction is to say "I feel like you are taking advantage of me by doing this".

However, what's the right response to this from a DR point of view? Happily oblige and have a good time somewhere else, right??

[MrBond]

"More recently, I was very withdrawn. I distanced myself from her."

Why?

"Our interactions gradually dropped off. She turned to her phone and her friends to fill that void, to look to people who would show interest and care in her that I would not. She recently spent a lot of time telling me I never tell her she is pretty, that I only tell her I find her physically attractive."

Is she right? How did you treat her if you distanced yourself from her? Were you grouchy? Angry? etc.

"She is estranged from her mom, from an early age. I think she needs to know someone cares about her, thinks she's worthwhile, and can show her acceptance and love."

Possibly. But you're not her psychologist. Stick to what YOU can do for her.

"I have a lot of emotional problems, and they've steadily gotten worse over the last six months, as I've been depressed and really stressed out."

From what? Have you done anything to correct this?

"I've been behaving "as if" she doesn't care about me, "as if" she's been unsupportive, "as if" she would choose anything else over me. My behavior and attitude were adjusted accordingly. And now, I've sealed that fate."

I think you misunderstand the concept of "as if". You're supposed to act "as if" you're fine and build up your strength physically, mentally, spiritually AND emotionally.

"I'm really struggling with how to respond to her request to have me watch the kids for the first half of Saturday then to be out of the house overnight."

If you don't want to do it, then say 'NO'. If you want to watch your kids, take them out on an overnight somewhere. Do something that your W would never have wanted to go do. Give them an EXPERIENCE with you that they won't forget.

[Wonka]

Winhamn,

Bond has given you some good guidance and asking you really good questions to get you to look into your issues & patterns.

I do want to respond to these comments:

Then I got into work to find an email from my wife trying to gentle put in place a custodial arrangement while we live together but are separated. She even was asking me to leave the house for periods of time when she "has the kids". She wants to start "getting a feel for when we don't live together". It's got me feeling panic, the tightness in my chest, and anxiety.

My feeling is that she needs to learn how to deal with her own discomfort that is a result of her own choices. Forcing you out of your own home isn't right at all. You can say that you understand that she wants to "road test" a potential separation that you do not agree with and that you are not going to accommodate her uncomfortable emotions by leaving your own house. She's going have to work through her own emotions by confronting them herself and not asking you to leave. That's whack!

Instead, if she wants to spend time with the kids, then she can take them someplace else in the house or take them out to some activity.

[Winhamn]

"More recently, I was very withdrawn. I distanced myself from her."

Why?

I have no ability to be intimate or share myself. I isolated myself and put walls up. I'm seeing a new therapist in an effort to address the issue.

Is she right? How did you treat her if you distanced yourself from her? Were you grouchy? Angry? etc.

I ignored her, I talked to her the bare minimum, I did not give compliments or show interest in her. Angry vibe, but not openly displaying it. Grouchy. Not sharing anything about myself.

Again, I'll point to the "as if" behavior (which, btw, the book is very clear about what this means and it's not "act as if everything is ok").

"I have a lot of emotional problems, and they've steadily gotten worse over the last six months, as I've been depressed and really stressed out."

From what? Have you done anything to correct this?

I was heavily depressed. I have a restricted license (meaning I can't just up and take the kids somewhere).

I've come out of the depression and am seeking help from a variety of sources, including individual therapy and counseling.

[MrBond]

"I have no ability to be intimate or share myself. I isolated myself and put walls up. I'm seeing a new therapist in an effort to address the issue."

Were you like this when you were dating? If not, then what do you think changed?

"I ignored her, I talked to her the bare minimum, I did not give compliments or show interest in her. Angry vibe, but not openly displaying it. Grouchy. Not sharing anything about myself."

So were you like this when you were dating her?

"Again, I'll point to the "as if" behavior (which, btw, the book is very clear about what this means and it's not "act as if everything is ok")."

You're misunderstanding the "act as if" when it comes to getting your M back on track.

"I was heavily depressed. I have a restricted license (meaning I can't just up and take the kids somewhere)."

Can you elaborate? I know it's painful, but the more details you can give us the better.

"I've come out of the depression and am seeking help from a variety of sources, including individual therapy and counseling."

Sounds like you're still in the depression funk. It's coming through in your posts. What positives are there in your life right now? Can you see any?

[Bob723]

Hi Winhamn,

MrBond is spot on with this comment:

I think you misunderstand the concept of "as if". You're supposed to act "as if" you're fine and build up your strength physically, mentally, spiritually AND emotionally.

I am really working on this and it seems to help me, even if my WAW and I do not reconcile. I'm beginning to have a more positive attitude!

Also, as Wonka points out, do not leave your house. I think that would be a big mistake. If she wants to separate, don't make it any easier on her. Do your best to open up and let your actions speak .... as I heard someone once put it, "Say little, do much."

Good luck to you my friend.

Bob

[Winhamn]

It may be an argument over semantics, but the "as if" discussed in the book is one thing, acting as if you are strong, happy, and fine in the context of the Last Resort Technique is another thing.

Both are pertinent to this story.

[Winhamn]

"I was heavily depressed. I have a restricted license (meaning I can't just up and take the kids somewhere)."

Can you elaborate? I know it's painful, but the more details you can give us the better.

"I've come out of the depression and am seeking help from a variety of sources, including individual therapy and counseling."

Sounds like you're still in the depression funk. It's coming through in your posts. What positives are there in your life right now? Can you see any?

I have pretty massive mood swings at the moment, which I believe is totally normal. I tend to post here when I am feeling down.

There are times when I can see lots of positives, and am even excited and very optimistic about the idea of moving out.

(let me preface this by saying that over this same time period, my wife was watching a very close friend, her "brother", die of alcoholism. He slowly faded over the last 6 months and she spent a lot of time with him and his family)

Over the winter, I was, as I said, very depressed. I was very stressed out from being in charge of the kids (usually at least one and sometimes all three) for long periods of time over the weekends.

I was not sleeping well. I would stay up till 1130 or midnight most nights, and sometimes later. I was drinking a lot of coffee, up to 6 large cups on a regular basis, and drinking it well into the afternoon.

I started drinking beer fairly regularly, a typical weekend night drinking 1 or 2. I started eating poorly, in larger quantaties. I stopped going to the gym entirely. I lost muscle, put on bellyfat, and my energy plummeted.

I spent a lot of time laying on the couch being frustrated with the kids.

Frustrated is a good description of how I felt. I felt very alone and abandoned by my wife, I felt like she was choosing someone else over me, and I felt very uncared for. I am uncapable of lovingly expressing these feelings, so I relied on my typical coping mechanism of cold withdraw and distancing, isolating myself and pushing even further into this depression that largely stemmed from feeling isolated and trapped.

I'm addressing that issue through therapy. I am a survivor of child sexual assault, and I have a lot of flawed emotional "things" as a result of that. The process will be neither easy nor quick. But I am working on it.

As I said, I am very up and down at the moment. Certainly I am not free of depression, but there is significant improvement from where I was a month ago.