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Zel, so sorry to read the latest on your sitch. I'm glad V is weighing in as she has first hand experience with this. All I can offer is virtual hugs. Hang in there, Zel. Space will be good for you both. Who knows where it will lead...


H 37 Me 36
Together 15 years
Married 5 years
No kids
BD Apr 2014
H moved out 2 Jun 2014
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 2,118
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Zelda, that clips so graffic it had me in tears, and yet I was never punched.

My child was, there were other things he did do that I cannot go into here. They are just as bad and demoralising as punching. Threats that he knew I userstood, but no one,else saw as real. They saw me in public as the in charge one, it often makes me think I was the abuser. H makes out I am the crazed one. Some days I almost believe it still now a year on.

The r and that list you made is a narcs list, for your h. The reason why h is happy to leave and be gone is narcs don't need dead emtional supply. You are dead used up, mine used the words used up dirty tissue.

Same words he used about his first wife. It's a pattern, it won't get better without huge intervention.


M 46 h54
Both married before
T 11y
Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads!
Ms 18 hs 26
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 2,118
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Originally Posted By: Zelda09
And so. Enough of the crazy-making. I have made myself a list to refer to whenever I think I want to cry over this amazing person that used to be my husband, any of his kindness or attributes I love, and any of the memories I am grieving and the dreams that I am giving up.

I took my wedding rings off. They no longer have any power or meaning for me. It is a sadness, but not my failure or fault.

I am breathing deep yoga breaths. In for strength and self-appreciation, humor -- out for relief, hope and joy for future, letting anxiety go. The general tenseness in my body is leaving.

My list I will refer to when I am weak:

1. Pushed off the dock out of jealousy six months in
2. Blocked phone calls for a week, pretending everything was fine.
3. Denying I was financially supporting him
4. Making me feel ridiculous for having any expectations of him in this relationship
5. Increasing feelings of walking on eggshells with my words
6. Ever-present consequence and fear of upsetting him - whether punishment was temper, attack on my character...couldn't be honest with concerns or opinions
7. Intimidation acts
8. Manipulation of EVERYONE (even when he recognized it and said he didn't want to be that person - whatever)
9. "Inability" - ef it. His "inability to drive" has suddenly gone away, and he's driving himself all over now that we broke up.
10. Flipping me off
11. Psychological/emotional bullying
12. "You will need to f. other men if you want to have children" - said minutes before a week long family reunion my mother hosted.
13. "I want to date other people" as he was trying to get back into my pants, after I picked him up from the airport.
14. Triangulation games with his ex and her 'special friendship'
15. 5 days after blow up - no remorse.
16. Gaslighting
17. passive master that expected me to read his mind
18. How and why I had to explain basic elements of respect to him through the years? What was appropriate boundaries with people?
19. Attitude of victim with everything
20. What he 'needed' was people that cared about him, another relationship to bring the stability to his life.
21. Witholding affection from me, silent treatment as punishment
22. Backwards priorities- all about his pleasure, no stresses allowed
23. Low empathy for me. I had to beg for him to listen to me and try to care sometimes
24. No real intention of working or providing
25. Problem with being the 'bad' guy or being assertive enough to say what he wants - constant image maintenance

He has good qualities and I will not focus on them now and torture myself imagining what more I could have done, today or any other day. If he wants my love, to be my partner, he can fight to get it back, directly and fairly. That is what a man I'd respect would do.

I am worth:

Peace
Being able to share my thoughts and concerns without fear
Constant love and consideration
Effort - even when it's not easy



This list is pure narc behaivour, there is no lovely man it was his narc mask. It fell off when he need more drama from you than you were supplying, hence the behviour of triangulation nc nc nc nc nc nc nc nc nc nc nc nc!

Just don't tell him untill you are ready to hear a temper tantrum. Just disappear.

Once he knows your nc and it your choice he will want to control that as it's not his choice.


M 46 h54
Both married before
T 11y
Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads!
Ms 18 hs 26
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 755
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Zelda09 Offline OP
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I am closing this thread. The other one is in piecing. Just saw your full posts, Gg...I want to talk more about this, the seeming dynamic of 'who's in charge.'


Mid 30's
Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH
D 9/15; NC forever on

You can't DR your way out of abuse.



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