One day, Mighty, you will wake up and that heaviness will be gone. You will wake up and take a deep breath and think...I did it. I got through it and I am doing great.
Your life is yours to create. It's yours to paint however you want it. There is something amazing about that, really.
uR, your post gave me chills. This part ^^ I love. The first paragraph, I love. Thinking about getting through this seems like a never ending story... but, the possibility of there actually being an ending to this nightmare... getting through this... oh man... what a thought.
The second part, my life- making it my own. That is a feeling that I certainly am embracing. For the first time in my life, I can make choices based on what I want and need without the influence from anyone. I dig that. It feels good.
And thank you job, Heather, and uR for coming to my rescue while I was spinning from the radioactive waves stemming from xh. Ugh. He is such a PIA. I don't even think he is doing anything to me, particularly, but the mere though of him makes me cringe. I really can't believe I am at this point... I just can't stand him. I think I could go the rest of my life without seeing, hearing from, or having anything to do with him and I'd be better off. I just can't believe that I feel like that. It shocks me, but they are real feelings. Feelings that I haven't felt before.
Does this mean I am getting over him? Does it mean I am angry? I hope I'm not bitter. I don't think so. I just feel so much better without his shenanigans, that I'd rather not...
It's an unexpected feeling for me. Yet, I just keep following along where these feelings are taking me. Granted, I am trying to keep my emotions in check... but that is different than owning my feelings.
I still get upset. Angry. Frustrated. Baffled. Heartbroken. Disgusted. Confused. Sad. But, I am sloooooooooooly finding my way.
I just can't believe this. That's the overriding theme. Unbelievable. I can't believe he has a baby and gave up his family to be with the person who does not care about his family. Who feels entitled in the most unbelievable way.
uR. You post earlier also had the analogy about noticing the car, because it's on your mind. I could not believe that you posted that, because I had given the same analogy to my son a few hours earlier when he was telling me about something on his mind. Thought there was something wrong, but I used the analogy and just explained that it is just something he is going through now, but that it won't be on his mind forever. Some time in the future, he will be thinking about something else. But that was crazy that you posted that. Great minds think alike, huh?
job:
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He's not worth getting upset over.
BAM! That's so right on. This made me think, what can I do that will make me happy and not worry about this anymore. What am I not doing? I don't want to be reactive to his behavior. I want to be productive where I just don't even have time to care what he is doing or not doing.
I want to protect my daughter. So, I will be as honest as I can w/o unnecessarily upsetting her. I will allow her r with xh to be what it is... on their terms. I will let her know that I am unwavering. I am here for her.
I also feel kind of lame. Like, it is taking me so long. I know I am doing better, but I know I still have a lot of work to do. It seems like by now, I should be so much further along. What am I doing wrong? I think I still had too much faith in him. Despite everything he had done, I believed he was still there inside. I think part of me was waiting for that...
What he did, when he came back, really messed me up. But, I think it is helping me to really let go. But, it left new wounds, too. Part of me has rebounded quicker, but I just had further up to go. Will I ever really recover? Just when I think I am doing so well, I have this relapse. I am struggling because I feel tired of dealing with it. I feel like i am running out of resources. Even coming here. You guys have been so amazing and helped me keep my emotional and mental stability as good as I could have... yet, what else can be said? Have I progressed at all in the past 8 months?
I think that's a good question for me to look in the mirror and ask.
I want to protect my daughter. So, I will be as honest as I can w/o unnecessarily upsetting her. I will allow her r with xh to be what it is... on their terms. I will let her know that I am unwavering. I am here for her.
This is the sticking point for me. I'm still very angry with how my children have been treated.
What's helped me, recently, is read up on addiction and the changes which take place in the brain...changes which alter the brain's chemistry and leave addicts with a serious defect when it comes to understanding/acting upon the consequences of their actions.
In terms of MLC, I find it hard to believe that anyone--would wake up one day and say, "Hey! I think I will make a complete f---fest of my life! I will alienate my spouse of decades, do things my children will never forgive and, essentially, become an embarassment to my entire family!"
Much like addiction, there's some brain chemistry altering going on here. Otherwise, the world just isn't round like they say. I KNOW my husband loved me. I KNOW he loved our kids. And, more than anything else, I KNOW he loved our pets.
So, to do this 360, only makes sense in light of some mental disturbance or dysfunction within HIM.
The hard part is separating the behavior from the person. Accepting the person for who he is today and preparing our children for his inability to "be" there on any level. It's still a hard pill to swallow.
Looking at him honestly as a very complicated person with a long list of issues which aren't mine to solve...that makes a difference for me. Distance has helped me too. Helped me, although I wasn't prepared for the anger that surfaced when I had some perspective. Maybe I couldn't feel the anger when everything was so close and fresh? IDK.
It's a process.
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I also feel kind of lame. Like, it is taking me so long. I know I am doing better, but I know I still have a lot of work to do. It seems like by now, I should be so much further along. What am I doing wrong? I think I still had too much faith in him. Despite everything he had done, I believed he was still there inside. I think part of me was waiting for that...
STOP. Read some the threads. I've been here nearly 3 years. Still a work in process. Others have taken years to sort through all the feelings that come up with this trauma.
In a very short period of time, we've all had this traumatic experience of learning that what we believed was UP, was really down. The earth may not be round as we had been told. OUR foundations were rocked to the core. That's not something we can heal from overnight. It's just not.
You loved someone. You believed in someone. He changed. You've given accounts of his damaged childhood. Nearly every MLC-er on here has some seriously sad childhood story, including mine. You don't have the time and healing yet to understand. I do believe, though, some understanding will shine through at some point. At some point, you will feel glimmers of what the truth really is/was.
Maybe he is just a man who was afraid to have it all. Maybe he couldn't handle it. Maybe he didn't think he deserved it? Maybe the urge to run from happiness was just too great. Maybe he wasn't breastfed upside down and backwards. I don't know.
I DO, however, believe that the life they had with us was real and what they ran TOO...not so much. I see the good parts of Matt in my kids. I see the person he coulda been. I see the person he was afraid to be or maybe thought he wasn't capable of being? I don't know.
I know I will be ok. Him not so much and that still makes me very sad. And, I think about what Job posted to Kimmerz...the memories of the life they had with us...that will sustain them at some point through the pain of what they've lost.
Sadly, I think the damage that's been done has finally collapsed the bridge in my case.
How exciting, though, to think of myself as someone who really knows myself...we are different now Mighty! We know who we are and what we want and what we don't. I was just telling a friend today...what I want in the next man. And, if I don't find him, I will still be ok.
"I'm looking for a manly, well-read, gentle, generous kinda guy with a good sense of humor and good/understanding about kids with special needs. And fun in bed. And honest!!!! No games. I've narrowed it down."
Would I have ever considered I deserved ^^^^this guy^^^^^^ when I was 21 and engaged to Matt? Nope. Not even a little.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Mighty, please, please get those thoughts out of your head about not being further along. You had waves of crap hit you...over and over again. If you didnt lose your footing, I would have thought there was something wrong with you.
I am going to tell you something. I could not get all this. Not for a very, very long time. That's the truth of it. I just couldnt wrap my mind around it. I would go for days, even weeks, thinking I was finally coming to terms with it and then it would all hit me again and round and round I went.
I dont know how the people here could stand it sometimes. Having to say the same things to me. Watching me trip and fall again and again. But, bless thank God, they stuck with me. So did my amazing therapist. I was so blessed.
This is enormous. It goes against everything you thought you knew and believed. It blindsides you to a place you have never been. It makes no sense. At all.
It takes as long as it does to get through it. It happens at first in fits and starts. Then, slowly, you are carried along some. Then when you lose your way a bit, you start to find it quicker. Until eventually, it all begins to mesh.
The thing about all of this is that you dont want to skip any part. Each and every step of this, brings you closer to where you need to be.
You are exactly where you should be, sweetie. I promise you that.
Thanks bea, Heather, and uR. I know its a process. I know it takes time. Maybe it was just so nice to be away from this. Maybe it was nice to not have to worry about seeing him or dealing with him or something like that. Not being surrounded by reminders at every turn of the head. Not fear of running into him or her... or them together. A sense of relief. Distance. My own life.
Part of that tells me to take it back... me. Don't allow it to take over or consume me. The fear, that is. I guess I just don't know how exactly to get over that- completely. I do have to tell myself to dig deep. I get pretty lonely. That's part of it. Yeah, I like being alone. But, the loneliness is starting to get to me.
It's like as soon as we get home, its back to REALITY, for sure. A reality I have come to not want. I can change it, make it my reality, but I am not sure how, exactly. A lot of things are out of my control.
I'm sad that I come home to this. My kids are off, and I'm alone. That he has someone to go home to. That he has a new family to go home to. And I have no choice but to deal with that. That he would chose that. I just don't understand. And I know I never will. And I know I can't try to make sense of it.
I had such a great week. I was so happy we went. It was so laid back and relaxing. We didn't rush anything. My kids appreciated that a lot. The difference with being there with just me. How much more laid back everything was. No freaking out when there were bumps in the road, or our car wasn't ready right away... etc...
Maybe I just feel unsettled bc I don't know what's next. That I don't want to do everything alone anymore. That I don't trust anyone anymore.
I know I am coming across as whiny and complaining. I really feel OK. Last week was good, and I was feeling like things were starting to turn around a little, but today it seems like the same ol'. So I guess I'm just frustrated about it. But, hey, tomorrow is another day, right? A day of renewal.
I just detest xh right now. That's the overbearing feeling. And I don't want to feel anything for him. At this point, I think I am just rambling. In my best Oz voice, "Pay no attention to the chick behind the laptop!"
uR- I think I need to hear it over and over... I've always been like that. Thanks for sickin with me!
Heather- can't wait for you to find that guy! He is out there looking for you!
bea- yeah, he is messing up big time. Often, especially now, I wonder if that is true! Because of how they carry on, like he is doing the right thing, and she feels so entitled and that they are a family (Barf- faux family, if you ask me), that I am wrong. That what they are doing is fine. It is making me question everything- like my thoughts. What is wrong with me? Are my feelings unjustified? It makes me feel so horrible. Worthless. Like they can walk around pretending to be this happy family and no one cares and is so happy for them and the fact that I am devastated doesn't matter, because, who am I? Who cares? People don't care! Not that I want people to feel sorry- that's not what I want at all! But people accepting them as a family- ugh! And at work- they are a couple! Ugh! I just don't count.
The only one who has the power to make that insignificant is me. But it is difficult.
I understand how being away allowed you to forget for awhile. I also get the fear and lonliness...man, do I get it.
When I went through this, I did not know how I would make it. I was with him since I was 18 years old. We were married 25 years at bomb date. Together for 30 years. He was all I knew. Together with my son, it was the 3 of us against the world. I had never lived on my own. I had never did a lot of things on my own.
Truthfully, I didnt now how I would go on. I mean, literally, I wasnt sure of what to do. But then life had to continue. Things needed to get done. My son and I found out own rhythm. I dug deep back to the girl I used to be. And I figured it out, M.
I will say that it was when I started to let go of wanting to understand and the anger, the road became clearer. I just said to myself, some things just dont have explanations. Like when a child dies or someone gets cancer. This was one of those times. And no matter how I tried to make sense of it, I just didnt have the power to do it.
Letting go of the anger was a tough one. I eventually realized a few things. The first one was that if I didnt then they were getting more. That's the truth. I didnt want them to have one more thing. Then I realized that me being angry wasnt affecting them. They didnt care one bit. So, what was the point of that? Being angry wasnt going to change a thing....except me and I was too important. I also knew that no matter how hard I tried and how brave I acted, that my son would see the anger. Now I dont think its wrong for them to see that for a time. I mean, they would think you were kind of crazy not to be angry and sad about it all.
But for me, I wanted to show my son what it looked like to deal with the tough stuff in life. I wanted him to see that even when life is hard, you can still rise above it. Even when it was heartbreaking, you could survive.
Mighty, be careful about thinking about what he has or doesnt have. Trust me when I tell you it isnt at all what you think it is. Not that it matters because it doesnt. But, there is no way someone in crisis, who left his family, had a baby, left his ow, then went back to her...is happy. But as I said, it doesnt matter.
You had no choice in his choices, but you have many you can make for you and your kids.
It is scary not knowing what's next. Really scary. But you do know this. You are smart and capable and worthy and enough and that's all you really need.
I get not wanting to do everything alone. It wont always be like this.
You arent whiny, Mighty. You are sharing your thoughts. Nothing wrong with that.
Start a bucket list. Put big things and small things on it. Get a book together of places you always wanted to go to and things you always wanted to try. Set small achievable goals.
We never know what the future holds, M, but you have to trust that it holds you.
I agree 100% with Heather that there is something very very wrong with these people. My xh is nothing like he used to be.
Interestingly my elder dil who knew him pre and post MLC sees a huge change in him. Obviously we do, but she was simply daing my eldest son when she first knew him and no emotional investment, as we did.
I wish MLC was better researched and understood.
Please do not assume that your xh is happy with his choices, they truly are more like addicts - driven by who know what to do these tings.
Mighty, I can’t help but to think about what your son said… That you H and hww R will not last for more than two months. I think sometimes our kids see it the way it is. I think your xh went back to hww because it was easier, because she was making it look easier. She would accept him the way it was. It would be a lot harder for him to make an R with you and your kids to work. The R with hww was easier, because she was making it this way. Just wait until the dust settles in… You son might be very right here… I think your hx knows it on a subconscious level, this is why all these texting to your kids during the vacation.
I appreciate all other advice here, about being above all of it, about taking care of yourself, etc. It all helps in moving on and growing front the experience… and becoming a better person. But, I think it is also important to know that your suffering is not going unnoticed and unpunished. I do believe in a saying that “what goes around comes around”. I think you need to feel some of these right now. I know that I did. Later on, you can have the forgiveness and grace, but right now I think you need to know that all your suffering is not for nothing. I might not be explaining it right, but I know what you feel. I think it is obvious that our hx is not in a happy place right now. It is not the way it looks. He cannot be happy. Their R is based on betrayals and lies, and hurting other people. Their R will due a horrible death. I know for me, it would be a comforting thought.
So, keep processing your feelings and making one step at a time. I’m cheering for you!
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
