Tooting Marvellous!

[rd500]

Hi Toots. Pole dancing , comes on !!!! Wine and women was a great picture but now !!!!! Excellent Well done ! What's next ?

On the H front , I completely understand , you have given H every chance but does there have to be a certain day you say enough. I would think Toots
Could continue to live her full life but maybe introduce a small bit of dating or male company ? Just my thoughts Toots. You are fantastic , if I wasn't already seeing Pink !!!!!!

Take care. Rd. xx

[gan]

Feeling a bit Bleugh about H at the moment, and not that positive about our sitch. Not that down in myself, but not optimistic about 'us.' Logically I know anything can and does happen, but it's not always easy to stay positive about what 'is' happening.

This. Exactly this. Toots. So hard to stay positive when there is so little contact.

I see you are thinking about filing yourself. What would that achieve? Would that signal the end to you? How would that align with your previous message that "D is not what you want"?

If I am reading things right, then your and my H will have difficulty filing as they won't want to be the ones who officially end it. We're eligible to file in a couple of weeks. I doubt my H will (but then I once doubted that he would leave me so....)

[Sotto]

Thanks guys. Yes Edz - I guess I'm just mulling over, and appreciate that no sudden moves is a good plan. Who knows what things may look like this time next month?

RD, I guess my motivations are more financial/practical than wanting to date. I just don't feel much desire to date right now. I think I'll be happier just being single for a while and enjoying new friendships.

Gan, we're in a similar place in lots of ways (apart from the A in my case.) I agree that our H's may not file. In the UK, my H would have to file on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour until July 2016, so that may put him off - or he may just be avoidant/wallowing/still medicating or distracting with OW or other dates - IDK.

I just feel we've reached an impasse on finance/housing:

He asked could we sell the house. I said yes, as long as it's part of a full financial S.
He said he didn't think we should fully separate finances unless as part of D process.
I said D isn't what I want, but I won't stand in his way if this is his choice.
Then all stops, and he needs to think - since mid March..

Now, I'm trundling along financially, and can surely cope (if I get this job) for a good while. But I'm not dealing with the fact that he continues to use our MH & city flat whilst I have to pay rent. All as a result of his infidelity. That's galling, but I could do it. I just don't want us to be in an unhealthy situation of avoiding dealing with stuff that should be sorted - like having a largely unused main home etc..

[edz]

just a thought toots could you rent it out?

[Vanilla]

How to get from here to there?

There are several options, sell, rent, use or leave empty.

The course you are on is a holding pattern, but if that is what you want and need then Toots it's ok!

Of course it is. H is an in the middle kind of guy.

I am so glad about the cat, 20 is a good age, Big G was 20, my little Khalua black was 24 and jasmin the white fluff was 19, whilst Thomas was 23. There is a lot of love in older cats and they want companionship, food and tons of sleep. I have no puss cats at moment but I may have another or a small dog. I know this will be great for Toots and a worry gone.

V

[Sotto]

Thanks Edz and V. Edz, I would consider renting. I haven't suggested that to H at this point. He has a negative thing about renting and I suspect he wouldn't want to...but I'll bear it in mind and see how things go.

You're right V. It doesn't matter all that much if the house stays emptyish for a short while - as long as things are looked after. I've decided to go up there on Monday and collect puss. I'm looking forward to having her here. I'm not really looking forward to visiting our MH. Last time I went, it was horrible. I had been erased, and I snooped and discovered text for email to OW professing love - which was horrible.

But, it has to be done. Quietish day today. I shopped this morning and volunteered at the bookstore this afternoon. Then a quiet evening in, watching period drama - my favourite - and H was always scathing about them. Sometimes it's nice to be able to do your own thing! My interview is confirmed for Thursday - so I'd better do a bit of work for that next week. Don't want to be caught out by any curve ball questions!

Have a nice evening all xx

[jim0987]

Evening Toots. So I catch up on your thread and there's pole dancing!!!!

The UK system for divorce is a bit odd in the whole two years thing but equally the advice I had was that ultimately the fault stuff doesnt make much difference. It may be that your H has decided he wants a D but he doesnt want to say Toots has behaved unreasinably - he would then be stuck until the 2 year point (although obviously he could always say something to you)

If im reading it right it seems like your ok with giving your H more time in terms of the M and not giving up completely on that but that your patience for the lopsided financial arrangements is wearing thin.

He asked could we sell the house. I said yes, as long as it's part of a full financial S.
He said he didn't think we should fully separate finances unless as part of D process.
I said D isn't what I want, but I won't stand in his way if this is his choice.
Then all stops, and he needs to think - since mid March..

Just a suggestion but could you force the financial issue again. with something along the lines of

'Dear H,

I'd like us to start working on a financial settlement so that I can get more settled where I am and buy a place of my own.

Could you let me know how you would like us to take this forward.

Thanks

Toots'


Its not talking about the divorce specifically and its much more in line with you saying you dont want a divorce (if you really wanted you could even say that again but i'm not sure thats needed). You never know it may prompt something one way or the other and if he still doesnt respond then you can take another step to be more active, and I suspect another non response will make you feel more comfortable with another step.

Aside from all that jazz you sound great as ever and Well done on getting an interview (although you knew you would) it will go brilliantly im sure

[Pink17]

Hi Toots,

It's a very difficult situation right now. So, it's about putting Toots first. There is nothing to think about your H. What he wants or does not want is not your problem. It's about what Toots wants.

You can always say that if he can't agree on selling the house, you are thinking about going back.

Toots, if you can afford to live well without the D, then wait a little longer, as you said, it will be a year in july.

I served the D papers because: 1. I can't survive with my pay alone. 2. I was afraid that H could put a lot of extra charges on our CC spending extra w/OW, I would be responsible for those charges as well. 3. We can separate our finances and I can move forward with my life without fear.

If you don't have any trouble waiting, then what is the rush, maybe it is just the feeling. I am in this kind of cycle too, time is going by and nothing really happen.

Remember that if he is some kind of MLC, it may take 1year or 1 and a half year.

The only thing is that you guys don't have much interaction. Is there any possible way to have some coincidence? Some way to test the waters and find out where he is at now?

Besides, you sound good. You seem to always have a good head on top of your neck and that is admirable. I hope you feel a little more at peace, but I totally understand since we are going through the same time line in our sitches.

Dance poll... That's one I never tried. I think it's a bit hard tough. Let's us know how that goes.

Love,
Pink

[Sotto]

Thanks for posting Jim and Pink - good to hear from you..

Jim, I quite like your idea on finance. I'll give that some thought. It would be a way of giving things a little prod - and I could see what happens. H can be quite avoidant, so he may well have his head stuck in the sand. I can either ignore that and carry on my own path - or press further. I just need to think about which I want to do.

Pink - thanks for your thoughts too. Our sitches are different, and I think the crucial thing is kids. I can be less cautious as there is only me to take into account. And if I get this job, I will be able to sustain renting in the longer term. Although the situation isn't very fair, it is possible, and if it helps to save our M, then that's what I may do.

As for prompting some contact? IDK. I certainly don't want contact to discuss our situation. But it could be possible for me to be 'in the city' for some reason and ask if he wanted to meet for a drink. TBH, I feel a bit scared. It has been so long. I know it might be helpful for him to see me. But how would I handle it? And I worry about what I might find out... I guess I would feel happier with us chatting by phone as a pre-cursor - but that seems harder to engineer, given our current sitch...

Dad has invited me to lunch today, and I'm off to aqua aerobics tonight. Then puss tomorrow. Have a good Sunday all xx

[edz]

Afternoon Toots

just checking in after a busy couple of days.

Fair point on renting, you certainly dont want to engineer some conflict on it of course. Maybe a house management service to handle all the rental kerfuffle and risk, I liked Jims post as well.

As to not wanting to meet face to face initially are you in electronic contact fb messenger, text, email etc where you could craft a possible invite along the lines of you'll be in the city on x day since you're arranging things for BAWFT and (other bits) would you like to grab a coffee and we can discuss how things are going. Leave it open and not close off what you can talk about?

I'd also advocate the "talking to the sofa" (and often baffled looking cat) option to work out what you want to discuss and how you feel about those things. It helps to not feel so awash with rogue feelings when you first start talking again or it did me anyway.

(((((Toots)))))

Have a great day and I hope you have some of this nice sunshine.