Hire a lawyer ti protect your legal rights. If she wants to buy you our (if it comes to that) my suggestion is to let that be a court decision. That buys you a lot of time. If you just move out, you automatically forfit and give her the leverage.
Don't move out!!! She's the one having the affair not you!!
I get why you are being the MUCH bigger person by agreeing to move out but I suggest if you do move out that you use that as leverage for the entire settlement.
You and your W though not legally married were acting as a common law couple. The reason she was able to do so well financially and have 3 kids is in part because of your support as a W. You have contributed to her success - don't let that be cast aside.
I know how hurtful this is, stay strong & happy.
Enjoy your kids
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
Yeah -- none of this is easy. Everyone else's points about not moving out are valid, but me staying here is just not possible in my particular sitch. I may not be getting the house -- but I am getting other things out of this... And most importantly, yes, I am being the bigger/better person in all of this. It may be a VERY long time before my W recognizes that, but one day she will look back and realize what she did to me and to our kids and I know she will have regrets about it.
I can't go into details right now -- but I am beginning to see more cracks in her... like small bites of reality are starting to set in... and the more I think about what happened this morning, the more convinced I am that some of this is being prompted by pressure from OW -- and my gut instinct is telling me that there is more going on than I can observe and that OW's doubts/concerns/pressure has less to do with me and more to do with reality setting in for OW (again -- lots of issues on her end with this R that is still "secret" and not out in the open to her family and friends)... As for W, she appears to be back to being on the verge of a nervous breakdown (just minus monster this time)... I can't do anything about that -- I can only take care of myself and I'm trying my best to do that given the circumstances. At least I finally have a GREAT job which helps me take care of myself and the kids financially.
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
I would not move out until she hands you the check for your part of the house. If she can't do that until May or June, I would not move until then. Once you move out you have little leverage to make her pay you.If she wants it that badly she will come up with the money.
As for buying a new house, talk to a mortgage broker first. You will probably find that you have to jump through some hoops since you were self-employed and your income wasn't that great (they won't count your new income until you've been working there for a while).
Take your time and find an appropriate rental for now. Don't leave the house though without a check for your share.
I agree w/kml...no moving out until you have the check in your hand. Don't make this easy for her.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I can't stress this enough - DO NOT MOVE OUT. This is for your protection and for your kids potection, no matter what she says or does. The best way to take care of yourself and kids financially is NOT MOVE OUT.
She is having an affair, you can't trust anything she says or does. She is in crisis mode. She is not looking after your best interests or the children's best interests. She is looking after HER best interests that that does not include YOU.
Please be careful about this and protect yourself. You are the only one looking after you and your kids.
I am hearing all of you... and hearing the same thing from family members that I've spoken with today AND, of all people, my W's therapist! Please don't ask how I got the same advice from her therapist -- I can't reveal that information... But even the therapist is concerned about what is happening and the decisions she is making while she is in this crisis mode.
There are some other things going on as well that I can't go into right now -- but along the same lines: very poor decisions being made as a result of this crisis and the breakdown she is having this week (cycling again combined what we all believe to be pressure from the OW)... There may be some tough conversations tonight so please keep me in your prayers -- I need strength and for God to give me all of the right words to say in order to defend my stance on some things.
What doesn't kill me will only make me stronger...
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
Jer just caught up on you ... I do agree with ^^^^ on the moving out thing, however maybe for different reasons.
I do think there is a point you have to pull the rug out, separate living condidtions at first gives them that freedom they think they need to feel happy, I can only speak with my MLC'r ... being alone terrifies her, and in your case OW can not be there .. W's OM was always busy and nor could he, so those thoughts take over and they slowly start processing .. with you out .. more time for her to really think, not good for her.
I would not move a teacup till you have $$ AND you have found a place that you love, DO NOT SETTLE... you did not ask for this so do not allow her to shove you into a place you are not going to love ... DO NOT DO IT ... I did, not knowing W was in MLC, nor what to do ... I took a 1 bedroom in a house because in a month or two W would have come to her senses ... that was 1 1/2 years ago. I have JUST moved into a little place I like, its mine, and I am comfortable there ... you NEED that ok??
All the other stuff ... yup .. Give it to God, keep on your path and everything will work out in its own way, you know that
Trust me -- I am focusing on myself and trying to take care of me and the kids. The focus on W this week is simply because of this new turn of events -- which, I suspect as I have stated, is because of pressure from OW.
My mom did call me late last night out of concern for me -- she'd just gotten off of an hour-long phone call with W's mom who called my mom to express her concerns about my emotional state last night. In a nutshell, W's mom expressed concern for me and stressed to my mom that everyone in the family (W's family) is on my side in all of this and that everyone thinks W is making a colossal mistake -- several colossal mistakes -- in her life right now as a result of this MLC.
New developments -- I am not moving out of the house until W can give me the full amount she owes me for my share of the house. That is going to take a couple of months at least -- but she has agreed to that. There are a few other things that she has also agreed to as of this morning as a result of me sharing a number of my concerns with her very early this morning. It was another tear-filled discussion and it was clear when she left for work this morning that she had continued crying after I left to take the kids to school -- I could see it all over her face when she came in the office to tell me goodbye. She even asked if I was feeling any better after our talk this morning -- and her asking me how I feel is a change from her attitude over the past several months.
I think it helped that I stressed the importance of me being in the right frame of mind for my first day of work at my new job tomorrow. I know she doesn't want me to underperform due to stress and end up losing the job -- so right at this moment in time she is willing to "give in" on a few things to reduce my stress level for at least my first couple of weeks in the new position. And again -- that is also a change -- just a few months ago she wouldn't have cared about my feelings or my stress level... But I also think this concern is driven by her need for me to be fully employed so I can move out. So while it's nice to see and feel the concern, I know that it's still coming from a place of selfishness.
But it is a change...
Today is a day filled with errands and some rest... Need to be ready to be a rockstar tomorrow at my new job :-)
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
