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And once again... time for another new thread...

Old threads:

Can't Believe I'm Here - http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2524363&page=1

MLCer and EA w/ OW - http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2534280&page=1

Masterpiece -
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2541483&page=1

Masterpiece still in progress - http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2546771&page=1

Masterpiece -- a little more progress - http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2546976#Post2546976

I have co-titled this thread to reflect another new song that is constantly on my playlist... "invincible" from Kelly Clarkson's new album:

"You know I was broke down, I had hit the ground
I was crying out, I couldn't make no sound
No one hears the silent tears collecting
You know I had lost hope, I was all alone
Never been so long till you came along
Teacher, I feel the dots connecting

Beat down on me, beat down like a waterfall
Cause I can take on so much more than I had ever dreamed
So beat down on me, beat down like a waterfall
Cause baby, I am ready to be free

Now I am invincible
No, I ain't a scared little girl no more
Yeah, I am invincible
What was I running for
I was hiding from the world
I was so afraid, I felt so unsure
Now I am invincible
Another perfect storm

Know I got this far, had a broken heart
No one hears the silent tears collecting
Cause it's being weak, but strong in the truth I found
I have courage now, gonna shout it out
Teacher, I feel the dots connecting

Beat down on me, beat down like a waterfall
Cause I can take on so much more than I had ever dreamed
So beat down on me, beat down like a waterfall
Cause baby, I am ready to be free

Now I am invincible
No, I ain't a scared little girl no more
Yeah, I am invincible
What was I running for
I was hiding from the world
I was so afraid, I felt so unsure
Now I am invincible
Another perfect storm

I was running from an empty threat
Of emptiness
I was running from an empty threat
That didn't exist
I was running from an empty threat
Of abandonment
I was running from an empty threat
That didn't exist

Now I am invincible..."

-----

The key line from that song for me right now is: "I can take on so much more than I had ever dreamed"

So true.

-----

And the lyrics I love from "Masterpiece", of course, are:

"...I still fall on my face sometimes
And I can't color inside the lines
'Cause I'm perfectly incomplete
I'm still working on my masterpiece
And I, I wanna hang with the greats
Got a way to go, but it's worth the wait
No, you haven't seen the best of me
I'm still working on my masterpiece..."

-- "Masterpiece" by Jessie J


Me 48, Her 50
(Same-Sex Couple)
3 Children
Together: 9.5 years before BD
BD: Week of 10/27/14
ExW started EA w OW 9/2014
ExW married OW 12/2015
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Some updates this morning...

Woke up and remembered the awesome job offer I received yesterday!!! Such a great feeling! If you missed the news, check out last few pages of my last thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2555824&page=1

Other potential news... If OW is not yet out of the picture, I think there may be trouble in paradise... Something just seems off - not seeing evidence for past few days of texting or skyping/phone calls... And two days ago I found out W turned off her phone while at S7's baseball game (would have been prime time for their texting - since this started W has always texted OW during kids' games with no guilt)... and this morning she wrote a manuscript-length email to someone (I think it was OW) while I was in the office on my computer. We sit back-to-back and her screen is too far away for me to see clearly, but she was writing forever, the email was VERY long (I could at least see that), and the "To" field seemed to contain a name that appeared to be the same length as OW's... And she did not start the email with any sort of salutation -- and I know from what I had seen in the past with their emails, she always used some sort of salutation -- either OW's name, or once things heated up, one of their pet names for each other... Absence of a salutation would mean (for my W) that the email wasn't necessarily a lovey-dovey email... I know this from my experience with my communications with my W :-)

I know this doesn't mean much -- the A could easily start back up, and even if it doesn't, there is no way to predict what will happen next... W will certainly go through affair withdrawal and she could always find OW2 instead of waking up, progressing through the tunnel, and realizing she has an awesome catch already right here at home :-)

Regardless of what is going on -- W is still being very friendly with me and there is peace in the house, so at least we have that. However, I now know that I am strong enough to withstand Monster if Monster ever comes back.

Thank you all for the positive thoughts and prayers around the job stich. I already feel so completely different this morning. I only thought I felt strong and confident yesterday before I got the news... now I truly do feel invincible! I CAN take on so much more than I had ever dreamed!

Life is very good.

God is very good.


Me 48, Her 50
(Same-Sex Couple)
3 Children
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BD: Week of 10/27/14
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Jer!!!

You got THE job...way to go, baby!! cool

Yeah, pay no attention to the quicksand that's W and OW. You don't want to get pulled into the pit. Look out for #1.

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Originally Posted By: Wonka
Yeah, pay no attention to the quicksand that's W and OW. You don't want to get pulled into the pit. Look out for #1.




That's what I've learned from these boards... I am in such a good place right now. Not going to get sucked in. Just observing. Primary goal is taking care of myself and my kids -- but putting on my oxygen mask first for sure :-)


Me 48, Her 50
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AWesome!

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Jer! Congrats!!!!


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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Well done on the job!


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Having a pretty good weekend so far...

Did confirm that OW is definitely still in the picture -- not sure why they weren't communicating very much for a few days this past week, but everything seems to be okay between them right now... Oh well, whatever...

Doesn't change any of my plans for my own journey. Very excited about the new job, and very happy about the new daily habits I've developed over the past few months regarding meditation, time spent in prayer and/or reading the bible, and time spent focusing on myself and the kids. Just spent a little time going through all of my suits and business casual stuff -- the MLC weight loss program has definitely impacted my wardrobe... Need to go shopping next week!

:-)


Me 48, Her 50
(Same-Sex Couple)
3 Children
Together: 9.5 years before BD
BD: Week of 10/27/14
ExW started EA w OW 9/2014
ExW married OW 12/2015
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W sent me a Christian song via email today... said she thought I might like it (given my recent interest in Christian music that I've shared with her) and said she really likes this particular song...

I do like it... I hope she is really listening to it a lot and that this is a sign that God is working on this situation and that eventually He will take her hand, wake her up from the fog, and lead her further along through the tunnel and out where the real work (inside of herself) can begin...

For now she's -- still in Replay, "in love" w/OW, and looking forward to me being out of the house... But at least I do see answer to some of my prayers that she will find her way back to God.

I'm really looking forward to this upcoming week. I should get word from HR about going up to their office to start on the paperwork for the new job -- and then should get an idea of an official start date. Feeling such a sense of relief that I secured this job -- it solves so many problems for me individually and for us as a family, and it also replaces some missing puzzle pieces of my "self" that have been missing since I resigned from full-time work to be a WAHM mom. Such a great feeling inside... Life is getting better every day. :-)


Me 48, Her 50
(Same-Sex Couple)
3 Children
Together: 9.5 years before BD
BD: Week of 10/27/14
ExW started EA w OW 9/2014
ExW married OW 12/2015
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This morning I am headed in to HR to begin processing my new hire paperwork. Such a GREAT feeling!!!!

As I think about heading up there this morning, I am reflecting on Proverbs 19:12:

"Many are the plans in a person's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails."

I am reflecting on this because when I resigned from the district several years ago I swore I would NEVER work for the district again. I was so burned out and sick of it -- and had absolutely no desire to ever return.

But God apparently had other plans for me -- and what great plans!... I am really looking forward to this fantastic career opportunity that I am embarking on.

But this also makes me think of my W and all other MLCer's who talk about "no desire" to work on the marriage and seem so certain that they are not in love with us, never have been, and never will be again... In my heart, my response to that is "Many are the plans in a person's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails." If it is God's Will, then it will eventually happen one way or another -- just like me going back to the district that I "divorced" with "no desire" to ever return to again.

The trick for the LBS is to learn to trust God (or the Universe if that is your preference), to let go and let God, and "be still" so God can work. I have finally learned this (the hard way) and am just letting W go on with her plans... With full faith that what God intends for us will happen regardless of what either of us think about the current circumstances between us (and between W and the OW).

Life is certainly never boring when you start to look at the big picture.

Time to finish getting ready so I can head over there...


Me 48, Her 50
(Same-Sex Couple)
3 Children
Together: 9.5 years before BD
BD: Week of 10/27/14
ExW started EA w OW 9/2014
ExW married OW 12/2015
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Congratulations on the new job! I am thrilled for you:)

And I agree....boy is it hard letting go (says woman who has huge control issues:). But I believe that the universe or God (whichever way you are inclined to believe) has a way putting things into place. Maybe we like them-maybe we don't. However, I do think when you let go, then you let the chips fall where they may.

Good luck and I hope this new opportunity brings you.....new opportunities.



3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
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Congrats on the new job!

And since I know you will be having to make many financial decisions in the near future, may I recommend that you do some reading on the mrmoneymustache website? A fantastic resource that may help you with prioritizing your financial life.

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Has been an emotional 4 hours... W sent me a text around 4:30 asking me to come downstairs to talk when I woke up. I had just woken up so I went downstairs... To make a long story short, she can't wait a few more months for me to move out (which I requested earlier this week so I could have time to earn a few paychecks in order to be able to furnish a house.)

We've talked a lot about next steps... lots of tears on both sides... so many things to figure out financially... Needing a huge miracle right now in terms of a new place to live... Was thinking originally of just renting in the neighborhood, but home rentals right now are very limited and not appropriate/comfortable for the kids. Found an ADORABLE little house for sale -- but might still be slightly out of my range unless I could come up with a huge down payment...

I know things will work out somehow someway... But definitely time to move forward in order to give W the space she needs and the reality that she thinks she wants right now.

Just need lots of prayers right now to figure things out going forward. I'm feeling emotional right now, but doing really pretty good considering everything. Not feeling scared, shattered, or broken -- just sad... But I know I'm going to be okay. I'm going to be great... Not afraid to be in my own place, just want to make sure it's a place that is safe, appropriate, and comfortable for the kids - and a miracle that would allow me to buy instead of rent would be awesome for many reasons. Still trusting that God is working all of this into something really beautiful for our family despite what the circumstances appear to be right at the moment.

Still working on my masterpiece and still believing I'm invincible regardless of the emotions I am feeling this morning.

Oh -- in other (very good) news... My start date for my new job is next Monday. Yay!


Me 48, Her 50
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BD: Week of 10/27/14
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Jer,
I am so sorry to read that you've had an emotional conversation w/your wife. Is your name on the house? If your wife is so unhappy w/the way things are, then maybe she is the one that needs to leave for a while, at least to allow you time to get established in your new job and look for a place to live. There is no way that you are going to be able to a place to live quickly and yes, you will need furniture. Maybe you need to make a list of the furniture you would like to take from your current home. In fact, I would go thru the home, identify what you want and give her the list. She needs to face the fact that she doesn't get it all, i.e., that she shared a life w/you and you have two kids together.

Jer, I know this is difficult for you, but don't roll over and give her everything. You are entitled to some of what is there. Don't make this easy for her. If she's unhappy, then she needs to go.

I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Jer - I have been away and not been posting for a bit, so just catching up. I agree 100% with Job.

I don't know what the legal sitch is in your state, but I would urge you not to make things too easy. This is what she wants, not you. MLCers (like narcissists with whom they have much in common) are very very adept at playing the guilt card. Manipulation is the name of the game during MLC. If it were a business partnership she could not behave like this.

These are children you have in common - she has obligations to them and to you as a consequence of changing her mind about how she wants to live her life.

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Job and Beatrice -- you are both correct. There are some things that we have agreed that I will take from the house. My name is on the house -- but only at a very small % so she is buying me out (and is planning to be able to do that by the end of May, beginning of June) -- I definitely cannot afford to buy her out of her % of the house.

I wish it were as easy as making her leave since all of this is her choice -- but that won't happen without a huge miracle (like her losing her job which would turn a lot of stuff upside down in both of our lives). I think the best thing at this point -- barring a huge miracle -- is just for me to get out of the way and let her live this reality.

I do believe she is going to wake up and realize that it isn't what she wants -- I do believe she is going to wake up and realize she made a huge mistake and that she really does love me -- but I don't believe that she is going to wake up while I am still here. In fact, there were a couple of things said and done this morning that give me the impression that she is struggling with this decision -- like a part of her already knows this isn't really what she wants, but she's already made up her mind and can't or won't consider the option of backing out of things with OW or trying to reconcile with me right now. (Almost like a pride issue of "what will people think if I change my mind on all of this so suddenly right now?" combined with a lot of confusion complicated by the stress of a lot of things falling apart in her life and a lack of sleep related to all of the above.) Of course, God could have other plans in that regard and maybe she will wake up before things go much farther... But I can't assume that is going to happen.

Having said all of that... I do suspect that the rush to do all of this is because she may be getting pressure from the OW. However, only God knows what is going on in OW's heart and head... I can't presume to know any of that for certain, but I do suspect it based on things I am observing as well as the timing of all of this. But I also think that if that is the case, I also suspect that pressure from the OW may also be based on some doubts and concerns that OW is having -- and I don't think those have anything to do with me. In other words, I think there is more going on with this entire situation than my W realizes, and I think she is in for a rude awakening at some point when real life doesn't match the fantasy of what she thinks life will be like when I am out of the house.

In a nutshell... it's MLC and it's just craziness...


Me 48, Her 50
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Jer,
I'm very sorry that this is happening to you. They are just out to lunch and the path of destruction is terrible. Please do whatever you need to do to protect yourself and your assets.

I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Who has moved out of the house?

Are you both still there? That is unclear.

Don't move out of the house!!!!


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Thanks Job!

I am definitely doing everything I can to take care of myself, my kids, and all of my assets.

My start date just got moved up to this Friday!

Thanks for all of the thoughts and prayers :-)


Me 48, Her 50
(Same-Sex Couple)
3 Children
Together: 9.5 years before BD
BD: Week of 10/27/14
ExW started EA w OW 9/2014
ExW married OW 12/2015
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HeavyD -- I don't have a choice... W owns majority of the house and I could never afford to buy her out. I've made peace with this part of the situation -- I do agree that on moral grounds she should be the one to move, but that just isn't going to happen in this sitch.


Me 48, Her 50
(Same-Sex Couple)
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I would not move out.

Hire a lawyer ti protect your legal rights. If she wants to buy you our (if it comes to that) my suggestion is to let that be a court decision. That buys you a lot of time. If you just move out, you automatically forfit and give her the leverage.

Don't move out!!! She's the one having the affair not you!!


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Just know you are not alone out there.

I get why you are being the MUCH bigger person by agreeing to move out but I suggest if you do move out that you use that as leverage for the entire settlement.

You and your W though not legally married were acting as a common law couple. The reason she was able to do so well financially and have 3 kids is in part because of your support as a W. You have contributed to her success - don't let that be cast aside.

I know how hurtful this is, stay strong & happy.

Enjoy your kids smile


----
M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13

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Thanks BklynMom...

Yeah -- none of this is easy. Everyone else's points about not moving out are valid, but me staying here is just not possible in my particular sitch. I may not be getting the house -- but I am getting other things out of this... And most importantly, yes, I am being the bigger/better person in all of this. It may be a VERY long time before my W recognizes that, but one day she will look back and realize what she did to me and to our kids and I know she will have regrets about it.

I can't go into details right now -- but I am beginning to see more cracks in her... like small bites of reality are starting to set in... and the more I think about what happened this morning, the more convinced I am that some of this is being prompted by pressure from OW -- and my gut instinct is telling me that there is more going on than I can observe and that OW's doubts/concerns/pressure has less to do with me and more to do with reality setting in for OW (again -- lots of issues on her end with this R that is still "secret" and not out in the open to her family and friends)... As for W, she appears to be back to being on the verge of a nervous breakdown (just minus monster this time)... I can't do anything about that -- I can only take care of myself and I'm trying my best to do that given the circumstances. At least I finally have a GREAT job which helps me take care of myself and the kids financially.


Me 48, Her 50
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I would not move out until she hands you the check for your part of the house. If she can't do that until May or June, I would not move until then. Once you move out you have little leverage to make her pay you.If she wants it that badly she will come up with the money.

As for buying a new house, talk to a mortgage broker first. You will probably find that you have to jump through some hoops since you were self-employed and your income wasn't that great (they won't count your new income until you've been working there for a while).

Take your time and find an appropriate rental for now. Don't leave the house though without a check for your share.

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I agree w/kml...no moving out until you have the check in your hand. Don't make this easy for her.


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I can't stress this enough - DO NOT MOVE OUT. This is for your protection and for your kids potection, no matter what she says or does. The best way to take care of yourself and kids financially is NOT MOVE OUT.

She is having an affair, you can't trust anything she says or does. She is in crisis mode. She is not looking after your best interests or the children's best interests. She is looking after HER best interests that that does not include YOU.

Please be careful about this and protect yourself. You are the only one looking after you and your kids.


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I am hearing all of you... and hearing the same thing from family members that I've spoken with today AND, of all people, my W's therapist! Please don't ask how I got the same advice from her therapist -- I can't reveal that information... But even the therapist is concerned about what is happening and the decisions she is making while she is in this crisis mode.

There are some other things going on as well that I can't go into right now -- but along the same lines: very poor decisions being made as a result of this crisis and the breakdown she is having this week (cycling again combined what we all believe to be pressure from the OW)... There may be some tough conversations tonight so please keep me in your prayers -- I need strength and for God to give me all of the right words to say in order to defend my stance on some things.

What doesn't kill me will only make me stronger...


Me 48, Her 50
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Wait ... MLC'rs make poor decisions???


Jer just caught up on you ... I do agree with ^^^^ on the moving out thing, however maybe for different reasons.

I do think there is a point you have to pull the rug out, separate living condidtions at first gives them that freedom they think they need to feel happy, I can only speak with my MLC'r ... being alone terrifies her, and in your case OW can not be there .. W's OM was always busy and nor could he, so those thoughts take over and they slowly start processing .. with you out .. more time for her to really think, not good for her.

I would not move a teacup till you have $$ AND you have found a place that you love, DO NOT SETTLE... you did not ask for this so do not allow her to shove you into a place you are not going to love ... DO NOT DO IT ... I did, not knowing W was in MLC, nor what to do ... I took a 1 bedroom in a house because in a month or two W would have come to her senses ... that was 1 1/2 years ago. I have JUST moved into a little place I like, its mine, and I am comfortable there ... you NEED that ok??

All the other stuff ... yup .. Give it to God, keep on your path and everything will work out in its own way, you know that

Hang in there.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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My question is why all the focus on her?

W is in crisis mode
W is making very poor decisions
W is having a breakdown
W is cycling again
W is pressured from OW

What about YOU and your KIDS? Where is your concern for YOU and them? What's important now is YOU. W is on her own path of destruction.


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Trust me -- I am focusing on myself and trying to take care of me and the kids. The focus on W this week is simply because of this new turn of events -- which, I suspect as I have stated, is because of pressure from OW.

My mom did call me late last night out of concern for me -- she'd just gotten off of an hour-long phone call with W's mom who called my mom to express her concerns about my emotional state last night. In a nutshell, W's mom expressed concern for me and stressed to my mom that everyone in the family (W's family) is on my side in all of this and that everyone thinks W is making a colossal mistake -- several colossal mistakes -- in her life right now as a result of this MLC.

New developments -- I am not moving out of the house until W can give me the full amount she owes me for my share of the house. That is going to take a couple of months at least -- but she has agreed to that. There are a few other things that she has also agreed to as of this morning as a result of me sharing a number of my concerns with her very early this morning. It was another tear-filled discussion and it was clear when she left for work this morning that she had continued crying after I left to take the kids to school -- I could see it all over her face when she came in the office to tell me goodbye. She even asked if I was feeling any better after our talk this morning -- and her asking me how I feel is a change from her attitude over the past several months.

I think it helped that I stressed the importance of me being in the right frame of mind for my first day of work at my new job tomorrow. I know she doesn't want me to underperform due to stress and end up losing the job -- so right at this moment in time she is willing to "give in" on a few things to reduce my stress level for at least my first couple of weeks in the new position. And again -- that is also a change -- just a few months ago she wouldn't have cared about my feelings or my stress level... But I also think this concern is driven by her need for me to be fully employed so I can move out. So while it's nice to see and feel the concern, I know that it's still coming from a place of selfishness.

But it is a change...

Today is a day filled with errands and some rest... Need to be ready to be a rockstar tomorrow at my new job :-)


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Originally Posted By: CaliGuy
I do think there is a point you have to pull the rug out, separate living conditions at first gives them that freedom they think they need to feel happy, I can only speak with my MLC'r ... being alone terrifies her, and in your case OW can not be there .. W's OM was always busy and nor could he, so those thoughts take over and they slowly start processing .. with you out .. more time for her to really think, not good for her.


This is exactly the reason that I do want to move out eventually. It kills me to think of moving out and putting my kids through the "moving between two homes" routine, but I do believe that it's going to take that time and space of W being completely alone every other week for her to wake up and begin processing everything before she can realize what a huge mistake all of this is. And you are so correct -- OW will not be here in person and despite the texting and skype/phone calls, there will still be a lot of time left for my W to be left alone with her thoughts. She does tend to self-medicate with television, but I still think eventually even that won't be enough to keep the thoughts away.

My only concern with all of that is: when she does start processing and moves further into deeper depression, what happens during the weeks when she does have possession of the kids... I worry about their welfare in that situation. But I probably shouldn't worry about that... If I've learned anything in this sitch it's that God does have his hands on all of this and what I think will happen in the future probably won't happen so it's best to just focus on today and the things that I need to get accomplished today... tomorrow will take care of itself.

Originally Posted By: CaliGuy
I would not move a teacup till you have $$ AND you have found a place that you love, DO NOT SETTLE... you did not ask for this so do not allow her to shove you into a place you are not going to love ... DO NOT DO IT ... I did, not knowing W was in MLC, nor what to do ... I took a 1 bedroom in a house because in a month or two W would have come to her senses ... that was 1 1/2 years ago. I have JUST moved into a little place I like, its mine, and I am comfortable there ... you NEED that ok??


This is precisely why I got so stressed out yesterday over all of this... I panicked with the thought of having to find a place so quickly, without the money, while I'm starting a new job, and having to "settle" for something that just isn't appropriate or comfortable for my kids. Fortunately, she was very agreeable this morning and this has been taken care of for now... Not moving out until she gives me the full amount and that is at least a couple of months away. Plenty of time for me to adjust to the new job, save up money for the move, and take my time looking for places.

Originally Posted By: CaliGuy
All the other stuff ... yup .. Give it to God, keep on your path and everything will work out in its own way, you know that

Hang in there.


Amen! Giving all of it to God -- especially my W. I can't change her or fix her. I can only love her and pray for her while staying on my path, allowing God to work on me, and taking the steps I need to take to get my life together so that I am back to being the strong, independent woman that I was when my W and I first met and started dating. My kids (and I) need for me to do all of that... God is working on all of this and will work all of this out according to His Will. It definitely makes it easier to cope with a lot of this stuff to have that kind of faith within this crazy MLC storm in our lives.


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Had an AWESOME first day on the new job!!!! So excited!

Oh, and W came home in a really rotten mood tonight... no clue why... Oh well... I'm sure she'll choose some fun point this weekend to explode or breakdown... After the great day that I had at work today, I'm just kind of in a "I'm so over this" mode with the MLC. Her rotten mood could be from a long list of different things, and it would be pointless for me to try to guess why or even care why at this point because there is nothing I can do to fix her or make her feel better about anything. Such a relief to be at a point where this doesn't bother me the way it would have in the past... Now I'm just over it... Adults don't behave this way.

Looking very forward to next week -- my first full week in the new position... This is really going to be such a great career move for me in so many ways. :-)

Invincible...


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Hi Jer - I agree it is pointless to try and guess what is going on with a MLCer, but part of her rotten mood could be the changes in you. They like us to stay the same - someone safe to blame. When we get a life of our own it seems to unsettle and upset them.

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Jer,
I'm so glad your first day was awesome! Just wait, next week will be full of fun and adventures, as well as getting down to work. You'll make some new friends along the way and have more things to think about.

I do agree w/Bea. You can't figure the mlcer out and they do like for us to remain right where they left us. They do not like to see us happy. But, you know what? That's her problem not yours. You've got a lot to be proud of as well as happy.

Continue moving forward.


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The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Bea & Job --

Thanks for the support! I am definitely looking forward to all that this new job will provide for me professionally and personally :-)

What both of you said about my MLC W also crossed my mind, but then I thought that was pretty egotistical of me to think that her mood might be because of the happiness and success I am achieving in the midst of all of this. Her mood really could be caused by any number of things: OW flaking out and expressing more doubts & concerns over continuing the R, problems at work, anger that I'm still in the house, stress over her horrible financial situation, depression over her own mental state and everything in her life spiraling out of control, a combination of all of those things... And yes, perhaps lots of anger and envy that I seem to be doing so well despite the chaos that she has brought into my life. Realistically, it probably is a combination of all or most of those things... In her head she is probably thinking "Why is my life falling apart, but Jer's life seems to be improving? Not fair!" (The last statement said in her best 5-year old voice.)

Whatever the reason -- none of it is really my problem any more... (actually, never was my problem) Job - you are right -- I do have so much to be proud of -- not just this new career opportunity, but also the way that I've picked myself up and worked to improve myself in so many ways during this crisis, grown so much stronger than ever before, and rediscovered my faith and a very strong relationship with God while trying to keep life for the kids as drama-free as possible for the past 5 1/2 months. There is SO much to be proud of within all of that and I am proud of myself for what I've been able to do throughout this nightmare. I can either be a victim of circumstances or I can rise above my circumstances, live life to its fullest, thrive rather than simply survive, and be the best version of me possible. I choose to not be a victim. :-)

Onward and upward!


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W has been in slight monster-mode all weekend... Finally confronted her about it (not afraid of monster anymore and have learned that letting her vent and release the anger takes monster away for a while), and wow! what spew came out of her today...

Fun times in MLC-land...


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Jer,
I'm sorry that you are experiencing the monster mode from your wife. The monster spewing isn't any fun and I my hat's off to you for confronting her about it. There is no reason for her to behave this way and you don't have to take that stuff from her.

Tomorrow is a new day and a full week of work for you. I'm sure you will be busy and finding many challenges in the days ahead, i.e., at work and at home. Stay calm and try to remember to step back for a bit if you have to make any major decisions.

Good luck this week!


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^^ Ditto to Job....

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2nd day on the job went great! I really like this new job -- which is so new (no one has ever held this position before) that I have the opportunity to really shape what this role becomes within the department. How cool is that?!

W still in monster mode. For the record, according to her, I am the most selfish and laziest person in the world and EVERYTHING that is wrong with her life right now is ALL my fault. In fact, she hasn't said this to me yet, but if things are going south with OW then I am quite certain that she is going to blame all of that on me as well -- because I didn't get out of the house soon enough for her and OW to really pursue a R and figure out if it would work.

I know that none of that is true -- but it is what she believes right now and no one can convince her otherwise. Her own mother today told me not to believe a word of it and that in her opinion my W is making the biggest mistake of her life and destroying a perfectly good life with me.

So on to next steps... finding a new place to live that is suitable for a family and leaving W to self-destruct here on her own. Of course I will continue to pray unceasingly for her (and for "us"), but she needs the space and time on her own -- and I need to be away from her for my own sanity. Although, I really am doing great now -- monster no longer scares me and I don't feel as vulnerable now that I have a GREAT new job that will allow me to do much more than just "survive."

I believe I read someone else on another thread mention something about how horrible it must be inside of the MLCer's head and I can believe it. The pain that my W is suffering right now is written all over her face and in her body language. Even though I do think OW is still in the picture (but not sure for how much longer), it is very clear to me that my W is horribly miserable and completely unhappy. It really is sad to observe because I do love her and I do want her to be healthier and happier -- but that won't happen until she wakes up and begins to see reality (the way the rest of us see it) and begins to accept that the work that needs to be done is inside of her. Until then I am afraid she is just going to keep trying to latch on to the "next new thing" to try to self-medicate and make the pain go away temporarily. Really sad.


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It is sad ... and its painful that the LBS can do little to help, they have to figure it out and by the time they do that they have to face the destruction caused by their actions.

You sound like you are doing amazing .. and Jer .. thats all you can really do ... you are in a good place .. stay there and build on the new you, its amazing to watch.


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Jer,

I think in reading your recent post that you've found your center in a way that allows you to really view your W with true compassion. That is a feat that not many LBSes of a MLCer can accomplish in the early stages. You have grown quite bit and I am proud of your progress.

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Thanks Cali & Wonka --

Doing my best to find & keep my center and to keep moving forward. Having the new job definitely helps in so many ways -- keeps me busy, helps me feel stronger and less vulnerable, self-esteem booster, and I know now that I've got some great money coming in on a steady basis as soon as I get my first paycheck.

Whatever is going on with W this week is not fun to watch -- but at least I am now in a place where her moods don't really affect my moods the way they did in the past. An observation -- So far, most of her "nervous breakdown" moments have lasted 1 or 2 days at best... this one has been going on now for about a week and doesn't seem to be letting up. I don't know what that means, and she isn't communicating with me beyond very basic logistics with home or kid stuff -- so I have no clue if the breakdown is the result of things going really badly (worse than previously) at work or the result of some sort of rift between her and OW or extreme stress over the financial mess she is in right now. I guess it doesn't really matter that I don't know the reason for the current nervous breakdown -- whatever the reason, I didn't cause it or break her and therefore I can fix it or her.

All I can do for her -- other than stay out of her way (and under the radar) as much as possible -- is to keep her in my prayers and let God work on her.

My next major task (for me) is the search for a new place to live... There isn't much that is appropriate (and nearby) on the market right now, but the search has already begun and I have some great support from family members with regard to helping with the search as well as some initial financial support to help with furnishing the place. I know that when the time is right -- just like with the job -- God will make this happen the way that it is all supposed to happen. :-)


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Again, make sure you speak to a mortgage broker. Lending has gotten much stricter and I doubt that you can qualify for a loan with such a new job unless you have a cosigner.

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KML -- not buying right away. Just going to rent for a while.

So W is in major monster mode this week... Spew is of epic proportions... Her perception of our entire R/M is unreal... Her perception of me is unreal... If i didn't know at better I'd swear she is possessed by a demon because this behavior and her thought process are so completely different from the person I thoughy I knew for 9.5 years.

Just need to get out of her way...


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Jer, I know exactly what you mean by seeming possessed - they are just not like the person we knew.

The spewing eventually stops: they seem to finally run out of steam, but it can take a long while. After many years my xh no longer sees me as public enemy No 1. But it took forever, and even now, when we are in contact, I am very very careful what I say. Sad when we so much in harmony for so long.

I hope your partner comes back, but whatever happens, you will be fine.

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Thanks Bea...

I hope she comes back from this as well, but it does seem clear right now that will take a very long time. Just giving her to God at this point.

And yep -- I am going to be just fine. :-)

(Actually that might be part of what is fueling monster right now -- the demon inside of her is furious that I am doing so well and I am going to be fine... I think she may be angry that I am not as miserable as she is...)


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Hey Jer

Just thinking aloud here, I know when my W went full on Monster it was rough, in the early phases I was not a member here, I did not know how to handle it other than to meet her Monster head on with my Monster, I had a big scary one and we would have some epic battles. I know that is not what you are doing ... however as much as us LBS's just put on the spew jacket and wait out the storm ... there does come a point when you have grown (As you have) and you start realizing 'this has nothing to do with me' (As you have) The next step ... and this will help you later, is to start setting up a boundary in this area. With my wife, she would start ramping up, I would calmly tell her I will not be treated nor spoke to this way any longer and I would calmly end the conversation by either leaving .. or saying goodbye and hanging up.
Sure at first its rough, no joke I had 18 TM and 10 ignored calls one day ... but like a teenager sometimes you need to be the 'parent' ... they will test you. Looking back this was huge in my turn around, I started feeling more self esteem and self worth and though her and I have not spoken about this just yet ... I felt her actually respecting me more... again .. all slow and gradual and is to the point when a little monster starts up all it takes is a hand gesture and she stops.

Not saying put this in your arsenal now, but give it some thought ... like the DB principles .. do what works ... and ^^^^ worked for me in more ways than one.


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Great advice Cali! I think I am at that point now... But most of the spew so far is just in emails from her... Long, rambling, "everything she thinks I've done wrong towards her and what a horrible person I am" emails... In person she just isn't speaking to me this week. Fun!

BTW -- in my replies to her I am refusing to respond to her accusations (which are false and irrational -- but very definitely her perception of reality right now) and refusing to play the defensive game -- just replying with short responses to direct questions regarding next legal steps -- very professional responses with very little emotion at this point.


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Well, the other adult living in this house with me right now has said a total of about 5 words to me in about as many days... communication at this point is primarily via email -- even when we are in the same house together. She is also avoiding making eye contact with me and pretty much ignores me when we happen to be in the same room together. I guess in all fairness -- the same could be said for me since I am just trying to stay under the radar and not initiate any conversation.

It will be nice to take the kids to church tomorrow and to interact with some other adults while I am there :-)

Oh -- and the other fun thing she's done recently is put away all of the photos of us together. The family photos are still out -- but only because those are not directly in her line of site in the rooms she is in most often. We haven't even told the kids yet -- and all of the photos (there were quite a lot) of us together have been removed from view. MLC is SO much fun! On that note -- the plan is to tell the kids next weekend... and I heard from my MIL that yesterday when she and my FIL took the kids out to dinner, our oldest daughter was talking about when the laws will change so "my mommies can get married to each other"... But as my MLC-W will say "the kids are going to be just fine."

I can't get out of this house -- and away from the craziness -- fast enough... Just sad that my kids are going to be impacted by all of this.


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Hey Jer

Hang on in there - you are really handling this so well.

Originally Posted By: Jer2911
Well, the other adult living in this house with me right now has said a total of about 5 words to me in about as many days... communication at this point is primarily via email -- even when we are in the same house together.


More like 4 kids and 1 adult me thinks! Your w is now in child zone so your kids need you to step up and be their stability, especially when you do tell them officially.

Keep going forwards, you are doing amazingly well, I admire your ability to remain in the same house and not snap! - its a real testament to you. ((hugs))

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Jer .. been thinking about you .. hope all is well.


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Thanks for checking on me! Doing ok... Has been a very busy week -- my new job is great and definitely not boring... Can't go into detail, but actively involved with investigating stuff that is pretty high profile across our district and city.

At home... Not much new -- W still in orbit, not speaking to me very much, OW still in picture, and I am actively looking for a rental that is as ideal as possible that I can move into as soon as possible. We are telling the kids this weekend (mixed feelings about doing this, but can't stall W any longer on this), so I do ask for lots of prayer around that -- specifically that God will surround our children with lots of love, peace, and guardian angels as we tell them that we are splitting up and that I am moving to a new home. I hate that this has to be done, but perhaps dealing with their reaction to the news will be one part of the process that may eventually start some sort of awakening in my W... Not expecting that to be immediate, but thinking perhaps it might be part of a long-term awakening process... Like one more jolt of reality that creates cracks in the fantasy if that makes any sense. Regardless of the impact on W, this is something that does need to be done -- I just wish we could wait a little longer.

Had a couple of breakdown moments earlier in the week where I pretty much screamed, cried, and yelled at God -- but feeling more peace over the past couple of days and back to a place of strength and faith that God is in control of this entire situation despite what the circumstances look like to me and everyone else. :-)


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Jer,

I am glad to hear that the new job is going really well for you and that you're enjoying it.

A word about informing the kids this weekend, you would want to be true and authentic with yourself. What I mean by that is that you do not have to go along with the charade of "we are parting amicably, friends...blah, blah." I think it would be real if you share with your kids that you love Mommy and are sad about this...would prefer that all stay together in the house.

The biggest emphasis you would want to make to the kids that both of you dearly love them and that this isn't their fault at all.

Don't let W railroad you and spin out her own narrative when talking with them.

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Thanks for the advice Wonka -- pretty much in line with W's therapist who has conveyed the importance of being as honest as possible while being age-appropriate (kids are 5 and 7).

W has shared with me what she wants to say and I agree with most of it -- but disagree with saying that "our love for each other has changed" because my love for her hasn't changed (well, at least not in the same way that she thinks her love for me has changed -- I think you all understand what I mean)... And I am struggling with how to approach that when we do tell them. I like how you put it -- I think that is simple enough without going into details that they won't understand at their current age, but also true to what I do feel about the situation. W and I are not on great speaking terms right now which really concerns me because I would prefer that we be able to talk about this more before we do tell the kids -- hoping and praying that God can provide a small miracle in just breaking down the communication barrier long enough this weekend for us to have a very civil conversation about this before we tell the kids this weekend.


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Hey Jer, just wanted to wish you luck for this weekend and say I am thinking of you and your kids.

Its going to be hard but you come across as one tough cookie, so you will do just fine.

((hugs)) to you

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Jer - with MLCers you are d*amned if you do and if you don't as well. Wonka is right about being truthful. What your W thinks and feels changes from moment to moment, and in addition they forget a lot and then rewrite history as they go along - the rewriting history isn't just of the past of the marriage. It is on-going to do at least two things.

Make sense of what is going on to them

Put them in as good a light as possible.

This amicable split for instance: why do your feelings have to have changed to suit her emotional landscape? Because anything else would make her look bad. At least for now she isn't doing the 'I never loved you', nor, as my xh did telling the children that they were never wanted . . . . .(And now he wonders why they have a non-relationship)

I agree about keeping it as amicable as possible for the children, but the overwhelming odds are that you will be the main parent, and certainly the only reliable one, as long as she is in crisis.

So it is important that your children trust you 100%. They do not want or need two apparently confused adults in their lives.

Do not answer any of their tough questions for your wife. This is her circus. It will be difficult, it has to happen, and you will be OK. One fucntional parent is enough. Two is great, and a bonus in life!

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Originally Posted By: beatrice
Jer - with MLCers you are d*amned if you do and if you don't as well.


Boy have I learned that through all of this!!! I think that is the most important thing to understand with MLCers... I've reached a point where I do realize this, so I don't worry quite as much about decisions now -- because it doesn't matter what I decide or do, she will ALWAYS think it's the wrong thing while she is in this crisis.

Fairly low-key day today... we tell them tomorrow unless W has a miraculous change of heart overnight.


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I will say a special prayer for you and your kids.

I agree with Wonka - don't sugar coat it for the kids, tell them the truth in an age appropriate way. Why cover for your WAW? Its just an attempt for her to shift the blame.


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Thanks for the thoughts and the prayers. And yes, I think I am going to use the words that Wonka shared -- I think those words are very age-appropriate and very true to what I feel about all of this.


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Well, that was easily one of the worst experiences of my entire life... All three started crying hysterically, asking why and not understanding why mommy and I can't just fix things... Horrible. I did use Wonka's words and tried very hard to make it clear that I do not want this. Which led to questions of why it is happening because if I don't want it then I can change it. Oh if only it were that simple.

Just spending time playing with them now and they are no longer crying or pouting -- which I am sure makes W think they are just fine. I know we are not done dealing with their feelings over this... Just praying that God continues to create consequences that she has do deal with over this. One observation -- she was completely expressionless while she was telling the kids. Once they started crying and asking questions she acted like none of it affected her... Not sure if it's because she is just that detached from her own emotions or if that was just her way of dealing with the pain we inflicted on our own children in that moment this morning. Who knows what was going on in her head... In my heart and head I was falling apart while seeing their pain... Horrible experience.


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I am sorry, I know how hard that is, I have been through it. I was very honest with my son. I told him I didn't want this and that I was not giving up on us or our family. He still hears that from time to time, it's been 20 months now.

Stay open to conversation and questions with them, they may come up in the next few days. Also, stay honest. Kids are very aware of their parents emotions, it's ok to tell them when you are feeling sad. They don't want to be told stories or kept in the dark, I believe honesty is the healthiest option. It lets them know the emotions they are feeling are normal and ok.

It will be ok, stay their rock smile


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Jer sorry you had to go through that, I was not here when I went through it but reading that took me back almost 2 years when I was in that family meeting about how Mommy and Daddy were going to take a break. I was more pi$$ed off about it than anything and really figured 2 months tops .... man .. how wrong and how off was I??

Originally Posted By: Jer2911
One observation -- she was completely expressionless while she was telling the kids. Once they started crying and asking questions she acted like none of it affected her... Not sure if it's because she is just that detached from her own emotions or if that was just her way of dealing with the pain we inflicted on our own children in that moment this morning. Who knows what was going on in her head... In my heart and head I was falling apart while seeing their pain... Horrible experience.


I had that one too, was like we were at a business deal and she had absolutely no connection to S nor me .... then when some of the depression would set in later you at least see some sort of emotion, but it would lift and back to that Fake-Happy as I would call it in my head ... on the outside she most likely appeared happy to those who did not know her, but to those close we all knew better. Its a strange characteristic with MLC thats for sure.
Just be on alert, that Guilt bucket got heavier for her, I would expect some spew / fall out coming ... get the jacket ready.


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Putting on jacket now! :-)


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Can't into details but W definitely spewing in such a major way... I really can't do anything right in her view right now and everything that is spinning out of control in her life is all my fault and she is not at fault for anything in her life right now.

I know this is all part of the MLC craziness -- I just wish my kids were not being so hurt by all of this. I am praying so hard that God will provide me/us with a wonderful new place to live very soon so I can get away from this hurricane and begin trying to heal some of the damage inflicted on the kids.


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Jer

I am so sorry to hear that your WW is spewing and inflicting damage to you and your kids. Yep. That is classic MLC behavior. Nothing is their fault although they set all of it in motion.

Just remember that none of this has to do with you, it's all her issue (s) so the best strategy is to just ignore as much as you can and don't take it personally. The less reactive you are to her nonsense, the better.

Continue to be the best Mom you can, and yes, God will see you and your children through this dark time, with or without your
W.

I am praying for you.


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Jer

Yup ... I had a hunch, that added guilt with realizing the kids are going to be impacted was going to manifest and turn into pressure, if its one thing that triggers the Spew its pressure. She most likely will use you as the out, blame you for all this ... its easier to cast blame than it is to look internaly and accept responsibility, another storm you as the LBS must ride out.

Hang in there, it stinks I know ... but you are equipped for this.


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Good news... Have a lease in the works on a really cute house that is perfect for me and the kids! More details later...


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Ah may zing!! ☺️


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So a few more details... found a great house -- a little more expensive than I wanted to pay for rent, but it really is a great house and will be so comfy for us... and comfy is important for the kids right now.

It is also very close to the kids' school -- which means it is close to our current home and where I work, so there are many "pluses" about this house. The only downside is that the family that owns it will be moving back in a few years, so we will eventually have to find something else.

My hope is that one of two things happen within the next couple of years -- 1) I reach a point where I can qualify for a home loan (should be fine once I have a longer salary history with the new job), or 2) W wakes up, realizes what a huge mistake she's made, and we start working on rebuilding...

Still a long way off from W waking up, so for now just focusing on making a comfortable home in a new place for me and the kids. And actually looking forward to having some physical and mental space away from W for a while so I can make more progress on my own personal changes.

Had a pretty good day today... I think W is happier now that we have a more firm timeframe for me to move out of the house. There was no monster today -- and she's been in monster mode pretty much non-stop for about a month now. I did get her a card for tomorrow -- wrote a really nice note in it a little while ago and then left it out for her to find in the kitchen. Just felt the need to say some things from my heart -- because really, despite everything going on between the two of us, I do not and never will ever regret making the choice to have children and build a family with her. She's just in a really dark place right now in her heart, mind, and soul -- but until she went to that dark place she was (and can be again) and amazing and wonderful woman, mother, wife, best friend, and so much more. I do not expect the card to spark any kind of "wake up" -- just wanted to let her know some of my thoughts and feelings... and to express a very sincere happy Mother's Day to her.

And on that note... I do wish all of the moms here a very happy Mother's Day tomorrow :-)


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Congrats on the place Jer

I know I also took something a bit more, but the fact it was closer to S, his school, W (That was not planned) ... it all worked out as my commute time has been drastically cut allowing me time to cook again at home ... so the money I am saving with food and gas ... plus more time with S ended up being totally worth it.

Maybe once your W is alone, you are removed and not the focus of all her unhappiness she can begin to do some work. I know if I was around all the time my W would have never looked once in the mirror.

Stay the course .. you have this.


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Jer291

I am so happy that you have located a place that works for you and your kids.

I am also very very impressed with your attitude towards your wife. You loving acts of forgiveness and willingness to help her through this dark place are an inspiration to me and I am sure many others on this Board.

Maybe I can incorporate some of the ideas you have into my noggin. That seems to be my biggest stumbling block. Forgiveness .... of myself ..... and of her and the choices she is making right now.....

Keep up the great work.


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Forgiveness has been so critical for me to get through this without hating her. And, as others have said on other posts, it really is more for me at this point than for her. Honestly, she is not in a place right now to really care if I forgive her -- she doesn't think she's done or is doing anything wrong right now.

On a related note... She still hasn't opened or read the card I gave her for Mother's Day. On a positive note -- she also hasn't just tossed it in the trash without even opening it... Yet. She may still decide to do that, but for now I am taking it as a positive sign that maybe she will read it since it hasn't gone into the trash yet.

Work is keeping me so incredibly busy -- and it is very challenging work... So I am so grateful for this new position for so many reasons. God has really blessed me with this career move :-)


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Jer,
I see positives all around you. You've come so far in a very short period of time. I'm glad the position is challenging and keeping your mind focused on it while you are there. You needed a change of scenery and this was the ideal position for you at this time. New position, new friends, new things to think about will help you along the way.

As for forgiveness...you are correct...it is actually for you and I'm glad you've done this. It's more difficult to be angry and become bitter and hateful over what she's done. Life is far too short and you certainly don't want to walk about playing the victim and being bitter all of the time. Forgiving her says a lot about you and I'm happy to see that you've taken the high road. Your wife is going to end up hating herself at some point for the things she's said and done and she will have to find a way to deal w/those feelings when the time comes. She won't understand how you could forgive her and at that time you can give her your honest answer about that.

As for the card...it may take some time, but she will open it and she will keep it. MLCers tend to keep the things that we give them, i.e., wrapping paper, cards, notes, emails, etc. It's their way of going back and touching on what they had. It's a very thin thread of connection even when we are completely gone. She may toss it in the trash so that you can see it, but it will be removed later, so don't get upset if you see it in the trash. But, I don't think she'll do that.

Continue moving forward. I think you are doing a wonderful job of moving forward and carving out a new life for you and the children. I do hope and pray that one day she'll realize what she lost.


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Thanks for the kind words Job :-)

Just checked and she still has not opened or read the card... But still not tossed in trash either... This is a bit like CaliGuy has mentioned before -- almost like a science experiment to be observed.

Another observation is that she remains in monster mode right now despite the fact that I am moving out soon and she will have the life and freedom she thinks she wants. I expected she would be overjoyed when I told her I had signed a lease but her attitude has not improved and almost seems worse at times. The good news is that her mood and attitude don't affect me very much if at all now. I know this has more to do with junk going on inside of her than anything I am doing or not doing -- if that wasn't apparent before, it is very apparent now with the impending move.

No other updates right now. Just lots of "to do"s to get done before I am able to move in to the new place at the beginning of next month.


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The card is finally missing. Not seeing it in any of her normal places and did not see it in the trash, but she could have easily put it in her computer bag and tossed it into the trash at work.

Oh well... I did say some really nice things in the card so it's her loss if she tossed it without reading it.

Spending most of my day today doing some packing of my personal items. Just a few weeks left here in the house -- mixed emotions... Will be good to have some space (physical and mental) from her, but so sad that it means breaking our family apart. I hope one day we can be really honest with our kids about what happened here and why I had to move out even though I never wanted to.


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Interesting what job said about the MLCr's keeping things.

I would not put a whole lot on that card Jer, it came from a good place in your heart and I would think that she knows if she read it its going to tug at her a bit, ya know .. that whole pressure thing that MLCrs do not care for.

As far as her moods ... again I do think its inline with how they operate, you out of the house was one of the obstacles for her 'happiness' and the closer that gets the more you would think she would be happy ... but reality is probably setting in and adding confusion along with pressure so that euphoria is not there ... most likely frustrating her as nothing she tries is working toward making her happier.

Hang in there Jer.... you are playing this out very well.


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Jer,
The card is a reminder of what she once had w/you. It makes her feel guilty right now and she doesn't want to feel that way, especially if you wrote some nice things in the card. I would venture to say that the card is somewhere safe at the moment. Some day, she will look at it, especially when she's alone in the house and has a lot of time on her hands.

As for her being happy, she's miserable in many ways. She wants you to move out and yet in the back of her mind, she doesn't. To be perfectly honest, a mad hornet is better to deal w/than a MLCer because you know exactly what you've done to irritate them.

The best thing you can do is continue as you have been and find joy in your children each every day. Right now, she can't stand the fact that you aren't crying, begging and pleading w/her, but most importantly trying to have discussions about the relationship. You aren't giving her any justification for what she's done or continues to do. The best revenge is to live well and be happy.

One day, when your children are older, you, and hopefully your w, will sit down and tell them what happened...but for now, they are so young and truly don't understand what is going in w/her.


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Jer,

Job is correct that MLCers do HANG on to stuff bought by the LBS and they do read them later. I still have some of that stuff from Ms. Wonka and I do read them from time to time. Trust me, your W has read the card and WON'T comment on it because she doesn't want to get your hopes up or acknowledge you in respect to your R together. She's probably filed away the card somewhere.

Carry on, my dear. smile

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I appreciate all of the wisdom from the three of you :-)

I really have no clue what she did with the card... A short while back I did start the process of collecting all of the cards that I could find around the house that I have given her (so I could store them and not let her just throw them away) but have only been able to find cards from the past 2 - 3 years. I've given her SO many cards over the years -- I'm the kind of person who tends to give cards even for "just because" moments and I always write quite a bit in the card... For many years she commented on how much she loved reading my cards because my words were so thoughtful and insightful... But when I couldn't find any older cards I assumed that she'd just eventually tossed them at various points over the years. I couldn't see too much evidence of her being so sentimental that she would keep cards and letters -- unlike myself (I have collections of not only her cards but nearly everything given to me by my grandparents over the years).

This evening I was in our home office and I glanced under her desk and saw a box that hadn't been there the last time I looked... and when I opened it I was surprised to find all of those missing cards, letters, and a "Things I Love About You" book that I wrote in -- all stored in the box along with a ton of cards and letters from her grandparents (who are deceased)... I didn't have much time to look, but it appears to be all of the cards and stuff I gave her over our first 7-8 years together. I seriously thought all of those had been thrown away. This was quite a shock... I have NO clue where she's been storing all of these for all of these years... Of course, she could probably still decide to throw them all away, but my prayer now is that she will choose not to do that and that one day in the future she will take those cards out, read the words I wrote, and realize just how much I really did love her and how much she really did love me.

Aside from all of that... I'm chipping away at my to-do list and getting ready for the move that takes place in just over 2 weeks... Really feeling sad about leaving this house (our home), but looking forward to having the time and space I need to focus on me and the kids.

And -- work is still going great! :-)


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Spent a ton of money this weekend buying stuff for the house I am moving into... Less than two weeks left here. Feels very surreal -- somewhat sad but also looking forward to no longer having to deal with my MLC W on a daily basis.

Will be interesting to see how she tries to exert control over me once I am no longer in this house. Yesterday when I got home from shopping and gave her an update on what I purchased for the new house she acted frustrated about how long it was going to take for the living room set to arrive -- even to point of insisting that I go look at other stores today, pick out something else and cancel the first order! Ummmm... Which one of us is moving into the rental house? Me or her? She even brought it up again today to ask if I'd been able to find anything else today that would ship faster... Seriously?! Oh MLC, what a crazy little thing you are...

So while I do hate the idea of moving out of this home and exposing our kids to the rotation of living between both houses, I will not miss dealing with this person (or thing) who has possessed my W.

It is starting to hit me that I will only see my kids every other week -- and that is going to make me VERY sad -- as crazy as life is with three little kids, they are so precious to me and when we started our family I never dreamed this would happen to us... My W and I were both so committed to never breaking our family apart and I never saw the MLC bomb that was waiting to go off. But it was there... Just ticking away... And now we are here... In this big mess... :-(


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Had to laugh about the living room furniture. When I first moved into my new house after the divorce, I had a bed, a dining table, two beach chairs and a small tv lol. Since I had a lot of renovations to do (paint the whole interior, new carpet, new windows) I just lived like that for a few months....really very nice and zen, I enjoyed it!

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Will be living like that for a few weeks! Living room and dining room furniture won't ship right away... At least I will have a bedroom set for me and bedroom furniture for the kids by the time they start staying there.

W was all over the map with her mood this weekend... One minute friendly then the next minute either monstering or just not speaking to me at all. I really have no clue what she is mad about right now. I am out of the house in less than 2 weeks and am doing my best to stay under the radar until then. The wishful thinking side of me wants to believe that OW is pulling away in some form or fashion which is affecting W's mood -- or that subconsciously W is beginning to be bothered by the thought of me moving out and away from her, but that is only wishful thinking... No signs or evidence to indicate that is happening... Who knows... Could all just be hormonal. What ever it is -- I am looking forward to not being around it on a daily basis once I move out.

Today I find myself thinking really happy thoughts about the new place and how I am going to do some of the decorating :-)


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Quick update... Have now been in the new place for over a week and it is wonderful... For the first time in months... perhaps even longer than I realized... I can think clearly... It's almost as if I've been in a fog (instead of W) and it does feel so much like a fog has lifted from my mind.

This is allowing me to think much more clearly about myself, my kids, life in general, and the sitch with W. Met her and OW for coffee yesterday morning and it was actually very pleasant. I feel so completely detached now -- nothing she did or said phased me and she seemed much more at ease and happy than she has in months. OW is very nice... very young and probably not fully aware of what she is getting involved in, but very nice, smart, and funny.

I love the new house -- it has SUCH great energy and I feel so comfortable and at home there. I am looking forward to the future -- no matter what it holds... My faith continues to grow stronger and I know that regardless of what the final outcome is, it will be whatever God's plan is for our lives. Feeling very peaceful with that even though it means that I have to live with more uncertainty about the future than I ever have in my entire life. Maybe that's part of this midlife process for the LBS -- to learn that the future is always uncertain regardless of what we think or try to plan. That doesn't mean we can't or shouldn't have hopes, dreams, and plans for the future -- but just need to be aware that anything and everything can change in an instant through no fault of our own.

So this is where I am now. I don't know exactly if we will ever come back together again as a family, but I am feeling so much at peace with everything that the uncertainty doesn't bother me or fill me with fear or sadness. Life is good...


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Jer - delighted to hear your update - you really are a class act and what an amazing example for your children.

Your wife is an idiot, but that is her problem, and will be for the rest of her life.

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I am so glad you posted an update. Wow! You have moved into your own home and it's wonderful! That's fantastic! Yep, you will see more clearly as you move along the path because you aren't directly in the eye of the storm each and every day. You will find your home is quiet and peaceful for all who enter.

You've been a very classy lady in all of this. Your wife is an utter fool.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Jer, I was so pleased to read your update. I'm new to the MLC part of the forum, but have posted in infidelity for a while. It truly sounds like you have come a long way in recent months. Particularly in terms of forgiveness, and being able to meet the AP and feel so detached. That's such an achievement.

I'm so pleased you are settling into your new place. I moved out of our MH at BD and lived with my parents for almost 5 months. I was so excited to get a place of my own again, and I really enjoyed doing things to it without reference to anyone else. It must feel great to be at peace more, and in your own environment.

I was interested to read about the card. When I visited our MH recently, H had cleared his desk of papers. It had been overflowing, and was completely clear. He had kept something we did together just before BD, and it really surprised me that he hadn't tossed it. I think it is part of that push/pull of MLC. One the one hand, they want to boot you right out of their life. Yet on another, there is a pull back towards what has been lost.

Best wishes to you going forwards!

T xx

Last edited by Toots; 06/13/15 04:27 PM.

T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Another quick update...

Continuing to settle in to the new place. Love it here...

We have started our rotation schedule with the kids and this is taking a lot of adjustment... Not sure if their behaviors are because of the adjustment, because of way too much time with grandparents in June, because of some homesickness, or combination of all of the above -- probably a big combination... But I have noticed that the longer they are around me (or around exW) the better the behavior becomes. In other words, right when I get them from their grandmother the behavior is off the wall but after a few days they settle down a bit -- especially after we've had some time to do some one-on-one time and talk to one another... Behavior is not quite so off the wall when I get them directly from exW.

ExW seems to be communicating with me much better. Not as friendly as I hope we will eventually become, but so much better than before I moved out. OW is very much still in the picture and I am certain that the wedding plans are still on.

Have recently had some interesting conversations with various friends and family members -- and all say they are still on "Team Jer" and that they have told my exW this. I know that will probably slow down the process of exW and I developing a friendly relationship because I am sure she is not happy that they are on my side in all of this... But it is what it is, and all of it is a result of her MLC and the choices she made as a result.

As for me -- new job still going incredibly great! Also getting out now with various friends on the weekends when I don't have the kids... and getting asked out by a few different people as the word spreads that I am single again (the news didn't really break among the wider circle of friends and acquaintances until I moved out)... So I am taking people up on the dates, but making it very clear that I am not looking for anything serious right now and just looking to get out and have fun with friends... But remaining open to getting to know people better and being completely honest about what I am going through in terms of processing everything that has happened over the past year - year and a half. Even got an invite to church with a guy that I work with - no worries, he's straight and knows that I'm not, so even though he is also recently divorced the invitation was strictly on the friendship level and I am taking him up on the invite this weekend. For the most part, all of this is a lot of fun and it helps that the people who have asked me out recently completely understand where I am with everything and are okay with just hanging out as friends and enjoying each other's company at that level. But I must admit that it is nice to see the level of interest once the news started to spread -- especially from people who do already know me... It means that regardless of the spew that came from exW over the past several months, I am not the horrible person she has made me out to be and a lot of other people recognize that and find me attractive on many different levels (not just physically). This has been an ego-boost that I didn't even know I needed until it started to happen (when the date invites started to happen).

I am off work today and get to spend the day with the kiddos -- so time for me to log off and get in some valuable quality time with them.

Life is good...


Me 48, Her 50
(Same-Sex Couple)
3 Children
Together: 9.5 years before BD
BD: Week of 10/27/14
ExW started EA w OW 9/2014
ExW married OW 12/2015
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Updates...

Rotation schedule continues and the kids seem to be adjusting better now that we are in a routine. They still makes comments occasionally about being sad about the breakup, and I encourage them to share their thoughts and feelings... Trying very hard to let them voice what they are thinking and feeling as they try to process all of this for themselves.

Communication between exW and me continues to get better. Almost friendly -- and much better than earlier in the summer. OW and marriage plans still in the picture, so there is nothing about this better communication that makes me think she's waking up... That is so far down the road -- if it ever happens -- and I really don't know where I will be when that happens... For now, and especially for the kids' sake, I am just grateful for the more friendly tone between the two of us. Have had some "business" talks recently that went really well also -- things like sharing/splitting the expenses for the kids and managing the rotation schedule with flexibility and understanding when things come up.

My outings with friends continue -- even when I have the kids I am able to schedule things with other single friends who have their kids at the same time so we all have fun together. However, last night I was supposed to go to dinner with someone I used to date (who is now interested in me and has revealed that she knew it was a mistake to breakup with me when she did but she was just in a weird place then and couldn't handle the thought of a relationship...), and early in the day it just didn't feel right (even though we've already been out together for dinner a couple of times over the past month) so I backed out. Felt so much better after I backed out of it... Not sure I understand completely what or why I felt that way about the date and about backing out of it -- still trying to process that for myself... I don't think it's a simple as "not ready to date" because I do feel I am ready to explore possibilities if any arise... but something was/is going on that made me back out and feel good about it... (And yes, I did have a strong spiritual sense that backing out of the date was part of God directing my steps to keep me on whatever path He has for me at this time)... And then, for the first time in MONTHS, I slept in REALLY late for no reason at all (went to bed early too)... When I finally did get out of bed I had breakfast then went to the gym, then came home and cleaned house for the rest of the day... Not sure what is going on with me right now... Aside from dealing with an MLCer/exW and coping with our broken home, everything else in life seems to be going really well -- job is great, finances are great, staying connected spiritually, doing things with friends as often as I want (which means when I want/need alone time I get it, but no shortage of folks to do stuff with every evening if I feel like getting out of the house for some healthy socializing)... I guess this is just all part of the process for me and I just need to "go with the flow" and continue to trust that God is directing my steps toward whatever He has planned next for me...


Me 48, Her 50
(Same-Sex Couple)
3 Children
Together: 9.5 years before BD
BD: Week of 10/27/14
ExW started EA w OW 9/2014
ExW married OW 12/2015
Joined: Jul 2016
Posts: 443
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any updates? been almost a year, curious to hear what's going on.


Me(W): 29 EXW: 30
T: 6 M: 2
SD: 10
BD: 04/2016
PS: 04/2016
W officially "seeing" someone 09/2016
W filed 03/2017
Officially Divorced 11/2017
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Wow -- so much has happened in the past year...

I'll just give a quick update here and then take some time this evening to post more in detail... I have missed this forum and the reflective space it provides during this crazy journey.

ExW is still deep in replay and "happy" as far as I can tell. I don't live with her anymore so all I can observe now is the mask she wears in public. OW moved to this country last year and they got married right before Christmas. Didn't bother me as much as I thought it would -- possibly because 1. I know it is part of replay and 2. I continue to detach more and more as time goes on.

My job continues to go well and I am actively seeking promotion opportunities. Fingers crossed! I am also launching a new business on the side that will provide some additional income. I have managed to stay in good shape physically (staying healthy, working out), and several months ago my doc agreed to that it was time to get off of the AD and anti-anxiety meds... I still have one anti-anxiety med that I can take occasionally as needed and find that there are a few days per month where something will trigger some anxiety and I will use the med. I am also back in therapy though to continue with my process and to manage the lingering anxiety. I also continue to develop my relationship with God and am enjoying the peace that comes from an evolving spiritual journey.

The kids are now used to the living situation with their now "expanded" family. It still breaks my heart that this is the reality for them, but have used this past year to grow in my skills as a parent.

My exW and I get along very well. I haven't seen "monster" in months. However, very recently -- just last week -- she unfriended me and my family from Facebook. I have no clue why she did this. My initial reaction was one of anger quickly followed by grief (she does post pics of the kids and I will miss this), but I recovered quickly and realized that I didn't need to know why she chose to do this now after all of this time and especially since we all seem to be getting along so well. The reason why is anyone's guess since she is in MLC replay mode.

I have been dating someone for the past several months, but I don't expect it to last. Will go into greater detail later, but I am realizing that I need a lot more time on my own to sort through "me" and to continue my process/journey. I wasn't looking for anyone to start dating when this happened -- just reconnected with an old friend and one thing led to another. It was fun initially and certainly made me feel nice (wanted, appreciated, etc), but overall I don't think this is what I want or need right now.

I'll stop here for now... But will definitely work to expand on all of this later on this thread. There is a lot more to explain and to reflect on -- and all of it is relevant to the LBS journey.

Overall though -- I am doing well and moving forward on the path to healing and wholeness :-)


Me 48, Her 50
(Same-Sex Couple)
3 Children
Together: 9.5 years before BD
BD: Week of 10/27/14
ExW started EA w OW 9/2014
ExW married OW 12/2015
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 334
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It is now almost 2 years since bomb drop...

2 years ago today I was happy... Our family was happy and together... And even though my W seemed stressed and sometimes zoned out, she still expressed love for me and seemed like she was still invested in "us"... Life seemed good...

I had no idea that the MLC hurricane was about to hit our lives full force in just a couple of months...

22 months ago my world turned upside down and became insane...

22 months ago my dreams were shattered... I was shattered

12 months ago I was just a few months into a new life on my own as a single parent (sharing custody 50/50)... But I was still broken...

Today I am better... Still a bit broken but continually healing as I continue to process and understand what happened, who I am, what I need, and what I need to do to help my children have the best possible life inspite of what this MLC has done to us.

My exW is definitely still in reply and, as far as I can tell, nowhere near ready to see the damage caused... She is no longer a spewing monster, but she still has so incredibly far to go (if she ever chooses to move forward out of where she is right now)... But that's not my concern anymore.

I also know without a doubt that this was supposed to happen... It has been painful and so difficult, but I am proud of who I am becoming as a result of everything that I have gone through and that I continue to go through on this journey.


Me 48, Her 50
(Same-Sex Couple)
3 Children
Together: 9.5 years before BD
BD: Week of 10/27/14
ExW started EA w OW 9/2014
ExW married OW 12/2015
Joined: Jan 2015
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I'm tired of my MLCer exW getting so much attention so here's a bulleted list all about me :-)

-- My job continues to go great. Have done a lot here in the past 15+ months including lots of networking and getting my name out there to let friends/colleagues know that I am interested in moving into a leadership position in an area more closely aligned with my expertise. It will happen!

-- Launching a new business on the side that should bring in some additional income. Should be launching in the next couple of weeks! Lots of hard work getting this moving, but will be worth it... In the process I was happy/proud to see how easy it was for me to open business accounts and a line of credit to get started. Very positive signs that I am on the right track...

-- Managed -- with my mom -- to take the kids on a very fun week-long vacation to the Rocky Mountains a few weeks ago. It was a wonderful trip and we made some amazing memories.

-- Doing really well financially -- have opened a new retirement account (through work), in the process of opening 529s for the kids (in my name), and have also had conversation with mortgage broker that made me feel much better about my current financial picture and ability to buy a home next spring.

-- Having fun with my kids when I have them during my weeks. Life is busy and hectic, but I feel very close to them and feel strongly that we will all continue to survive this experience.

-- I am dating someone, but will go into detail later about why it probably isn't something long-term. However, it hasn't been time wasted -- the experience has been fun but also has helped open my eyes about some things about myself and how the MLC has affected me (not all bad either)... I wasn't actively seeking anyone to date when this started, so I do believe it happened for a reason.

-- Feeling happy, peaceful (most of the time), and very optimistic about the future.


Me 48, Her 50
(Same-Sex Couple)
3 Children
Together: 9.5 years before BD
BD: Week of 10/27/14
ExW started EA w OW 9/2014
ExW married OW 12/2015
Joined: Jan 2006
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Jer,

THAT is GREAT! Yes too much focus on she who shall not be mentioned.



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

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Originally Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans
Jer,
...she who shall not be mentioned.


That did make me laugh out loud :-)


Me 48, Her 50
(Same-Sex Couple)
3 Children
Together: 9.5 years before BD
BD: Week of 10/27/14
ExW started EA w OW 9/2014
ExW married OW 12/2015
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 334
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Can't make this stuff up...

Soccer for all three kids today... ExW shows up wearing an "I'm not adult inch today" tshirt... Perfect


Me 48, Her 50
(Same-Sex Couple)
3 Children
Together: 9.5 years before BD
BD: Week of 10/27/14
ExW started EA w OW 9/2014
ExW married OW 12/2015
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 334
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Typo in last post...

Can't make this stuff up....

ExW shows up at kids' soccer games today wearing a tshirt that read "I'm not adulting today."

Absolutely perfect... Hasn't been adulting for almost two years now...


Me 48, Her 50
(Same-Sex Couple)
3 Children
Together: 9.5 years before BD
BD: Week of 10/27/14
ExW started EA w OW 9/2014
ExW married OW 12/2015
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 334
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Feeling horrible today...

Yesterday/last night my GF and I had the talk about splitting up. I absolutely know it's the right thing to do, but it does hurt for a variety of reasons. She is a wonderful person in so many ways, but this isn't what I need in my life right now and because of where I am mentally and emotionally I am unable to give her everything she needs. The talk was sad but pleasant -- there was no screaming or negative energy... Both of us were calm and expressed our love and concern for each other. It was sad, but in my heart I can feel so much pressure disappearing now that we are on the process of ending this, and that -- so far -- it is happening without all of the ugliness that can happen.

So today I am feels my sad and a bit disappointed in myself because I am busting someone else. I know everything will be okay in time, but it [censored] right now.


Me 48, Her 50
(Same-Sex Couple)
3 Children
Together: 9.5 years before BD
BD: Week of 10/27/14
ExW started EA w OW 9/2014
ExW married OW 12/2015
Joined: Jan 2000
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New Thread:

Still in the Storm


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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