Complex #7 - the green(-card) mile

[Complex]

So I'm going on a 'date' tomorrow night. FYI I never 'dated' my whole life.
I thought a lot about it. And I don't want to do anything but enjoy myself. No background thoughts of any kind. And I told the OW the truth (no details) about my circumstances, let her decide and she's fine with it.
I'm still a little torn if this is right, but you know what. I just let my gut decide and I'll do what I feel like, be sincere, honest and authentic. It's for me. And Im not up to hurting anyone and will be cautious. I don't care what others think. But I still wanna hear it

[alpha99]

Hmm I have been thinking a lot about this recently for myself as I signed up to a dating site last night (just to browse/no picture). I am not writing this to criticise you Complex, just giving my thoughts.

I would not be dating at this point. Others may of course disagree. You live with your W. She will not see it as a casual hang out with someone should she find out, she will see it as you moving on. Maybe this will be a wake up call for her. Maybe it won't. Who knows? It may be the thing that tips her one way or the other. It is likely to inspire jealousy. I don't think getting your W back by her being jealous is a healthy thing, should she come back at all. I think ultimately jealousy would turn to anger and a more determined mind to follow through on things.

I think so long as you have a desire to sort out your marriage, testing the waters with someone else is not going to work in your favour. Sure, it may give you a confidence boost, and that's good in the short term for your self esteem, but I think that could also be gained by hanging out in a group, doing certain GAL activities, and plenty of other ways.

Having said all of that, ultimately it is your decision of course. I hope you have a good time and gain what you want from the experience

[Complex]

Thanks Alpha. Definitely a tricky question. I don't think there is a right or wrong answer.
I did have fun. It was actually a little awkward but it was a fun day.

To me it is also a step in moving on. Testing the water, gaining some experience, reflect on my feelings, figure out what I really truly want, see how my life could be. My goal is not to make W jealous. Just want to enjoy my own life. At no one else's cost!
I still want to treat W with the utmost of respect, understand her, etc. But I wouldn't mind if she sees I am moving on. I am not planning to slip into another relationship or anything. I'm not ready for that, not even close. I'm just slowly and cautiously starting to open other doors.
Doing what I did was a good experience overall. It really helped me personally.

But like I said. It's tricky to judge. It really depends on the how's and whys etc.

[Ontheup]

Hi complex

I gotta say from my point of view getting some female attention does wonders for your self esteem. Made me realise I'm worth more than the scraps the wife has handed me and that there are plenty of great attractive women out there.
Just be cautious.

[Complex]

Thanks for the validation.
It's just somewhat hypocritical in a way. But it's for me. And the benefits overweigh the negatives. Caution is key.
W was gone last night, went to a friend, which I believe her. I texted her this afternoon if she's alright because it's untypical for her to be gone that long. Her reaction was that she told me that I do not need to check in on her. Which kind of upset me bc I just wanted to check in if she's alive, that's all.
When she got home I told her it's nothing that we have to make s big deal out of. She told me she is very sensitive to that I want to know what she's doing and trying to control her. Which is stupid bc she texted me last night she'll be gone over night. I didn't even respond to her text AT ALL, and went on my date lol. Of which she has no idea of. But it seems like she is still assuming I'm trying to control her. Which in that case is so wrong.
I made my point clear and quick that not everything I do and think and worry about or not is about her and that she should please stop to assume that.
Then she instantly got friendly again and told me about her day. After coming into our place like a am raging bull lol. I took charge of the moment and I think did the right thing to calm her down and make a good point.
Oh well haha, she is still stuck in her thinking. Until she will eventually realize the steps I'm doing to move on and what kind of a person I've become.

[Ontheup]

Hey Complex

Dont text her. She chose not to be in the marriage any more so it is not your job to worry about her even though obviously i know you do. She will just see it as she did which is controlling and pursuit.
Glad your date went well

[Complex]

Ya I guess I should completely stop texting etc. Maybe I'll go dark on her for a bit. Good for me, good for her.
I'm truly glad I went on this date. It totally helped me to neutralize my feelings towards my situation. Of course I'm still sad about it but my detachment has never been greater. I'm still willing to work on my marriage if the opportunity would arise, BUT with a completely different mindset.
I took a risk going out and it feels like a great step towards moving on. There are absolutely NO signs of W that she has any regrets regarding her decision whatsoever. It's funny how I still believe that W is the best woman I've ever met in my life, but now it seems to be object of change. The world is big.
The OW is interested in meeting me again too...I don't feel like marrying her or anythinv but I enjoyed her presence, I told her I'm not ready for anything. It seems like she just wants to have 'fun' with me.....not so sure what to do.
My life got kind of interesting. It's kind of funny.

[Ontheup]

See her again if that's what you want to do. Not talking marriage I'm talking it's nice to feel attractive and have some female attention. Did/ does wonders for me. I guarantee you won't be thinking about your wife while your with her.

The world is big and if it's final with your wife then that's her loss. You're young and have a full life ahead of you. Never know what is going to happen. You might meet someone and spend the rest of your lives together. Who knows.

Glad thinks have improved for you. You posts are a 100 times more positive than they were a few months ago

[Complex]

Well. I did see her again and it was very pleasant. It's not like that this is sustainable tho ...very obvious that woman wants to get down my pants......

Setback today: W coming home from her grandma and finally found out that my parents leaked that she had an affair. They seemed to have said it in a way though that it sounded it was a PA, ("She has a lover") which is was not. So she was obviously upset.

I tried not to argue, validate her feelings. But I also clearly stated that she DID have an A. EA, PA..doesn't matter. A is A.
She explained she still wants to get D. All the people she is talking to are like "things happen"...wtf. What morally degraded bs are we living in? Everyone just seems to validate her.
I just said "in my books it is not ok, that is not how this should work".
She has the same arguments all the time: "you cheated on your ex too" - my standard reply: "I didn't promise her my life and everything, I didn't marry her".
But I got out of the cheeseless tunnel right away, on the verge of getting mad and did a 180 and got happy again.
It's really interesting how W thinks she's happy right now. I see in her eyes she's not really.

Told her I do not want to fight or argue the same things we always do. I think I made a very authentic approach this time. She gets that I am much better off and that I am moving on. I
Validated some and kind of started crying myself
She felt bad, told me about all the great qualities I have, gave me a pretty sincere hug........
...........while writing this she came back out into the living room and cuddled against me, apologized and then we actually had one of the most sincere conversations in a very long time.

Not a bad thing. It hurt me a bit to see that we actually can have a deeper conversation and understanding for each other. But she's also still like "you'll be happy, you'll find someone", but compared to other times she said it with a very warm heart. Then she said "you're all healthy now, you are like the person that I met again" ...say what??? I just replied jokingly "yes, before I got married, lazy and fat, bc that's what ppl do right?" (I'm actually more skinny, and always was lol)
No reason for me to change anything. My feelings right now are out of my M. It's just a question of time. I'm pretty detached from it although it still hurts. I didn't cry in a long time.

[Ontheup]

Hey Complex

It will hurt for a very long time but you will get over it. You have come a long way since you found out.

You are a young man with obviously a lot to offer. There are no children involved so if you take the positives from your sitch, once your divorce is done you will be able to move on fully with your life. You will meet someone else and although you'll never forget what has happened the pain will disappear. You will have no reason to keep in contact unless you wanted to.

As far as the other stuff, its just WAW script, her friends will validate that what she has done is ok because, well, they're her friends and they will back her. People knowing about what she has done......my view.......not your problem.....she shouldn't have done it if she is somehow ashamed. You haven't nuclear outed her but you have sort support in your family. They/you are not obliged to keep her secret.