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Zelda09 Offline OP
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V, I believe I am getting the better end of the deal. The furniture, I will eventually want to replace for obvious reasons, but I'm too practical to worry about it right now.

It's been hard not to send the response I wanted. To tell him that yes, it is clearly my heart was full of contempt and hatred, our words and actions show that. I no longer feel sorry for you husband.

Today, I am feeling grateful that I no longer am having trouble sleeping. That the grief I feel is not for wanting him back anymore. I am feeling my joy and humor return a bit more each day, and I am really saying how emotionally beat down I was. I know that my posts here don't reflect a lot of joy or humor, but I am laughing more. One of my best girlfriends told me last night how nice it was to see me she had missed for so long finally returning, that it was actually conversation between her and the other girls how different I had become with my husband.

It didn't hurt it last night the cable guy came over, and his 20s, very cute, and before he left told me that he would like to come back and ask me out on a date some day. And my new friend that I'd given a lesson to, he seems to like me very much. He's been texting for no apparent reason. The world does not seem as bleak as I imagined, and Ira I am remembering who I am and how much I have to offer.

Now I just have to clean my house and start going after my life goals again. I didn't realize how completely depressed I was until a day ago when I felt just a little bit happy, randomly. I think it was first during separation last year that I felt a little bit of joy of living return. Husband came home soon after. And then I was all consumed in our relationship again.


Mid 30's
Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH
D 9/15; NC forever on

You can't DR your way out of abuse.



Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 755
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Zelda09 Offline OP
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Today was a mess. H sent me contact info for a paralegal he's hired to handle our stuff and told me what portion I'd have to pay, knowing full well this was not our agreement. He agreed I wouldn't pay a cent toward this.

And then he started twisting today. Text msgs where he pinged at me from different directions in no particular order every time I asserted I would not pay: told me not to get in my own way... he's not trying to hurt me... I legally have to pay this part... I never let him lead...he's tired of trying to explain my fears to me...and the more I stood strong, the more he deflected. Last text was, 'See, it still feels like we're married.'

On that one, I just called the woman and explained the situation; No Z, you don't have to pay any of this, legally, that's not true, let me call him - she called him, called me back and said he'd agreed to handle the fees, all of them. So I will go sign Monday.

You know what? He knew I wouldn't budge on that point and threw it in to stall and mess with me. Less than $100 he wanted me to pay. Had no problem agreeing to it when his own hire talked to him.

When I sent him an email stating that I'd heard from her he was paying and I was signing next week - he wrote back something like it was me who wants this divorce bc I don't feel safe around him.

I spelled it out, told him he still had room to turn this around if he wanted to finally work on himself instead of blame, and we could talk about things if he had the slightest inclination, but last I'd heard - he didn't want to be here, wanted to be in other beds and couldn't tell me that kind of violence wouldn't happen again to me. Hey, if he'd reconsidered those points, let me know. I'd finally realized I wanted to spend my life with someone who didn't make me feel like I was never good enough and played mind games with me and that's why I wasn't trying to chase him any longer, no interest in laying myself out like a doormat and going to therapy sessions where he kept telling them all the changes I needed to make to be a more gentle partner for him and not interested in himself. I was here and intended to hold my vows until we were legally divorced, despite his gray area interpretation. I told him thanks for all the free psychoanalysis he'd given me in the past, telling me what I really believed and how I was lying to myself - and offered my own about where I thought his rage and outbursts came from, what he was running from and really screaming at. How he knew exactly what he was doing when one hour after I told him I wanted kids and intended to stand for my marriage, he put his ring on.

I know some letters are better unsent, but man I feel better. Does it move me closer to a goal? NO. I no longer have a goal here, I don't care anymore. Let it be a swift D or let him figure out how to save his M. I don't care.

I see you, H. STBX. Let's get that fat lady singing, quit jerking me around. Z is no longer playing your poor me games and telling you how much she loves you and how we can work it out! Ball is in your court if you are messing with me to slow this down, you can do something about it, but it'll be you, this isn't going to be the same Z humoring your twists and turns and begging you to see my side bc I believe in love.

I no longer desire him and this is the most fantastic feeling ever. The present feelings of him are starting to merge into the past and it is feeling more and more cohesive. I've downgraded him from a Mr. Ripley to a guy that never moved out of adolescent stage and so learned to manipulate to get along.

There are no victims - I loved him and wanted to fix it all, I could get him to behave kindly and act rationally (tho I never could convince my father) and was happy to play games and endure so many completely unjust fights if I meant I got to feel his love, especially after he ripped me up. I didn't want to see how toxic this was, I wanted him at any cost because he was beautiful, could also tell me exactly what I wanted to hear, and when the sun was shining it was like I'd never been happier.

It was real to me, H. Maybe at times it was to you, too. But I got something outta my pain, and I'm going to be stronger now and this isn't the reality I want anymore.


Mid 30's
Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH
D 9/15; NC forever on

You can't DR your way out of abuse.



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I am so glad for you to be moving towards a happy Zelda!!! It is not what we thought when we got married, but just think of how wonderful lirwbcan be with a confident independent Zelda who can be with someone if she chooses, who will actually cherish her and treat her with respect. Pretty exciting times despite all of the $hit that has been swirling around you.


M - 40's
W - 30's
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Zelda09 Offline OP
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Thanks, Zephyr! I am definitely looking forward to having this done and resolved and truly in the past.


Mid 30's
Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH
D 9/15; NC forever on

You can't DR your way out of abuse.



Joined: Oct 2014
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Zelda09 - Your resident Simon Cowell here!

Stop engaging your H. It's his game. You think you're getting something out of sharing your thoughts, but you're losing much more. You're giving him a hold on you. You're telling him what you care about, where he can hurt you. You secretly want him to validate your version. He will never do that. Every time you give him a line, you feed the beast. He's like an online troll. No, you're not sharing without a care for his response. You care very much and that's where he gets you. Try silence for a while. Try ignoring all of it. See how YOU take control back of the conversation. He will push your buttons, he's an artist at it. He says you want this D? Silence. He says you never loved him? Silence. He says you're badmouthing him to his friends? Silence. He wants to sleep around? Silence. Think of every scenario, every button he could push to prepare to respond with silence. Only business. Don't even tell him that you'll be stronger, etc. You've stated all of this already and now you're just hurting yourself by giving him a handle on you.

You're moving on and I see much more strength in you in the last few weeks. In fact, I really like the part where you say you no longer desire him. This is your future. Believe me, the desire we men feel for a WW in an A is just unbearable - we are wired to be very territorial, more so than women. Yet, I'm over it now and my desire is shifting to other women. Yours will too. Look at this cute cable guy (I admire his gall!) or the porn star. A man will sweep you off your feet. Maybe a fling. Maybe something serious right away. But your H will very soon be a memory and you will really not care what he does or thinks.


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
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Zelda09 Offline OP
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Hiya Mozza,

Thanks for stopping by. I did have the realization today, that I had to ask myself what the point of telling him all of this really was. Other than venting, or saying what had been on my mind for a while, did I really think he was going to come back and say you know what Z? You're right! I AM a complete and utter her ahole!

So we agree then. I need to go sign my papers on Monday and not say a word to him about anything ever again. When he comes to pick up the rest of his stuff, greet him like the neighbor four doors down let him load, and do not say a word. The day the divorce is final. Not a word.


Mid 30's
Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH
D 9/15; NC forever on

You can't DR your way out of abuse.



Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 755
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Zelda09 Offline OP
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Switching gears. I need to get my head focused again. Start putting some more work and on my side business. I'm start cleaning my house again. Working out more. I have done okay on the social GAL but I need to find myself discipline again. Besides that, I should really spend some more time figuring out what makes me happy. And start taking care of myself.


Mid 30's
Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH
D 9/15; NC forever on

You can't DR your way out of abuse.



Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 755
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Zelda09 Offline OP
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Oh wow. I just had the most wonderful phone call. A kid I used to coach told me he received a 200k scholarship for the rest of his science studies. Called to thank me for the influence I've had in his life, for believing in him, that hard work really does pay off. He was so excited, telling me what the lessons the sport taught him when he was fifteen, how his life started to change at those practices. How I was one of the first people he called tonight.

I matter.
I made a difference to this wonderful young man.

I matter, i hung up the phone and am crying thinking this. It has felt like anything but lately.

So there are other reasons to find joy and purpose, our lives reach beyond the marital home.


Mid 30's
Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH
D 9/15; NC forever on

You can't DR your way out of abuse.



Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,532
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Holy Molly! What a phone call! What a young gentleman too for taking the time. How many people get such a phone call in their life? You really do make a difference. This young man will still remember you when he'll be mature and old. Congratulations.

Seriously, you're showered with attention, desire and gratitude. Keep it in mind as you move on, as you figure out what makes you happy. On my thread, you'll see that I'm working on it too and having so much fun that I wouldn't even want my WW to come back before I'm done. Grant yourself permission. It's exhilarating.


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
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I would love you to record that conversation in a diary or gratitude book somewhere. To start yourself a compliments file.

I have an abuse diary, wouldn't it be great to have a gratitude one too. Going to do that right away myself, find a lovely notebook and start.

Inspirational

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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