Focused on Me and My Son 2

[Sherman333]

I think the old thread locked here: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...324#Post2554324

So yesterday was great! So when S7 woke up, the VERY first thing he did was to look out the window for Easter eggs. He go so excited and ran around to different windows looking.

He then went downstairs looking for his basket. W usually just put it on the kitchen table, but I hid it. He came back looking sooo dejected that the Easter bunny had "forgot." I helped him look for it and when he found it he was ALL smiles. I even got him a couple of smaller lego sets to go with it.

I let him eat a few pieces of candy and then eat breakfast. After which we went out to hunt eggs. I got pictures of him holding up this huge basket!

I have to admit, I got him way too much candy for 1 kid.

From there we went to see our former foster kid at the church he's going to. I hadn't been to a church service in YEARS. The sermon focused on resurrection and new beginnings. There were about 10 people who were baptized. Everything resonated with me, especially about starting life anew.

Then we went back to the Foster Mom's house for a bit and let the kids play.

We left from there and went to have Easter dinner with a friend and his family. We hadn't seen them in over a year and he'd invited us up. It was an almost 2 hr trip but S7 got to play with another kid his age and it was a "real" family dinner with a lot of warmth and friendship. W never wanted to do this type of thing and I told S7 that this how holiday dinners are supposed to be. That having people in your life that care about you is what makes the world richer.

[Sherman333]

No for the not so fun stuff from last night. I'm mainly just blogging for future reference.

STBXW is still taking pot shots at me for the DRAFT agreement about visitation times. She's focused on the 8:00 p.m. drop off time and I didn't get back until 8:04 p.m. from yesterday. She's never been able to hit a time but expects everyone else to be on time for her. She expects that my weekend ends when we get home. That I can't exclude her from our son.

She's stating she'll be taking him away so I don't get to see him at all on "her" weekends, but not to some guy's house. When I have him we're home every night by bedtime... An overnight (except for the bug-out event) was always communicated in advance. The way I see great... she'll need to be mom and that will get old for her.

She says I'm being unfair because I have a TV upstairs.


The rest of the night is focused on asset division. She's focused on splitting EVERY LITTLE thing. That we should add every little thing up and split it.

I told her to put whatever she wants on her list and we'll discuss it. She also expects me to give an amount of half of what I brought into the marriage... which she's not entitled to. It's less than a 10 year marriage and what I brought in I get to leave with.

She expects me to cover $10k of her being upside down on her car due to mileage. I'm upside down by about $7k. Her vehicle is her vehicle and mine is mine. They're in our respective names and I told her to take it up with her lawyer.

She wants me to take on all the debt and pay her a "perceived" equity on the house from when we bought it for. We've only been in the house for 3 years and there's not much.

She made 1/3 of the household income and we've discussed a 2/3 vs. 1/3 split of debt. And if she wants any of the equity, then that would be split the same way... If we go to the judge it would be closer to 50/50 to 2/3-1/3 anyway.

But the house has a lot of unfinished home improvement projects, will need a new roof, the master bath has a leak in ceramic the shower, and she damaged the countertop (so it needs to be remodeled). It will appraise for WAY less than she's expecting.

She's pissed that I'm not touching anything on the house (per my Attorney's advise).

She's threatening to "do what she has to do" with our S7 and running. She keeps telling me that I'm screwing her.

She wants some sort of compensation from me for her 8 years of unhappiness with me. I told her to put a number on it and she can't.

We went through discussing furniture value... It's typically between 1/3 to 1/2 the value new. Tallying it up vs. the debt there's not much there.

She did say she wants to take the master bedroom furniture. That her OM doesn't have a nice set.

The conversation ventured into a little bit of the relationship talk. She did confirm that the OM is her boss. She doesn't think we were ever meant to be together long term and that we were never "friends". She said that her new OM is a lot like me and she finds that the most attractive... go figure.

I did challenge... about how proof of everything she's denying is in the family photos (bad DB). And that she killed things between us years ago with all the personal attacks and crap she pulled. I did catch myself and focused back on moving the Divorce ahead.

She changed topics back to S7, that she can't meet the time and won't be able to see S7.

Then the conversation moved to the EA/PA and how much she lied to me. That I've know how much she lied to me. She claimed it was all "innocent" and just happened. I called bullshit and that it was intentional on her side, but that it didn't matter. Divorce is in the works.

She also started pestering about me doing a bunch of stuff for her on her bills. I told her she needs to take care of all her items herself. I'm giving her fair notice that middle of the month she'll need to get prepared to take on her insurance and her own phone.

She accused me to be the root of her depression that I should have done something different. I flipped it back to her on how she attacks the person and that it killed me. That I withdrew because everything I tried, I got attacked. Her response was that I'm not perfect either and I agreed. From my perspective she did me very wrong. How she killed me being able adopt my foster son.

She told me that she doesn't really know why she's doing this. That I was good to her. I did tell her that she's reenacting her divorce with her 1st husband... sleeping with her boss. And that it will most likely end up the same way.

I disengaged and let her know I want to be done with the conversation and looked for her agreement.



So this a.m. S7 had came to the master bedroom with me again. She started coming upstairs and I told her I was in the bathroom (rooms are partitioned). She got pissy and told me that she had to go to work. And that I could just tell S7 that she wanted to kiss him but would let her etc. I told her to knock it off and that give me a moment.

She came up, kissed S7 and as she was leaving, she told me I got my wish with her boss. That he won't let her move in and that she'll have to get her own place. She knows she can't live on her own with the debt. With what she does, I can only imagine how more annoyed she'll get through the day as she didn't get what she wanted.

My SIL is giving me a hard time about even discussing anything with STBXW. I agree with her partially, but some of this needs to be worked through.

Last night I got 3 things.

• Got her recorded and confirmed who the OM is for after the Divorce. There will be a letter to the corporate office post Divorce. The guy, as head of HR, really crossed the line.
• Got her to agree to additional division of assets
• Got her focused (at least last night about leaving).

There's a few more details here and there. She's bouncing and now she'll probably want the furniture again.

My biggest fear at the moment is that something happens, she looses her job and I'm stuck with her in the basement. Ugh.

[Sherman333]

Just realized how long the last post was... talk about a brain dump.

Anyway, earlier today the STBXW called about a possible reconcillation. Turns out the OM got a little weirded out that I knew so much about him and that he's her boss... EA/PA violates the company ethics. He won't let her move in with him anymore because he's worried. We'll see how long that lasts. Either way, there will be a letter sent to their coporate office once I have the agreement signed.

So anyway, even the fact that the STBXW is waffling, he's taking it badly. According to her, he stated that all he was a fantasy for her and that she was just playing with him.... hm... maybe some truth to that.

So she wanted me to tell her that I wanted to reconcile... I'm not sure and can't commit to it. I'm willing to talk through a few things, but it absolutely CAN NOT be how it was. I told her as such. That she would need to be in therapy to work on her issues, etc.

That the relationship is busted down to the foundation and we'd have to decide to rebuild it. I won't be plan B. That she would have to choose and stick with the choice. That I won't get back onto the rollercoaster without proof from her that she wants this and wants to be with me. That I would'nt accept anything else than the best of her in the attempt. I told her the ball is in her court.

Since all this has happened I've been focused on what my life would look like post BD. About the possibilities and women are expressing some interest in me. I'm not dating and if I'm out, I always make sure I'm home by S7's bed time. I told her this as well.

She said that maybe this is her way of letting go of me. I told her are you kidding me? After all the crap she told me about how we were done, etc. What does she expect?

At the end of the call she got really emotional and sobbed... "I've ruined your life, S7's life, OMs life, and FS8's life. Maybe I should just go..." and she hung up.

She tried calling me back maybe an hour later... I let it go to voicemail.

She did make a phone call about getting FS8 back. So she's at least partially serious.

Personally, I think she's more afraid of being alone than she wants to be with me.

I needed to close the joint checking... more victoria secret charges kept showing up. So we left did that and we're at a Jungle Java playland letting him burn off some of his energy. He's having fun.

[Sotto]

Sherman, I would very much take your time on this one. Your W has been particularly difficult in recent months, and IMHO you should ensure that there is a genuine and sustained turnaround on the part of your W. That she is genuinely remorseful about what has happened and that she will do what it takes to reconcile.

I think from recent events, and from your convo today with your W, you may be a long way from this state of affairs. And TBH, returning to the M sounds like a plan B for W because OM got a bit 'weirded out.' What if he decides in a week's time that he's not so weirded out after all? What will your W do then?

What has she learned from all of this? What does that mean going forwards? How can you best protect yourself and your son from possible future hurt?

Think very, very carefully about this and don't make any quick decisions. I'm no vet, and you may want to wait and see what others advise. But I'll be honest, having read your sitch in recent weeks, the thought of you and your W reconciling at this point makes my heart sink. Sorry to be blunt, but JMHO.

Good luck to you whatever you do decide.

[Sherman333]

Just to reassure everyone... her phone call changes nothing. I filed and at this point even if she really wanted the relationship, I still think I'd let the divorce process proceed regardless of where we're at. Be the best way to protect S7 and me.

She'd have to go to a lot of therapy just to get close to "normal". I'm REALLY not sure I'd wait, matter of fact I'm pretty sure I won't. There's a lot of opportunities out there.

I think this is just her flailing around. She's not done spinning yet and is just afraid of being alone. The SIL and BILs position is that reconciliation would just be more miserable years for me and S7. For every action there is a reaction. Her choice was to screw around and leave her husband and her son. It's on her for this. She's just having reality bite her in the A$$ a little.

The BIL (who knows her better than I do) is telling me to stick to my guns and stay ahead of her. That she will ruin me if I give her the opportunity. No mercy, just keep rolling forward. And to send the letter on the affair as soon as the ink is dry on the agreement.

I will say it was nice to tell her no and not feel influenced too much. I did my grieving a while back. Call it karma maybe?

We still have close to 180 days before the 1st court hearing anyway. We're at the beginning of the process.

[Sherman333]

She'd have to move heaven and earth to change the course we're on. I don't think she's capable.

When I first went to my IC's office, we talked about all the things wrong in the marriage. She asked me what was good. I struggled to come up with much of anything.

Nothing on this has changed. I don't have a reason to continue but have good reasons not to.

[Sherman333]

I don't have a reason to continue but have good reasons not to.

This is meant to be I don't have a reason to stand for the marriage, but have reasons to seek an exit.

[Sherman333]

So the phone call was a bit of BS. She's claiming now that she doesn't want either of us (me or the OM) and is signing a lease on a apartment tomorrow.

That there's no way she'll give up her job. That she never did anything with the OM physically (which I find so hard to believe knowing her, plus what she was saying).

I can't trust her.

[MCS]

So the phone call was a bit of BS. She's claiming now that she doesn't want either of us (me or the OM) and is signing a lease on a apartment tomorrow.

SCRIPT.......First piece of a faltering A...."I didn't leave my H for an OM, OM had nothing to do with it..."

My WW has held onto this for the last 6 months. I spent a good time actually starting to get roped back in until I realized she was still pursuing OM...Its just he never left his GF.

[Sherman333]

I figure once everything is signed, they'll still proceed with the PA.

I'm feeling kinda bummed today at work. It's "her" night with my son and my plans to meet with other folks going though this through a DivorceCare group at a church fell through. They won't meet until next week.

So I have to spontaneously figure out what to do. I kinda need new dress pants for work, so I might just pop over to look what the local dept store has.