Alpha One, Alpha All #

[alpha99]

I should be clear. She had the phone at all times. She was waving the phone around and I just saw her screen for a second whilst it was in her hand.

I thought it may have been wrong to ask about OM and W with regard to me so I framed it around the kids. For all her mistrust of me, I pointed out I don't know who is around my kids. She has said previously OM is loud and proud about watching porn etc. whilst I'm interested of course in whether A is active or not, I do have genuine concern about who is around my kids.

Don't you think I should have asked anything?

[twinmom]

Sorry, but unless they are in physical danger you no longer get to decide who is around your kids....

I learned THAT very quickly.

[alpha99]

Hard to swallow but point taken. I guess that works both ways too. Should our R not work out, and somewhere down the line I meet someone else, W would have no say in that.

Right now kids are laying in the bed next to me. How I wish I could look after them every day.

So what now for me? W wants to be friendly. That's fine, it's better than fighting all the time. She's still in contact with OM. Is there anything I should do about that? I am GAL and doing things for myself, I just wonder if I should be doing anything else to aid things? I'm doing LRT, and stopping the chase seems to have stopped the damage. She seems intensely focused on her new life though. If we get on in our brief exchanges that would be good but if she's so wrapped up in texting OM and her other friends and new life in general, I don't see it helping much, except maybe to soothe any guilt she may feel (which appears to be zilch). Maybe I just need to give it time for things to pan out.

[Complex]

Alpha please also think about what true love really means.

I did the same thing than you. I made my W feel guilty for things. Little things..big things. Then she ran away from me for complex reasons. Guess what I did. I argued and made her feel bad about it AGAIN. You do the same thing. Is this helpful? Not a bit. Try to imagine..would you want to be with someone who is sooo much better than you..someone who makes you feel worse? It's against every nature.
No matter why our WAS's want to leave, no matter what mistakes they made and for whatever reasons. We are obliged to still give them love. As we have to respect and preserve ourselves in the more extreme cases. But the ONLY true way to reconciliation is respect and love. And love starts within ourselves. We cannot give love when we don't love ourselves and are in peace. You need to work on yourself, become the best you can be, a loving man, father and eventually husband. Get in peace with yourself. Get IC. Meditate. Something. All we hear is W, W, W, OM, OM....




Everything positive coming from within YOURSELF will reflect on the people around you which includes your kids and wife!!

[alpha99]

Thanks complex, your post is excellent. I suppose I have spent so much time previously 'being right' that I didn't stop to realise how my wife would see that. The other side of the coin, as you point out, is no one would like to feel inferior. I understand that...I just never considered it that way before.

Wow, what a realisation. I do need to work on that. I feel I'm moving to a better place. I'm less emotional right now, less reactive. I see good progress. I need to work on respect for my W, and also have her develop respect for me. I've read elsewhere that before reattracting my W that she needs to respect me. I'm trying to set boundaries to earn that from her. I sincerely wish this is the turning of the tide.

[alpha99]

I've had W call me a few times this morning. I missed her calls and so then she rang the landline.

When we spoke she was far more pleasant than she has been in weeks. There was no animosity, no fighting, no talking of trust etc. It felt like the turning of a new page. I'm not naive enough to forget that only yesterday she was still being incredibly angry with me. However, this does feel like the beginning of the next chapter.

W rang and texted ostensibly to see that the children were fine and they went to school OK. I think I am earning her trust again. I am now going to have the kids Thursday for a few hours after school, Fri after school and overnight, all day Saturday, and then drop them off Sunday morning. Since Sunday will be Easter, W has asked me if I want to go back to her house after the kids return from church in the morning to spend some time with them on Easter Sunday. I have accepted.

During our phone call she made a point that it is so much better not to be fighting, and so much better for the children not to see us arguing. I agree. In the back of mind I'm well aware that she is at the very least still in contact with OM. Although I come here and my posts are focused on my W and sitch, I do feel I'm doing a good job of starting to move on in my life. I will be working again from next week. I will have the kids on set days. As per LRT I'm not contacting wife but she is contacting me. Her invite for Easter is not a supervisory thing but rather a chance to spend time together with the kids...and her...all together. I'm not getting carried away with anything at all, not for even a second, but this does feel like a turning point. I don't feel the urge to harass her into talks about R etc. I feel for the first time like I could be around her and actually follow through on what I should have been doing for a while, that is treat her like a friendly neighour, no more, no less. If everything from BD to now has been a steady worsening with heavy jolts of worsening along the way, I feel like this is where the banging the head against the wall is going to stop. I feel like now it's time to begin reversing that damage. Let's hope I'm not posting in a day or two to say I've blown it!

Instead of our call ending with the now cursory and barely audible 'bye', it ended with 'OK, I've got to go, see you on Thursday, bye'.

[Ontheup]

hey alpha

Just be cautious. My wife has also invited me around for Easter Sunday which I have accepted to be with D8 and some family time.

She has also been a bit more chatty this week and friendly. hmm

Don't get your hopes up about anything.

[twinmom]

No mind reading / no expectations.....
She could have invited you to Easter for numerous reasons.

Don't think of it as a turning point, just have a good time and leave it at that.

[alpha99]

That's what I aim to do...

W has shown no indication whatsoever of having a change of heart or wanting to do anything R wise. As I've said, she is in contact still with OM, within the last week described each other as best friends, and was seemingly in contact with him only yesterday. She has mentioned recently little things that make me think he is holding out on a R with her but using her for sex when he feels like. I also get the impression that she would love a R with him based of her saying things like 'he's a player and he won't commit.' I think she is bang in the middle of affair fog right now. I'm sure her sudden softer approach is simply a result of her having fell out with her mother and needing more help in minding the kids so she can work - nothing else.

The key thing for me will be ensuring the children have a great Easter.

I do 'hope' that some time together without fighting/R talks etc as a family might rekindle something inside her. I have zero expectation of it. I will be cool, calm, no getting upset, no R talks etc etc. I've said that before but now I feel certain I can be bright and breezy without getting upset at some point.

I can see myself feeling low afterwards if things go well over the weekend, as strange as that may sound. I've built up a resistance to the anger she displays towards me. If we happen to have a decent time, I think coming away afterwards would be tough. I am going over and over the bit of LRT where it says if S shows some interest etc not to get overly excited. I know she hasn't shown interest but spending time together and getting on well has the potential to spark some overexcitedness in me. I'm aware of its potential and so I need to develop a strategy for it. I plan to not stay too long with the kids on Sunday at her place, keep interaction with W low, focus on the kids, and leave without dragging things out.

[Ontheup]

good plan