hold on! - 9

[Cadet]

I found this somewhere. Maybe you should give it to her.

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The 24 “tasks” that a cheater must perform in order for you to heal from an affair

Stop all contact with the other person – forever

Be sensitive when your partner suffers from a trigger

Stop being so selfish

Take responsibility for your actions – and inactions

Stop trying to always be in control

Have some patience

Be trustworthy

Talk about things

Be honest

Show remorse and apologize

Acknowledge the depth of the pain that your affair brought to your marriage

Educate yourself about affairs and relationships

Figure out for yourself why you did what you did

Be thoughtful and reassuring

Stop being so defensive

Be loving and supportive

Stop thinking that the grass is always greener somewhere else

Listen – really listen

Stop blaming your spouse for your affair

Make your life and everything you do an open book

Check your anger at the door

Get some counseling or therapy

Ask your spouse what he/she needs from you on a regular basis

Gratitude or gratefulness

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At this point anything may help.

I'm certain that this won't. ^^^


Starsky

Meaning DONT give it to her!

[Starsky309]

Exactly.

[u-turn]

Yep - I don't think in any way that she would be receptive to ANY suggestions of how I want her to be or get through this. She doesn't want to be controlled in any way - that goes for her privacy too.

[HeavyD]

These are all great tasks.

Pity my WW has no interest in any of them. Full steam ahead with the D and utmost contempt for me. No remorse, no apology, ALL my fault, etc... Sigh

Even if I don't get these things, I will be OK. Just would be nice.

[u-turn]

Today I see the IC for the first time. I don't exactly know what to expect, but know I should force myself to be open with her. I am happy about trying to help myself for a change.

W knows I am going - she has suggested this in the past - but now I feel like she is blaming everything on me again and I feel that this proves it to her. (see u-turn, you have issues and that is what's wrong with everything).

We have been almost silent with each other, she is starting to take over tasks that I usually do around the house, occupying the kids attention while she's there. This really seams to be a complete switch around for the two of us. I feel like I am being pushed out the door.

We did talk a for a minute about the car repair problems (from the accident) the lawyer she hired to handle her dui case. She asked me what I was feeling - I told her I was holding a lot of anger. That's when I told her I was going to talk to someone. She asked if it was a lawyer - I said no, a C.

She asked when, who, where, where did you find her. I didn't want to think she needed to know much of this, but said it was a recommendation from someone. I know this worried her that I had talked to someone enough to get a recommendation for a therapist because again it this could tarnish her reputation.

Later she asked how I was feeling - she knows that my feelings are changing and that I seem to be "trying" less. I thought about it and I really feel empty. (I told her that)

[u-turn]

I had my first appointment with IC yesterday and I can't really evaluate how it went. I went in saying that I wasn't going to hold back on any part of what I was feeling, thinking, or that has happened.

I held true to that and rambled on for an hour until we ran out of time. I don't think I got anything from this except opening all these thoughts and feelings that I have had and have tried to file away. I have another appointment next week.

She did point out something that I guess I didn't realize and never really thought. Maybe I have a hard time functioning because of depression. I never really thought much of my own depression. She asked me about suicide - and I was honest with her, that I thought about it a lot - more often than I like to admit - but would never do that to my kids and W. Those thoughts always haunt me and I haven't been able to get rid of them.

She did say "you've had a really sh!tty year". I agreed.

I talked a lot about the guilt that I carry, how currently my kids are the only thing that bring me joy, but how I feel that I am lying to them and wrecking my relationship with them too.

She also asked me if I have ever considered taking anti-depressants. I have not and do not know much about that - I don't have a regular doctor, but I guess this is something to consider.

I hope the IC gives me some tools or direction and not just open up wounds. I don't really know what to expect. I hope this counselor is the right person to see.

(I wish somehow I can tell W that it would be a good idea for her to see someone about all of the things she is going through). My IC wondered if we were going to a MC. I didn't have a plan for that at the moment.

[Zues126]

u turn- my experience with anti-depressants.

I was a resistor. I REALLY objected to them. Why? I'm not sure. I didn't want to lose "me", and my darkness and silent suffering was part of my personal identity. I didn't want to be this person that was tormented deep down but somehow pills were forcing me to smile, with some internal battle between a dark reality and a chemical artificial optimism. I don't know why I thought that was how it would work, but based on that mental picture I was very reluctant.

That's NOT what happened. Instead I was recommended a very MILD prescription, it isn't really even an antidepressant, but rather a "stabilizer". It just takes the edge off. I used to be very manic, racing thoughts, hard time falling asleep, lots of anxiety. I'd wake up in the middle of the night and journal for pages about what was on my mind. Everything was very extreme. I'd be down, so I'd charge myself up and burst into action to try to outrun my depression, then I'd be out of control fast, then I'd come crashing down. It wasn't bipolar, but there was some cycling at times.

This stabilizer didn't take away my motivation, my energy, or my sensitivity. It just made it MANAGEABLE. I can fall asleep at night and sleep through the night. I don't have extreme anxiety. Emotions can cause me a lot of suffering, but it is tolerable, it takes the knife edge off each little rejection or offense.

I compare it to being outside in the cold (I live in MN and it gets redonkulously cold out). Before I was naked, and it was freezing cold where I couldn't help but be continuously aware of how cold it was. It made it unbearable at times. Now it's like I'm bundled with a coat and gloves. It's still really cold, when the wind blows I am WELL AWARE that it is freezing out, and yes, I get cold. But the wind doesn't cut through me to the soul.

Not for everyone that has a bad day, I believe in natural approaches whenever possible, but I can tell you that if things impact your relationship with your family and yourself, it's ok to get help.

One final thought I thought was interesting. Some researchers were going to do a study of a primitive tribe native to South America that hadn't been indoctrinated with modern medicine. They wanted to study their depressed villagers to see how they handled it. Turns out they couldn't find any. No one suffered from depression. They came to realize it was because of their lifestyle. This tribe like many before it found a way of living that was naturally an antidepressant. Plenty of sunlight. Strong community and family presence. Devoted to spirituality. Plenty of physical activity. Healthy diet.

I just thought that was really interesting, and just shows how poor our choices can be when we throw out what's worked for thousands of years. We celebrate technology so we have electricity and we don't have to work so hard. Then we get depressed from processed foods, lack of exercise, etc. We get excited about our freedom from "societal expectations", then we divorce each other looking for our soul mates, and tear apart families because we're trying to "find our true selves". The funny part is if we just STFU, served our spouse, our community, and our creator, we might just find that true happiness would find us, and we don't have to tear apart what is innately effective to try to "free ourselves" and go hunt happiness down. It just doesn't work.

Hang in U!

[Cadet]

I went on Lexapro for a few months and it was a great help,
Only side effect of was lowering my sex drive which was not really a bad thing.

This is something you can control, I recommend you try it.

[u-turn]

Thank you so much for your perspective on this Zues.

I too have felt that I don't want to give in to an easy chemical fix. I have never done well with medicines that I have taken, I am the one who gets nightmares, depression, and uncontrollable thoughts when I have taken medicine before. So I avoid them - no pain killers, no cold medicine. So I do worry about starting something like this.

But stabilization would be such a benefit to me right now. Maybe this would get me back on track.

Your description of this makes sense to me.

Thanks again for being so generous with everyone here.

[Sotto]

Hi U-turn. If you wanted to try an alternative remedy, I have taken St John's Wort previously and found it good. They say 15 minutes of good aerobic exercise a day helps, and things like gratitude diaries....

Maybe see your Doctor and discuss some options??

T