hold on! - 9

[PeterV2]

Welcome to limbo.

I'm at a loss too. I guess you can carry on like this for a while but at some point it's going to come to a head and definitive action will have to be taken. She's carrying on with her life and you are with yours but there's a huge elephant in the room. You may see it and ignore it. She may not even see it.

Is she still working with OM? Or has that transfer happened?

IC can help you. Keep it up. I know it's a long road we're both on.

[u-turn]

Limbo - it seems that is where I am (by my own choice?).

I know this is not where I want to be and don't know how long I am going to accept it.

She is completely avoiding every problem in her life right not (at least externally). Maybe she sees the elephant - but the elephant is pushing me out of the room.

I think she is still working with OM - I believe the transition for her will be complete toward the end of May. He may be transitioning out next week or as late as the end of May. We have not talked about it so I don't know the "facts"

I don't know if this is a major step anyway. Sure it limits their contact, but will it really change anything - I don't know.

I did go to my second IC session - I hope this is a good fit for me. I talked again for almost the entire session without too much input from her. Made me think a lot about my confidence issues and where that comes from.

C seems to be pointing out that I have been treated like sh!t and it isn't my fault. That the way I have been showing my worth in my family and marriage (acts of service) did not drive her to have an A and understands my frustration by not being able to "fix" any of this. Nothing I didn't know though.

[Vanilla]

U turn

Limbo really???

DB is an active change driven process. If you are undertaking DB then this is not Limbo.

I really hope that you are making the best of the gift of time and improving, making 180s and going GAL.

IC can be really useful to move you forward faster and smoother, to create goals.

Good for you.

V

[u-turn]

I do believe that I am working at self improvement. I think that prior to bd that she thought that I relied on her too much for my own hapiness - that I did too much for her. I am working on my self confidence.

I have not been happy in general (maybe because I still feel that I lost the things that I have valued the most in life) - but by circumstances I do not rely on her for anything. I do believe she doesn't like the 180. She wants to feel wanted (don't we all?). But I am not giving that to her.

GAL. I stay busy with my responsibilities. But to say that I am doing things out of my comfort zone and meeting new people and having fun - I am probably more than a little light in this department.

I still look at my life with her and cannot put a definative pin on a chart to say this is where it went wrong. I still think that things were up and down, but we corrected major problems as they came about. (I don't know if W would say that was the case - if I were to ask her).

[Vanilla]

U-turn

What exactly are you doing to improve?

What steps to acquire self confidence?

So what type of GAL appeals to you, if you have to choose GAL as a easy in what would you do?

V

[u-turn]

Thanks for asking V -

I feel that my improvements are mostly based in learning to stand on my own - solo. I depended on her for a lot of emotional support. I leaned on her. I have learned not to. (Though I thought that was what a relationship was - leaning on each other and depending on each other. I guess this was unhealthy). So if she was gone forever starting right now, I would miss her, but I know I will be just fine.

I have developed my patience. When I was younger, patience was not my strongest trait. Having kids taught me a lot. This experience has taught me so much.

I am trying to improve my communication skills - this has been a problem throughout my life. In business, I am not a great communicator, I have been told by most that I am creative and do great work, but my communication is terrible. This is probably true in my relationship. I am focusing on improving this (Though I am not even communicating in my relationship right now).

Self confidence - I have beaten myself up over mistakes and have felt inadequate in my careers because of different paths that I took to get what I needed - I have been judged by my peers because of this. I have been learning to let this go and just focus on doing a good job to prove myself.

I am hoping to work with my IC for this too.

I work two jobs - I teach, and I operate a design firm - the better I do at these things, the more confidence I have in myself. I am trying to get back into the focus that is required to succeed at both of these. I used to love my work.

GAL - I am a service type person - I like to help other people.

I am not comfortable (at all) in social situations with many people. I dread going to parties. Dread.

Reflecting by my self, exercising by my self are things that I like, but are not out of my comfort zone and not making me a more interesting person. Doing everything with my kids is something that I love too - but at some point I feel like I am depending on them.

GAL has been tough for me. Leaving my responsibilities to go do something fun has ALWAYS been a problem for me.

I will add to this later - thanks for taking the time!!

[Vanilla]

U turn

I am going to ask for further clarification if that is ok?

Have you read the book Codependent No More. That may help you understand how couples interact when they come to depend on each other.

You said that your peers judged you, how was that exactly? It sounds a little like mind reading to me. You want to prove yourself over and over again?

That sounds like it is U turn judging himself critically. You used to love your work? There must still be elements you love.

What exactly is it about parties you dread? Is it a particular type? bbqs, dance, dinner or Xmas. What do those parties have in common? Could you have a birthday drink with a friend but not attend a stag do? Can you go to a children's event and share with other mums and dads? On holiday do you go to the pool?

There isn't much harm in having a prop to relate, a dog, your children a sport or participate in a game, if that makes life easier.

V

[u-turn]

Thanks for the questions V. I don't get a lot of questions here and I find it easier to answer questions than to tell my story. (I will likely answer these in 2 posts - might get long winded)

I have not read Codependent No More - haven't even heard of the word before all of this mess, but doing some research early in my situation I discovered (when I was ready to take the blame for everything) that many aspects of codependency describes me. I have not read much about it in a long time - this is a book that I think I will pick up to learn more.

It is amazing that you picked up on me judging myself in a much harsher manner than everyone else (IC did the same). I have spent much of my life proving myself to everyone (my parents, W, kids, peers) and it still left me feeling like I was not doing enough.

Background information:
I have two careers - architect and teacher. I did not take a normal path to get to either of these careers and work along side people that have taken all of the normal proper steps. It was a long road, but I was self taught, mentored, worked internships, bit off more than I could chew most of the time, but achieved my goal of becoming a licensed architect - but did not go to school for this. I worked my way into managing others with higher qualifications than what I had. This sounds like a dream, but in my head I doubted myself the entire time and thought I was just fooling everyone. I started my own firm where I didn't have to prove myself to others as much but had to sell myself to clients that didn't really care about what school I went to - only that I was good - this worked for me.

Economy sank - had to find more income - local school system asked me to fill in teaching some classes. I fearfully agreed. Self taught again - With some long hours and help from some people, I became a licensed teacher, but again teach along side some that think this is not beneficial for the students. I have to prove myself at school too.

I am not complaining about any of this - this is the path that I have taken and I am thankful for all of the opportunities.

I still like my work (still love to be an architect) But find it hard to find that love and not focus on the entire package life that I had.

I will finish this later
Thanks again

[u-turn]

You said that your peers judged you, how was that exactly? It sounds a little like mind reading to me. You want to prove yourself over and over again?

That sounds like it is U turn judging himself critically. You used to love your work? There must still be elements you love.

What exactly is it about parties you dread? Is it a particular type? bbqs, dance, dinner or Xmas. What do those parties have in common? Could you have a birthday drink with a friend but not attend a stag do? Can you go to a children's event and share with other mums and dads? On holiday do you go to the pool?

There isn't much harm in having a prop to relate, a dog, your children a sport or participate in a game, if that makes life easier.

V

Continuing
this judgement that I feel is probably mind reading - I have actually heard this judgement only a couple times in my life. But have held on to it. I do try to continually prove my self and thus prove my worth. Sometimes, it was my W that felt the pressure of this too. (it is the biggest reason that I started my own business - to refocus on my W & kids while still working). I can further explain this if you want.

Parties and social gatherings:
My quick summary of what I believe makes me anxious is small talk and talking about myself. Seems strange to write this and a little stupid. I am very careful about things that I say. I think long and hard about everything that I say and every response I give to people. I have been told that I say very little, but the things that I say are usually important and well thought out - I feel that this make people anticipate what I am going to say and pressures me. I don't think the things I say are any more important than what others are saying. If someone is talking over me I tend to let it happen. I think I over analyze everything and miss my opportunity to respond to people at a relevant time so I awkwardly stay quiet and listen intently.

I can be around people without talking and I am fine. I am good to be with close friends and family, but will not talk over people to jump into conversations and give my viewpoint. I can have a drink with a friend, but will find any excuse not to attend a stag do (had to look that one up) - or anything similar. I can talk to people (usually one person at a time) at kids events. I did probably depend on W to be the social one and I was the quiet on. I was ok with this but it was probably hard on W.

my IC asked me Do I feel like I am a loner? I don't believe so, but definitely an introvert.

[Vanilla]

It occurs to me that starting your own business is entrepreneurial. Hidden somewhere turn is quiet confidence. So yes this is really worth exploring. Would love to know about that decision because it demands attention and appears out of pattern or your comfort zone!

What would it take to stop judging yourself? Where does it come from? When did you first notice it?

So let's look at "small talk", because small talk is just gobbledygook and in many ways irrelevant. Since almost everyone's personal favourite discussion is themselves then the most important response is talking about them! People love talking about themselves (well most of them) so a quiet shy type who asks questions of others will be in great demand. Remarks such as "that's interesting", "what happened next" and "tell me more" are small talk enough. I think I would like you to know that who you are in that context is in the middle of that bell shaped curve, not an outlier. Neither hiding in the broom cupboard nor life and soul. Sounds ok to me.

I really think if you practice that plus a nod and "huh huh" to start will work. Eventually you can comment if asked "interesting, I need to think more about that". Gradually more thoughts will flow, it's ok you know to be a thinker and consider your responses. it's perfectly fine to be quiet and reserved, we Brits do it all the time. Perhaps you could act English.

V