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Previous thread is almost at cap. Need advice for tomorrow so I'm starting this one a bit early (3 posts)

The story thus far...

Reposting my last post.

She called tonight!!

She asked if I got her text, I told her I didn't (because I really didn't).

She said she wanted to try to get together tonight to talk, I told her I couldn't tonight (because of my GAL activities).

She asked if we could meet tomorrow to talk. I said sure, offered to meet her somewhere other than the apt, she said where ever was fine, maybe we could even go to dinner.

I told her she could pick the place and how I was thinking of asking her to lunch or dinner. Again she said where ever I wanted.

She asked if I wasn't going to be there tonight would it be okay if she came by and saw the cats. I told her sure.

I offered to let her know when I was on my way back in case she didn't want to be in the apt with me, she said she was fine being in the apt with me. I mentioned the time she took the charger and said I figured she didn't want to see me because of that. She said that it was okay.

I mentioned how one of her favorite restaurants had a section set up at work today, so I was able to have that for lunch.

I reconfirmed tomorrow after work dinner, she said yes. I told her okay, talk to you later then, bye and hung up.

So we're supposed to meet for dinner tomorrow after work.

ADVICE TEAM ACTIVATE!!!!!!!!!

Calm, cool, collected.
Be loving but not overly excited.
No expectations!
Keep it upbeat, lighthearted, let her talk about the R first.
Don't talk about my changes (what if she asks for specifics??).
Be ready to be the first one to leave.

What else?! Any other advice?


Me:33 W:34
T:13 M:8.5
D mentioned & S 2/13/15
"We can never get back together" 4/2/15
Visited & Mentioned she hasn't filed 4/20/15
"I want to have cats back" 5/4/15
Served D papers 5/8/15
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Listen to what she has to say and validate her feelings. Understand that she has a right to feel the way she does even if you don't agree with it and be compassionate. Let her do most of the talking and repeat what she says to you at times so that she knows you're listening.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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MrBond gave you excellent core DB advice. Commit it to memory and stick to the plan.

I'll add: prepare for the worst. Sorry to be blunt, but many many LBH have had similar talks. A few weeks ago, Barry went to such a dinner where his W told him that she wanted to sell him her half of their house for instance. It is the experience of the successful sitches that these things take months and years and get much worse before they get better. I've declined such meetings with my W twice: the first time she then emailed me that it was official with her BF and the second she told me she wanted to get the D paperwork started.

I'm not telling you that I know it will be bad. I'm telling you not to show up there thinking that this is the beginning for a better time and not be prepared to hear bad news. I know I go to all my meetings with my WW with reactions and responses ready for the worst (moving away, pregnant, asking for full custody, filing for D, etc.) You need to be prepared mentally so that you won't break down. This is absolutely crucial: do not melt in a puddle of tears begging her to reconsider. Take it all in strides and show her that you already know you'll be fine. I'm a bit worried because you sound very solicitous in your description of your interactions. It will be your time to shine and to DB like it's the 9th inning of the World Series.


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
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D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
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Thanks MrBond and Mozza.


I keep hoping for the best while trying to prepare for the worst.

I just hope I can keep everything in mind and DB like a badace while I'm in the moment and not try to let my emotions overcome me.


Me:33 W:34
T:13 M:8.5
D mentioned & S 2/13/15
"We can never get back together" 4/2/15
Visited & Mentioned she hasn't filed 4/20/15
"I want to have cats back" 5/4/15
Served D papers 5/8/15
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This forum is littered with LBS meeting with WAW who say "I know I messed up" and then report that they cried, begged, threatened, etc. Don't be one of them. Understand, before you go there, that these things harm your chances of R. No single act will ruin it, but think of it like sports: you can't score in your own goal too many times.

OK, let's rehearse. Tell us what will be your reaction and your words to the following statements or actions.

1. When you arrive, she's distant and does not lean in to kiss you.
2. She asks you how you're doing.
3. She tells you she never loved you, all your M was bad.
4. She tells you she's thought about it and wants a D.
5. She tells you that reconciling is not in the cards.
6. She tells you she's really in love with OC.
7. She tells you things have been difficult for her since S.

Can you think of other situations of things she might say that would be difficult to handle? What would be your response?

Have a look at the validation cheat sheet again to prepare.

On of the techniques to successfully achieve a goal is to visualize it. This is what we're doing here.


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
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I would kindly ask what the subject matter is.

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Hi TenBook. Here's a link to my previous posts:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2544552&page=1

Basically after 7 weeks of separation, the wife called last night asking if she could come by to talk.


Okie Mozza. Here's what I think, I'm ready for any 2x4's for when I'm wrong or even need more improvement.

1) I would greet her cheerfully with a hello and wouldn't lean in for a kiss or a hug.
2) I would tell her I'm doing good and ask how she is doing.

Now it these seem a bit tougher to answer. These seem like they would be harder to keep cheerful though. There was one phrase in the validation cheat sheet that seemed a bit too clingy/desperate and I don't know if I should use it. It was "Gee, I'm so sorry that made you feel unloved. I never stopped loving you, but I guess I didn't express myself well enough." It feels like saying that would bring me to the brink of apologizing for everything I did wrong in the marriage. Although I feel like that's something I would like to do, I don't know if this is the right time to do so.

3) Keep calm. Pause and think.
Words: How best to validate this? Maybe with a "I'm sorry, I didn't know you felt that way" Do I say sorry? Is that forbidden?

4) Calmly nod and say "I'm sorry that you feel that way."
5) Calmly nod and say "I understand"
6) Oh. Really tough one here. Part of me feels like I need to validate that she has feelings for them and follow it up asking how they're doing (only because we have a history). Part of me feels like I should quickly acknowledge/validate her feelings and move on to a different subject. As for how to validate that, I'm a bit stumped. Maybe with "It sounds like they are really important to you"
7) Sympathize with her a bit and say something like "I can understand how difficult things have been for you. Would you tell me more about what you're going through?"


The things I worry about is her asking what I've been up to and how my therapy is going and how I'm changing.

I've read that I shouldn't give away all the details and keep my responses brief and more on the "I've been thinking about a lot of things" side. My IC has mentioned that I should go into a bit of detail about what kinds of changes I'm trying to implement. I feel that might lead to a big emotion filled apology session.

What if she does come in for a kiss and a hug at the beginning?
Return the hug/light kiss?

Or what if she does say she wants to work on things.
Part of me thinks I want to establish a boundary of:
"I will never allow myself to go through something like this again. If you would like for us to work on things, then I would like for us to work on them together. How would you propose we do that?" If she does say something along these lines, part of me wants to invite her to Easter Sunday mass this weekend.

All in all I need to keep in mind that I'm okay, I'll be okay either way after this meeting, and after the fallout from the meeting. It might be hard but I have friends and family who are there for me. I'll be returning to my own DB lifestyle with or without her willing to work on things and that I will be continuing to work on myself with or without her support.


Me:33 W:34
T:13 M:8.5
D mentioned & S 2/13/15
"We can never get back together" 4/2/15
Visited & Mentioned she hasn't filed 4/20/15
"I want to have cats back" 5/4/15
Served D papers 5/8/15
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Very good on you for doing the exercise.

I'm just a newcomer and not all that good at handling these interactions. Hopefully a vet will come and tell you what they think of your actions. All I'll say is make sure you come across as happy, but not trying to make her happy. See what I mean? So you're in a cheerful disposition, but you're not trying to cheer her up.


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
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D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
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Miman2 Offline OP
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As the time ticks by I find myself getting more and more nervous :-/


Me:33 W:34
T:13 M:8.5
D mentioned & S 2/13/15
"We can never get back together" 4/2/15
Visited & Mentioned she hasn't filed 4/20/15
"I want to have cats back" 5/4/15
Served D papers 5/8/15
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 202
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Miman2 Offline OP
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One hour until dinner. Any other last minute tips??


Me:33 W:34
T:13 M:8.5
D mentioned & S 2/13/15
"We can never get back together" 4/2/15
Visited & Mentioned she hasn't filed 4/20/15
"I want to have cats back" 5/4/15
Served D papers 5/8/15
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