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Miman2 Offline OP
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PMA is moderate today.

Feeling occasional heavy pangs of missing the W.
I'm trying to keep the faith and keep doing good for myself.

I REALLY want to invite her over to see the cats and have dinner tomorrow though. :-/

I feel bad that she's going through a loss from her client dying.

She stated that she has no friends anymore.
The detached part of me wants to let her live with her decision to be all alone.

The "new me" doesn't want her to have to suffer through the loss alone.
Other than (maybe) eating together I think I would try to keep myself busy doing other things, leaving her to spend time with the cats.


Me:33 W:34
T:13 M:8.5
D mentioned & S 2/13/15
"We can never get back together" 4/2/15
Visited & Mentioned she hasn't filed 4/20/15
"I want to have cats back" 5/4/15
Served D papers 5/8/15
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Posts: 5,301
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Hi Miman

I think you're best to listen to the more detached part of you. Extending invites to your W may push her further away right now. If she needs you and wants to talk to you, she knows where you are...

T :-)


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Miman2 Offline OP
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Thanks Toots,

That makes sense.

I worry that she's as far away from me without starting the D process though.

During our dinner the other night she kept asking why I didn't reach out to her and if I had even wanted to reach out to her during these past 7.5 weeks.

I'm trying to be strong, but meeting with her really messed with my head this past weekend.

Like I said earlier, I felt like I was almost at the point where nothing she could've said would've bothered me. But now she has me doubting my every move. :-/


Me:33 W:34
T:13 M:8.5
D mentioned & S 2/13/15
"We can never get back together" 4/2/15
Visited & Mentioned she hasn't filed 4/20/15
"I want to have cats back" 5/4/15
Served D papers 5/8/15
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 202
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Miman2 Offline OP
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Called around to see if I could find a new IC. I found a clinic that mentioned solution focused therapy. I called them up and as they were doing the intake questions they mentioned DB and how they worked with MWD maybe 20 years ago.

I guess I have a decision to make about my current IC...


Me:33 W:34
T:13 M:8.5
D mentioned & S 2/13/15
"We can never get back together" 4/2/15
Visited & Mentioned she hasn't filed 4/20/15
"I want to have cats back" 5/4/15
Served D papers 5/8/15
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 399
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Hi Miman,

I haven't gone back through your sitch but from your recent posts I would ask have you read about pursuit and distance. It would appear on the surface of it that as you're pulling away from your wife, you're changing the dynamic. As a result of this your W would like you to restart your pursuit of her so you two can do the same old dannce. Be strong and hold back from comforting your W at this time would be my advice right now.


BD - 30TH JAN 2015
S - 30TH JAN 2015
PA CONFIRMED - 16TH FEB 2015 (SINCE AT LEAST OCT 2014)
CONTINUAL TALK OF D
ME: 31
W: 28
T: 10yrs
M: 4.5yrs
D:5, S:6
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"Can we not focus on the swinging/poly so much? "

Actually you're the one who brings it up. You asked about the OW and said you miss her. So the question again is do you want to continue your poly lifestyle after she comes back?

The kind of advice you get will dependent on that.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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Miman2 Offline OP
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Thanks alpha!

I'm leaning that way as well.
I'm feeling pretty damn disconnected this afternoon.
Other than a few angry thoughts about the OC I haven't had an episode about the W since about lunch.

MrBond let me guess:

If I say yes,
Originally Posted By: MrBond
"I'd like to leave it all behind, I could try to give the poly thing another shot maybe."

Really? Then you'll find yourself in the same problem again.

If I say no, then me reaching out to her is a sign of weakness and then...
Originally Posted By: MrBond
You don't seem to want to do the work to get yourself strong and not have to depend on women to make you happy.


The truth of the matter is I don't want to continue it.
The thought of losing the W, losing the history we've had, over something as silly as she-wants-to-do-something-that-we-used-to-do-and-now-I-don't-want-to-do, saddens me.
Especially after seeing her wearing that other ring.

Me wanting out is part of what drove her to leave.
She kept mentioning that we wanted different things out of life and maybe we shouldn't be together because of it.

Can I get over it? Sure.
Does the thought of it right now send me into fits of sadness?
No, but it does cause a dip in my happiness.
Does it make my sitch seem like a lost cause. A little bit...


Me:33 W:34
T:13 M:8.5
D mentioned & S 2/13/15
"We can never get back together" 4/2/15
Visited & Mentioned she hasn't filed 4/20/15
"I want to have cats back" 5/4/15
Served D papers 5/8/15
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
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It's not a lost cause, but if that is the path you want to take, then your actions and words have to follow it.

How specific have you been with your W about wanting to end the poly lifestyle? The thing that probably scares her is that you got her into it when she didn't want to and now you want to leave it while she's in it is all control on your part. She wants to be her own person and probably sees this as a way of being that.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 202
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Miman2 Offline OP
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Well when I felt the W getting emotionally distant I told her I didn't want to spend as much time with the OC because I felt we didn't get to spend as much time together. I told her it made me miserable to spend time with them because we didn't get time together. I had also told her it was boring hanging out with them because all they wanted to do was eat, sleep, sex and cuddle.

Because of what I've said to her she got the impression that I wanted out, and that I was jealous.

Funny thing is while I talked her into swinging, the poly thing kinda just came up and we both went with it.

My IC is thinking the W is having a discovery period because she gets to be with a female she finds attractive and is in love with. So yeah in a way I can agree with the "being her own person" in that aspect.


PMA doing pretty good today. Felt a bit lonely after getting ready for work and had a small pity party for myself. Going to a new meetup this evening. This one's supposed to be a depression/anxiety support group so we'll see how it goes.


Me:33 W:34
T:13 M:8.5
D mentioned & S 2/13/15
"We can never get back together" 4/2/15
Visited & Mentioned she hasn't filed 4/20/15
"I want to have cats back" 5/4/15
Served D papers 5/8/15
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
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"Well when I felt the W getting emotionally distant I told her I didn't want to spend as much time with the OC because I felt we didn't get to spend as much time together."

Don't you see that all you've been doing is controlling her? And when you wanted out, that was more control.

"I told her it made me miserable to spend time with them because we didn't get time together. I had also told her it was boring hanging out with them because all they wanted to do was eat, sleep, sex and cuddle."

Have you learned anything from this? Those activities are what build intimacy. She wanted that from YOU. But you said they were boring. That's what she needs.

"Because of what I've said to her she got the impression that I wanted out, and that I was jealous."

You were.

"Funny thing is while I talked her into swinging, the poly thing kinda just came up and we both went with it."

But the bottom line is that you started it. It's your responsibility. Now the problem is that because you started this, you wanting to end it is seen as control.

"My IC is thinking the W is having a discovery period because she gets to be with a female she finds attractive and is in love with. So yeah in a way I can agree with the "being her own person" in that aspect."

I disagree with that. He's just concentrating on your poly relationship when from a marriage stand you had rough problems to begin with. She's with the OC because she feels they allow her to be her own person as she is and no control.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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