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Winhamn Offline OP
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That's where not being able to drive is so hard. It's really tough to get out right now.


Me: 35 Her (WAW): 34
D8, S5, D2
T:16, M:9
BD + D: 4/3/2015
EA Confirmed 5/6/2015
Separation under the same roof
Joined: Jun 2014
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I gotcha. Well maybe some close friends of yours can swing by and get you sometime. You just have to find a way, as difficult as it may be. Believe me it will help you immensely.


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
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Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.


Me-70, D37,S36
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Winhamn Offline OP
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She met with the lawyer yesterday. We talked some details at home. Custody arrangements, etc. No decisions made.

She was very non-challant (sp?) about it. I kept my cool, said what I really meant, and left it like that.

Afterwards, when I expected to be completely miserable, I went for a walk with my 8 year old daughter and felt really good. I had a sense of peace for much of the night.

I'm trying to get off caffeine, and didn't have any yesterday. Ended up going straight to bed after kids. Woke up a lot overnight.

Had an IC session today. I think I'll find this session to have been helpful in time, but did not provide any sort of immediate relief.

Meeting lawyer later today. Want to discuss changing some of the entries on the paperwork I filed. Not sure yet if I'm really "lawyering up" or just talking to him about a few things.


Me: 35 Her (WAW): 34
D8, S5, D2
T:16, M:9
BD + D: 4/3/2015
EA Confirmed 5/6/2015
Separation under the same roof
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 173
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Winhamn Offline OP
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She was in a car accident this morning. I missed her email and text about it. Called as soon as I could.

Very confused about how to handle the car accident situation. Shes OK but sore. Car has a bunch of damage but is drivable. She'll have to go to get damage assessed, repair work, etc.

I presume I should let that be her problem.

As for the accident phonecall, I just said how I really felt. Sorry it happened to her, terrible way to start the day, are you ok, what happened, hows the car, if she needs anything let me know. I offered to pick kids up, which it turns out she needed for work anyway. Not sure that offering was the right thing to do, but at the time I didn't know if the car was/is safe to take the kids in (it probably is).


Me: 35 Her (WAW): 34
D8, S5, D2
T:16, M:9
BD + D: 4/3/2015
EA Confirmed 5/6/2015
Separation under the same roof
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 173
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Winhamn Offline OP
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Ever since our "I saw the lawyer today" conversation, she's been totally normal. Starting all kids of conversations. Normal is how I'd describe her. Except for a few physical thing and a general don't touch me undertone.

When she was leaving this morning, I went into another room and she yelled to me "have a good day" when she left.


Me: 35 Her (WAW): 34
D8, S5, D2
T:16, M:9
BD + D: 4/3/2015
EA Confirmed 5/6/2015
Separation under the same roof
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 173
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Winhamn Offline OP
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A question:

I just spoke with a lawyer.

I have the opportunity to file a motion for conciliation, in other words it'd be court appointed marriage counseling.

Strictly from a DB/DR point of view, it seems like this would not be a good move, although it is true to what I want.


Me: 35 Her (WAW): 34
D8, S5, D2
T:16, M:9
BD + D: 4/3/2015
EA Confirmed 5/6/2015
Separation under the same roof
Joined: Mar 2015
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Winhamn, I'm in a (somewhat) similar situation, and I can tell you that the more you resist what she wants, the more she wants what she wants. Everyone's situation is different, of course, but filing a motion for conciliation against her wishes could very well irritate her and make her want out of the M even more.

And I DON'T think it was a bad thing to help her after her car accident. In fact, take those opportunities to show her love (more as a friend).

I've been doing the 180s with my stbxH for the past few weeks, reading this forum and my DB book finally arrived from Amazon.

Basically, the key thing I've learned from Michele is to play (mental) jujitsu with your WAS. Go WITH their energy, their negative feelings, their desires, and do it with a SINCERELY positive, pleasant attitude. It's very counter-intuitive, I know. Haven't gotten far enough in DB book yet to HELP them get what they want, help them in times of need and COMPLIMENT them in ways they'd never expect (but you have to mean it). Because, really, who wants to D someone who's so pleasant, helpful and complimentary despite being dumped??? Also, this makes them WANT to be around you, especially if you let them be the one to "talk" about the relationship.

For example, my stbxH just filed and house is on the market. I've been using the sale of our house to my advantage, using it as a way to reconnect and communicate. As hard as it's been to leave the house, we've spent hours and hours together cleaning, fixing things, talking about how to split assets and discussing things on the phone about the buyers/inspection/etc. And as much pain as I'm in, I've been happy, helpful and not overdoing it. I also thanked him for being respectful and fair of me during the D process (which he has been), saying it shows he has a lot of integrity (which he does)--he was STUNNED when I said that.

And according to some mutual friends, he's been taking notice of how "different" I'm acting. On his end, I've also seen a big, big transformation. I can sense he's no longer angry, resentful toward me and when we communicate, it feels like "us" again but in more of a friend way, which I'll take what I can get.

I'm getting the D paperwork (no-fault D) to sign very soon to officially start the "mandatory waiting period" in my state, and although I technically have 20 days to sign, I plan to sign it right away.

I have no idea what this means, what he's thinking, what the future holds, but I know I feel MUCH more free and less anxious because I'm learning to let go for ME. If he comes back, that's a plus.

Keep posting Winhamn. Seems like we can be of help to each other.

Last edited by Cadet; 04/16/15 11:48 AM. Reason: edit for unauthorized book entry
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Winhamn Offline OP
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Hi,

My sich in a nutshell:

Rocky marriage, WAW is moving full speed and then some on the divorce process. Separated under the same roof, she's on the couch. A week ago she declared she is "suffocating" and needs to see some progress (ie closer to divorce) being made on my end. We filed 3 weeks ago for divorce.

I don't want the divorce. 3 kids, ages 2.5, 5.5, and 8.

Trying to follow the Last Resort Technique.

My very basic question is: Should I prolong my time living in the house, or should I get out as quickly as possible?


Last edited by Winhamn; 04/20/15 04:13 PM.

Me: 35 Her (WAW): 34
D8, S5, D2
T:16, M:9
BD + D: 4/3/2015
EA Confirmed 5/6/2015
Separation under the same roof
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
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She should move out not YOU.

She should do the heavy lifting on the divorce too, not you!

However PROTECT yourself, please


Me-70, D37,S36
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