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#2553206 04/01/15 04:15 PM
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New thread #9

link to end of #8
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553190#Post2553190

THANKS FOR EVERYONE'S SUPPORT AND ADVICE.


Me-45 W-44
S21, S18, D15
T-27, M-21
BD Jan 2014
PA revealed March 2014
In-house separation - April 2015
I filed - Aug 2015
She moved out Oct 2015
u-turn #2553214 04/01/15 04:31 PM
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Thanks so much for your comments Starsky, Vapo, Vanilla.

I do believe that intel is valuable - and I had the intel but stupidly and weakly didn't use it and act on it. Now all of that intel that I collected for so long is just useless painful memories of the entire ordeal.

If I would have "known" how to act originally at BD (way before db), this would all be over in one way or another. If I would have acted when I was kicked again and again with my the intel that I found by "snooping" this would all be over in one way or another.

But now - I have driven this so far underground that I cannot trust anything. But have all of the painful memories and hatred of myself for not acting like and being a man about this.

New intel would be valuable - but again unlikely for me to get unless she makes more mistakes. I am not afraid of the intel - I do not trust her anyway. I have found myself believing that if I am not finding anything, she is just hiding it really well.

I feel that I had the whole db idea completely wrong - and all I heard was give it time, these things burn themselves out. Now I don't know I was not dealing with a WAW - she is/was a devious WW.


Me-45 W-44
S21, S18, D15
T-27, M-21
BD Jan 2014
PA revealed March 2014
In-house separation - April 2015
I filed - Aug 2015
She moved out Oct 2015
u-turn #2553305 04/01/15 08:13 PM
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I have a question:

S-17 is possibly taking a tour of the facility W works at and seeing some of the production areas. He is interested in this type of field when he graduates HS - great!

My problem: there is a potential of OM being there and actually being in contact with S17 - may give him the tour. Of course I am bothered by this - though it may not happen.

Is it too controlling to tell W to not have D-bag come near my son? or - as it is purely business, should I let it go and see what comments S17 has when he comes back. Or ignore it all together - and detach

(I have a phone meeting set up with a IC this afternoon (why should this make me nervous?)

Last edited by u-turn; 04/01/15 08:14 PM.

Me-45 W-44
S21, S18, D15
T-27, M-21
BD Jan 2014
PA revealed March 2014
In-house separation - April 2015
I filed - Aug 2015
She moved out Oct 2015
u-turn #2553313 04/01/15 08:36 PM
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Personally I think a 17 year old is almost legally an adult and can make his own decisions.
I would leave it alone and see what happens,
you are not going to be able to control the
outcome anyway.

How well did you raise your son?
You may now find out.


Me-70, D37,S36
Cadet #2553343 04/01/15 09:43 PM
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I guess this is all about me not getting trampled on. So what can I do about it? - nothing.

How well did I raise my son - very well I hope (hopefully less of a "nice guy" than me.)

Besides S17 doesn't know about any this (A/OM) anyway. (I will shut the conversation down if he comes home and talks about d-bag (don't want to hear about it) - my chance to not lie for W). Though I want to make sure S17 doesn't feel bad about it.


Me-45 W-44
S21, S18, D15
T-27, M-21
BD Jan 2014
PA revealed March 2014
In-house separation - April 2015
I filed - Aug 2015
She moved out Oct 2015
u-turn #2553369 04/02/15 12:01 AM
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Posts: 8,855
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Yes it is about "giving it time". It takes time, lots of time.

That is one aspect, it is time to get your self together. It is time to detatch.

Intel is important so that you can make decisions about your sitch. To know and to protect you, not for torturing yourself. It is a sword and shield not a rack.

The question is U, there is some Intel, there is the OM (dbag). You know his name, where he works and his background. Your analysis should tell you how long this may last. I would think that WW and dbag have regular contact at work so hiding in plain site. If it is any consolation at all only 1 in 100 As ever last more than 5 years and only 2 in 75 make it past 2 years. As burn out.

By using your Intel, by facing this down, you bring reality into fantasy. Blowing the gaff makes the A see daylight. This shortens the cycle. Truth is a strong light into dark corners. Horrid though that is. For me, this is empowering. These dbags are pond scum. In essence you can only be trampled on if you let it be that way. What you did or did not do is gone, it is past, you are here and now this can change for you. If you want it too.

U I am so relieved you are Involved in IC and can discuss this. This is so important. Time for U to really take care of himself.

S17 may already have worked out there is an issue. if this is a boundary issue for you then clearly that needs to be said, otherwise S17 is old enough to have responsibility for his R with his mother. Let S17 have his own feelings in this.

U this will be a new day for you if you choose that.

V

Last edited by Vanilla; 04/02/15 12:09 AM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Vanilla #2553485 04/02/15 12:20 PM
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Thanks V!

My analytical mind does tell me there will be an end to the A (don't know when obviously - and I don't know I will ever be confident that it is a 100% stop) - If that is the case, can I deal with being the safe plan B. It's an ego thing I guess. Will I be always be a plan B? Have I always been a plan B? All of these things I have to work out for myself.

Going back to past intel - she has admitted everything before when I called her out on it (then she says she would stop with him but go back - this is my fault for not being stronger). The latest round she is denying - she says I am paranoid. Admittedly, it is not rock solid evidence, only a trail of receipts and very vague stories with evidence that she wouldn't provide (but said she would). This screams lies to me, but at the moment it is my story and her story.

My way of blowing the gaff would be informing OMW I believe.

I did miss my IC phone call yesterday but it is rescheduled for this morning.

Story: two town police showed up at my house looking for S20 - said he made a call to another county police saying he was suicidal and they were looking for him. I knew nothing about this and haven't talked to s20 in a long time. It was a panicky situation, I tracked him down (S17 had his new phone number and girlfriends phone number). It was a misunderstanding and he made the call for/about his girlfriend. The police went to see her. But the good thing about this is I did reach out to S20, he actually talked to me, and I told him that he can talk to me any time and I love him (he said it first). (I believe W talked to him too, but I don't know about what - she usually blames him and makes him out to be a bad guy). He is going through a lot.

I wish this pain would stop for everyone of us.

Hoping for a good spring day!! (for everyone here too)


Me-45 W-44
S21, S18, D15
T-27, M-21
BD Jan 2014
PA revealed March 2014
In-house separation - April 2015
I filed - Aug 2015
She moved out Oct 2015
u-turn #2553555 04/02/15 03:51 PM
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I would suggest that being in contact with OMW would be counter productive. Firstly it could push OM and WW together, secondly if OMW walks away then that may not be in your interest, and finally WW may split with OM1 and Seeek OM2.

I would have thought that supporting OMs M was in your best interest especially if there are children. You could end up being the bad guy all round.

Being up front with WW is different though " I do not believe you" or "you and I know differently WW". I think it is up to WW to do as she says "WW until you provide X, Y, Z, until you are an open book then I have no trust in what you say" "at this stage WW I can not trust you as I have not had X Y Z that you promised" "by not giving me X Y Z you give me cause to doubt you. My trust has to be earned after all I know about OM". I can restate this in 100 ways with the same message U.

Recently in my sitch, I faced down POW and her H in a pub, I got glam, slap, sassy dress, boots, hair do and big smile. Said hello , was very charming, calm, kind, sassy, and as brave as could be. POW H reaction to V- "wow, mate, your W is gorgeous, you are lucky". Should have seen the look on H face at the time! POW knows that if I wanted that I could intimate to her H that H took her to my Brighton flat. It is enough for me to see the worry on the fishwives face whenever she sees me. H , I am unfraid to tackle this head on. Can I see your phone then? email? FaceTime account? No? Then there is an A, and I will maintain that belief until you are open and honest with me your W.

V

Last edited by Vanilla; 04/02/15 03:58 PM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Vanilla #2553575 04/02/15 05:00 PM
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Yeah, did the same last night.
Asked to see W's phone.
She said no.
I asked what are you hiding.
She said "nothing".
Then show me your phone.
No, you've invaded my privacy in the past.
You started this A Feb 2013.
No.
I have proof - it was an EA at that point but still an A.
You drove me to it.
You've been lying to me ever since. There is no trust here.
Then why do you still want me?
Because I love you - you were a great person. I believe we can fix this.
How can we fix this when you screw up al the time.
You screw up all the time too - we just need to learn from our mistakes, forgive and grow.
[contemplative silence]


M: 59 W: 53
M: 9 yrs
T: 14 yrs
No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine)
W moved out 11/18/2013
D-Day 12/14/2013
W moved back home 12/1/2014
Vanilla #2553577 04/02/15 05:10 PM
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Thanks again V!
This is the path that I have been taking for a year - I am saving my marriage by not exposing and causing a rift in OMs marriage (and waiting this crap out). I carry the guilt of this with me because - I would want to know if I was in OMW shoes. (there is definitely a difference of opinion around here about this topic) and I am so confused about this.

But do I want to be the one to push their snowball down the hill? There are 4 kids and one "unaware" wife over there that seem to have their future in my hands - I know that they are not my problem, but I am a compassionate person - would I be able to handle the outcome if something terrible were to happen to them because of my actions.

If OM was a man he'd come clean to his W and deal with this (or) if I were a stronger man, I would walk right over there and push the snowball.

Recently in my sitch, I faced down POW and her H in a pub, I got glam, slap, sassy dress, boots, hair do and big smile. Said hello , was very charming, calm, kind, sassy, and as brave as could be. POW H reaction to V- "wow, mate, your W is gorgeous, you are lucky". Should have seen the look on H face at the time! POW knows that if I wanted that I could intimate to her H that H took her to my Brighton flat. It is enough for me to see the worry on the fishwives face whenever she sees me.

You sound so confident V - great story - great outcome!

H , I am unfraid to tackle this head on. Can I see your phone then? email? FaceTime account? No? Then there is an A, and I will maintain that belief until you are open and honest with me your W.

This is something I have been getting at with W - and this is what I honestly feel. If there was nothing to hide then she should be happy to prove it (I am/would be). By not proving it, it is not over.

frankly - I do not trust W and don't know if I will ever. Telling her these things have had no affect on her (there's an expectation if I've ever heard one).

----

S17 is taking his tour.

Took D15 to get her eyebrows done - I didn't even realize that was a thing.

Had a short conv. with IC this morning - but only set up an appointment for next wed.

W unloaded a gift - presumably from OM - from the trunk before she left this morning. This "gift" in general is not a big deal - it is actually something that I would give to anyone, male friends included. Beer that we cannot get around here - only from south where OM was just vacationing with his family. This just stinks because it shows that at a minimum the contact and "friendship" is still there. It shows that these two people W&OM do no have a clue that this is a problem.


Me-45 W-44
S21, S18, D15
T-27, M-21
BD Jan 2014
PA revealed March 2014
In-house separation - April 2015
I filed - Aug 2015
She moved out Oct 2015
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