Complex #7 - the green(-card) mile

[Starsky309]

Hey Complex

It will hurt for a very long time but you will get over it. You have come a long way since you found out.

You are a young man with obviously a lot to offer. There are no children involved so if you take the positives from your sitch, once your divorce is done you will be able to move on fully with your life. You will meet someone else and although you'll never forget what has happened the pain will disappear. You will have no reason to keep in contact unless you wanted to.

As far as the other stuff, its just WAW script, her friends will validate that what she has done is ok because, well, they're her friends and they will back her. People knowing about what she has done......my view.......not your problem.....she shouldn't have done it if she is somehow ashamed. You haven't nuclear outed her but you have sort support in your family. They/you are not obliged to keep her secret.

This ^^^^. All of this.


Starsky

[Complex]

Got it.
Very rough morning for me. Cried some more last night. Need to get it out of my system. Don't want to get out of bed. Besides all the positives, the pain sits deep after what happened yesterday. I know I'll lose W forever. There's no way I could ever be her friend. I love her from the bottom of my heart. Getting closer to divorce makes me pretty nervous.
Thanks for validating that even if her friends back her up, it does not make things right. Her argument is very hard to overcome tho: "We got married very fast", "I took a chance". Something she said really hurt me, "We wanted to be together so I thought 'let's just do it'". I mean seriously? You stand in front of 200 people and a priest and instead of saying "yes I do" you were like "Maybe it's too fast but let's just do it!"??? Like what the hell are you talking about??? This makes no sense. She seems completely blinded by her current feelings VS what truly awesome connection we once had. Pretty ridiculous.
Enough dwelling and grief! I had to vent some tho. I didn't in a long time. What am I gonna do?
First of all I need to get out of my damn bed. It's my birthday tomorrow too. I'm torn between my options what to do: go to a goodbye party of a mutual friend who's leaving to go to the east coast. W will be there and a lot of her supporting work friends. Awkward situation. But he's a good friend. I could also just meet with other friends. And I'm also invited to do something with that woman I had a couple dates with. Last option is most likely going to end in some sort of making out...there is some tension going on. Not sure what to think about it.

Weird how I can actually cry again and feel more depressed even tho I take AD's. Feels like they don't work as well anymore since a few days.
I just need a kick in the butt.

And thanks for the advice Ontheup. Felt good to read that.
I might opt for legal separation first, so we will both be able to keep our legal benefits, it'll make a huge difference financially. But I'll treat the LS like a D, so I won't get caught up in any more hope.
It's interesting how good of a conversation we had yesterday. It kind of keeps hope up a bit, which in this state isn't a good thing.

[Starsky309]

First of all I need to get out of my damn bed. It's my birthday tomorrow too. I'm torn between my options what to do: go to a goodbye party of a mutual friend who's leaving to go to the east coast. W will be there and a lot of her supporting work friends. Awkward situation. But he's a good friend. I could also just meet with other friends.

Happy Birthday a day early! I hope you have a really good one, all things considered, Complex. YOU DESERVE IT.

I think you should go to the party (after all, he's a good friend) . . . but then leave early. Make it a point to say you have somewhere else you have to be, and then go BE somewhere else (if that's your other friends or this other woman, I'll leave that part up to you, you're a big boy . . . wouldn't blame you either way). Look GREAT (buy something new, including NEW SHOES ... CHICKS NOTICE SHOES) and smell great (new cologne!). Don't hang with wife, but don't avoid her either, and when you DO interact with her be downright charming (more than just the "friendly neighbor" thing for this one occasion).

Then be like the VIP guest on Leno or Carson who used to have to leave early. The Most Interesting Man in the World.


Starsky

[Complex]

I like it!
What if I actually think that no matter what I do right now it's not going to change a slight bit of the outcome what W thinks about me? Is that too much of a pessimistic thinking? Healthy thinking? It'll for sure cause curiosity but she might as well just be happy for me and herself that I do my own thing.
By the way: how do you evaluate what W said yesterday, that I'm like the man again that she first met? This thing is kind of bugging me, just don't get it.

Still dust leave the house lol. But I will now!! Time for the gym, I'll work out really hard today!

[Starsky309]

I like it!
What if I actually think that no matter what I do right now it's not going to change a slight bit of the outcome what W thinks about me? Is that too much of a pessimistic thinking? Healthy thinking?

That depends. Do you think she has "done the work" on herself during this time? Is she in an emotionally healthy place where you can see yourself building a brand new, healthy marriage with her yet?

[Starsky309]

I validated some and kind of started crying myself
She felt bad, told me about all the great qualities I have, gave me a pretty sincere hug........
...........while writing this she came back out into the living room and cuddled against me, apologized and then we actually had one of the most sincere conversations in a very long time.

Not a bad thing. It hurt me a bit to see that we actually can have a deeper conversation and understanding for each other. But she's also still like "you'll be happy, you'll find someone", but compared to other times she said it with a very warm heart. Then she said "you're all healthy now, you are like the person that I met again" ...say what??? I just replied jokingly "yes, before I got married, lazy and fat, bc that's what ppl do right?" (I'm actually more skinny, and always was lol)
No reason for me to change anything. My feelings right now are out of my M. It's just a question of time. I'm pretty detached from it although it still hurts. I didn't cry in a long time.

I read this all as her just wanting to know that you'll be okay. She does care about you, and it's very much script for wayward spouses to "normalize" things, or at least TRY to. If they can rationalize and tell themselves "everything's going to be okay" -- esp. their betrayed spouse and any kids involved -- then they won't feel as guilty.

Starsky

[Complex]

She did some soul searching too for sure. Unfortunately in the wrong direction.
She's definitely more stable, little more open and nicer compared to a while ago.
I could see myself building a new R with her, yes. She tells me she doesn't love me anymore tho and there's a better match out there for both of us. Which for her seems ultimate and a deal breaker.
I recently really gave up reacting to her, I'm not even strategical much. I pretty much gave up doing anything for HER or our M. Feels like I let go, but it also feels ultimate.

Thank you Starsky! For helping and your bday wishes!

[Complex]

Plus she still seems to be in love with OM, although they are not talking. In her anger she told me something very hurting, which I told her after too that saying stuff like this is hurtingand she apologized afterwards. "I care about OM and I always will, I know him much longer than I know you".
I am mentioning this because this fact is unacceptable for me in a M. As long as she feels that way, there won't be a R, ever.

[25yearsmlc]

[quote=Complex]Well. I did see her again and it was very pleasant. It's not like that this is sustainable tho ...very obvious that woman wants to get down my pants......

Gee, good thing your wife does not know or she'd say YOU are having an affair, right? I mean, it's hypocritical. Look how you describe HER actions and how you ignore your own. Weird to me.

I get that you are lonely and it's great for the ego but you are HERE on a Divorce Busting site, complaining about your wife's emotional affair and equating it to what, what you are doing? Good grief.


Setback today: W coming home from her grandma and finally found out that my parents leaked that she had an affair. They seemed to have said it in a way though that it sounded it was a PA, ("She has a lover") which is was not. So she was obviously upset.

I tried not to argue, validate her feelings. But I also clearly stated that she DID have an A. EA, PA..doesn't matter. A is A.


2 points. 1) this is ^^ sheer hypocrisy on your part. Did you tell your wife or did you keep that to yourself? 2) do you think your condemnation helped your cause or hurt it?


She explained she still wants to get D.

no surprise there.


All the people she is talking to are like "things happen"...wtf. What morally degraded bs are we living in? Everyone just seems to validate her.
I just said "in my books it is not ok, that is not how this should work".


Considering that you are dating OW, how can you keep saying all this?

I mean, aren't You're doing more than she did? I mean she had feelings for OM but to your knowledge that was the extent of it (oh and she told you).

I get why you'd date but I don't get why you'd still complain about her FEELINGS for OM...

[Ontheup]

have a top birthday complex.
I'm inclined to agree with starsky I would see your mate then leave early