Thanks for checking on me! Doing ok... Has been a very busy week -- my new job is great and definitely not boring... Can't go into detail, but actively involved with investigating stuff that is pretty high profile across our district and city.
At home... Not much new -- W still in orbit, not speaking to me very much, OW still in picture, and I am actively looking for a rental that is as ideal as possible that I can move into as soon as possible. We are telling the kids this weekend (mixed feelings about doing this, but can't stall W any longer on this), so I do ask for lots of prayer around that -- specifically that God will surround our children with lots of love, peace, and guardian angels as we tell them that we are splitting up and that I am moving to a new home. I hate that this has to be done, but perhaps dealing with their reaction to the news will be one part of the process that may eventually start some sort of awakening in my W... Not expecting that to be immediate, but thinking perhaps it might be part of a long-term awakening process... Like one more jolt of reality that creates cracks in the fantasy if that makes any sense. Regardless of the impact on W, this is something that does need to be done -- I just wish we could wait a little longer.
Had a couple of breakdown moments earlier in the week where I pretty much screamed, cried, and yelled at God -- but feeling more peace over the past couple of days and back to a place of strength and faith that God is in control of this entire situation despite what the circumstances look like to me and everyone else. :-)
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
I am glad to hear that the new job is going really well for you and that you're enjoying it.
A word about informing the kids this weekend, you would want to be true and authentic with yourself. What I mean by that is that you do not have to go along with the charade of "we are parting amicably, friends...blah, blah." I think it would be real if you share with your kids that you love Mommy and are sad about this...would prefer that all stay together in the house.
The biggest emphasis you would want to make to the kids that both of you dearly love them and that this isn't their fault at all.
Don't let W railroad you and spin out her own narrative when talking with them.
Thanks for the advice Wonka -- pretty much in line with W's therapist who has conveyed the importance of being as honest as possible while being age-appropriate (kids are 5 and 7).
W has shared with me what she wants to say and I agree with most of it -- but disagree with saying that "our love for each other has changed" because my love for her hasn't changed (well, at least not in the same way that she thinks her love for me has changed -- I think you all understand what I mean)... And I am struggling with how to approach that when we do tell them. I like how you put it -- I think that is simple enough without going into details that they won't understand at their current age, but also true to what I do feel about the situation. W and I are not on great speaking terms right now which really concerns me because I would prefer that we be able to talk about this more before we do tell the kids -- hoping and praying that God can provide a small miracle in just breaking down the communication barrier long enough this weekend for us to have a very civil conversation about this before we tell the kids this weekend.
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
Jer - with MLCers you are d*amned if you do and if you don't as well. Wonka is right about being truthful. What your W thinks and feels changes from moment to moment, and in addition they forget a lot and then rewrite history as they go along - the rewriting history isn't just of the past of the marriage. It is on-going to do at least two things.
Make sense of what is going on to them
Put them in as good a light as possible.
This amicable split for instance: why do your feelings have to have changed to suit her emotional landscape? Because anything else would make her look bad. At least for now she isn't doing the 'I never loved you', nor, as my xh did telling the children that they were never wanted . . . . .(And now he wonders why they have a non-relationship)
I agree about keeping it as amicable as possible for the children, but the overwhelming odds are that you will be the main parent, and certainly the only reliable one, as long as she is in crisis.
So it is important that your children trust you 100%. They do not want or need two apparently confused adults in their lives.
Do not answer any of their tough questions for your wife. This is her circus. It will be difficult, it has to happen, and you will be OK. One fucntional parent is enough. Two is great, and a bonus in life!
Jer - with MLCers you are d*amned if you do and if you don't as well.
Boy have I learned that through all of this!!! I think that is the most important thing to understand with MLCers... I've reached a point where I do realize this, so I don't worry quite as much about decisions now -- because it doesn't matter what I decide or do, she will ALWAYS think it's the wrong thing while she is in this crisis.
Fairly low-key day today... we tell them tomorrow unless W has a miraculous change of heart overnight.
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
I will say a special prayer for you and your kids.
I agree with Wonka - don't sugar coat it for the kids, tell them the truth in an age appropriate way. Why cover for your WAW? Its just an attempt for her to shift the blame.
Thanks for the thoughts and the prayers. And yes, I think I am going to use the words that Wonka shared -- I think those words are very age-appropriate and very true to what I feel about all of this.
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
Well, that was easily one of the worst experiences of my entire life... All three started crying hysterically, asking why and not understanding why mommy and I can't just fix things... Horrible. I did use Wonka's words and tried very hard to make it clear that I do not want this. Which led to questions of why it is happening because if I don't want it then I can change it. Oh if only it were that simple.
Just spending time playing with them now and they are no longer crying or pouting -- which I am sure makes W think they are just fine. I know we are not done dealing with their feelings over this... Just praying that God continues to create consequences that she has do deal with over this. One observation -- she was completely expressionless while she was telling the kids. Once they started crying and asking questions she acted like none of it affected her... Not sure if it's because she is just that detached from her own emotions or if that was just her way of dealing with the pain we inflicted on our own children in that moment this morning. Who knows what was going on in her head... In my heart and head I was falling apart while seeing their pain... Horrible experience.
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
