Tooting Marvellous!

[twinmom]

Toots, I have this mental image of a absolutely stunning, drop dead gorgeous woman when I think of you. Not flashy, trendy type of beautiful but classic, formal, almost royal type.

My kids went back to school today, as last week was spring breakand my almost 9 year old was SO excited thinking about post cards waiting for him.

The more I think about it the more I think your H was REALLY trying to show you he was thinking about you when doing crafts with the family.....

[alpha99]

I got that impression too about the craft activities.

[Sotto]

Thanks Guys. Yes, interesting about the crafts. He told me that our little niece had taught him to knit, and he could even purl stitch. It was always me that spent time with our two little nieces doing craft stuff - I love doing crafts with kids! Thanks Twin and Alpha too. It seems the consensus is he was thinking of me or trying to connect or similar. I shouldn't have taken it as insensitive.

Edz, I think we see things in similar ways. At some point I will feel ready to move on. But for now I'm sticking with it. I'm okay doing that. It doesn't cause me great hardship. I think the big thing for me is to keep the 'forward' button pressed in most of my life. If there's a little part waiting to see what unfolds in terms of our M - that's okay with me.

Twin - well what can I say? Kate Middleton has nothing on me....I would describe myself as reasonably attractive - but 'stunning' may take a few hours and a team of experts I hope the postcards have arrived safely and your S is pleased...

I smiled at a lady in Mum's day care centre recently. And she said to me 'You're beautiful, you are.' I went home feeling pleased about that. Next time I saw her, she said to me - 'you're a nice man.'

Been working from home this morning. And I'm volunteering in a bit, so must dash. Need to do a food shop later for SS and his Mum coming on Wed. I'm working away tomorrow, so that will be a long day.

Thanks so much for posting xx

[Pink17]

Hi sister,

All your words are a fountain of hope and power. This is a girl that knows what she wants and don't mind the hard work.

Many times I had a thought of taking the easy road and giving up and there was Toots in my mind, saying... keep making you life better and hang in there for your M until you tried it all and is OK to let go.

Yesterday, my H told me that one of our friends that got divorced almost three years ago, is trying to get back with his XW. She cheated on him, left him broken heart. He went through an ordeal of pain but got himself a life.

Now, after almost three years, she is back in his life and they agreed to go into MC to see if they can rescue their R, or built a new one.

I also found out that an older couple I know for a few years, remarried a couple of months ago. Their children were all grown up, the couple got divorced, sold their houses and after 4 years they decided to start dating and then got married again.

So, life is weird, complicated. We never know what will happen tomorrow, we can just stick to our guts and be honest to what we want at the moment.

You are doing the right thing. I know in my heart that if a new situation presents itself that you will think about, if it is with H or not, there will be consideration. I know there is a lot of pain, but you are digesting it all and turning it into energy.

Keep doing what is right for you Toots, knowing what we want is power. You sure are not giving any power to your H, your life is only yours and he is not telling what decision to take next.

We love you very, very much and wish you happiness. You are beautiful. You are gorgeous.

Love,
Pink

[gan]

In short Toots, keep going you're doing well. You've had some contact and I too am in that 9 monthers club (we really should have t-shirts).

Nu-uh, T-shirts were for 6 monthers. 9 monthers earn a vest/gilet depending on where they are from! It's a sweater/jumper for 12 monthers.

[Vanilla]

Gan

A spew jacket beyond that?

V

[Sotto]

I didn't receive my 6 month T-shirt in the post....should I complain?

A busy day for me today. On the road early and worked all day. In and out of meetings. I have a lovely drive to work and it was a gorgeous spring day here. Also, I work with old friends, so all in all a nice day.

Tomorrow, I have SS and his Mum coming down for a visit. We're going to have some lunch then go visit my parents (SS is very fond of them.) They are staying over and then going home the next day - should be nice.

All quiet on the H front - although he's back from the transatlantic family visit. Trying to just sit with that - although part of me wants to shake him and say - EMAIL ME!!! - it's a part I'm suppressing obviously. I guess detachment is very much a work in progress.

I've been reading on other threads how it is best not to even think of your WAH as your H. I get why, but I struggle with that. Even though I'm leading a pretty full and happy life without him, I still think of him as my H. But I accept the point. He has had a whole R with someone else in the past year.....so he may very well not see himself as my H at all. Am I just struggling to accept reality? IDK....

Hope you are all having a good day x

[DaddyLongShanks]

I didn't receive my 6 month T-shirt in the post....should I complain?

A busy day for me today. On the road early and worked all day. In and out of meetings. I have a lovely drive to work and it was a gorgeous spring day here. Also, I work with old friends, so all in all a nice day.

It's great you can remain positive and find reasons to be positive given your circumstances. When these affairs are new, it's very hard not to focus on it due to the pain and become drawn into it and spend all your time worrying about it.

Tomorrow, I have SS and his Mum coming down for a visit. We're going to have some lunch then go visit my parents (SS is very fond of them.) They are staying over and then going home the next day - should be nice.

All quiet on the H front - although he's back from the transatlantic family visit. Trying to just sit with that - although part of me wants to shake him and say - EMAIL ME!!! - it's a part I'm suppressing obviously. I guess detachment is very much a work in progress.

Sounds good. I will explain why in a bit it is nearly impossible to communicate and get responsibility out of a wayward...

I've been reading on other threads how it is best not to even think of your WAH as your H. I get why, but I struggle with that. Even though I'm leading a pretty full and happy life without him, I still think of him as my H. But I accept the point. He has had a whole R with someone else in the past year.....so he may very well not see himself as my H at all. Am I just struggling to accept reality? IDK....

Hope you are all having a good day x

It's easiest to look at the wayward as it's not your spouse anymore. What if they were "just" a boyfriend or girlfriend. You guys had been responsible to each other for years, and they run off. Get another girlfriend or boyfriend. They fall back on you when things get going rought with the new one or for you to do some favours for them, or to make them feel good about themselves.

However when they have run off to the other, they have left you and you aren't really with them anymore nor should you coddle or make it easy to them, tell them to get that from their new relationship partner.

They are hard to communicate with, because they are usually getting a high level of involvement and commmittement from a left behind spouse, yet they are hardly giving anything of themselves down to almost zero commitment and care...

So they have no reason to be good and reliable to you, because they don't have to. The left behind will love them anyway.

So yes, after some time period, I think it helps best with attachment to take them out of the W or H role. They are not performing their job and are fired.

[alpha99]

Hi toots,

Where emotions are involved it is very difficult to put into practice what we understand in theory. You seem to do this better than most. Whether your H sees himself as such right now is not so important, however hard that is to really 'get'. Try not to think about it. Take a look at your life now. It would seem from here that you are leading a more fulfilling life in many respects than you were before all this started for you. That is personal development. You should be proud of yourself.

I know, I know...deep down all comments and praise are nice but you want your H back. I share your pain. You know more than me of course that your attitude and behaviour are in line with doing everything you can to bring that sitch to pass.

Should your H decide to work on things he will surely be in for a pleasant surprise with the amount of change you have undergone. Should he not want to work on things, that is his loss and ultimately your gain for FUTURE HAPPINESS.

[jim0987]

I'm sure we agreed a T-shirt, vest, gilet schedule some time ago..... Whatever it is you've earned it Toots.

Your H will reply when he gets round to it, which I know isn't great for you but as much as he may just not be giving it any thought he may equally be endlessly rewriting a letter to get the words 'just right'

Best give it and him as little thought as possible and focus on the marvellous Toots.

Personally I found the point when I fully recognised and accepted my X isn't my wife but someone else's girlfriend really help my mindset improve. The only thing that mental shift affects is me and for me it helped.