Hi! 2 weeks ago I realized my H is probably having a MLC. He's only 38 but he was in a serious car accident in Sept'14 & laid off in Dec'14. The holidays were fine, Jan was ok too (oddly he bought a very expensive dog without even telling me or asking me). Feb he seemed anytime he could get out of the house he took it & was gone for hours. On 3/2/15 I confronted him about being gone all of the time (mind u he's still not working). He said he's never home cause he's not happy at home. I said it seems like he has 1 foot out the door on our marriage & our family. He said you're right & Im leaving! He abruptly told our girls (10 & 8) & our son (5, who is also special needs) that he was moving out.
He's since spoke so ugly of our relationship, like it has never been good. We've been married for 13 years & I always was so proud of our marriage...so strong & loving. My H was always the best hubby! Granted we've had life's problems thrown at us...special needs child, almost losing our home, H is a recovering alcoholic (sober now 19mos), failed businesses, severe car accident & job loss. My H says that I'm controlling, unsupportive, miserable & I let myself go. I admit I'm not as innocently happy as I used to be but I try my best to be a happy, positive person. I also admit to letting myself go slightly by wearing pjs more often & not doing my make up everyday. I also admit to taking my husband for granted & not nurturing our relationship we lost sight of us & let life get in the way. After he left I did a lot of soul searching that 1st week & decided to work on myself & fix the problems that I recognized were truthful. However to call me controlling & unsupportive. If anything I was a little too supportive cause I had such a hard time saying No to my H. I always wanted him to be happy so I support all of his decisions even jumping head 1st into 3 of his business ideas giving up time to work his businesses almost all day. Even his best friend said he can't call me controlling & unsupportive with putting up with all of his crazy ideas & activities.
After 2 wks I discovered he was at least having an EA with a former HS classmate he recently ran into on 1/30/15. Our phone record has text messages & calls between them all day, everyday from 8am to late at night including a 45 min call on my bday when he told me he had to talk to his brother-in-law. He also stayed at this woman's home a couple of nights after he left!!! He says there's nothing physical just good friends...how can you be such good friends when I've never heard him mention her name once in 16yrs together & they just recently reconnected!!!
Anyway I can't stop reading & researching how to fix my marriage. H is saying he doesn't want to reconcile or marriage counseling however he really seems like he still loves me & we've spent some really great days together since he left.
He's settled in at his parents. He says his life has come full circle & it's like he's a kid again living in his old room & his old town.
So like I said I'm working on myself, trying to be the best Mom I can thru this & trying to be positive & supportive to my H. So my question is should I be available when my H wants to spend time with me & the kids or should I just send him out with the kids?
This roller coaster is so confusing! One day I think he's coming around & we're reconnecting only to be completely ignored the next day!
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
You will be on moderation here for a bit so your posts will not pop up automatically.... but take a deep breath ... you've come to the right place. The support and advice here is nothing short of amazing.
First things first ... read DB and DR as they both contain some key fundamental tools you will need, not just for your H and your M ... most importantly for YOU.
Second ... sometimes this seems to be so obvious to some but for me was a complete eye opener ... if your H is in MLC, and it sounds like a strong possibility ... this will be the longest hardest road you've never wanted a ride on, patience is a must and it seems you must drag perseverance along beside it.
Cadet has left you some homework, these are not accidental, read them, let it sink in , and read again. It takes time .... but like the bold portion indicates ... DETACH .. you have to get a birds eye view of all this, if you are to close your MLC'r will drag you into the quicksand with him.
Hi sweetie. I am sorry you are here, but, you have landed among some very special people.
If your h is in crisis, you need to strap yourself in. Things are gonna get bumpy.
The most important thing is to take care of you and your children. He is in lalaland.
So, remember to eat, rest, exercise and pray if you are so inclined. This is a long haul. You need to be at your best.
Good on you for looking at the things about you that needs changing. Only own your stuff, though. Just because he said it, doesnt make it so. Be completely honest with yourself.
The changes have to be for you and they have to be real or he will see right through them.
Your h has told you that he doesnt want to be married anymore. You dont have to like it, but, the sooner you accept that those are his feelings for right now, the better able you will be to get through this.
The reason is this. MLCers want to be heard. If you pursue, he doesnt feel heard. If you tell him he is wrong, if you act like you dont believe him, he doesnt feel heard.
Your job is to work on you. It is to take care of your kids. Leave him to blow in the wind right now. He cant hear a word you are saying.
You will get through this and be ok...no matter how it turns out. Learn to really believe that.
Keep posting and post to others. That gets you off moderation faster and then your posts will show up in real time.
Thank you for your kind words of wisdom. I'm an emotional wreck & I absolutely hate that this is happening!
I did read DR but not DB & I've been reading the boards as well.
Our Easter was wonderful. My H came over Easter evening to dye & hide eggs then hung out for a while after kids were in bed but then left to go back to his parents where he's staying he then came back on Easter morning & was actually here by 6am to see the kids reaction to their baskets. I was shocked he came so early. We had a wonderful day. Spending the morning at our home then the afternoon at his parents with his family. Then when he brought us home he practically dropped us off in the middle of the street! Just helped me get the kids in the house then left! Day after Easter he told me he would call me but by 6pm he hadn't! I texted him "????" but I was so upset that we had a wonderful day only to be ignored the next so I decided to ignore him. He then texted 3x & called 3x within 3hrs.
Today we were supposed to spend time as a family because tomorrow my H is having shoulder surgery & recovering at his parents. I texted this morning when are u picking up the kids to take myself out of the equation, he called me & said I want to spend the day with you & the kids. Well that's where I am confused (well not the only thing that confuses me😜) I don't know whether I should spend time with him or not. I'm thinking if he's asking me then I should to show him that we still work & to show him how I'm improving myself.
Well I said yes to spending the day with him. He said he wanted to take a ride to the outlets & buy the kids some spring clothes. I was surprised cause that meant an hour drive each way! When he got to our home he asked where I was the night before cause he tried calling😳 (oh just ignoring u like u ignore me). He then said that he wanted to talk & thank me for helping him thru his previous surgeries. He said I've always been there to take care of him & he is having a little anxiety about me not being there this time to care for him but he said he's a grown man & he'll get thru it. Now he's had 4 injuries that required surgeries thru our 13 years of marriage & now his 5th & he doesnt even want me to go😔
So far these past 5 wks we have spent several great days together only to be ignored on the days in between! It's like he enjoys his time with all of us together but he doesn't want to be tied down. I really think he still loves me but he wants to be free at the same time...so unfair that we make a life plan together then all of sudden an MLCer can rip the rug out & basically say new plan & Im making all the rules!
M40 H38 M13 T15 D10, D8 & S5 (Special Needs) H refuses MC & wants Mediate D BD 3/2/15 & H left, EA 3/15/15, probly PA A Grateful Heart is a Magnet for Miracles! I have decided I will save our Marriage!
TP- I am sorry you find yourself here but I also know the people on the board have given me so much courage, support and hope for my future.
If I could give you one piece of advice it is to hope for the best but prepare for the worst. Everything you do moving forward needs to be with that philosophy in mind. You must protect you and your children so, no matter what happens, you'll survive this as a family.
I know I sound harsh but please take care of yourself and your children first. You are going to have to deal with a lot in the coming months and you need to be as strong as possible.
Post here anytime. There is always someone willing to offer some support. Be kind to yourself and just allow yourself some time and space to process everything.
Hang in there.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
My Story: Married 13yrs Together 16yrs 3 kids (Ds 10&8, S w/special needs 5) H 38
I discovered 2 wks ago that my H may be in a MLC crisis. He's fairly young for it but he was in a severe accident in Sept'14 & laid off in Dec'14. Ever since his accident he's snappy, moody, he's not interested in doing anything for anyone else & he talks philosophical. Holidays & beginning Jan were fine. MidJan he bought a very expensive dog without discussing with me just went out & bought it. Feb he was leaving the house everyday 9-5:30 even tho he isn't back to work yet & on the wknds he would leave the house too for hours any chance he would get.
On 3/2/15 I confronted him about how he's never home & he said he isn't happy at home. I said feels like you've got 1 foot out the door on us. He said your right & Im leaving. He then abruptly went into a daughters & told them he was not happy & he was moving out. Despite all of us (me & our children) huddled together crying, he grabbed a few things & walked out the door.
He told me later that I'm controlling, unsupportive, miserable & let myself go! Now he speaks so ugly of our marriage & of me!
I didn't waste too much time in pleading, instead I decided to soul search & figure out what happened. I took a hard look at myself & decided to start improving myself & trying to find myself again.
Within a wk I also found out that my H was having at least a EA with a former HS classmate. Our cell phone bill shows texts & calls all day from 8am to late night, everyday in Feb including a 45 min call on my bday when he told me he needed to call his brother in law! He also spent at least 2 nights at her home after he left but he insists they are just friends!!! We always had an agreement that if either one of us was ever excited to see or talk with a new friend of the opposite sex we would tell each other cause that obviously means we need to work on us. He told me after I confronted him that they reconnected on 1/30/15 after running into each other!
After more crying & self exploration I decided I'm not giving up & Im going to fix our marriage! I discovered divorce busting & immediately bought DR. I couldn't put it down & immediately applied 180. There's been small accomplishments but we're still separated 5 wks now...I know this is not long but please be gentle with me as I'm cometely heartbroken! I cry everyday, wake up sick to my stomach, I've lost 23lbs, I have no appetite but I'm trying. Thank God for my kids, they are what keeps me going.
Last wk I was able to get him to a counselor, he said he would go for our kids sake not to reconcile. He immediately started the session with he's not interested in MC or reconciling. So the therapist asked what he did wish to accomplish & he immediately went into why he left. After us talking back & forth the therapist said she didn't know what was in our future but she's hearing things differently. After our session he went to the restroom & I asked her what she meant. She said she doesnt think the door is completely closed. She said he needed to work on himself & I should continue to work on myself & continue therapy. He has to have surgery so our therapy is on hold for now but I continue to go.
Despite how awful Im feeling inside Ive managed to do excellent DBIng the last 3 wks. Our Easter was wonderful, we spent the whole day together 1st at our home then went to his parents but that evening he brought us home & practically dropped us in the middle of the street! He then went "out"...who knows where but he didn't go back to his parents where he's been living. Day after Easter he just totally ignored me. He needs to have shoulder surgery & they moved it up to this Wed! He's planning on having the surgery & recovering at his parents.
His parents & sisters are pulling for us & just think he's going thru something. His best friend said he's making no sense. It's not just me he's not happy with he complains about our home, our town & now he's been doing women bashing as well which is totally out of character for him cause he's always had high respect for women. He says he needs to do him & he wants freedom & he doesn't want to be married anymore. As I said he's living at his parents & he said to me the other day that he feels like his life has come full circle...he's back in his old room, in his old town...he said it's like he's a kid again! I'm so scared I'm losing him to a new start but I know he still loves me!
Question? Do I send the kids to spend time with him alone or if he wants me to come along too do I so we spend quality time together or do I play hard to get & let him miss me? Also let him experience what it will be like having our 3 kids to himself.
Ignored my texts again last night! His surgery is today & I've been up since 4:30am sick to my stomach that he doesn't want me there! Probably not a good idea to ask him again if I can come especially since he'll have no coffee or food in him so he'll be extra irritable!
M40 H38 M13 T15 D10, D8 & S5 (Special Needs) H refuses MC & wants Mediate D BD 3/2/15 & H left, EA 3/15/15, probly PA A Grateful Heart is a Magnet for Miracles! I have decided I will save our Marriage!
TP, it's best to stick to one thread so that people can follow your story. I know you are feeling very stressed and confused. Keep posting on this thread. You are on moderation so you won't see responses right away. This will change soon.
Ok., so, doing is counterintuitive. It feels wrong, but I believe it is the best chance to save a marriage. But more importantly, you will save you.
I couldn't stay away from H surgery. After 6hrs of waiting I broke & went to the hospital. When he saw me he said "couldn't stay away" & gave me a hug (well a 1 armed hug after all he did just have shoulder surgery)
Q? Do you say I Love You to WA MLCer? When he was leaving to go home to recover at his parents house I almost said ILU but stopped afraid to say it.
M40 H38 M13 T15 D10, D8 & S5 (Special Needs) H refuses MC & wants Mediate D BD 3/2/15 & H left, EA 3/15/15, probly PA A Grateful Heart is a Magnet for Miracles! I have decided I will save our Marriage!
