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Mighty Offline OP
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History of a crazy life:

Wrecking Ball:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2472154#Post2472154

Que Sera Sera:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2478986#Post2478986

Eyes Wide Open:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2493724&page=1

Time For Change:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2494298#Post2494298

Dynamic of a Family Revised:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2498183#Post2498183

Diggin Deep:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2502356#Post2502356

The Silver Lining:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2510323&page=1

Staying Focused:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2512426&page=1

Tread Lightly:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2512428#Post2512428

The Next Three Weeks:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2517994#Post2517994

The Next Step: The True Test
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2523268#Post2523268

Forging Through the Unknown:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2529674&page=1

Mighty:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2529681#Post2529681

Rebound: Round 2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2534521#Post2534521

Learn to Fly:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2537919#Post2537919

Recoup:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2546394&page=1

Uno:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2546425#Post2546425

Here we go again...

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Posted from uR:
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One day, Mighty, you will wake up and that heaviness will be gone. You will wake up and take a deep breath and think...I did it. I got through it and I am doing great.

Your life is yours to create. It's yours to paint however you want it. There is something amazing about that, really.
uR, your post gave me chills. This part ^^ I love. The first paragraph, I love. Thinking about getting through this seems like a never ending story... but, the possibility of there actually being an ending to this nightmare... getting through this... oh man... what a thought.

The second part, my life- making it my own. That is a feeling that I certainly am embracing. For the first time in my life, I can make choices based on what I want and need without the influence from anyone. I dig that. It feels good.

And thank you job, Heather, and uR for coming to my rescue while I was spinning from the radioactive waves stemming from xh. Ugh. He is such a PIA. I don't even think he is doing anything to me, particularly, but the mere though of him makes me cringe. I really can't believe I am at this point... I just can't stand him. I think I could go the rest of my life without seeing, hearing from, or having anything to do with him and I'd be better off. I just can't believe that I feel like that. It shocks me, but they are real feelings. Feelings that I haven't felt before.

Does this mean I am getting over him? Does it mean I am angry? I hope I'm not bitter. I don't think so. I just feel so much better without his shenanigans, that I'd rather not...

It's an unexpected feeling for me. Yet, I just keep following along where these feelings are taking me. Granted, I am trying to keep my emotions in check... but that is different than owning my feelings.

I still get upset. Angry. Frustrated. Baffled. Heartbroken. Disgusted. Confused. Sad. But, I am sloooooooooooly finding my way.

I just can't believe this. That's the overriding theme. Unbelievable. I can't believe he has a baby and gave up his family to be with the person who does not care about his family. Who feels entitled in the most unbelievable way.

uR. You post earlier also had the analogy about noticing the car, because it's on your mind. I could not believe that you posted that, because I had given the same analogy to my son a few hours earlier when he was telling me about something on his mind. Thought there was something wrong, but I used the analogy and just explained that it is just something he is going through now, but that it won't be on his mind forever. Some time in the future, he will be thinking about something else. But that was crazy that you posted that. Great minds think alike, huh?

job:
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He's not worth getting upset over.
BAM! That's so right on. This made me think, what can I do that will make me happy and not worry about this anymore. What am I not doing? I don't want to be reactive to his behavior. I want to be productive where I just don't even have time to care what he is doing or not doing.

I want to protect my daughter. So, I will be as honest as I can w/o unnecessarily upsetting her. I will allow her r with xh to be what it is... on their terms. I will let her know that I am unwavering. I am here for her.

I also feel kind of lame. Like, it is taking me so long. I know I am doing better, but I know I still have a lot of work to do. It seems like by now, I should be so much further along. What am I doing wrong? I think I still had too much faith in him. Despite everything he had done, I believed he was still there inside. I think part of me was waiting for that...

What he did, when he came back, really messed me up. But, I think it is helping me to really let go. But, it left new wounds, too. Part of me has rebounded quicker, but I just had further up to go. Will I ever really recover? Just when I think I am doing so well, I have this relapse. I am struggling because I feel tired of dealing with it. I feel like i am running out of resources. Even coming here. You guys have been so amazing and helped me keep my emotional and mental stability as good as I could have... yet, what else can be said? Have I progressed at all in the past 8 months?

I think that's a good question for me to look in the mirror and ask.

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Mighty - there isn't a quick route through all of this. But one day it will be over.

Your xh is continuing to mess up big time. What a terrible shame for everyone.

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Quote:
I want to protect my daughter. So, I will be as honest as I can w/o unnecessarily upsetting her. I will allow her r with xh to be what it is... on their terms. I will let her know that I am unwavering. I am here for her.


This is the sticking point for me. I'm still very angry with how my children have been treated.

What's helped me, recently, is read up on addiction and the changes which take place in the brain...changes which alter the brain's chemistry and leave addicts with a serious defect when it comes to understanding/acting upon the consequences of their actions.

In terms of MLC, I find it hard to believe that anyone--would wake up one day and say, "Hey! I think I will make a complete f---fest of my life! I will alienate my spouse of decades, do things my children will never forgive and, essentially, become an embarassment to my entire family!"

Much like addiction, there's some brain chemistry altering going on here. Otherwise, the world just isn't round like they say. I KNOW my husband loved me. I KNOW he loved our kids. And, more than anything else, I KNOW he loved our pets.

So, to do this 360, only makes sense in light of some mental disturbance or dysfunction within HIM.

The hard part is separating the behavior from the person. Accepting the person for who he is today and preparing our children for his inability to "be" there on any level. It's still a hard pill to swallow.

Looking at him honestly as a very complicated person with a long list of issues which aren't mine to solve...that makes a difference for me. Distance has helped me too. Helped me, although I wasn't prepared for the anger that surfaced when I had some perspective. Maybe I couldn't feel the anger when everything was so close and fresh? IDK.

It's a process.

Quote:
I also feel kind of lame. Like, it is taking me so long. I know I am doing better, but I know I still have a lot of work to do. It seems like by now, I should be so much further along. What am I doing wrong? I think I still had too much faith in him. Despite everything he had done, I believed he was still there inside. I think part of me was waiting for that...


STOP. Read some the threads. I've been here nearly 3 years. Still a work in process. Others have taken years to sort through all the feelings that come up with this trauma.

In a very short period of time, we've all had this traumatic experience of learning that what we believed was UP, was really down. The earth may not be round as we had been told. OUR foundations were rocked to the core. That's not something we can heal from overnight. It's just not.

You loved someone. You believed in someone. He changed. You've given accounts of his damaged childhood. Nearly every MLC-er on here has some seriously sad childhood story, including mine. You don't have the time and healing yet to understand. I do believe, though, some understanding will shine through at some point. At some point, you will feel glimmers of what the truth really is/was.

Maybe he is just a man who was afraid to have it all. Maybe he couldn't handle it. Maybe he didn't think he deserved it? Maybe the urge to run from happiness was just too great. Maybe he wasn't breastfed upside down and backwards. I don't know.

I DO, however, believe that the life they had with us was real and what they ran TOO...not so much. I see the good parts of Matt in my kids. I see the person he coulda been. I see the person he was afraid to be or maybe thought he wasn't capable of being? I don't know.

I know I will be ok. Him not so much and that still makes me very sad. And, I think about what Job posted to Kimmerz...the memories of the life they had with us...that will sustain them at some point through the pain of what they've lost.

Sadly, I think the damage that's been done has finally collapsed the bridge in my case.

How exciting, though, to think of myself as someone who really knows myself...we are different now Mighty! We know who we are and what we want and what we don't. I was just telling a friend today...what I want in the next man. And, if I don't find him, I will still be ok.

"I'm looking for a manly, well-read, gentle, generous kinda guy with a good sense of humor and good/understanding about kids with special needs. And fun in bed. And honest!!!! No games. I've narrowed it down."

Would I have ever considered I deserved ^^^^this guy^^^^^^ when I was 21 and engaged to Matt? Nope. Not even a little.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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Mighty, please, please get those thoughts out of your head about not being further along. You had waves of crap hit you...over and over again. If you didnt lose your footing, I would have thought there was something wrong with you.

I am going to tell you something. I could not get all this. Not for a very, very long time. That's the truth of it. I just couldnt wrap my mind around it. I would go for days, even weeks, thinking I was finally coming to terms with it and then it would all hit me again and round and round I went.

I dont know how the people here could stand it sometimes. Having to say the same things to me. Watching me trip and fall again and again. But, bless thank God, they stuck with me. So did my amazing therapist. I was so blessed.

This is enormous. It goes against everything you thought you knew and believed. It blindsides you to a place you have never been. It makes no sense. At all.

It takes as long as it does to get through it. It happens at first in fits and starts. Then, slowly, you are carried along some. Then when you lose your way a bit, you start to find it quicker. Until eventually, it all begins to mesh.

The thing about all of this is that you dont want to skip any part. Each and every step of this, brings you closer to where you need to be.

You are exactly where you should be, sweetie. I promise you that.

Be gentle with yourself, M. You deserve that.

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Thanks bea, Heather, and uR. I know its a process. I know it takes time. Maybe it was just so nice to be away from this. Maybe it was nice to not have to worry about seeing him or dealing with him or something like that. Not being surrounded by reminders at every turn of the head. Not fear of running into him or her... or them together. A sense of relief. Distance. My own life.

Part of that tells me to take it back... me. Don't allow it to take over or consume me. The fear, that is. I guess I just don't know how exactly to get over that- completely. I do have to tell myself to dig deep. I get pretty lonely. That's part of it. Yeah, I like being alone. But, the loneliness is starting to get to me.

It's like as soon as we get home, its back to REALITY, for sure. A reality I have come to not want. I can change it, make it my reality, but I am not sure how, exactly. A lot of things are out of my control.

I'm sad that I come home to this. My kids are off, and I'm alone. That he has someone to go home to. That he has a new family to go home to. And I have no choice but to deal with that. That he would chose that. I just don't understand. And I know I never will. And I know I can't try to make sense of it.

I had such a great week. I was so happy we went. It was so laid back and relaxing. We didn't rush anything. My kids appreciated that a lot. The difference with being there with just me. How much more laid back everything was. No freaking out when there were bumps in the road, or our car wasn't ready right away... etc...

Maybe I just feel unsettled bc I don't know what's next. That I don't want to do everything alone anymore. That I don't trust anyone anymore.

I know I am coming across as whiny and complaining. I really feel OK. Last week was good, and I was feeling like things were starting to turn around a little, but today it seems like the same ol'. So I guess I'm just frustrated about it. But, hey, tomorrow is another day, right? A day of renewal.

I just detest xh right now. That's the overbearing feeling. And I don't want to feel anything for him. At this point, I think I am just rambling. In my best Oz voice, "Pay no attention to the chick behind the laptop!"

uR- I think I need to hear it over and over... I've always been like that. Thanks for sickin with me!

Heather- can't wait for you to find that guy! He is out there looking for you!

bea- yeah, he is messing up big time. Often, especially now, I wonder if that is true! Because of how they carry on, like he is doing the right thing, and she feels so entitled and that they are a family (Barf- faux family, if you ask me), that I am wrong. That what they are doing is fine. It is making me question everything- like my thoughts. What is wrong with me? Are my feelings unjustified? It makes me feel so horrible. Worthless. Like they can walk around pretending to be this happy family and no one cares and is so happy for them and the fact that I am devastated doesn't matter, because, who am I? Who cares? People don't care! Not that I want people to feel sorry- that's not what I want at all! But people accepting them as a family- ugh! And at work- they are a couple! Ugh! I just don't count.

The only one who has the power to make that insignificant is me. But it is difficult.

I'm ok. Tomorrow will be a better day.

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I understand how being away allowed you to forget for awhile. I also get the fear and lonliness...man, do I get it.

When I went through this, I did not know how I would make it. I was with him since I was 18 years old. We were married 25 years at bomb date. Together for 30 years. He was all I knew. Together with my son, it was the 3 of us against the world. I had never lived on my own. I had never did a lot of things on my own.

Truthfully, I didnt now how I would go on. I mean, literally, I wasnt sure of what to do. But then life had to continue. Things needed to get done. My son and I found out own rhythm. I dug deep back to the girl I used to be. And I figured it out, M.

I will say that it was when I started to let go of wanting to understand and the anger, the road became clearer. I just said to myself, some things just dont have explanations. Like when a child dies or someone gets cancer. This was one of those times. And no matter how I tried to make sense of it, I just didnt have the power to do it.

Letting go of the anger was a tough one. I eventually realized a few things. The first one was that if I didnt then they were getting more. That's the truth. I didnt want them to have one more thing. Then I realized that me being angry wasnt affecting them. They didnt care one bit. So, what was the point of that? Being angry wasnt going to change a thing....except me and I was too important. I also knew that no matter how hard I tried and how brave I acted, that my son would see the anger. Now I dont think its wrong for them to see that for a time. I mean, they would think you were kind of crazy not to be angry and sad about it all.

But for me, I wanted to show my son what it looked like to deal with the tough stuff in life. I wanted him to see that even when life is hard, you can still rise above it. Even when it was heartbreaking, you could survive.

Mighty, be careful about thinking about what he has or doesnt have. Trust me when I tell you it isnt at all what you think it is. Not that it matters because it doesnt. But, there is no way someone in crisis, who left his family, had a baby, left his ow, then went back to her...is happy. But as I said, it doesnt matter.

You had no choice in his choices, but you have many you can make for you and your kids.

It is scary not knowing what's next. Really scary. But you do know this. You are smart and capable and worthy and enough and that's all you really need.

I get not wanting to do everything alone. It wont always be like this.

You arent whiny, Mighty. You are sharing your thoughts. Nothing wrong with that.

Start a bucket list. Put big things and small things on it. Get a book together of places you always wanted to go to and things you always wanted to try. Set small achievable goals.

We never know what the future holds, M, but you have to trust that it holds you.

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Gulp.

Thank you, uR.

I can't wait to meet you someday.

It's at the top of my list.

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I agree 100% with Heather that there is something very very wrong with these people. My xh is nothing like he used to be.

Interestingly my elder dil who knew him pre and post MLC sees a huge change in him. Obviously we do, but she was simply daing my eldest son when she first knew him and no emotional investment, as we did.

I wish MLC was better researched and understood.

Please do not assume that your xh is happy with his choices, they truly are more like addicts - driven by who know what to do these tings.

yes, a choice, but also a compulsion.

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Mighty, I can’t help but to think about what your son said… That you H and hww R will not last for more than two months. I think sometimes our kids see it the way it is. I think your xh went back to hww because it was easier, because she was making it look easier. She would accept him the way it was. It would be a lot harder for him to make an R with you and your kids to work. The R with hww was easier, because she was making it this way. Just wait until the dust settles in… You son might be very right here… I think your hx knows it on a subconscious level, this is why all these texting to your kids during the vacation.

I appreciate all other advice here, about being above all of it, about taking care of yourself, etc. It all helps in moving on and growing front the experience… and becoming a better person. But, I think it is also important to know that your suffering is not going unnoticed and unpunished. I do believe in a saying that “what goes around comes around”. I think you need to feel some of these right now. I know that I did. Later on, you can have the forgiveness and grace, but right now I think you need to know that all your suffering is not for nothing. I might not be explaining it right, but I know what you feel. I think it is obvious that our hx is not in a happy place right now. It is not the way it looks. He cannot be happy. Their R is based on betrayals and lies, and hurting other people. Their R will due a horrible death. I know for me, it would be a comforting thought.

So, keep processing your feelings and making one step at a time. I’m cheering for you!


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One step at a time. That is all you can do here. Frustration is normal. You are doing great. Seriously, you are doing really well. This is tough stuff.


M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters
BD: 5/14
Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW
D Final 9/17

“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.”
― Maya Angelou



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Hi Mighty,

I think at times we all are where you are right now. I know I am dealing with some anger and other emotions right now. To me, the hardest part is that we are going through this alone. No matter who we talk to we eventually come to those times when we are alone and realize it. We keep getting our hopes up when they seem to be coming around only to have them dashed again. I am sure that you, like me, like most others here at times just want to get in the car and drive away. Just get away from it and never come back. We don't, but wish to. I feel that working through this is the price we will pay to get stronger and become the person we should be. Eventually we will set it aside and that will be that.


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It would be my honor to meet you one day, Mighty, and very possible. smile

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Mighty

You have been given great advice, I know you will hold onto it and use when ready. The anger, you must work on letting go as soon as possible, it will destroy you not H and her. So feel it but then direct it to something else, like get angry and clean the house, run, jog, or allow the anger for 5 min, then force yourself to smile and laugh.

I cannot truly imgaine the hurt and anger you must feel. We all here have same and different situations and different reactions.

I just dont want to see your anger stop you in your tracks, keep moving forward.

It's not easy, but it will get better, each day will be better and even emtionals set backs will not last as long.

hang in MIGHTY and remeber you name you are MIGHTY!!!!!


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I feel like I am living in purgatory. A land of nothingness. My former life is over. My eternal happiness isn't promised. It isn't here. It is still out of reach. Now I am doing the work. In a place I don't belong and can't stay. Paying for my sins. Rectifying my mistakes. Hoping to one day cross over. Can I?


Thanks, you guys. Thank you so much for sticking by me. Supporting me. Encouraging me.

I'm OK. And the anger- it doesn't consume me. At all. I just get some flashes once in awhile. They pass fairly quickly. But, haven't had it in a couple of days. I think when there are events that happen, I tend to cycle a little bit more. Vacation and coming back, made me spin a little. But, I think I get in a routine of nothingness... but it's not a great routine. One I am trying to break out of.

I haven't slept since I have been back from vacation. It's been a week. I get 2-3 hours per night. But, I think I will be able to break that this weekend. Fingers crossed.

The past 2-3 days have been a little better. I feel I am breaking free. My feelings are starting to change. I don't want to talk about xh at all. I don't want to think about him, deal with him. I want no part of it. D14 has brought him up a couple of times. I listen to her, for her, but I don't want to here about him. Once she says what she needs to say, I try to talk about something else so I can get it out of my mind quickly.

I completed the forms today for changing the deed and the tax forms. I was proud of myself. I had to make a couple of calls to get the right information. I downloaded directions to help me. And I didn't have to pay a lawyer! Now, I need to get them to xh to have him sign them. Ugh. But, I am sure he will notice my name change on them!

S18 still hasn't spoken to him. I think he blocked him. Xh was getting really short w d14 last night via text. VERY immature and pouting. (one of the things she told me about him). Just weird and.... weird. So immature. I think he is feeling out of control again with my kids. He thought maybe this time they would go along with his shenanigans? Apparently. And he does not like that they have opinions of their own about him and his sitch... he knows deep down that its wrong.. I know this, which he has no ground to stand on. And throws a temper tantrum then comes back like it didn't happen. Ick. not even going to get into it anymore. Over it.

Went to my brothers a little bit tonight. Was going to stay longer but had to bring s18's friend home. I have realized a lot of things. Things that are deep, personal, spiritual. Mistakes I've made. Changes I've made. Not just behavioral changes, which are superficial... like, I shouldn't do that anymore. But, awakenings. And it's like, once you reach a certain point, the digging deeper becomes a little easier. It triggers another realization. Makes another impact and change. It's good stuff.

I still get sad. At the beginning of the week, I was having daily breakdowns in the shower. It's my place of inner reflection? Who knows, but I was OK starting yesterday. But, still have moments.

It's different this time. I know I am letting go for good. My "hope" has to change. It is a difficult concept to really grasp that it is truly over. I am still absorbing everything. What my life has become. How different it is. How different he is. How different it will be. What he has done to me. To my family. It's OK. I'm OK. It is just taking time to come to terms with everything. Finality is just so difficult. Really and truly releasing him... from my life... forever... is heartbreaking. I just don't have a choice anymore.

I feel like he was slowly killing me. And he knew that. And he didn't care.

I have a lot to work through. I'm pretty sick of it. But, I know it must be done. With that said, I am looking forward to finding a happy and peaceful life.

And I thought, all the stupid things that have bothered me... I can't wait for the day, when he pulls in to get d14, and there is another guy... here at MY house, hanging out by MY pool. Relaxing and enjoying being HERE with ME. I like that day.

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Hey M. Back when I first started here, and it was way before my registration date, things were different on this forum. There werent moderators. People didnt hold back. There was a great deal of 2 x 4s and pushing of people.

There were days when I got off my laptop because I couldnt see through the tears rolling down my face. I was challenged. I was pushed and pulled and loved.

When someone told me something I needed to look at, it was sometimes so hard. I would get upset. I would vow not to come back...and then, I would think.

I knew that I had to strip down to my core. That was the only way I was going to come out the other side. And I was so grateful there were people on here that were going to make sure I did that. No excuses were allowed back then.

So, I had to unlearn all that I knew. I had to face stuff I didnt want to face.

I felt as if everything that I held true was a lie. I felt that the order of the world that I had come to count on, wasnt real.

There were days when I would walk around my house in total confusion. What had happened? What had I missed? How was this possible?

So, when I stripped it all down, I realized that I had no control over anyone. That was the turth of it. I came to understand that I could have been perfect and this still would have happened.

I figured out that I had contributed to the breakdown of my marriage, but, I did not have the power to own all of this.

But one of the most important things I learned was that I was enough. I was worthy. I was lovable. And it didnt matter that my xh didnt see that...it only mattered that I did.

It is ok to be sad, M. It's a sad thing, the ending of a marriage. It's ok not to understand and to have trouble with the finality of it. It's ok as long as you dont stay stuck in any one spot.

These awakenings are so important. Digging deep...can be hard, but, man can it bring amazing things.

Good on you for doing that paperwork. Who cares if he notices your name change, M?

Keep looking within. Keep moving forward. Keep remembering that different doesnt have to mean bad.

You are doing wonderfully.

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Mighty- what UR said. All of it We both go back a long way (before our reg dates)

Quote:
I feel like he was slowly killing me. And he knew that. And he didn't care.


Yes I relate to that but I now know it isn't their truth. They are hanging on by their fingertips, screaming inside.

I had the weirdest dream last night Met xh's latest woman (not his current btw) and she was soooooo nice. We got on really well, and I thought she was far too good for him - in the dream.

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Mmm Exactly
Quote:
So, when I stripped it all down, I realized that I had no control over anyone. That was the turth of it. I came to understand that I could have been perfect and this still would have happened.
Quote:
But one of the most important things I learned was that I was enough. I was worthy. I was lovable.

Quote:
They are hanging on by their fingertips, screaming inside
Yes, kind of like a real-time version of facebook - it all looks great to the outsider.

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
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"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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Hey Mighty, how are you doing?

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Hi uR! Thanks for checking on me. I was coming to post, and it was nice to see you were thinking of me. Your post above, yikes, it must have been tough hearing outsiders perspective in a matter-of=fact way. It is such a nerve-exposing situation.

bea- the hanging on by the fingertips analogy has stuck with me the past few days. Today, particularly. I really wonder how xh could have made those choices. But, he did. Yet, I keep thinking about that... and how he continues to make choices, which must really make those fingertips tired! Blistered... the fall will be greater.

Weekend was OK. Saturday one of my brothers and a mutual friend came and we gutted the kitchen. We actually had a lot of fun! My friend's wife came and went a few times, too. My mom was also here for awhile. But, I got a text that night from my mom and my brother, they both said that it was so good to hear me laugh all day. We did laugh. And, I felt so good all day. It was a little bitter-sweet at times. Some of the things xh and I did together... the project we started together. His name came up a few times... not in a bad way. Just reminders. Yet, I think everyone else cringes. Probably bc they wouldn't have to give up their Saturday if it werent for him! Ha!

But, I felt just a little bit more free. A little bit of a release. Slowly... I'm getting there.

Sunday was beautiful out. I missed xh in a way. The spring arrival at my house. Doing all the jobs we would do. But, it's ok. I was OK.

It's weird... it's like I think of him less now... but he is still "around" 24/7. If that makes any sense. His absence is always in my heart. But, I guess I am adjusting. Looking forward to what is in front of me. And, realizing that I am leaving that behind. I mean, I am going on with my life. And when I say leaving that behind, I mean, that old life... and him. I don't think there is much movement. I see him stuck and me moving. But, I don't really see him, so maybe not. Just feels like it.

Yesterday was my birthday. I didn't sleep much the night before. What else is new? But, getting up in the morning... I have to admit... xh was on my mind. Not in a.. get-me-bent-out-of-shape way, but I think I wondered a little if I'd hear from him. And, I didn't. I didn't expect to. But, it is still a little painful to not be acknowledged after so many years.

When xh and I were trying to figure out hww's conception, I checked my journal, which documented every friggin day... and when he was with kids, etc... and counting back from her due day... it is very likely my birthday was conception day last year. Give a new meaning to birthday for me... but I'm not really sweating it anymore.

I can feel a transition that I am going through. This is tough stuff. But, I'm getting there. Honestly, before, I was really scared of letting him go. There was a large part of me that just couldn't accept him not being in my life. Or, perhaps, him not wanting to be in my life? I'm not sure. Maybe both. But, I just want to release him. And, that, too, is difficult to grasp. To really take in. I want to feel like I don't want him. I didn't want that before. I was afraid of that. But I think about how much easier it would be. But, I have to say, that I have never really felt like I have wished him ill will. Of course, do I wish them a fairy tale. HE11 NO!

I do know that I have been mentally, emotionally, and physically wounded. I have always been tough. It was part of me. But, this... well... I was so vulnerable. And I didn't pretend otherwise. I owned it. I was aware that I was weak and lost. But I also knew that I didn't like it and wanted to get out of it. It's not my thing. I felt debilitated at times. That was horrible. Now, my wounds are healing. I know it will be a long road, yet. I have a lot of ground to cover.

Mentally, I'm getting stronger. I have acknowledged behaviors which were unhealthy. I know I want no part of ever again. I also feel that those realizations made xh run. And I think that what he has now is pretty unhealthy- so perhaps comforting? To an extent. Maybe a cycle he isn't strong enough to break?

Emotionally- I have always been strong. Yet- this. Ugh. I have been all over the place. Like a tornado. Spinning, twisting, smashing through anything without care or concern at high rates of speed. Now, I'm more like a Weeble-Wooble. Back and forth. You know... I weeble and wobble, but I don't fall down!

Transition. It's interesting.

On the xh front. Like I said. I don't pay attention. Don't contact. It's been a blessing. Yet, its an ever-present ghost in my life. Shake it off, Taylor Swift style???

I mailed the deed and tax stuff yesterday. It will probably be there tomorrow, if not today. I had to look up his house number on Zillow. And the 21 pics of their house came up. I quickly x'ed out. I am avoiding like crazy. Before I would have probably looked. I have avoided lots of stuff- trying to MOVE ON!

No word on my birthday. Yet, I do know he called d14 last night (on my birthday) and he hasn't called her in over a week. Coincidence? Not even worth the energy.

Today: S18 called me... frantic! He said xh was following him in the car and he was trying to lose him. Xh was trying to chase him down. Flashing lights and all. I told him to come home. He said he tried by xh still followed and he didn't want him to catch him here. Said he was about to call the police. I said to just come home. He said to open the door... "all the way". D14 heard him on the phone and went and opened it.

I was paying the bills and was like WTF! All of a sudden, s18 came bursting in. Slammed and locked the door and went running upstairs. D14 and I just sat there watching him flying into the driveway and xh following behind. Xh ran up the driveway yelling to him. Then the doorbell started ringing. I didn't know what to do. I was not going to talk to him. I don't even care. Whatever. I'm not even going to get into why. Just- ugh.

So, I went into the kitchen, to the door. The kitchen door leads to garage and he was at garage door. I just said, "he's not going to come out." He waved me over, like to come talk to him. I said, "Go away. I'm not gonna talk to you," and turned to close the back door right there. He turned around and left.

That never happens.

Thank God.

I just don't get it. Who is this guy?

OH, OH! I KNOW! None of my concern.

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Oh, and when I got home today, I had a gift in my garage from my mom's friend (she was my 5th grade teacher, I was friends w her daughter growing up. Her xh cheated on her. I have confided in her a couple of times over the past year... or sought advice) Anyway, I haven't talked to her in a couple of months. She left a sign in my garage,

"Don't look back. You're not going that way."

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Hi AJ!

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Hey, Mighty, Happy belated Birthday!

It is so fre@king sad that xh didn’t even acknowledge it.

You ARE one tough cookie, Mighty. You will get there, I have all the confidence in you. One step at a time.

This incident with your S18 and xh is just weird. Did he say what he wanted from S18?

Love your Mom’s friend’s note! This is what I need to remember too.

(((((hugs)))))


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Happy Birthday, sweetie!!!

Hey M. It was tough to hear what they had to say back then, but, it was also so helpful and necessary and I knew they had my back.

Mighty, I dont want to make this about your xh, but, trust me when I tell you being in crisis is very, very hard.

I am so glad you had help and you were able to laugh some. You will have more and more days like that.

It's all normal..all these feelings. All part of this. All needed for you to move forward.

I so get what you mean about him still being around. You dont just erase twenty something years of someone's presence.

I am so sorry that you felt sad that xh didnt acknowledge your birthday.

It is really scary to let him go. To let go of the dreams and the future you thought you were going to have.

Letting go is a choice. It is you saying that you have no control over anyone but you. It is a prayer to the heavens and a way to honor you.

This is so tough, I know. It happens in layers. The stronger you get the more of them that get pulled.

You dont want to rush through it. Each and every part is important to get you to the other side.

You will get there. I know it. Each moment, then each day, will get you closer.

You are made of tough stuff, M. I can see that. It's ok to not be strong sometimes. As long as you can dig in when you need to.

I am over here rooting you on.

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Mighty

What did you do for you for YOUR birthday? If nothing its not too late to celebrate YOU.

Happy Birthday (belated)


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
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July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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Happy Belated Birthday!

You've been busy over the weekend and I'm sure your kitchen will look fabulous when everything is completed. It is now your creation and you can do whatever you want w/the design. It's nice when family can come over and help out and if they didn't want to be there, they wouldn't have been there, i.e., regardless of xh's.

I'm sorry that your xh didn't acknowledge your birthday, but right now, his attention is elsewhere and will be for quite some time. It's par for the course w/people in crisis.

Mighty, I think you are doing great. It's difficult dealing w/the fallout once, but to have to go thru it twice...it's even worse. Hang in there! You are rebuilding your life one block at a time and when you are done, you will then be able to sit back and smile at all that you've accomplished.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Hi bright! Thanks! No, he didn't say what he wanted. No one gave him the opportunity to say anything! S18 hasn't spoken to him in several weeks. Maybe two months?? S18 does not call, respond, not text him, so I think xh saw him and wanted to chase him down to talk to him. S18 hasn't spoken to him since xh
Made him late for school and xh called to tell him he was on xx street. The one w the house w HWW. S18 was mad! It's xh's way of letting him know he was. Back w HWW.

Ur- thank you, thank you. Mmmmmm... You get it. Ya just do.

2b- thanks. Friends at work bought me lunch and gave me a gift cert for a spa day! It was so nice & thoughtful. I love them. My mom wS here when I got home from work. She & s18 had made me a cake. Kids and I had cake and ice cream for dinner! S18 got me a bracelet & perfume. It was nice. My good friend called from another state and we chatted & laughed for awhile. So... It was quiet. Peaceful.... Positive.

Hi job! Thanks. Yeah... This is no joke. But.:. You know that. I was thinking how much time has passed while I have been on mental sabbatical. It's amazing that the world goes on without me! Who'd a thunk it?! But seriously, time has passed- and I have been still. Waiting. I'm not exactly even sure for what. It's unbelievable. Just unreal. So- bottom line- I've got to stop trying to unravel this. It ain't gonna happen regardless... And in the meantime, as I focus on untying the, inevitably impossible, tangled mess of a knot, everything around me continues on with life. And... So shall I.

After bd, I had lots of dreams about xh. For a long time- months- about the old xh. Same after nuke. This- the abandoning ship thing has changed my dreams. My dreams are now of the new xh. Ick.

His appearance last night rattled me a little. But you would never know it. I feel ok. I was actually in a fantastic mood today. Like I haven't felt in a VERY long time. Prebd! Still have a ghost hanging around, but didn't let it deter my happiness at all. But... It did get me thinking. You know... That part of me will probably never fully expire. But this is seriously the longest I have ever gone w/o contact. Ever. From his part especially.

I guess he remembers me telling him that it bothered me when he would contact me after nuke. To which he was astonished! (His astonishment to that made me astonished!) and I straight up told him no more communicado!!! Which he tried- and I denied. Sooooo... It's definitely different. It's good. But, of course, makes me wonder.../ but not for long. I kick myself to snap out of it. Stop looking backwards! Who cares! Ah well.

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You know, Mighty, when we are traveling through life trying to navigate its waters, we arent really paying attention to the swells and tides.

But when something this monumental happens, it tips the boat and gets our attention. We lose our footing. And for a long time, no matter how hard we try to right the boat, we cant.

It is because we have experienced something we have never experienced before. Something so catastrophic that we dont know how to get back on track.

It makes us question all that we thought we knew..about our spouse, our marriage and our view of the world.

When we look within, we have to harness the strength we sometimes didnt realize we had.

But it takes time to really get our mind around all that transpires. It makes us question our beliefs and our ability to see what is true.

While we are doing all of that..we have to mourn the end of our marriage and family as we knew it. We have to let go of the one person we thought we could count on most in this world.

How can we do that? How can we say goodbye to someone who has meant so much?

It is no wonder that it takes time to find our footing.

So, you questioning how he can not contact you is all part of that. While consciously you know the answer..that he is in crisis, subconsiously you are thinking, that doesnt go with what I knew to be true.

It is a process, this. Sometimes we want to rush it along. But the truth is that each and every part of this..the getting your mind around it, the mourning it and the accepting it are necessary to get you to the place that you will get to..and that is peace.

One of the best ways to get there..is to accept that some things are just beyond comprehension. This is one of them. We can get that they are sick, but, not how it really affects them.

You are sad. This is sad. It is sad for us and for our children. It isnt how we thought it was going to go. We have to right ourselves and navigate waters we didnt see coming.

We will. We do. It is a different life than the one we thought we were going to have for sure. But different isnt bad. Its just different.

I know you are going to have an amazing life, Mighty. I can feel it in you. I wish you could pass all of the crapppy stuff to get to it. But, then it isnt as sweet.

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Mighty - I am right beside you slogging through the grief. We think we are accepting of things we really are coping more than accepting. Acceptance feels like hopelessness in this situation. At least it does to me right now.

You have been dealt a lot. Remember how strong you've been and embrace your life in this moment. You are coping and in this moment coping is pretty freakin' fantastic! You are going to get stronger with each passing day.


M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters
BD: 5/14
Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW
D Final 9/17

“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.”
― Maya Angelou



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Mighty - something Ur said - the person we thought we could count on most in the world. I have come to realise that part of their panic stricken behavior is that they know they have ceased to be that person.

Chose not to be, were driven not to be, however we put it, but for all their bluster, they don't like what they have done to us. There is, stuffed deep down, guilt, shame and eventually, I think, remorse. Even if they never show it to us. It eats at them. They know they can't be relied on.

Your xh is doing what my xh did - pursuing the children, and trying to 'make' them have a relationship. Will not see that these things, once given freely out of love, have to be earned again. Again they know this deep down, but will not acknowledge it.

Hugs to you (and belated happy bday)

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Happy belated B-day Mighty!
I really feel you, Mighty. I am very much right there with you feeling so many of the same things you are. Thing is you have it worse in many ways. The fact that you are standing still, there for your S18 and D14 says so much about how strong you really are inside. It's that strength that will get you back on your feet better than you were before, in the end. I think everyone here see's this in you.

Bea, while I think you are spot on with the fact that the MLCer feels that guilt deep down, the fact is that so many of them started their journey with depression. My W, when she was depressed, would feel all kinds of deep guilt. Guilt about things that she shouldn't have felt guilt about. Now, she is doing so many things that she should feel REAL guilt about and it only makes her keep pushing farther and faster. It's almost like she is going backwards. When she was depressed (still?) she let unfounded guilt crush her, now she refuses to feel the guilt that should tell her what she is doing is wrong. Just something I find interesting.

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uR- EXACTLY! What an awesome post. That's exactly right and what I've become to realize.

I am doing so much better. I had to let myself fall to the bottom. I was holding on to the impossible. Shielding myself from reality in it's naked- raw truth. I think I put a spin on things in my mind- so I could cope? But it prevented me from the bottom line. Until I took that sugar-coating off the pile of $hit of truth, I was denying that really- the only thing it was, was, $hit. Nothing else.

So had to fall. Accept exactly what it is. Only then can I work my way up. MY way- not carrying anyone up. Just me.

Still tough. Still a long way to go- still accepting truths and reality..., but when I hit a setback, I know I've climbed it previously- so I can do it again. Only a little more stealthier.

Thanks, uR. I'm getting there!

Gwen- we will persevere! I got your back.

Bea- yes! The person we could count on the most. Yes! That stuck out to me, too. It's like a speed bump that I roll up to and don't have enough momentum to get over, so I roll back and forth- just can't get over that one yet.

Dang, full of analogies today!

And yeah... The fact that they don't like what they've done- I think that's what was making me so crazy when it happened again. The opportunity to right the wrong.... Or something. Especially after what I know now about what it was like (partially- I know there is way more to it). But that come with the territory.

I think it gave me the bigger picture. This is much deeper than I ever could have imagined. Then the sugar disappeared from the $hit.

And.... Voila! Here you have me... Starting at the bottom... (I keep hearing drake)

The pursuing kids... This has me in a parking lot RIGHT NOW! I didn't realize that tonight was the Kevin hart show xh got tix to take s18- his bday present.

I hadn't thought of it. S18 told me he was going to lax game out of town, but going to hang w a friend first. D14 is at lax practice, then going to watch boys lax game after.

I think s18 was sure to make plans to be away from home.

I realized I needed to get out of there!!!!! It still gets me worked up inside. Much better- but I don't want to deal.

So, I'm in a parking lot. My friend and his wife are going to pick me up in a couple of hrs to go out for a bit.

I don't like this. So I will stay out of it. I really want NO part of it. And, that was xh's call to set the dynamic last year bc he wasn't allowed to talk to me- even regarding kids (and she didn't like him coming to the house to pick them up. Yet she spends every Sunday w her OTHER baby-daddy), so he only communicated w them & not me. Well- that is a-ok. Totally backfired on him.

(I added the above anecdote for fun- doesn't bother me anymore.)

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Mighty - I love your analogies - they are just right - some things are like a bit bump we can't get over, and then one day we do without even noticing. And yes, it is much deeper than we realised. My xh, as you know, also did the come back and try again routine before disappearing for a second time. Ouch. Not such a big shock second time around, but in some ways it hurt more . . . . because this time they seem to have 'got' what they had done. No child, but my xh recently admitted to me that he wanted another child. Seriously what is it with these men/children?

If officially diagnosed with MLC couldn't they be put somewhere quiet and comfortable until it passes over, to minimise the hurt they do? Mind you I have thought this about teenagers - but they call it college!!

Hang in there - look at WH - she had (and still has) one of the meanest MLCers gong and is now with someone much nicer.

My personal goal is not another r. In fact a very good friend was telling me that she has met someone nice (been on her own a long long time), and I sat there thinking, I am so happy for you and I am so glad it isn't me!

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Bea- I think it's a great idea to put them away somewhere! Wouldn't that be interesting? Lots less heartache!

I had a lot of fun last night. Met lots of new people. Never even thought of my crazy sitch- until.... Well my friend is friends with these young girls. They hang at this place, and for a second I thought, omg! They prob know HWW bc they are so young and from here. But I forgot about it and let the thought pass.

Later, someone asked if I was married and I said I had just recently gotten divorced. And one of the girls looked at me- and we both knew that second.... She knew who I was. Yep- friends w HWW. I asked how she knew it was me, she said bc you are the pretty little xxx from xxx. And figured it out. Anyway- she said HWW is such a skank and so crazy. Here is the funny story for today:

In high school (which wasn't that long ago) HWW was on her way to school w her bf. he tried to break up w her, soooooooooo

She drove into a tree.

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Just a thought, but she may be threatening suicide and a lot of other stuff right now. I now that my xh's first OW did that kind of stuff - and our xh's are so crazy that it works!!

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Ugh. That chick is wacko.

But none of it is bothering me, really. I feel so much free-er today.

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I knew I wasn't ready to date. But I know there are those really good feelings you get when you meet someone. I couldn't figure out how to get rid of all the pain and sadness alone. Yet, I knew I needed to be alone.

I am starting to get those feelings. But it's bc I'm single. I'm now excited about that.

Maybe it's bc I had such a good time last night. Maybe bc I know I don't have to deal w crazy. Maybe it's just the beginning.

My friends were all over me in the way home. They were like- everyone there loved you! Didn't you see you had captured everyone's attention? They were freaking out about it. I was just being myself and didn't notice, and I'm actually embarrassed to type this. I just was in a good place. Maybe people dig that.

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No need to be embarrassed..of course they loved you, Mighty. I am not at all surprised.

You are doing great. Be prepared for some pangs, but, keep going, sweetie.

I am smiling big over here.

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MIGHTY

Yeah you are doing it, getting passed all this crazy it!!!!

Girl, you can move on, you are D, you kids are in a good place with the D Everyone will have ups and downs, but spend less time in a negative place.

Yes, it would be great for H to be someplace else until thru this crisis and or made up his mind, but oh well my H is here, and I need to find the quiet peace within myself.

Mighty, I'm proud of YOU, everyone stitch is different, but I think yours was pretty hard, and you survived, you move thru it.

You gave me power even when you did not know it, by just sharing your story and moving thru it.

I sometimes said if mighty can do it so can I. And there are other stories here where I took the strength and used it for myself.

Stay strong, keep moving forward, dont' look back!


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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Somebody is gettin' her GROOVE back!!!

I loved reading your post about your evening!!! WTG on allowing yourself to have fun and forget about other stuff!!!

Smiling big here, too!! grin

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Hey uR! Thanks. I get slightly apprehensive about the thought of those pangs. But, overall, I know I've turned a corner. Today I did yard work... Things we'd do together. And I'm ok! Don't miss him. He be gone anyway.

2b- my goodness- that's crazy anyone would look at me for strength! I feel like I've been a sopping mess. But thank you, that was a really nice post.

Shining! Oh yeah.... This groove is quite impressive... Or something. I had a blast last night and felt like myself. Me real me- pre xh, w xh, and now the me w/o him. My core personality. I will hold on to that with a death grip bc ourselves is the only person we can hold onto and not let go. Anyone else around should be there bc they want to. And if they don't, it's not worth tiring your hands over. No one will be happy.

I think my will or reserve is being tested today. The sincerity of my newest feelings. My strength and growth. I think meeting that girl was one. The fact that she knew her, knew what she did & told me things didn't get me upset at all. The other friend I came across- I couldn't even reLly look in her direction even though she can no longer stand HWW.

(More growth- the pregnant girl at work- who I haven't been able to look at- yesterday I asked her how she was feeling and exchanged a few words w her about it)

Today, I was sorting laundry in the basement. I had 3, very distinct, piles of clothes. I was taking them out of the hamper and putting them in the appropriate pile. I set a shirt in, turned to the hamper and grabbed another and turned back towards the piles. I am no kidding about this- there, in the middle of all the piles- out of nowhere was xh's sock. Just one- in the middle. It wasn't there a send before that- yet, there it sat. It was one he always wore. In the middle. There. Two feet from me. I just stared for a moment. Xh moved out a year and a half ago. He does not have socks here. It was an ankle sock. He does not wear them in the winter, so it wasn't from then. S18 would never wear it. He only wears nike elites. I mean. Hmmmm...

So then a little bit later, my friend walked over as I was outside doing yardwork. She is the one who works at the hospital and gave xh the info about paternity test that crazy week. Anyway, I have really spoken to her in person in months. She told me how weird it was being around them at the hospital and how different he is w her. Like she controls everything and he is scared if her. This is NOT the guy I know. At all. Military. Leader. Successful, in management. Never a pushover here or anywhere! But it doesn't surprise me. I knew it all along. But hearing it is weird. Like when my bil said it was like he was walking on eggshells around her. And that was the first week the were living in their new house!

Anyway, my point is, none of it really phased me. Like I'm being tested. And I just don't care.

I think it is sad that he gave up EVERYTHING for that life, but it's not one I have to live.

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I'm not surprised that you made a splash at the party. One surprising side effect of all this that I experienced was a kind of fearlessness. After all, the worst had happened, my ex had left....so what did I care about the little stuff? If somebody didn't like me at a party, or if I was a little too loud or too silly, who cares???? I could just be myself and not worry about it, and it was very freeing.

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Hi Mighty,

I'm just catching up on your thread. I've been pretty busy and not online as much anymore.

You sound like you are getting over the hump. I can tell you I never thought I would get to a place where I felt Meh instead of pain when it came to me ex. I am three yrs separated this August. This year has been the turning point for me. I have stopped waiting and moved forward in my life. What he says, does or is doesn't affect me like it did a year ago. You will get here too. My ex came by to pick up my SD the other night and hugged me hello and goodbye. I felt like I was greeting someone I used to know. It felt good to not feel anything more. I have started to date and I think this has helped me move past my marriage. Even if it doesn't last it doesn't matter. I have a life and I am making plans for my future.

You deserve happiness Mighty.....keep moving forward.

Big hugs

karma


Me 52 H 44
T9 M 5
BD 12/11 H
split 8/12
OW moved in 12/12
OW gone for good 6/14
We get closer again 9/14
SD 13 Me 4 Grown





Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
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Hi mighty just got caught up on this thread. So glad you are feeling good, seeing your worth and letting your light shine.


Me 44 H 42
M 10 T 12 (at time of BD)
Ss 20 16
S11 (special needs)

BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom
10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied
S and I move out 3/15
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Matt- I missed your post. Thanks so much for the encouragement, support, and well wishes. I know you have been facing a lot of tough challenges recently. I hope they are alleviating some. You deserve much happiness and peace. Sorry it took so long for me to post to you!

Ellie! I've missed you! Whoa... I am really feeling the way you described. Well... you have been an awesome role model... glad to realize I'm reaching some of the places you have found yourself. Yes!

Hi Karma. Great to hear from you! I am glad you've found your way and making a new life for yourself. It is easier once you get over that hump. Still feeling some growing pains, for sure, but I've found footing.

Hi Julie. Glad you've come back here. Sorry that your sitch is still tough. It's a long haul for many of us. But you've got your place now?! That's great and a huge step towards YOUR life for you. Keep posting!

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OK, so I've had a couple days of processing and contemplation. I find that I have these great bursts of growth... then need some peace and alone time to regroup or something. Yet, I know I can't stay too still for too long... then I will start to backslide. I'm still in a good place, however, my mind has been trying to mess with me a little today.

But I think that I am in a better place. Stronger. More put together. It's like I am waking up to what has happened the past 18 months. My failures, decisions, the chaos around me. I know I need to make more changes. And I know I've allowed myself to become weak in areas I wasn't before. So.... I have some cleaning up to do. I know we are all put in survival mode with bomb and behaviors of mlc, but I swear, I have felt some of the things as described as stages of mlc. Do I think I went through it? No. Nothing like they do. But, I think I was dragged through some. Some from my own inability to totally let go... and some because of the insanely intertwined connection. Sympathy pains may have had a tad to do with it? And, dealing with my own issues, of course, was a proponent. But, whatever the reason... it's neither here nor there. The point is, I'm now on the clean-up committee of my own life. Some will be much easier than others.

I withdrew from people the past year and a half. I know that. Good people. Family. Friends. And yet, I also met new people.

Let me get right back to that in a second.

I have been numb. Numb to things that seemed momentarily unimportant. My plate was full. I had no room for things outside of my immediate survival. I let things roll off like I was a steep bowling alley. Things just didn't matter. And I was utterly aware of this.

Now, when it came to people/friends in my life. I couldn't face people. First, I didn't want people feeling sorry for me. I didn't want a pity invite. I was depressed... a gamut of things.

However, with that, there are some new people in my life. And now, something about some of them just don't seem right. It sounds terrible, I know. But, I think that broken people attract other broken people. And the thing is, that when I was around them, they would say and do things that felt off or wrong to me, bothered ME, the core me, but... I let it roll. In fact, I even thought that it was one of the things I need to work on. Xh used to write people off. With that, we didn't keep "couple" friends often bc of that. So, I just thought that I need to accept people for who they are and that's that. However, I also think my personal standards and boundaries were skewed... or temporarily non-existent.

People know where I stand. I'm that kind of person. But, for 18 months, not only did I NOT KNOW where I stood, I think I was incapable of standing for myself! So, how could I take a stand on anything?

Bam.

Here I am... I've found my footing. And I'm looking at my surroundings. There are things I just don't dig. The good people in my life are still there, and I don't totally see invites as a pity invite anymore. Yet, there are others. I'm kind of creeping myself out! I had red flags. But, I just... I don't know... I was just in a whirlwind of chaos... and... ugh... I can't stand it! What was I thinking??!!!

I'm going to do another post, bc this was more like my own awakening of sorts. And the next is going to be about dealing with a minor causatum.

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OK, so there are a couple of people I need to... ditch. Sound terrible? Probably. But, it's just not me. Others, well, I have made some new friends which are great! And then there is the in-between... just need some space.

Right now... I'm dealing with one in particular. This seems like a great person. Buuuuuuuuuut.... Now I'm super annoyed... and actually pi$$ed! And, that... is weird for me to have these feelings outside of my sitch!

So that guy a few weeks ago... the one who showed up late after a night of drinking... the married one. Ugh. He's gotta go.

After that, he did apologize. And, I accepted it and moved on like normal. Didn't forget it, but acted like before the incident. Oh, and I wanna say, that night, he texted me when he got home and said some crazy things... I shut it down, and he said "I'm sorry you're not attracted to me." Since then, things have been OK. I guess when I get super uncomfortable, I just play things off with a joke. And honestly, I've never really been in a position to have to aggressively ward someone off! I mean, I don't give off the vibe like I'm about that.. so, you'd think that'd be enough!

Anyway, he texts me a couple of times a week. I don't always respond, but when I do, it's just joking and nothing big. And not much.

However, he has put it out there like... needy. Like he knows I don't want him, but plays games like he wants me to fall for it or something. Stroke his ego... I don't know... it's weird. And I have NEVER responded to that.

Friday he got a little grabby with me. But was like, "Oh, sorry." right after. I walked away.

Friday night, he texted me when i was going out with my friends. My friends are also friends w him. So, I just responded a little bit later that I was out with them... hoping he would stop.

I didn't check my phone for awhile, until I wanted to see if my kids were looking for me or anything. You know, only parent on duty 24/7. And he had texted something about coming to see us out. I didn't respond. I just feel like what the heck... we aren't even that close. I'm out. Leave me alone!

So then, as I was standing with my guy friend, I saw I had 2 more missed texts from him. My guy friend asked what he wanted. And checked his phone to see if he had texted him to come out. He hadn't. My friend was like WTF? He knew we were together.

So, this is what I get from this guy at this point ( I still hadn't responded about him coming out):

-No worries. Next time.

Then,

-That's like shooting fish in a barrel

After I saw them, I was like, "What?" I just didn't get it. I probably should have even said that, but I'd had a couple at that point. And was super annoyed.

Then, "I was going to stop down but I didn't want to interrupt."

Then, "I'll chill its all good."

Ugh. Who are you and wtf do you want? I mean, seriously.
Whatever. Ignored.

Next morning, he's calling my phone. OK, not answering that one. He left a voicemail. Didn't even listen to it. In fact I never listen to voicemail. It's usually full. I just deleted messages this week to make room in case kids school call. They are the only messages I listen to. I hardly check email too. Been like that since bomb. Hey, I'm telling ya.... plate full.

So, put it out of my mind for the day. Yesterday evening I got some stupid text from him that there was some guy at a restaurant waiting for me. Like he was trying to be funny. And he is always making really dumb jokes like that. Which, I've always just humored, but not really got into. In fact, I don't think he is funny at all. Just weird. But, this is becoming increasingly clear to me.

Actually.... here are the text exchanges:

Guy: I ran into some guy at xxx looking for you. He had 2 chocolate shakes and smothered fries.... odd?

Me (a little while later and annoyed): That's weird.

Guy: Did you listen to your voicemail?

Me: No. I don't listen to voicemail.

Guy: Well do it! I gave that guy your # and he called u today.

Me: No way

Guy: For real listen to your vm

Me: Nope. With my kids. (Two finger "Peace" emoji)

Guy: Interesting

OK. I WAS SO ANNOYED! Maybe overreacting... but wtf is he to tell me what to do? I'm not listening to my damn voicemail if I don't want to!

And, the night before, he made me feel like I needed to answer to him! What is that? And, what ever gave him that idea?

Then, to say, "interesting" like I am doing something wrong by not doing what he said to do?

And he wants me to coddle him? Beg him to come hang out or something? F that! Go away!

Go talk to your wife! The one fighting cancer, you friggin a$$hat!

Like, seriously. He crossed a line with me. I don't have to answer to him. I didn't want to hang out with him.

And, I've also learned something about these guys, previous to this weekend from his actions. These guys don't give a f about who they want to bang while cheating on their wives. He doesn't want a r with me, he wants to bang me. (Sorry for being crass). Then go home to his wife and kids. HE'S GOT THE WRONG ONE!

I am sure I haven't given the impression I'm not that kind of girl. If so, I will be sure to make it clear that I'm not. But, I think he saw me vulnerable and tried to take advantage.

Anyway... sorry to vent. I just was so put off by the fact that he thinks I would waste one second explaining myself or answering to him or... whatever.

And, I didn't want to listen to his dumb message where he sounds like an idiot pretending to be some derelict who wants to buy me smothered fries. He's not funny. Stupid.

OK, am I crazy?

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Mighty, I freakin love reading your posts. Ok, first of all, you arent crazy...but, I will get back to that idiot.

About the people you allowed into your life while going through all of this. When this happens, we go into crisis mode. We are just trying to survive. We try all different things to get through it. That includes letting people into our lives..people we wouldnt normally allow were we not just trying to get through the day.

Some people are only meant to be in our lives for a little while and thats ok.

When we are getting our footing back, we begin to see more clearly. When we do, we reassess.

Now as far as this as#hole..he needs to move the heck on..
He is totally inappropriate. Totally. It isnt you...its him. And yes, he is trying to take advantage.

I say this....bye Felicia. Ta ta..farewell..arrivederci. Dont let the door hit you on the way out.

You got this, M.

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Haha! Love you, uR!

BYE FELICIA!

That's all that needs to be said.

Perfect.

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Mighty,
I'm w/uRWorthy on this one. Shut this man down. In his mind, he thinks because you've been nice and communicating w/him, that it's okay for him to continue to call and text you. He thinks you are interested in him. SHUT HIM DOWN! If you don't, he will continue to call and text you. Also, he may very well continue to show up wherever you are w/excuses of bumping into you. He wants attention, ego stroking, etc., because his wife has a battle on her hands w/cancer. He's not getting that attention at home and because you are a nice lady and have been friendly towards him, his mind is in overdrive thinking you might be interested in him even though you've not indicated that you have. Be careful...in some cases, this is how stalking begins.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Quote:
Be careful...in some cases, this is how stalking begins.


Just stopped by for a glance and read this latest...I agree with Job.

In fact, my first thought was...scary guy. And, he knows you are living alone. He sounds like someone who could come unhinged fairly easily and/or have some strange assumptions about a "non-existent" relationship with you. Be careful Mighty.

If he keeps it up, reach out to friends and maybe even report it to the police...IDK? Never been in this situation.

We seem to attract some weirdos, initially, when we are recovering from all of this. Maybe they sense our vulnerability? Just thinking aloud.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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Well. living with an 18 year old son at home hardly constitutes "living alone". And I think it's a big jump to stalking.

Nonetheless, it's important to be completely clear with people like this. Something along the lines of:

"I'm sorry if I've given you the wrong impression, but I'm not interested in you and I think it is highly inappropriate for you, as a married man, to be contacting me like this. Please stop."

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Hi guys. Thanks for all of your input on this. I see valid points with what everyone said.

Here is the bottom line. It is inappropriate, and it makes me uncomfortable.

And here is what I am learning about me. When I get pissed, I am firm. And people knew where I stood. Yet, when I'm uncomfortable, I don't always let that be known. I make a joke, brush it off. Maybe I'm not used to being uncomfortable... not much stuff makes me feel that way. So, especially if I'm caught off guard, I think I just joke it off, remove myself, and hope it goes away.

Now, I thought I was clear previously by saying no, go home to your wife, not gonna happen, and ignoring other inappropriate things. But, I guess not everyone is that easy. And, was it job who said he has created this image in his mind?!

That seems to be exactly right! Like he has created this scenario in his mind of what he wants and is going with is... not realizing... its not. Maybe I am way off here. Maybe he is just like this with everyone. Either way, it isn't going to continue. And I dont' want to make a bigger deal about it than it is.

It has just been a learning process for me. And i think, more than anything, I am annoyed that someone I considered a friend was so inappropriate knowing what I am dealing with. And what really ticked me off the most was him telling me what to do.

I do think he got the point. He came to see me first thing this morning... I was busy and just said hi and kept doing what I was doing without really looking. Then later, he came into a room he didn't know i was in. And... it was a little awkward. Then he starts in with, "What's your deal with not listening to your voice mail?" He knew before I didn't bc he gave me shid about inbox full. And he was telling me how awesome the message was. I just said I dont' care and I wasn't going to. I saw him a few other times, and it was just weird. Didn't really speak.

If he addresses me alone, I will break it down. Like I said, I may not be good when I'm uncomfortable, but perfectly capable when I'm upset, annoyed, or pissed... I've reached that point.

OK, too much time on that... but... it's a growing pain for me. Plus, interesting to see what I've awoken to.

Now, with that said, there is another person who I believe is reading my posts here. I am super annoyed about it. I have thought it for a very long time, but, like I've said before, didn't put much care or concern into much. I just was better off saying... naw. It's ok. Living in naive ignorance. It was easier.

During a conversation, it came up that I do have a group of people I confide in. And... my name (here) came up... bc we kept coming across it (not online... but while hanging out). It was an honest conversation. Not telling about this, but just in conversation. And, I didn't think too much about it... again... ignorant that it is all out there!

Now, red flags abound.... many other things. But cyber stalking people in my sitch. Frequent drive-bys of people in the sitch. Simply for entertainment purposes. I have been told, randomly, by this person, Oh yeah... blah, blah, blah.... I knew that bc I was bored last night and cyber stalking hww.

I know this person knows stuff they don't tell me. But, also casually throw things in there.

I know! What am I doing??!!

Here's the thing. I know I am putting it all out there, but at the same time... this is very personal. And as a friend, I would expect to have that respected. I never gave the forum, and had even said I don't post anymore (after I said it).

Now, I'm annoyed about it. I feel like you wouldn't eavesdrop on your friend's counseling session or read their diary or medical records or anything like that. So, what's the difference?

Maybe I have turned into a paranoid freak? But, I'm not paranoid, really. I'm just reassessing whom I choose to have in my life. What benefits do I gain.

So, this person, perhaps, is probably going to read this tonight. I get that vibe. Especially after last night's post. But hey... don't bother asking me what's wrong. Now you know.

One more thing....

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OK, here is the one more thing....

Just posting on my mental and emotional location. Things that are good are just that. Good. I have the strength to appreciate and value them.

Still on a bit of an emotional boomerang. Back and forth. Pretty good, but... well... you know.

I mean, as I enter acceptance, I still find that what has happened is still unbelievable. When I think about what we were, I just can't believe we are here. That he could do this to me and my kids.

Having thoughts of revenge. Not that I'm going to. I mean, I'm not going to drive anyone into a tree, but... my mind is pretty creative.

When I read about that way back after nuke, the whole revenge thing, I remember thinking that I never even felt that. And how I was surprised that I didn't. Well.....

Is it normal? Am I further behind than I thought? Again... the same thing still bugs me. This show of a perfect family and kids. I mean... she really pulls out all the stops of portraying, really, what she believes she has! I mean seriously... don't you guys know??? It her world, and we are all living in it?

Naw... not really. I know this. I don't feel overly emotional about it. I just feel... creative.

I think I know why I don't sleep. I'm afraid to. I hate to sleep. I dread it. Yet, I am always tired. Even when I am bed and it's 3AM and my eyes are burning... I don't want to sleep.

Because then I can't control my thoughts. I always wake up about 10 min after I fall asleep with a jolt and horrific thoughts burning in my mind and my adrenaline is pumping... so I spend hours after that like a mental prisoner of war. So... I'd rather not sleep.

Other than that. Life is fabulous.

Oh, except this dummy... my mind is so out of it. Add to it my blonde moments...

Today I got up the courage to go to the grocery store. I cant remember the last time I've been in this place. Even when I think I'm going to go and plan it, I don't. I'm always afraid of running into someone and I am afraid it won't end good.

But I went! And owned it. But, I realized I was talking to myself for the majority of the time. When I saw some kid looking at me like I was crazy, I realized I had been doing it for awhile. Aaaahhhhh!!!!!

Then, as I was leaving... omg... there was a rubber stop sign in the walkway in front of the store- about 4 feet tall. I drove into it, over it, and it popped up on the side of my car and I had no option but to continue driving over it again with my back end. Duh. There was a guy driving up in the other direction. He put his hand over his mouth and made bug eyes and laughed. I got out and he said, "I think you're fine, I'd just leave." I checked it out, and it was, but I also know my mind was highly distracted... and i think I was talking to myself again.

OMG, you guys, if I start accumulating cats next... we have a serious problem. As of now, I have zero of them. Let's keep it that way. If I ever post that I'm getting one, please send reinforcements. I don't want to be that lady.

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Just be careful and extra safe Mighty.

Remember the nerdy student I tutored, looked like a wishy-washy pushover dork? Well, he obsessed about things and seemed to misunderstand all sorts of social cues. He ended up raping a 6-year-old in my living room while I was outside with 8 kids and my college student assistant.

I think we give off a weird vibe initially when we digest all this trauma. Just my .02


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

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Originally Posted By: Mighty
Now, with that said, there is another person who I believe is reading my posts here. I am super annoyed about it. I have thought it for a very long time, but, like I've said before, didn't put much care or concern into much. I just was better off saying... naw. It's ok. Living in naive ignorance. It was easier.

During a conversation, it came up that I do have a group of people I confide in. And... my name (here) came up... bc we kept coming across it (not online... but while hanging out). It was an honest conversation. Not telling about this, but just in conversation. And, I didn't think too much about it... again... ignorant that it is all out there!

Now, red flags abound.... many other things. But cyber stalking people in my sitch. Frequent drive-bys of people in the sitch. Simply for entertainment purposes. I have been told, randomly, by this person, Oh yeah... blah, blah, blah.... I knew that bc I was bored last night and cyber stalking hww.

I know this person knows stuff they don't tell me. But, also casually throw things in there.


Hi Mighty,

Maybe you could private message the moderator the name of the person you think is invading your privacy. Everyone registers on this web site so the moderator has our email address.

The moderator can check the name (and if you have it--the email address).

If you are correct--the moderator can decide how to handle your concern. If you are wrong the moderator might be able to put your mind at ease.

Just a thought.


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I think I saw a cat-starter kit somewhere on the web today. If you need ideas smile

As for the guy? Like you need that cr*p. Nip it in the bud and stop responding. You've told him to stop, he hasn't. So stop responding. See if he gets the message. If not, you may need to take more affirmative action.

Talking to yourself? Are you getting enough alone time, Mighty? Obviously not enough sleep - that is going to need some work, yeah?

How's the exercise? That may help more than you realize. Getting some real aggression out via hard exercise can be really helpful if you're not doing that already.

You NEED to take care of you. Be a little bit selfish about that. Put the rest on a shelf and let it go if even for a night or two. The sleep will do you a lot of good. I've been there (as has many of us) and it's much better with proper sleep, chica. Nothing, other than your kids, are worth not taking care of yourself.



AJ


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Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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Yup, M, bottom line - inappropriate and makes you uncomfortable means it needs to stop. Good on you for being prepared to do that.

I am sorry someone is reading you on here. That isnt appropriate or necessary either. Shame on them. I know its a public forum, but, if they are a friend they shouldnt be doing it.

As far as the revenge thing..I wouldnt worry about it, so long as it isnt something you are always thinking about or plotting. smile.
;
You will let go of that as you continue to move forward. After awhile, it is will be like...who the heck cares what they do? They have to live with themselves. You just need to stay away so you dont get any of it on you.

Ok, so I promise you I will not let you get any cats. But you have to promise me you wont run over any more innocent signs. Deal? smile

You are doing great, M. You are where you are supposed to be...on your way to being where you need to be.

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Mighty,

I would definitely put a quick, in your face stop to this guy. Not talking or responding does not always work. I found this out a long time ago. I took a girl out in my youth for a movie date. did not click with me. She started calling me. I was nice, but did not encourage her. She started calling every night. I finally stopped taking her calls and had my parents answer. She called every night for almost a year without me taking her call or talking to her. She started showing up at places I was at and causing trouble that ended up in police being called to talk to her a few times. I should have had her charged with stalking, but was young and not as worldly as I am today. I would confront this guy with a witness. Tell him he is being to pushy and you are not interested. Explain to him that you will take the appropriate steps if he does not back off.


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Mighty,
I'm sorry you have someone reading your postings here. The best thing to do is disappear for a while and return under a new name. As for notifying the moderator...as I recall, anyone can view the forum w/o registering. This seems to be the norm for many of the forums in the cyber world. Yes, it would help a great deal if the forum was only available to those who log in and it would make it a bit safer...but you still would have those "lurkers" and/or "trolls" hanging around.

Mighty, if you are uncomfortable w/people in your real world reading your postings, change your forum name to something unique and don't post what your former user name was. We will find you.

As for the pesky guy, I agree w/Lifes Twists in confronting this guy w/a witness and just lay it out there that you are not interested in him or hooking up w/him. If you state you don't like him being pushy, he will take that to mean you like someone who is more subtle, etc. They don't hear what you are saying and the only way to shut them down is to say no/not interested and leave it be. The more you dance around the situation, the more determined he will be to have that contact w/you because he thinks that there is still hope.

I do hope that today is a better one for you.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Mighty,
One more thing to address w/this guy...advise him not to give out your telephone number to anyone. That is your business to give out, not his. That really stepped over the line and you don't need strangers, especially men, calling your home number w/o you know who they are.

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Hey my peeps!

Heather, it really is a scary thought at how we can truly misread someone like that. Although, who would ever expect that kind of behavior from anyone? Well... we are learning the hard way, huh?

Hope- hey there! Hope you are well. I don't think you have to register to read posts. But, I'm not so disheartened by the posts as I am by the lack of respect. So, for now, I will remain status quo.

AJ- the cat starter kit? So funny. I may have a real problem here... in the store, I was not only talking to myself, buy I had the hands going and everything. WHAT??!! I am turning into THAT lady! Yikes! Yeah... back to the exercise. D14 asked about kick boxing this week. We missed the last registration. So, I will look into the next session. I plan on taking another session of yoga this summer, and would love to take tennis lessons. With the weather getting better, I'm feeling more motivated to get back into running.

My brother was just assigned an athletic director position this week. He is already on me about coaching. I've been asked several times in the past, but with my kids in sports elsewhere, I didn't want to miss that. So, I'd consider that in the future. Right now I want to watch d14, but I'm sure the next few years will go so quickly. I don't want to rush them!!!
Oh, and don't worry about my brother already trying to recruit me or anything. It's not nepotism or anything.. there is just no one else available!

LT- what a psycho! Get a clue, girl! I actually told a girl once to settle down and play a little hard to get. I tried to be as nice as possible- from one girl to another, but she was making a mockery out of herself the way she was coming for my son 24/7. Geesh!



uR- my revenge thoughts aren't anything scary. More humorous to me than anything. Like, how upset she would be to have her truth revealed. She is a victim- of reality. But does an excellent job of living in denial. Oh well.... whatever. I'm sure I won't think about it at all at some point. I have moments where I am at that place, so I know it's not impossible.

Thanks for being on cat guard for me. And yeah... the innocent sign... I'm an idiot.

job- I think I've made my point so far. I am on watch thought and will be sure to set it straight, as clearly as possible if needed. And he hasn't given my number out, he makes jokes in disguise voices thinking its funny. Like a generic Fire Marshall Bill or something.

I don't think it will broach full stalker status, just inappropriate. I actually did have a stalker last year and it scared the crap out of me. I bout a weight set off him for my s after xh took the one here. My friend set it up. The next day he was at my house. She told him where I lived! I was so freaked out. I almost died! Plus I was still married- it was before nuke. I wasn't happy. Then he started driving by all the time. And would sit out front of my house. My kids would be here but didn't know. I was a afraid s18 was going to go ham on him if he realized. He would tell my friend he wanted my number. I made it so clear not to. Then finally I said that if I say him come by my house again, I'd call the police. Now, my friend just got another reminder of that. Another flag.

Xh is still continuing his childish behavior. D14 told me last night xh texts her dumb stuff all the time. Like, "Hi" just randomly. He has not idea what he is doing. I think he needs constant attention and reassurance. She doesn't respond much. Well doesn't go out of her way. And last night she said she didn't respond at all that day. Then he asked, "are you mad too?"

Then he says, "cool" all the time to her. That's what he said to me on her birthday when I didn't include him. "You're cool." "Annoying" that was his response.

Today she said she had this exchange:

xh: Do you have more than one game per week?

d14: I don't know.

xh: cool...

xh: Do you have plans this weekend?

d14: yes

xh: cool...

d14: why do you always say cool and do ... ?

xh: annoyed

d14: OK. Have fun being annoyed!!

She came and shared that w s18 and I. They talked for about 30 seconds about it. I shrugged.

And I'm pretty sure he drove by tonight. Late. He admitted he always used to. But I hadn't really noticed before. Not after nuke, anyway. But now? I just can't imagine it. Diaper run and a detour? Who cares.

I don't worry so much about what he is doing now. Most of my thinking is the hurt. The past. Trying to heal. I guess that's what this is.

I do notice that he is in the exact same position. At least that's how it feels. The only difference is that the baby is born. So, I'm sure that changes things for him. But the reality is that it feels the same, as far as the feeling I have.

That may not make sense, but I think there is an innate vibe... a feeling... a connection to something a little deeper with them. Not that we know or understand.. but can feel their turmoil or something. But the actions and situation is exactly where he was before he came back. Exactly in the same spot. He didn't learn a friggin thing. And he still expects everyone to just go along with his choices with no questions or feelings about it.

Blah. I'm not worried about it. I'm moving on. Like molasses.. but soon I will be a sugar snap. Just gotta bake.

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Originally Posted By: Mighty

xh: Do you have more than one game per week?

d14: I don't know.

xh: cool...

xh: Do you have plans this weekend?

d14: yes

xh: cool...

d14: why do you always say cool and do ... ?

xh: annoyed



Wowwwww eek


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Thank goodness your daughter has you, Mighty.


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Mighty,

I just stopped by to let you know, that I really really really really like where you are headed....and I'm smiling big. smile

It is a tough road, for sure. I see things changing in you little by little. Keep going, girlie. One small step at a time. You'll see. I have no doubt. wink

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Thank you so much hope and shining!

Well.... He broke his silence. It's been over two months. The longest ever. He texted something about s18s grades being bad. I didn't open the text, so I'm not entirely sure.

The ironic thing is the s18s report card came yesterday. It was the best he has done since bomb. It was actually decent. Not high 90s like it used to be- but, hey, I'll take it. And, maybe there is a coincidence that not only has this been his best report, but he hasn't spoken to xh through the marking period, where he had some communication previously. S18 seems more settled, comfortable, and mature, and I'm proud of his growth.

Anyway, when I saw he texted me, I was shocked. Not prepared. I'm not going to respond. That ship has sailed. I did get some anxiety, but nothing- not even remotely close to what it was like before. I am so glad for that.

But, as I realize there will be more seeing him now, I feel disappointed. It is such a bummer... The thing I love so much is watching my kids play sports (or whatever they are involved in). And now, I have to endure his presence. I know I will work it out for myself- but it does stink. It shouldn't be like that. For so many reasons.

Today is d14s first lax game of the season. So, I guess I will have to get used to it. It was such a nice break.

Gotta bundle up- snowed yesterday. Brrrrrrr!

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Mighty, you make sure when you do see him to remember this. You did nothing wrong and walk like you know it.

Fake it til you make it, sweetie. I mean it. Walk tall at these events...with confidence and at..ti..tude.

Dont let him take one more thing from you. You enjoy watching your kids and pay him no mind.

You got this, M. I will get out my freakin cheerleading outfit if I have to...and apologize before hand. LOL!

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I totally agree w/uR...you've got this and do not allow him to take anything more from you.

Stand up straight, keep that back straight and smile and say hi to people you know. Don't let him see you sweat!

You've got this!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Hey uR & job. The game was cooooooollld! So cold! I was bundled up. D14 scored 5 goals! I am in the parking lot now... Just dropped her and 2 friends off at Panera.

I didn't see xh. But d14 said she saw him and she didn't look in that direction again bc it made her sick. And he looked weird. He was dressed weird.

Ahhhhh.... Some things don't change. Including the spending of money for someone who has none.

I was fine. I am fine. Just hearing that makes me feel a little upset, but that's just a a normal feeling these days!

Gonna keep doing me. Got some plans coming up and more in the works.

I know one thing for sure. I am so much better without contact. I could be ok without seeing him again. It sounds harsh. But it's not in anger. I want to have our memories as good one. Then end it there.

Now, he offers me nothing but pain and hurt. That is it. Not one ounce more. I don't want that in my life anymore. I am healing from the wounds. Cleaning up the mess. And I want to leave it alone once it's done. I don't need it to continue. Seeing him, texts, anything to do with him today is only a painful reminder of who he has become.

I just want to gracefully fade away from him. Or.... Slam the friggin door. Lock it. Pad lock it. Chain it. Bolt it. Kick it with the bottom of my foot to make sure it's closed tightly. And for good measure... Put a dead end sign on it.

Aaaahhhhhhhh.... Deep breath..... And relax.

Things are ok.

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Look at D! That's awesome. And I love me some Panera.

Mighty, you are doing so well. You seem to be hitting your stride...probably in boots cause it's not full on sandal season where you are.

Hugs to you:)



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Hey Mighty - sounds like you're doing awesome. I totally agree with the doing better without any contact thing. As hard as it is, I start to focus so much more on my own life than what he's doing. I have had enough of the 'spinning' and I now know what sets me off. I don't want to waste any more days spinning - I think we've both had enough of those days. Keep doin' what you're doin' Mighty. You're on your way. (P.S. - I talk to myself too sometimes. I run across people at the store doing it too!)


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Quote:
I didn't see xh. But d14 said she saw him and she didn't look in that direction again bc it made her sick. And he looked weird. He was dressed weird


Lol - maybe he was wearing a raspberry beret, as one MLCer here famously did smile

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D@rn, kml beat me to this… I was just going to mention the raspberry beret, LOL.


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Hi gb & live- thanks for the props! Live, next time I will think that I am talking to you, knowing you are somewhere talking back! Gb.... Boots to sandals and back to boots. Darn it!

Ellie & bright- no. No. Stop. Wait... A... No.. Like, really... No. A raspberry beret?? The kind you find in a second hand store?

Wow.

I don't think he looked THAT weird. But it makes me laugh just thinking about it.

Overload yesterday.... Text, game, d14 talking about him... The. Bil called me last night. Whew! He's great. Love him to death. He has made it clear that we are family forever. He lives out of state. I haven't spoken to him in a few months. I am pretty sure he is trying to stay clear of the drama. Who can blame him? I am too! He just said he doesn't really talk to xh about that stuff anymore. Weather it's true or not, I'm not worried about it. I know it's the only person xh has to talk to and trusts. But I'm not really thinking about it. He just said xh made a decision and it is what it is. Makes me a little sick. But I know it's the truth. Whatever - not even going to go there.

Still dreaming about this baby.... Ugh.... Wish it would stop!

Happy Friday!

Peace

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You're doing great, M.

I want you to hold onto these thoughts. You will not always feel as you do now. One day, you will feel peace and joy. I know that feels a long way off, but, it will happen.

Mighty, all of the emotions we feel going through this help to propel us forward, if we let them.

The anger, the sadness and disbelief..all of them. It is when we hold onto any one that we stay stuck. We dont want to live in them.

It is important to try to remember, when you are able, that the years you spent with him are real. They matter.

Who he is now is not the man you loved for so long. It is sad, really, who they become. But I always tried to think, when I could, about how that must be for them. I could not imagine becoming someone totally different than who I was and act in a way completely different than what I once believed was right.

So, I get the anger for you right now. It keeps the emotions from completely getting through.

But there will be a day when you are good and strong, where you could remember those days with love. It's important to do that for a few reasons. If you dont, you become bitter and angry. If you dont, then you dont honor the marriage as it was. If you dont, you become someone you dont really want to be.

You arent there yet, but, I know you will be one day.

I have placed my marriage and its memories safely in a box and stored in lovingly on a shelf.

I have, after much time and a lot of work, learned to forgive my xh. I have separated all that he did from the person he once was.

I am not going to lie, I still can get a bit angry from time to time when I continue to struggle financially from his actions, but, it is fleeting now.

I wish you peace one day, M, because you deserve it. I wish you strength because you are capable of so much of it. I wish for you to realize just how magnificent you are.

But mostly, I wish that you see yourself as we do. Someone filled with such heart and love and compassion. Someone who is ok after such enormous pain and heartache.

Keep moving forward, M. The world awaits...lucky world.

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Hi uR. I just had this post I'd typed to you. You know- one of the most amazing ones ever (ok, so it wasn't, but who'd know?) and it went- poof! Be-gone!

The crux of it was..... Well first, thank you for your post. It was really, really nice. Towards the end.. I had tears in my eyes.

And then something happened- I went a bit on a tangent (surprised?) about how I just feel so uncomfortable w compliments. Even physically uncomfortable. I am so insecure these days about that kind of thing. I'm not bringing this up for attention or bc I feel sorry for myself or anything like that. I just have physical pains when someone says something nice to me and I just don't know what to believe about anything any more.

Let me add- this sounds a lot more screwed up than I am... I think....

Just doing a little internal digging.

Anyway. uR- I know you don't say things you don't mean, and you are not obligated to say anything nice- or anything at all, for that matter. However, I just have a hard time when someone says something nice about me. I feel like they have to bc they are my friend or it just seems like the right thing to do.

I'm also not devulging this bc I feel sorry for myself. That's not the case at all. I'm not a victim of anything other than circumstance. And that's not a victim. It just happens to be my life right now. We all have things. But, more so, I guess, is that I am ok- I'm not crying about my flaws I am who I am. But when taken out of that comfort zone, and getting a compliment or something... Eeeks! What is wrong?

Ok, uR, the box analogy. Exactly how I picture it with my marriage. I wrapped up that part of my past in a box w a pretty ribbon. I want to preserve it. It's a wonderful thing. Everything from that point until now- I want to release it. Be gone! I don't want that in my life! That's why it's so hard to see xh now. What he represents is pain now. This stranger who he has become is not the guy in the box, and I don't want him in my life.

The past few days have been ok. I see my life further and further from him. It makes me very sad if I really think about it like that, but it feels good to be moving on w my own life. I have though here and there- wondered if he is truly happy there. It's so hard to imagine, yet, I just don't know him anymore. Maybe he was lying to me when he said he was miserable there, it doesn't feel like it, but who really knows? I don't think he would have gone back if he didn't see a future. But, I also don't think he thinks long-term either. But he saw something. It's not easy, but, it's that way and so.... Whatever.

I know he is in crisis, but I mean, really? I can't even....

I have plans. Been doing much more. However, coming home alone can be sad. When you are w people and having a good time- coming home to a silent dark house, then trying to fill the time with the same happiness you were just feeling around others- and now you are alone. Ick. I'm a people person. That's one of my biggest challenges. And yet, I have my guard up like I'm Fort Knox and don't know if I'd ever let anyone in.

Crap. I should move in w a therapist. I'd be like Bill Murray in What About Bob.

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Mighty, I am from Brooklyn. We mean what we say, we say what we mean. Its just easier that way.

Being truthful is something extremely important to me. It always was..it is even more so since all of this happened.

So, please trust me when I say that I write from my heart, but, I dont say things just to be nice. That serves no one well.

I saw things in you from the start. And I want you to know that I completely understand what you mean when you say you have a hard time getting compliments from someone. I was like that my whole life. The truth is that I never felt I deserved them.

I realized, through a lot of hard work, that its ok to accept them. I would like to think that for the most part, people are sincere. I am not saying that there arent people who blow smoke up ones..you know. But mostly, people mean it.

It was a process to get there. And I still have trouble from time to time. It isnt easy to accept compliments for me. It is out of my comfort zone.

As far as your xh, I would venture to say that someone in crisis, in a relationshp built on lies and deceit, who has lost his relationship with his children and the person who had his back for years, isnt happy. How could he be? But, that isnt your problem, right?

I know its lonely coming home to a quiet house. Trust me, I do.
And I so get the walls being up. Did I tell you that I mastered in walls? Got a PHD in it. Still my achilles heal, to be honest. It's how I survived my difficult life. I grew to like my walls. They were pretty colors. smile.

This journey helped me to take them down..sometimes a brick at a time, sometimes whole rows. If I am honest, they arent down all the way. It is my go to..its what I know. But I am getting there... and you will, too.

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Hey ya'll! Geesh! Lotsa good discussions on the board these days. And some newbies. It's hard for me to respond sometimes. I feel, like my hot momma friend GB, who has so much to offer, but I question what can I say to anyone? Then, sometimes, it stings so much to read, as it brings me back to a place I'm not fully prepared to address. For my own personal... weaknesses?

Anyway, there are some amazing people who I see coming so far. And doing so well with the craziness of dealing with MLC land.

I question so many things all the time now. Like... every thing.

But first, I want to say that things with me are ok. My GAL is gaining momentum. And... I'm finding some new things to participate it, which I'm pretty excited about. However, as good and as excited as I get, I still get moments of hesitation, withdrawal, and a feeling of... well... I don't need to... I see myself find an excuse of why not to... but, I'm definitely overcoming that. Xh was master of it. I wasn't. Prior, that is. But, I found a way to adapt some of his behaviors throughout the years. I always wanted him to be more comfortable than I cared about myself. Add those habits to my new found insecurities, and well.... its been interesting trying to re-establish myself. I've found- really, just don't put too much thought into it. And, I'm not using the above as an excuse... just my feelings I've noticed. And, hey, you can't change what you don't acknowledge, right?

Went for a run tonight. It's been quite awhile. And with that, I didn't think about it. I just jumped up, threw on a pair of sneakers, threw in my earbuds and took off.

The kids and I are really becoming so close. We always have, but with a different dynamic. For so long, especially last year this time... there was such an obvious void. Then things got pretty crazy for awhile. Now, we just enjoy ourselves like this. And we are much more relaxed. (S18 even said its better this way w/o xh's intensity) It made me sad, and if I could have things the way they used to be....well...I don't entirely know... I'd have to rethink that thought.

But, anyway, we enjoy each other, and I think we quietly acknowledge it now. How much we enjoy the new dynamic. We all have the same sense of humor.

On the other side of the coin, I still think of xh. And I realized that i think there is still a small percentage of me thinking of his regrets. Perhaps that is, in a way, still holding me back in a way. As I move on... move forward... there are still some things that pull me tightly. Some things that I still need to cut lose. I think, wondering of his regrets is part of it.

Since bd- my heart has gone out to him. More than anything, I put his feelings first. How terrible he must feel. I saw how torn he was. But, maybe now, I am starting to look at things differently, maybe some of it was show. He must have been riding high at some points with her. He just didn't show that to me. In fact, I gave him so much slack, he had the opportunity to do whatever... i just went with his word.

But, what I saw was the tormented side. I got the real him. What I knew. The struggle. I didn't know exactly what or why, but my heart went out to him. I knew he needed space and time to figure it out.

He didn't. Nor did he have space or time.

So when the nuke hit... dang it... my heart was still with him. I knew- that's not what he wanted! Crap! What now?

Disaster.

That's what.

So... I spent months... well... a year... giving him what he "wanted" space. Even though he continued to try to contact. I gave him what he wanted. And. What he was told. It is so clear to see the control she had. But... whatever... she sukks.. so who cares about that.

Now... after getting an ear full of that... part of me still goes a little crazy. Now... it is a little.. but a little is enough to drive you crazy!

I just want to move on. I really do. He. The person I knew. My husband. That guy seems so remote from my life now. But the person he was is still so close to my heart and spirit. But where is he? I just can't even imagine an appearance.

And, what I have to go on now- is actions. That's it. And.. they say a lot. So why is there still part of me that wonders what he thinks?

Is it bc he still texts d14 and is adamant to know what she is doing? And not in a way to know about her... but what "we" are doing?

Is it bc I am pretty sure I still see him drive by the house?

Is it bc he still tried to keep daily contact w me- but I had to totally cut him off?

Is it bc the last time we talked in person he cried and said he didn't know what he was doing?

Is it bc he said he has feelings for me?

Is it bc everything he said to me over those months were the thoughts I had and though he was feeling over the months he was gone?

BC he admitted he did this bc he was depressed and thought he was in a MLC and asked me what was going to happen to him next?

Mabye bc I cant believe the guy I spent all of my adult life and more than half my life w, I can't see him really being happy...

That he has done to my kids what he said more times than I can count, "I would never do that to them." "I just look at them and wonder how my dad could have done that."

Maybe bc I feel in my heart, so deeply, that this is so wrong and that I know he feels it too.

And yet... am I delusional? He has a new family. He has a child with this.... thing. He lives in a beautiful house with her and her son and their daughter. He is not even a father to our children anymore. We divorced via one text, "I made an appointment with a mediator." without ANY discussion! And we didn't even see a mediator, we talked, over the phone, while he was in monstser- and out of town- as I wrote things in a notebook, and had a lawyer draw it up, and that was it.

He went to my l office, signed the document there w/o reading it, (which my l said it would never happen) and that was it. It takes 30 days in my state. No discussion needed.

Done.

Clearly, he does not respect me. Our marriage. Our family. My children. Our history. Our 20 years together. What was our future. Everything we worked for- from poverty.

Wow. Where is this coming from? I have let it go.. as in... let it out over the last 9 months... and yet, it still seeps out. Not like it did... that was a rushing waterfall.

So, when I see him drive by, what am I to think? I don't think much, but I do think, in a way, it does hold part of me back. I feel for him. So much. I think it tears me up so much. But, I have to remember how much he has hurt me. The choices he has made, which has hurt me and my kids so much. Damn it. Where is this coming from right now? UGH!

I see the pain in my kids. I know they hurt. They are like me though and make jokes. I just don't know what to do. I mean, we have established ourselves as a family revised. And we are doing so well together. We love and respect each other so much. But, I worry what is really brewing inside. I dont' think they know nor know how to access it right now. S18 had his period of rebellion from it. But, what else is to come?

I just don't know. I am so ready to move on. My kids are ready to move on. Does my empathy towards xh still hold me back? Is part of me still stuck?

Geesh... this is tough stuff. Mostly I'm OK. The fact that he has a new family remix is really confusing and hard to really wrap my head around still. It throws me in so many directions... it's kind of crazy. It's a true emotional f.

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Yes it is, Mighty. But honestly, I think it starts with wanting to let go. Then you do.

How's the rest and quiet time coming along? Still making time for that?

Keep up the exercise. Don't stop doing that as it will help to release the frustration and anger.

Peace,
AJ


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Hi, AJ, my buddy! And, I totally... TOTALLY get what you are saying about forgiveness. I just get it. And... that's where I'm at, ironically... the letting go. I can let go and be OK. Where the forgiveness fits in, is when I see action from him. That's where it's funny.. he showed remorse and apologized... then did it again. So... forgiveness isn't an option now. Perhaps in the future we will get to that point. I do think he feels a sort of remorse for hurting me... not for his actions... but whatever. Right now it's about letting go.

I think you can get to a good, healthy place with acceptance. Without anger and bitterness. Still be pleasant... whatever..

I just want peace. I want separation from him. At this point, I feel like I want an eternity of it. But not in an angry, bitter way. Just bc I can't bear to see who he is now.

Anyway.. OMG, AJ! I looked into Maui Thai classes. I found a place, not too far away. I am so excited about it! As a teen, I always wanted to take boxing lessons... but... that's kind of dated now... and I found Maui Thai! It looks like a great place! I like that stuff. I like watching MMA, too. I got tickets in Chicago last year for xh and I to go... plane tickets and everything for xmas. He backed out the night before. (I know now, hww wouldn't let him go w his wife). Whatever... his loss. He loves that stuff too. Any way... my kids want to do it too. I found this place... and the instructor is soooooo hot! Ha! I know, I know. But if we are going to do it, its going to be THERE! Mmmm Hmmmm....

I am actually excited about it. My sleep has been a little better. I am fully aware that it is my thoughts that keep me awake. Not that I am thinking of things, necessarily, which keep me awake, it is the loss of control of thoughts when i fall asleep. I take 5-10 minute naps here and there.. I can fall into a deep sleep in a minute, only to be jolted awake with adrenaline pumping.

Not so fun, but I'm sure it will get better. Plus, I'm sick of looking like crap. I want to look better, so I know I need sleep!

Are you sorry you asked? Yeesh...

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Mighty....
Let go or be dragged, girlfriend. I totally understand how difficult it is to turn off the concern for a long time spouse. You spent so much of your life looking out for him and his wellbeing.

But he fired you from that job. And more than that, he had the opportunity to come home, and he still chose to go back there instead.

He's not your responsibility any more. Perhaps this tough road is just the path he has to walk. You need to keep the focus on creating a fabulous new life for yourself and your kids.

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Ok, M, I am going to keep it real because you deserve nothing less.

What I "hear" between the lines is that you are still blaming yourself. You are still wondering if you stopping contact influenced him to leave.

You are also thinking that his actions now may mean something.

I get it, M. I do. You are still hurt, still grieving. But I dont want to see you going round and round in your head with that kind of thinking.

Because the truth of it is, he is in crisis. That said, he still has to own his actions.

You could think all day about the coulda, shoulda, wouldas. But that just makes you crazy.

This is a process for you, M. You cant hurry it along. You can help it by stopping those thoughts because it doesnt serve you well.

You could have been perfect, it wouldnt have mattered. Thats because this is something that was destined to happen.

Please try to believe that there was nothing you could have done to stop this.

No amount of loving him could have stopped it.

He has to go through this. You have to let him.

Its ok to have empathy for him. Thats who you are.

What isnt good is for you to blame yourself. What isnt good is for you to read his actions as meaning anything.

He is messed up and confused.

Its ok for you to think about Mighty. Its ok for you to remember your marriage with love.

But you do need to try to let go of wondering the what ifs. That isnt good for you.

This is your life right now, M. Time to begin to live it. Leave him to his.

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Ellie- Amen, sista! I do want to be totally detached. TOTALLY! Something.... something is still keeping me attached. Not totally... but there is something underlying... in the background- hidden. I don't worry about what he's doing. I've released him from my mind to go live his life. I want to be free... but there is that small percentage that lingers. Often unnoticed. I wonder if that truly ever goes away?

I think just seeing him drive by again yesterday messes with me a little. Not that it bothers me. It just makes my brain start thinking like, why does he want to check? Why did he make those decision? I'm better off not thinking. Because my brain is still processing. But then, it is changing in the way I think, too. I am putting him- his actions- into a different category. Maybe he wants to see if I'm where he left me and that makes him feel better? Well who knows, minder-reader I am... but I don't care. It only motivates me to say, NO you F'ER! I'm not, and you will see that, too!

But the putting him in a different category is also seeing him purely for his actions. ICK!

I feel like he is sooooooooooooooo far gone!

uR. You are right. I do blame myself for things. And I know I should have handled things so differently when he came around. Things rubbed me the wrong way... but for some stupid reason, I believed when he said he would never do that to me again and I had nothing to worry about, and that he wouldn't leave me again. He would never hurt me again. Honestly, I think he would have moved right in if I mentioned it. I think that's what he wanted. It wouldn't have worked. Not well. I knew that. But, I think I had belief that he wanted to work towards our m and, well.... said he would do whatever it takes... so maybe I felt a little too secure in that and... probably let loose a little more than I should have. I mean, I think I did OK, sometimes I was awesome! Especially at first. When the baby came, I was pretty dang strong for him that week. It tested me, for sure.
But I know when things changed. She went home on Friday. Paternity test still wasn't done. That Sunday, xh had plans w the kids. Hww called him Sunday morning to tell him that she was taking her son to visit his dad and her mom was going to watch the baby (First problem I had- why call him that morning- why last minute????) XH said, "Absolutely not!" He was going to watch the baby. So, what do you think he did? He called me to tell the kids he couldn't make it. He canceled his plans w them- bc hww called last minute and he rushed there. Everything-everyone-dropped for them. I didn't make a big deal about it. But, later I voiced my concern. But it was a huge red flag for me. And- that's the way it always was. And- that's the way it continues to be.

So Fukk 'em.

And, well.... there you have it. I don't want to play the drama games they do.

I really have mentally checked out. Emotionally... I'm almost there. WEll.... as far as detachment. I mean.. the other emotional stuff still has a journey. The morning of my family's loss and that stuff.

So. What am I gon' do? Well, I'm on the road to recovery. I still need support. I don't know why. Lots of things are falling into place. Things with work, with my kids... and a contractor came today to do some work on the house!!! Raise the roof!

But... d14 got a concussion tonight at her game... but was still able to get a hat trick, too!

Thanks for keeping it real, girls. He's on his own, as far as I'm concerned. I think he wanted me to do the work for him. That was a huge part of it. He just can't right now, and he needs someone to do it. I wasn't going to pick that up. I though he'd do it on his own... but he truly didn't have the strength. And, honestly, I don't know if he ever will. He's not emotionally strong, nor mature enough. He has always had a disposable mentality. About everything. Didn't think i'd be us... but, hey, nothing is safe. Nothing is sacred. Ah, well.... I'm better off then, right? So sad for him. I've gotta keep it moving.

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Mighty,

You called me hot and I love you for that alone, sweetness :-). Your sitch always leaves me feeling like I was on one of those universe forsaken roller coasters where you feel that your heart dropped to your colon and you are on the verge of throwing up. Actually, you were thrown up on and you have cleaned yourself up nicely. Please know, I don't say that to be hurtful, however you and your children have endured so much. And it's heartbreaking. However, you amaze me with your strength, resilience, and the empathy for your xh.

I think it's wonderful that you are so close to your kids. Good things can come out of sad circumstances. I don't know what your xh thinks, however he cannot take away how wonderful this next chapter of your life will be.

You are doing so well. You are a smart, funny, beautiful lady and a fantastic mother. Xh chose his path so let him walk it. And you walk yours in some super cute wedges.

Xo

Last edited by Georgiabelle; 04/28/15 12:52 AM.


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Quote:
And I know I should have handled things so differently when he came around
Really? You think so? I don't. But if you feel that way, then you need to forgive yourself and be done with that. Close the book on that item. Know that you did what you did with what you knew and did the best you could. End of story. You made your choices and lived them. He made his and has to live them. That's a control issue, girl. You cannot control his actions by doing something different. You never could.

Put that bit to rest, Ms Competitive smile

Maui Thai? Wow. That should be fun. Go for it! The bruises are one thing, but the exercise is what's really needed. It'll do you a world of good and help to release the tension. Just what the doc ordered.

AJ


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I agree Mighty

There was nothing you could have said or done or didn't do to "cause" all of this mess and heartache. I am so sorry for you. He sounds like a rotten apple, an apple that you will always love deep down a little bit in spite of everything.

Georgiabelle was right - your next chapter is going to be wonderful. Live it!


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Which reminds me. Something to think about Mighty. You did your best. You know that. It didn't work out as you hoped at the time.

Are you going to let it keep you from living a life worth living? A life of peace and joy? A life with pain, happiness, and everything in between? Or are you going to work to live the life you can look back on and be happy about? A life you can use to show your kids how to live?

At some point, you can't continue to punish yourself. You can't punish somebody else. You'll need to accept your life is where it is and play the hand you have.

Which is just how it's always been even if you didn't see it before. smile

Something to noodle. Since you're up anyway wink

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
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Oh my gosh, GB... thank you. You are so awesome and I love your support! I think you are amazing and doing so incredibly well.

AJ- My man! Hey... well you bring up some things that had me thinking... and of course I giggled when I read your post at 3AM, "Since you're up anyway" which made me laugh! BC... of course I was!

OK, so Heavy, thanks for joining me. Love your thoughts. So to you and AJ, yeah, you are right. I did what I did and xh is skrewed the f up! I am not going to beat myself up. But when I read things like Cali's sitch and feedback...etc... I know I was OK... but I think that the intensity of everything was so much more exemplified bc of the baby sitch.

Well... anyway... I find life is much easier NOT thinking bout that!

But, reading Notlikingthis's sitch is like OMG! It is like the same OW! I think that's what makes me crazy sometimes.. the entitlement of this chick... and her baby... the tactics...OMG.

However, I am doing much better at removing myself from those crazy thoughts. They do get to me at some point during the day...but...

I had a dream the other night and I swear... it had me enter the mind of MLC! It was crazy, but insightful.

I love my life a little more every day. I now pray to God to help me get over xh. It is VERY scary. I can't believe it. But, I know it is best for me. Even though it goes against every fiber of my being..

Xh seems to be... clueless. I mean... I just dont know what else to say. s18 has a new phone, so he was getting a couple of texts since the new phone wasnt blocked. Xh was texting him that he missed him.

D14 got one tonight that said somehthing like, You don't respond like you used to. Are you mad at me? It breaks my heart.

Now... I didn't go internally crazy in my mind- at all. Thank God! I let it roll. But, as I'm sure xh doesn't notice, I do! D14's text's became more scarce since he casually added that he was living w/ hww again. I mean, to me, it was obvious. His approach w the kids is flippant, and inconsiderate, and totally like... they should always go along w/ his choices. He does not see the correlation.

S18 just reblocked.

We continued to play Uno and joke and laugh... like it was a fly that came in the room momentarily to bother us and was gone. Sad, but grateful that I'm not sweating him anymore.

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Ok, Mighty, I am not going to let you off the hook..you are too important. So, I am again reading between the lines with the following...

Originally Posted By: Mighty
I am not going to beat myself up. But when I read things like Cali's sitch and feedback...etc... I know I was OK... but I think that the intensity of everything was so much more exemplified bc of the baby sitch.


When you write, but, it kind of negates everything that comes before it, ya know?

You cannot compare sitches. They are personal to the people in it. I just want to say that nothing you said or did could have stopped this from happening. I promise you that. This crisis was destined to happen. I know you feel that you could have handled things differently at times. Even if you did everything however perfectly looks in your head, he would have still had to go through this.

If you stop a crisis in the middle, it comes back stronger later on.

So, work on letting go your feelings of having done something wrong. That doesnt serve you well.

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Mighty,
Please read and re-read uRworthy's posting. She's 100% correct in telling you that there is nothing you could have done to stop his crisis. It wouldn't have mattered if he was married to a beautiful movie star or the Queen of England, it was destined to happen because of his childhood issues. Heck, he could have been a monk or a priest and it would still have happened. He could have been just a plain old single guy and it would have happened. His crisis is all about him and not you.

When you attempt to snatch them out of the crisis, they will eventually go back into crisis and it will be far worse than the first time around.

Mighty, you did absolutely nothing wrong, you can't fix something you didn't cause and/or break. Keep the focus on you and your healing. Your xh has to find a way to heal himself because he's the only one that can do it.


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The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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^^ X2

I get the compare thing ... I do .. I think we all do it looking for tips and tricks in others sitches. Thing is, and I even discussed this some with the W, we were talking about the A and the imapact the STD will have on the "what if" premise that we patch up our marriage. She was emotional and I said it could be worse, she did not see how, I explained she could have become pregnant. Its like she did not even consider that to be a possible result. Then she remarked "what if I was?" ... I told her bluntly and honestly that would have been a deal breaker for me, bad enough the STD is there for life as a reminder ... no way could I help raise a child or be around that .... that is where YOU are much stronger than I Mighty ... I could not have even considered it.

This MLC thing is just so cruel ... it is. And you have one who has yet to hit rock bottom, he did a serious touch and go on you and to be honest its not fair .... no one would wish this upon anybody. And yeah ... there is nothing I did, other than work on me ... truth is I still do not trust it, when it appeared she might be poking out I thought of your sitch, and I am still guarded and taking things extremely slowly. They are going to stay in the tunnel until it becomes unbearable, as bad as it is for us ... I think its 100x worse for them, I truly believe that.

Would you rather be in your shoes .. or his at this moment? Not to feel sorry for the guy, he made his choices and his bed and will have to deal with it for the rest of his life .. just as my W has ... but WE have the choice and the power to do with our lives whatever we would like. You can be as happy as you want knowing you did all you could ... there is peace in that.


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Whoa...

uR, job, and Cali,

Thank you so much. Truly. Those posts meant a lot to me. I know you are right. I just know that. And, truthfully, one of my best reminders I have to keep things in perspective is to think that I didn't try to manipulate or go crazy to make him stay. One thing I learned, for sure, is that if he wants to stay, he will. That the last thing I want is for someone to be around who doesn't want to. Nor do I want to put effort into someone who isn't willing to do the same.

The part that makes me question, I guess, is that if I went a little too far, then those will be the reminders he has of me. You know, like it takes 100 atta boys to make up for one darn you. But, you remind me... I'm human. And if he doesn't appreciate the strength it took for me to dig deep and be there for him through the toughest time in my life... well then...

I have much more clarity and that helps a lot, yet I do have my BUT moments where I... regress???? They are becoming less.

It is becoming an interesting transition.... I have seen and felt a lot of growth in myself. Very different experience from what I thought it was 6 months ago.

I hung out with some friends after work today. I didn't notice for awhile that I was the only girl. We were at my bro's house... and for the first time in forever... I realized that I am refinding me. I know it's weird and I thought I would become a totally different person before xh, bc we were together since teens. I mean... it sounds weird. But I only had brothers, and I was a tomboy. I always had tons of guy friends. Some of my best friends were guys.

I just see them as "the guys" and thats it! But, I am also noticing that I am keeping my eye out around guys i don't know.... Soooooo different from what I'm used to. I've never looked at other people like that bc I was so into my h. But I keep my friends separate- totally separate from that. I just realize how honest and genuine I am when it comes to that. Being aournd "the guys" is like being with my brother. I hate girl drama... yet I love girls who have fun and aren't like that. Love being with the guys... it's my comfort zone... my "home" like being with my brothers... but, i am finding a way to be around men too. Well... maybe not finding my way... but looking forward to. I'm in NO rush. Not at all. But... I just pay attention now. A little. For the first time in my life! I'm not sure what to do with myself... well... nothing now. But to think about how I would be eventually...

I know I sound lame. It sounds so silly. I'm not shy or anything... it is just so out of the ordinary. And, before, even with everything in my sitch, I still felt... I don't know... devoted? Sounds weird, right? Well... it's just going to be an interesting journey, that's what I see.

Xh is flailing in the wind. I am so glad I am removing myself from that. It feels better than ever. He still continued to email s18's teacher today and cc me on some of it. I am not getting all PTSD about it. I did get a little... but so much better!!!!!

The thing is, s18 and i have addressed the issue at school. Before xh sent an email. But, he continues to do... whatever. Then he texted s18 and I. I didn't even open it. I still communicated w s18. He was still doing what we addressed.

As a friend said... it's his only connection. It makes sense. And I was told that xh was contacting coaches at the hs to get d14's schedule and didn't know which team she was playing for. The coaches thought it was a little odd and knew something was weird about the sitch. Xh was trying to get her schedule or something and didn't know which team... I don't even know...

I mean, he royally changed things when hww didn't allow him to communicate w me. And now that he tries... I just don't bother. I know it seems passive agressive or something, but really, he set it up this way. He went along with it. I am not just going to play the games anymore. If I'm not good enough when she says... well then...

It is not in a immature way. In fact, it's the opposite. Im just done with it. There is no point.

So... s18 finally responded to xh. He texted him to leave him alone. He does not help him in his life and that it's just annoying. And to stop texting me bc I don't want to hear from him either.

I was blown away. S18 texted him from school as thats when xh was blowing up his phone or something... and his teacher... welll.... I was like... leave me out of it!!! Yikes! But really, I just told him not to engage in an argument. Bc xh's response was like "you are a tough guy" huh? I mean... something is SO UP WITH THIS! I mean... his interactions w/ s18, I believe, says a lot! He plays the victim w/ him, then blows up and calls him a tough guy. That's been the ongoing thing for months. It is so weird! And he always compared himself to his dad and him in the r with s18 and him. And would always say.... how could he do that to me? I look at s18 and wonder how he could do that. I could never do that to s18. And yet... it's worse! And he has some serious projection going on!

Well... S18 responded something along the lines: I tell everyone I don't have a dad. You can tell people you don't have a son. Leave me alone.

Then blocked him.

I had no idea this stuff was going on in the meantime. But now I get a sick feeling that somehting is about to happen. Xh has lost control. He thought he regained it... but... nope.

I don't know what's to come. I just want it removed from my life. I feel so badly for my kids, but just keep it bout the positive. We have lots of great things in life. I just want to focus on those. I just am not sure.... I don't want them to be hurt.

Yeesh...

Thanks for the lengthy vent...

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Mighty Offline OP
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Cali- your post is stuck in my head. I keep thinking about some things....


On a different note- anyone ever notice mlc's behavior in relation to full moon? Just a thought w one on the way.

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Yep, the full moon brings out all sorts of behavior, not just for the MLCers, but for others as well.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Hi job! I was thinking that... I guess since there have been some stirrings w xh lately. Well, he has been making contact in a round-about way recently. It could be a coincidence, but it had me thinking about how it could affect them. It actually wouldn't surprise me if some go all-out werewolf!

But... I think there is some really telling things in xh's behavior. I feel like he is regressing. I don't communicate w him, but the communication w s18 seems like it says a lot.

His immature responses continue. They have been going on big-time since February. He was doing it to both kids and I. Like, "you're cool" when he wouldn't get a response or didn't like it.

But, when xh came around, he was so apologetic w s18, yet when s18 didn't buy right into it, he was so combative w him.

And now it continues! And the biggest thing with "you think you're a tough guy" when s18 wasn't even going there.

So... w s18's response...

he told him he tells people he doesn't have a dad and he can tell people he doesn't have a son, xh's response was, "cool dude."

It is so weird. And to go from, you think you're a tough guy... to, cool dude. And the night before... I miss you s18.

I think there is some serious projection. I don't think he learned much of anything during his "touch and go."

It's so sad. I'm not letting it hold me back. Just was thinking about it. I'm about to go work on the layout of my kitchen.

Happy Saturday!

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Mighty - you know I had never thought about the moon, except as a joke, but thinking back the full moon coincides with my xh's most recent contacts . . . . . Oh well, let's wait and see

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Hey M, yep, its me nitpicking again...because I care. smile

Originally Posted By: Mighty

The part that makes me question, I guess, is that if I went a little too far, then those will be the reminders he has of me. You know, like it takes 100 atta boys to make up for one darn you.


First of all, he will not remember or misremember (dont think thats a word - lol) most of what transpired. And even if he doesnt, you really think you went too far given the circumstances??? Try really hard to get that out of your head, M. He will think what he will, but, you know your truth and that is what matters.

If he were to come through this, I would think what he will remember is that you were there for him for as long as you could be and if he doesnt, then that's on him.

Let those feelings go, Mighty.

I am not surprised by your feelings about other men. You loved deep and true for a very long time. That doesnt go away for a long while. Its a process, sweetie.


Just wanted to write something about the following. Careful to not let your son feel as if he has to protect you. That isnt his job. I say that because my son was around the same age. I made sure he knew I was ok and that he didnt have to worry about me. He was to live his life. He has thanked me many times for that since then. You may not have said anything to your son, but, they are smart.

Originally Posted By: Mighty

And to stop texting me bc I don't want to hear from him either.



As far as how your xh is acting regarding the kids. He is an adolescent right now. Thats his mindset. He doesnt know how to act with them. Sad, I know, but thats how it is right now. I always told my son, he is your father. The only one you will ever have. Figure out a way to have him in your life in some capacity that you feel comfortable with. Otherwise the relationship will be irrevocably broken. I dont mean they should be forced into a relationship, but, that they should think about what they want in the future. Sometimes there is too much hurt to recover from. They are watching you, M. Very closely. I would hate to see them not ever have a relationship with him.

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Hi ur. You are right on. Again....


I Will let those feelings go. You are so right. Xh told me he'd think about me and how fun I was and silly. And not worry about things. And that no matter what we were doing - even renovating the disgusting apartments we flipped, we always had fun. I worried that after things transpired, he'd forget those things and just remember the intensity of his recent encounters. But I don't have energy for that anymore. What's done is done and it is what it is.

As far as my son.... I couldn't agree more!!!' I was shocked when he sent me what he sent xh. SHOCKED! And my reaction was telling him that I'm fine and not to worry about me! And I said to just be respectful and not engage in an argument.

I have stayed out of that r. S18 is adamant that he wants nothing to do w him not give him a ticket to graduation, etc. I do say, well he is your dad, he should be there. He was a great dad to you. I don't push or pressure in any direction, but try to be level headed and mature and remove my personal feelings.

Really- I just try to stay totally out of it.

I try to teach my kids to handle themselves respectfully and honestly as I would in any sitch, but don't tell them what to say or how to react. I don't want any of my influence in that.

Thanks uR. I hope more than anything xh comes out of this so he can really be a dad to my kids again.

Bea.... Kind of interesting, huh? We will have to see!

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Hi - Ur is right of course, and I am sure I could have handled my sitch better, but actually my children found it difficult when I reminded them he was their father and they might want a relationship further down the line.

My eldest son has said that his father turned into a man he didn't know and didn't (and still doesn't) want to know. He is grateful for the father he had, but said any relationship is just not possible with him. I encouraged him to reach out and respond three or four years back, and it all went sour very fast.

The children accept there is something very wrong with him, but he is not a nice person any more - selfish, bullying, dishonest and entitled. It is sad for the MLCer but neither our children nor we as spouses are responsible for the non relationship. I beat myself up a lot over this one, and honestly, I think I have done my best.

I cut my xh a lot more slack than my kids do. They respect this, and see it is my choice, but the legal action he started against me was the last straw for them.

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AJM Offline
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Quote:
Just wanted to write something about the following. Careful to not let your son feel as if he has to protect you. That isnt his job. I say that because my son was around the same age. I made sure he knew I was ok and that he didnt have to worry about me. He was to live his life. He has thanked me many times for that since then. You may not have said anything to your son, but, they are smart.
That's worth repeating and adding, they are protective of their mothers. Naturally. It really is up to you to protect him and help him live his life without excessively worrying about you or worrying about protecting you from his dad. Just something to keep in mind over time.

Full moon? Yep. I can honestly say the craziest times with ex occur(ed) during a full moon. Or the run up to the full moon. I've noticed it's usually within a week or so of the full moon when I tend to hear from her or her husband. As a matter of fact, I just did again. Thankfully my delete key works really well smile

Good to have perspective Mighty. You seem to be regaining and getting stronger. Glad to see that.

Be well!

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
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"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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Mighty Offline OP
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Thanks so much, AJ. It always make me smile big to hear from you!

I was so surprised s18 sent that. That was the only time he has done that. I told him awhile back that my r w his dad is mine. Xh is his and their r is seperate. I knows he knows I have always encouraged him to work hit r out w his dad on how own. But I guess maybe it is coming with the tight knit family unit we now have- family remix.

But I will remind him always that I'm ok.

Cheers!

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Very interesting observations about the full moon…I guess it explains H’s purchase of the swim trunks in citrus color.
It is true, boys are usually protective about their Mothers. My son told H few months after BD “Whatever you do, don’t keep Mom in limbo”, which H was very surprised to hear. This might explain why he stopped all the contact with my son for a long time. Probably felt guilty. Probably still does, because he is still kind of keeping me in limbo by not taking any legal action. Well, I can always do it myself, but it is completely different subject.

Mighty, you sound better. I wish I could take you out for a girl’s night smile


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Mighty,
Your thread is going to lock soon. Have you given any thought to what you will name your new thread?


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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