Escaping a Dr. Seuss Nightmare

[kml]

Mighty....
Let go or be dragged, girlfriend. I totally understand how difficult it is to turn off the concern for a long time spouse. You spent so much of your life looking out for him and his wellbeing.

But he fired you from that job. And more than that, he had the opportunity to come home, and he still chose to go back there instead.

He's not your responsibility any more. Perhaps this tough road is just the path he has to walk. You need to keep the focus on creating a fabulous new life for yourself and your kids.

[uRworthy]

Ok, M, I am going to keep it real because you deserve nothing less.

What I "hear" between the lines is that you are still blaming yourself. You are still wondering if you stopping contact influenced him to leave.

You are also thinking that his actions now may mean something.

I get it, M. I do. You are still hurt, still grieving. But I dont want to see you going round and round in your head with that kind of thinking.

Because the truth of it is, he is in crisis. That said, he still has to own his actions.

You could think all day about the coulda, shoulda, wouldas. But that just makes you crazy.

This is a process for you, M. You cant hurry it along. You can help it by stopping those thoughts because it doesnt serve you well.

You could have been perfect, it wouldnt have mattered. Thats because this is something that was destined to happen.

Please try to believe that there was nothing you could have done to stop this.

No amount of loving him could have stopped it.

He has to go through this. You have to let him.

Its ok to have empathy for him. Thats who you are.

What isnt good is for you to blame yourself. What isnt good is for you to read his actions as meaning anything.

He is messed up and confused.

Its ok for you to think about Mighty. Its ok for you to remember your marriage with love.

But you do need to try to let go of wondering the what ifs. That isnt good for you.

This is your life right now, M. Time to begin to live it. Leave him to his.

[Mighty]

Ellie- Amen, sista! I do want to be totally detached. TOTALLY! Something.... something is still keeping me attached. Not totally... but there is something underlying... in the background- hidden. I don't worry about what he's doing. I've released him from my mind to go live his life. I want to be free... but there is that small percentage that lingers. Often unnoticed. I wonder if that truly ever goes away?

I think just seeing him drive by again yesterday messes with me a little. Not that it bothers me. It just makes my brain start thinking like, why does he want to check? Why did he make those decision? I'm better off not thinking. Because my brain is still processing. But then, it is changing in the way I think, too. I am putting him- his actions- into a different category. Maybe he wants to see if I'm where he left me and that makes him feel better? Well who knows, minder-reader I am... but I don't care. It only motivates me to say, NO you F'ER! I'm not, and you will see that, too!

But the putting him in a different category is also seeing him purely for his actions. ICK!

I feel like he is sooooooooooooooo far gone!

uR. You are right. I do blame myself for things. And I know I should have handled things so differently when he came around. Things rubbed me the wrong way... but for some stupid reason, I believed when he said he would never do that to me again and I had nothing to worry about, and that he wouldn't leave me again. He would never hurt me again. Honestly, I think he would have moved right in if I mentioned it. I think that's what he wanted. It wouldn't have worked. Not well. I knew that. But, I think I had belief that he wanted to work towards our m and, well.... said he would do whatever it takes... so maybe I felt a little too secure in that and... probably let loose a little more than I should have. I mean, I think I did OK, sometimes I was awesome! Especially at first. When the baby came, I was pretty dang strong for him that week. It tested me, for sure.
But I know when things changed. She went home on Friday. Paternity test still wasn't done. That Sunday, xh had plans w the kids. Hww called him Sunday morning to tell him that she was taking her son to visit his dad and her mom was going to watch the baby (First problem I had- why call him that morning- why last minute????) XH said, "Absolutely not!" He was going to watch the baby. So, what do you think he did? He called me to tell the kids he couldn't make it. He canceled his plans w them- bc hww called last minute and he rushed there. Everything-everyone-dropped for them. I didn't make a big deal about it. But, later I voiced my concern. But it was a huge red flag for me. And- that's the way it always was. And- that's the way it continues to be.

So Fukk 'em.

And, well.... there you have it. I don't want to play the drama games they do.

I really have mentally checked out. Emotionally... I'm almost there. WEll.... as far as detachment. I mean.. the other emotional stuff still has a journey. The morning of my family's loss and that stuff.

So. What am I gon' do? Well, I'm on the road to recovery. I still need support. I don't know why. Lots of things are falling into place. Things with work, with my kids... and a contractor came today to do some work on the house!!! Raise the roof!

But... d14 got a concussion tonight at her game... but was still able to get a hat trick, too!

Thanks for keeping it real, girls. He's on his own, as far as I'm concerned. I think he wanted me to do the work for him. That was a huge part of it. He just can't right now, and he needs someone to do it. I wasn't going to pick that up. I though he'd do it on his own... but he truly didn't have the strength. And, honestly, I don't know if he ever will. He's not emotionally strong, nor mature enough. He has always had a disposable mentality. About everything. Didn't think i'd be us... but, hey, nothing is safe. Nothing is sacred. Ah, well.... I'm better off then, right? So sad for him. I've gotta keep it moving.

[Georgiabelle]

Mighty,

You called me hot and I love you for that alone, sweetness :-). Your sitch always leaves me feeling like I was on one of those universe forsaken roller coasters where you feel that your heart dropped to your colon and you are on the verge of throwing up. Actually, you were thrown up on and you have cleaned yourself up nicely. Please know, I don't say that to be hurtful, however you and your children have endured so much. And it's heartbreaking. However, you amaze me with your strength, resilience, and the empathy for your xh.

I think it's wonderful that you are so close to your kids. Good things can come out of sad circumstances. I don't know what your xh thinks, however he cannot take away how wonderful this next chapter of your life will be.

You are doing so well. You are a smart, funny, beautiful lady and a fantastic mother. Xh chose his path so let him walk it. And you walk yours in some super cute wedges.

Xo

[AJM]

And I know I should have handled things so differently when he came around

Really? You think so? I don't. But if you feel that way, then you need to forgive yourself and be done with that. Close the book on that item. Know that you did what you did with what you knew and did the best you could. End of story. You made your choices and lived them. He made his and has to live them. That's a control issue, girl. You cannot control his actions by doing something different. You never could.

Put that bit to rest, Ms Competitive

Maui Thai? Wow. That should be fun. Go for it! The bruises are one thing, but the exercise is what's really needed. It'll do you a world of good and help to release the tension. Just what the doc ordered.

AJ

[HeavyD]

I agree Mighty

There was nothing you could have said or done or didn't do to "cause" all of this mess and heartache. I am so sorry for you. He sounds like a rotten apple, an apple that you will always love deep down a little bit in spite of everything.

Georgiabelle was right - your next chapter is going to be wonderful. Live it!

[AJM]

Which reminds me. Something to think about Mighty. You did your best. You know that. It didn't work out as you hoped at the time.

Are you going to let it keep you from living a life worth living? A life of peace and joy? A life with pain, happiness, and everything in between? Or are you going to work to live the life you can look back on and be happy about? A life you can use to show your kids how to live?

At some point, you can't continue to punish yourself. You can't punish somebody else. You'll need to accept your life is where it is and play the hand you have.

Which is just how it's always been even if you didn't see it before.

Something to noodle. Since you're up anyway

AJ

[Mighty]

Oh my gosh, GB... thank you. You are so awesome and I love your support! I think you are amazing and doing so incredibly well.

AJ- My man! Hey... well you bring up some things that had me thinking... and of course I giggled when I read your post at 3AM, "Since you're up anyway" which made me laugh! BC... of course I was!

OK, so Heavy, thanks for joining me. Love your thoughts. So to you and AJ, yeah, you are right. I did what I did and xh is skrewed the f up! I am not going to beat myself up. But when I read things like Cali's sitch and feedback...etc... I know I was OK... but I think that the intensity of everything was so much more exemplified bc of the baby sitch.

Well... anyway... I find life is much easier NOT thinking bout that!

But, reading Notlikingthis's sitch is like OMG! It is like the same OW! I think that's what makes me crazy sometimes.. the entitlement of this chick... and her baby... the tactics...OMG.

However, I am doing much better at removing myself from those crazy thoughts. They do get to me at some point during the day...but...

I had a dream the other night and I swear... it had me enter the mind of MLC! It was crazy, but insightful.

I love my life a little more every day. I now pray to God to help me get over xh. It is VERY scary. I can't believe it. But, I know it is best for me. Even though it goes against every fiber of my being..

Xh seems to be... clueless. I mean... I just dont know what else to say. s18 has a new phone, so he was getting a couple of texts since the new phone wasnt blocked. Xh was texting him that he missed him.

D14 got one tonight that said somehthing like, You don't respond like you used to. Are you mad at me? It breaks my heart.

Now... I didn't go internally crazy in my mind- at all. Thank God! I let it roll. But, as I'm sure xh doesn't notice, I do! D14's text's became more scarce since he casually added that he was living w/ hww again. I mean, to me, it was obvious. His approach w the kids is flippant, and inconsiderate, and totally like... they should always go along w/ his choices. He does not see the correlation.

S18 just reblocked.

We continued to play Uno and joke and laugh... like it was a fly that came in the room momentarily to bother us and was gone. Sad, but grateful that I'm not sweating him anymore.

[uRworthy]

Ok, Mighty, I am not going to let you off the hook..you are too important. So, I am again reading between the lines with the following...

I am not going to beat myself up. But when I read things like Cali's sitch and feedback...etc... I know I was OK... but I think that the intensity of everything was so much more exemplified bc of the baby sitch.

When you write, but, it kind of negates everything that comes before it, ya know?

You cannot compare sitches. They are personal to the people in it. I just want to say that nothing you said or did could have stopped this from happening. I promise you that. This crisis was destined to happen. I know you feel that you could have handled things differently at times. Even if you did everything however perfectly looks in your head, he would have still had to go through this.

If you stop a crisis in the middle, it comes back stronger later on.

So, work on letting go your feelings of having done something wrong. That doesnt serve you well.

[job]

Mighty,
Please read and re-read uRworthy's posting. She's 100% correct in telling you that there is nothing you could have done to stop his crisis. It wouldn't have mattered if he was married to a beautiful movie star or the Queen of England, it was destined to happen because of his childhood issues. Heck, he could have been a monk or a priest and it would still have happened. He could have been just a plain old single guy and it would have happened. His crisis is all about him and not you.

When you attempt to snatch them out of the crisis, they will eventually go back into crisis and it will be far worse than the first time around.

Mighty, you did absolutely nothing wrong, you can't fix something you didn't cause and/or break. Keep the focus on you and your healing. Your xh has to find a way to heal himself because he's the only one that can do it.