Focused on Me and My Son 2

[Sherman333]

Here's the rest of the story over the last couple of days... I didn't get a chance to type it all in.

Since she's had her apartment, she hasn't been home in the mornings (except maybe 1 day?) to see S7 off to school. She has shown up later after he's on the bus. Usually snipes a little, but nothing like it was.

2 days ago we had to go to friend of the court for a class the judge requires. He goes over what not to do with the kids (everything she's done... parental alienation, verbal abuse, etc.). Also typical custody outcomes, visitation times, etc. On the way back, I got the closest thing to an apology from her.

She stated that when she liked who she was when we met, but when she got pregnant things changed. The more she tried to do the domestic life, the more unhappy she got. The more unhappy she became, the more angry she got. And that she took it out on my and her family. She stated that she just can't do it. She's miserable when she only has one or the other. So for her, she needs a balance between being a mom or single to maintain.

I truly believe that S7 needs his mom if she can behave. If this is the only way for this to happen, then this is the way it needs to be.

So yesterday, we had to finish splitting up bills. I took her off the car insurance earlier in the day and we were at the cell phone company splitting the phones. During the discussion she started asking about how to transfer her phone and put it under another persons contract right in front of me.

She also mentioned that she had some of my clothes she had to give back and that we should swap them in the parking lot. When she gave me the clothes, that's when she mentioned that she'd had the movers come. She was smiling when she said it. That smile really rubbed salt into the wound.

I've been telling her that S7 saw the bedroom as his "safe" spot and he's been coming up there with me as soon as she moved to the basement. That he would be terribly upset with losing it.

I started to leave and turned to ask for the key/garage door opener. She said no... she still has stuff she wants and was texting someone... OM presumably. So I left to get S7 from latchkey.

On the way, she's texting me what stuff she still wants to get and expecting to have it done within a couple of weeks. It's all minor stuff. Just doesn't want me to make it difficult.

Also wanted me to do some financial stuff for her which I told her is her responsibility going forward.

She claims there was no heads up to give. I told her that I wanted to have it more orderly for me and S7 and that I really didn't appreciate her smiling. My clothes are in baskets and finding anything this morning was a chore.

When S7 got home, he went running through the house to see what was left (he's been hiding his stuff he cares about because he's seen Mom taking things and doesn't want her to have it). I've tried to reassure him that he'll see it when he goes to visit. He was crying/sobbing and finally curled up in a ball in a corner. He kept stating that Mom is a mean bully and other things. It got to me.

STBXW, sent a text right around that time stating that she wasn't intentionally smiling (really? how does that happen?). It was then that I texted "I have S7's reaction on video for you".

Her reply was "that is cruel of you to do... divorce is hard". That I should be comforting him... which I was. She then texted that this "is my opportunity to make it all better for him"... whatever that meant.

I asked S7 where he wanted to sleep that night and it was still in the guest bedroom. So I brought up a guest bed and moved a desk over to put a TV on it. So it's sorta arranged how things were. I asked him how he slept last night, he told me "great dad". He was curled in the crook of my arm most of the night.

Seeing him hurting really got to me. I've been holding back so much that I really wanted her to connect with how he was feeling. So she could understand how much he's hurting too. Again I know it was a poor choice on my part. I knew right after I did it. This has been such a pressurized event... Most of the time I'm able to avoid overreacting...

I didn't malign her in any way to S7. I try to avoid saying anything bad about her to him at all.

She then offered to take S7 to give me a chance to clean and organize things. I told her no. There's piles of stuff everywhere. To top it all off, there were dirty dishes in the sink too. It's my intention to use this as a teaching opportunity... to have him help me clean up the mess she left. To show him how to pick up pieces and go back to a "normal" life. Last night after I got the room setup, we had a later diner and did his homework.

This morning, I'm still a jumble of emotions. Simmering annoyance, relief, sorrow (yes I feel sad about all this), etc. Even though she's not been at the house in days, it's different knowing she's moved out.

I would strongly suggest that you find a trusted third party intermediary from this point forward, and eliminate all personal contact with her. It's very typically done in situations such as yours.

Not sure how to do this with co-parenting. There are things we still need to work out on the agreement, etc. Other than the lawyers, there are no family, or friends, or anyone that would work as a 3rd party. My family is a 4 hr plane ride away and she's estranged from hers that are in the area. So I'm stuck in this aspect.

It was S7's pain that really put me over the edge to where I'd lash out. Even then it was only 1 line of text. Nothing more, but it was a sharp barb for sure.

[Starsky309]

Not sure how to do this with co-parenting. There are things we still need to work out on the agreement, etc. Other than the lawyers, there are no family, or friends, or anyone that would work as a 3rd party.

People do it all the time. Maybe ask the judge's assistant if there is a state facility where exchanges might be done, 15 minutes apart from each other or something? Where there's a will there's a way, Sherman.

And there's NO WAY that what you just described up there ^^^ (and have been describing since you arrived here) is "good for S7 to have his mother right now." Later? When she's more well? Sure, and I would encourage that -- every child should have a mommy AND a daddy, and S7 should too. But right now she is emotionally abusive and S7 is being exposed to WAY, WAY too much drama and even hurtful things.


Starsky

[Sherman333]

People do it all the time. Maybe ask the judge's assistant if there is a state facility where exchanges might be done, 15 minutes apart from each other or something? Where there's a will there's a way, Sherman.

I'll discuss with the lawyer. I know he has a ton more experience with this...

[Starsky309]

I know in my state (Florida) they have state-licensed facilities for supervised visitation (and other services, I assume). Perhaps such a facility could be utilized for child exchanges, where you drop S7 off by, say, 1:00 and your wife picks him up at 1:15 for example.

Use Cozi calendar (or other similar online shared calendar) for all child-related items, and stick to a regular schedule.

It requires some logistics, but it can be done and is pretty typical in adversarial/toxic situations.

[raliced]

Sherman- FWIW - my STBX is a cop and he used to talk all the time about how common it was for people to use the police station for exchanges.

I know you mentioned earlier in one of your threads that you had already spoken with police in your area. Might be an option.

[SadDood]

Sherman- I don't have a lot to add, but appreciate you taking the time to detail/blog what's going on. I think you're doing a great job, minus a few relapses. I'd say just keep doing what you're doing. I know the point of DBing is to save marriages, but I'm not sure why you would want to save this one, at least until she gets the treatment she obviously needs. She's so deep in the fog, she doesn't even know which way to go.

Best of luck to you!

[Sherman333]

I know the point of DBing is to save marriages,

My opinion differs a little bit from this. The point of DBing is to save the LBS. With a stronger LBS, then the marriage can be saved. That's the huge secret.

I'm not sure why you would want to save this one, at least until she gets the treatment she obviously needs.

This one is not on the list to be saved. Focus is to get through to the otherside as unscathed as possible.

[Wonka]

Sherman,

You and your mouth. Geesh....

Unscathed??! Open your eyes, bud.

I'm with Starsky on his advice. You two need to get the h*ll away from STBXW's toxic fumes.

[Vanilla]

Sherman.

Get a borrowed tent put up, put STBX stuff in it. Text her it's there.

Change the locks on the front door as soon as you can.

Put a lock on S7 door and lock his things in.

Your S7 need never fear for his things.

Protect this child.

V

[Sherman333]

You and your mouth. Geesh....

I know. She can attack me as much as she wants... but as soon as S7 is hurting... I have a lot of trouble not reacting. And I know that's what she wants. As for when she pulled the surprise move-out... that wasn't supposed to happen per the original plan. There was supposed to be enough time to handle the transition for both S7 and myself. Once she smiled when she told me, that set me to simmering. Couple that with S7 being upset and her telling me that I should comfort him... well I lashed out. Not proud of it. But I've bit my tongue so much in this...

So 2 days ago, S7 and I talked about diner and he wanted a pizza, so we went to the local store to get something we could bake. When we pulled up, STBXW's vehicle was in the driveway and she was in the house. She went through the house before we got home.

When we pulled in, she was demanding to take S7 to her new apartment. At first I resisted, somewhat relented, but S7 didn't want to go, so I told her no. She flipped. Started threatening S7 about taking full custody, that he'd never see me again, same-old-dance and it was getting intense. I took S7 and we left.

While we were gone, she started texting me about all the stuff she's taking... my bike, some of S7's collectibles, my headphones, a ROKU, TV remotes (but not the TV), my range bag for target shooting, just a bunch of stuff.

I called the cops. Had S7 fill them in from his perspective 1st, then told them mine. The officer followed me back to the house an the STBXW was still trying to figure out how to fit my bike into her SUV, but the other stuff was already loaded. I took the bike and locked it up after the officer challenges her a bit. It was still a civil matter and not much he could do. But he did commit to documenting a good police report for me.

She spent about 7 to 10 minutes telling the officer all of my faults and everything she perceives as a slight in the divorce and even complains about how calm I am about the whole situation. Then gets in her car and drives off.

I continue talking with the officer (who faced a similar situation last year). After a few minutes, she came back, stopped in the middle of the cul-de-sac, pulled everything out that she took, handed me the garage door opener (her primary method of entering the house), then stated that "she's not going to stoop to my level". Hopped back into the SUV and drove off.

She sent me follow-up texts later the next day about taking care of a financial manner and I think she picked up a check that has both of our names on it. She wants me to give her half. I think she took the check. I know she's stressed for funds and I'm half hoping she forges my signature.

The attorney has made it clear I can't keep her from entering the house as she still has an interest in it legally.

However, I've changed out the alarm system to one that's a little more current. New locks that work with the system will be her Monday. I've also cleaned out the garage enough to be able to park my truck inside (according to the BIL, she'd mess with it in the future).

She's also updated the agreement with what she'd like. My lawyer is incredulous at some of what she's asking for. Stated that even the judge would never go for it. Monday, he'll work up a variation of the agreement and we'll provide that to her with the stipulation that this is the final offer. If she doesn't accept, we'll let it go to the judge. My lawyer is confident that we have enough to get what physical custody at this point regardless of anything else.