I'm glad you had a nice time at the bookstore. Is the course interesting?
So I always find myself picking out little phrases that people use and wondering 'why did they phrase it like that?' which then leads to another question. Usually im reading too much into but sometimes i think these are freudian slips
where i'm going with this is that you just said
Originally Posted By: Toots
I'm not yet ready to file for D because then he would just be free to M someone else
and your reasoning really jumped out at me. Could you elaborate on this a bit please?
You do seem to have a built yourself a really good life and your mum and dad have got to be really happy that you're so much closer.
Its good that you have a good relationship with SS and I agree with you (a common occurrance i know) that it must be disconcerting at least for him that you and his XW are friends/ly
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
Jim, thanks for asking. It may sound a bit weird I know. I mean we have been S for 9 months, and I have spent virtually no time in his company and hardly spoken to him. So clearly I can live my life without him...and pretty happily too - and I'm sure it would only get better.
I suppose (and I'm a bit ashamed to say) that if we remain M, he isn't actually free to M anyone else. That's the one thing he can't do while we remain M. I know we have no R now, but I still find the thought of him M someone else hard. Because if he is M to someone else, that's not something I believe we can come back from.
That's part of it. Another reason I don't file, is that I don't think I should give up on our M because the going got tough. I want to know in five years time that I did all that I could, and feel at peace with my part.
But also I feel that in order to file for D myself, I need to feel truly done, and be able to happily accept the fact that he may well go straight off and marry someone else..
Does that all make sense?
Last edited by Toots; 04/17/1508:42 PM.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
You do seem pretty happy in your life and it will get better, but in the ways that you want it to.
The reasoning of not wanting to be Divorced because you want to know you tried everything and stood for your M is good. Having that kind of peace i think is probably a good thing.
Definitely until you feel ready to accept it then i dont think it makes sense to file, particularly under the UK system, but thats just my personal opinion.
as for the 'so he cant marry' aspect thats just something to be cautious of as it drifts into the territory of trying to control him.
Again its only my own opinion but whether he wants to marry someone else I'm not sure matters in the scheme of things, because the marvellous Toots deserves someone who wants to be with you and wants to share in your life. If its short of that then it doesnt matter whether its a just short or a country mile short - You, Toots, deserve better.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
Agree 100% too that our Toots deserve better, much better after all the work she has been putting in to became a better person.
But this better for Toots may be her WAH. I have seen and hearing so many stories about folks that separate and after some time get back together, even folks that D and remarry.
In the love war, anything and everything is possible.
Michelle is indeed a genius... we do need to feel better about ourselves, so the books tells us to shake things a bit, change out hair, lose weight, start new hobbies, exercise and on and on. As we feel better we start smiling more, being more light spirited. As we go through this path we can see that if our S is not there, that it is not over, we can live a satisfying life. In the process of getting all this knowledge, we are developing ourselves into better individuals.
So we learn a lot of what to do and what not to do, we became more kind, gentle... we become someone only a fool would lose. So, in a way it is a win, win preposition.
Toots are you seeing an IC? If not, maybe you could get a few session only and try to get some of your issues worked out. I am not saying just the M issues. I remember you posted a few days ago about struggling with the "shame" that you don't even know why you feel so much this way.
At the end of the day, we all agree: "Toots deserve someone better"...
I don't know if it is good or bad, but I stopped blaming myself as much and start seeing the damage that is being done by my irresponsible H.
Hi Toots!
You have been such a huge help to me and so many others. I can tell you are a wonderful woman and I think that Pink's attitude is how you should try to view your situation. Of course, it is never easy for us to stop blaming ourselves, but I feel this one is on your H.
Sounds like you coud use another (((((Toots)))))
Please take care. We are thinking about you. I will say a prayer for you tonight.
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Jim, thanks for picking up on the 'so he can't marry again' theme. I agree it isn't a great way to be thinking. Much better to stick with the healthier reasons for standing for our M. The strength rather than fear reasons. RD and Bob, thanks for the vote of confidence. There's a definite theme there - I shouldn't undervalue myself and settle for second best.
I also agree that worrying about whether he would remarry again is a bit of a moot point. After all, the main thing is whether he is 100% into our Ror not in the longer term. If he isn't 100% in, it doesn't really matter what he chooses to do. I'll get there I know.
Pink, thanks for your suggestions. I can see you have picked up on the 'shame' comments. These are Brene Browns' words....and I can't say that I would have seen my life as marked by shame. But she describes us not feeling 'we are enough' as shame. And I do have that feeling sometimes. I got a bit 'serious' in our M - about being a good stepmum, wife, employee. I'd like to reconnect more with the 'free child' part of me, be more accepting of myself, and connect and have more fun with others. I'm going to listen to her two TED talks again, because they did resonate. Her book is also on the way.
As for IC, I did see someone from Sept-Jan, which was helpful. We got to the point where we were both pretty happy with how I was doing, and my outlook on life. But I certainly wouldn't rule out IC again. I'll give it some more thought....
I so appreciate you all posting to my ramblings...have a great weekend my lovely DB friends. And Pink - if you ever came to London, I personally would be 'tickled pink' and would be on the first train down with my 'welcome' bottle of champagne....I'm sure RD wouldn't be far behind on his bike!
xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Oh boy - Daring Greatly by Brene Brown arrived yesterday and I started reading it. I feel profoundly affected by this book, and stayed up reading until after midnight - couldn't put it down. I cried a lot and felt it is a book that I have needed to read my whole life.
She describes that when we take risks (eg: meeting new people) we feel uncertain and exposed - vulnerable. So, to fight those feelings, we strive to appear 'perfect.' Shame plays an important part in this. If we listen to the 'shaming' thoughts we all have, we start to believe that we are 'not good enough.' In fact, we may have been receiving messages that we are 'not good enough' - both from ourselves, and maybe from others - for a long time. And we start to believe them. And so we hide parts of our true selves that we feel are 'not good enough.'
She challenges the myth that feeling vulnerable is a weakness - it is in fact a strength. For when we shut ourselves off from revealing our true selves, we grow distanced from the things that bring purpose and meaning to our lives - true connection with others, for example. She invites us to be courageous - to show up and let our (true) selves 'be seen' - even when there are no guarantees. Gosh, crying again now - what's going on??
I am still only part way through, but I think this is an important book for me - one of life's anxiety prone, people-pleasers with perfectionist tendencies. I'll post more about what the book is telling me, and what I am going to do with it - but for now, I'm just reading, absorbing...(and crying a lot!) Feeling quite raw, but somewhat cleansed too. Underdog - if you are reading this. I'm so grateful to have found Brene Brown, and am interested to know how her work has changed your approach and perspective - or anyone else who has read her books/seen her TED talks.
GAL at the charity bookstore yesterday for me, and languishing in bed with the ipad at the moment. I'm cooking lunch for the parents today and catching up on washing at the 'launderette of Mum and Dad.' Aqua aerobics tonight for me. Have a good day all xx
Last edited by Toots; 04/19/1508:44 AM.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Its one of the better books I've read and I this thought her TED talks were good. I took a few really good points from it all and there's a lot of crossover with NMMNG.
What I took away is the subject of a much longer post buy long story short my avoidance of direct conflict is a symptom of the shame I carry for not believing im good enough.
Glad the book means something to you.
Have a great day
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
