I do think there is a point you have to pull the rug out, separate living conditions at first gives them that freedom they think they need to feel happy, I can only speak with my MLC'r ... being alone terrifies her, and in your case OW can not be there .. W's OM was always busy and nor could he, so those thoughts take over and they slowly start processing .. with you out .. more time for her to really think, not good for her.
This is exactly the reason that I do want to move out eventually. It kills me to think of moving out and putting my kids through the "moving between two homes" routine, but I do believe that it's going to take that time and space of W being completely alone every other week for her to wake up and begin processing everything before she can realize what a huge mistake all of this is. And you are so correct -- OW will not be here in person and despite the texting and skype/phone calls, there will still be a lot of time left for my W to be left alone with her thoughts. She does tend to self-medicate with television, but I still think eventually even that won't be enough to keep the thoughts away.
My only concern with all of that is: when she does start processing and moves further into deeper depression, what happens during the weeks when she does have possession of the kids... I worry about their welfare in that situation. But I probably shouldn't worry about that... If I've learned anything in this sitch it's that God does have his hands on all of this and what I think will happen in the future probably won't happen so it's best to just focus on today and the things that I need to get accomplished today... tomorrow will take care of itself.
Originally Posted By: CaliGuy
I would not move a teacup till you have $$ AND you have found a place that you love, DO NOT SETTLE... you did not ask for this so do not allow her to shove you into a place you are not going to love ... DO NOT DO IT ... I did, not knowing W was in MLC, nor what to do ... I took a 1 bedroom in a house because in a month or two W would have come to her senses ... that was 1 1/2 years ago. I have JUST moved into a little place I like, its mine, and I am comfortable there ... you NEED that ok??
This is precisely why I got so stressed out yesterday over all of this... I panicked with the thought of having to find a place so quickly, without the money, while I'm starting a new job, and having to "settle" for something that just isn't appropriate or comfortable for my kids. Fortunately, she was very agreeable this morning and this has been taken care of for now... Not moving out until she gives me the full amount and that is at least a couple of months away. Plenty of time for me to adjust to the new job, save up money for the move, and take my time looking for places.
Originally Posted By: CaliGuy
All the other stuff ... yup .. Give it to God, keep on your path and everything will work out in its own way, you know that
Hang in there.
Amen! Giving all of it to God -- especially my W. I can't change her or fix her. I can only love her and pray for her while staying on my path, allowing God to work on me, and taking the steps I need to take to get my life together so that I am back to being the strong, independent woman that I was when my W and I first met and started dating. My kids (and I) need for me to do all of that... God is working on all of this and will work all of this out according to His Will. It definitely makes it easier to cope with a lot of this stuff to have that kind of faith within this crazy MLC storm in our lives.
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
Had an AWESOME first day on the new job!!!! So excited!
Oh, and W came home in a really rotten mood tonight... no clue why... Oh well... I'm sure she'll choose some fun point this weekend to explode or breakdown... After the great day that I had at work today, I'm just kind of in a "I'm so over this" mode with the MLC. Her rotten mood could be from a long list of different things, and it would be pointless for me to try to guess why or even care why at this point because there is nothing I can do to fix her or make her feel better about anything. Such a relief to be at a point where this doesn't bother me the way it would have in the past... Now I'm just over it... Adults don't behave this way.
Looking very forward to next week -- my first full week in the new position... This is really going to be such a great career move for me in so many ways. :-)
Invincible...
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
Hi Jer - I agree it is pointless to try and guess what is going on with a MLCer, but part of her rotten mood could be the changes in you. They like us to stay the same - someone safe to blame. When we get a life of our own it seems to unsettle and upset them.
Jer, I'm so glad your first day was awesome! Just wait, next week will be full of fun and adventures, as well as getting down to work. You'll make some new friends along the way and have more things to think about.
I do agree w/Bea. You can't figure the mlcer out and they do like for us to remain right where they left us. They do not like to see us happy. But, you know what? That's her problem not yours. You've got a lot to be proud of as well as happy.
Continue moving forward.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks for the support! I am definitely looking forward to all that this new job will provide for me professionally and personally :-)
What both of you said about my MLC W also crossed my mind, but then I thought that was pretty egotistical of me to think that her mood might be because of the happiness and success I am achieving in the midst of all of this. Her mood really could be caused by any number of things: OW flaking out and expressing more doubts & concerns over continuing the R, problems at work, anger that I'm still in the house, stress over her horrible financial situation, depression over her own mental state and everything in her life spiraling out of control, a combination of all of those things... And yes, perhaps lots of anger and envy that I seem to be doing so well despite the chaos that she has brought into my life. Realistically, it probably is a combination of all or most of those things... In her head she is probably thinking "Why is my life falling apart, but Jer's life seems to be improving? Not fair!" (The last statement said in her best 5-year old voice.)
Whatever the reason -- none of it is really my problem any more... (actually, never was my problem) Job - you are right -- I do have so much to be proud of -- not just this new career opportunity, but also the way that I've picked myself up and worked to improve myself in so many ways during this crisis, grown so much stronger than ever before, and rediscovered my faith and a very strong relationship with God while trying to keep life for the kids as drama-free as possible for the past 5 1/2 months. There is SO much to be proud of within all of that and I am proud of myself for what I've been able to do throughout this nightmare. I can either be a victim of circumstances or I can rise above my circumstances, live life to its fullest, thrive rather than simply survive, and be the best version of me possible. I choose to not be a victim. :-)
Onward and upward!
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
W has been in slight monster-mode all weekend... Finally confronted her about it (not afraid of monster anymore and have learned that letting her vent and release the anger takes monster away for a while), and wow! what spew came out of her today...
Fun times in MLC-land...
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
Jer, I'm sorry that you are experiencing the monster mode from your wife. The monster spewing isn't any fun and I my hat's off to you for confronting her about it. There is no reason for her to behave this way and you don't have to take that stuff from her.
Tomorrow is a new day and a full week of work for you. I'm sure you will be busy and finding many challenges in the days ahead, i.e., at work and at home. Stay calm and try to remember to step back for a bit if you have to make any major decisions.
Good luck this week!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
2nd day on the job went great! I really like this new job -- which is so new (no one has ever held this position before) that I have the opportunity to really shape what this role becomes within the department. How cool is that?!
W still in monster mode. For the record, according to her, I am the most selfish and laziest person in the world and EVERYTHING that is wrong with her life right now is ALL my fault. In fact, she hasn't said this to me yet, but if things are going south with OW then I am quite certain that she is going to blame all of that on me as well -- because I didn't get out of the house soon enough for her and OW to really pursue a R and figure out if it would work.
I know that none of that is true -- but it is what she believes right now and no one can convince her otherwise. Her own mother today told me not to believe a word of it and that in her opinion my W is making the biggest mistake of her life and destroying a perfectly good life with me.
So on to next steps... finding a new place to live that is suitable for a family and leaving W to self-destruct here on her own. Of course I will continue to pray unceasingly for her (and for "us"), but she needs the space and time on her own -- and I need to be away from her for my own sanity. Although, I really am doing great now -- monster no longer scares me and I don't feel as vulnerable now that I have a GREAT new job that will allow me to do much more than just "survive."
I believe I read someone else on another thread mention something about how horrible it must be inside of the MLCer's head and I can believe it. The pain that my W is suffering right now is written all over her face and in her body language. Even though I do think OW is still in the picture (but not sure for how much longer), it is very clear to me that my W is horribly miserable and completely unhappy. It really is sad to observe because I do love her and I do want her to be healthier and happier -- but that won't happen until she wakes up and begins to see reality (the way the rest of us see it) and begins to accept that the work that needs to be done is inside of her. Until then I am afraid she is just going to keep trying to latch on to the "next new thing" to try to self-medicate and make the pain go away temporarily. Really sad.
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
It is sad ... and its painful that the LBS can do little to help, they have to figure it out and by the time they do that they have to face the destruction caused by their actions.
You sound like you are doing amazing .. and Jer .. thats all you can really do ... you are in a good place .. stay there and build on the new you, its amazing to watch.
