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newpand Offline OP
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My other thread has been locked so I guess I need to create a new one here..!

My current situation seems to be in its endgame. W is clearly "at the height" of her A. I had indicated on Tuesday night that I would no longer complain about her staying out late. She seized on this. So on Wednesday, she didn't come home until midnight, and then after leaving on Thursday morning she didn't come back until Saturday midday, and then only for ten minutes (to get new clothes) and not again until midnight on Sunday (last night) having spent the entire time every day and night with OM (their workplace had Friday off). That is-- I moved her stuff into the living room on Thursday morning; she didn't notice until Saturday and didn't use it until Sunday night.

Sunday night (last night) I was awake when she came in, but only briefly. She commented on how happy I seemed (and I was-- I'd had a good day) and I wasn't cold or unnecessarily distant, but I didn't engage her in conversation and I shortly repaired to my bedroom, closed the door, and fell asleep, without saying good night.

This morning I set my alarm for half an hour after I knew she'd be gone. And she was indeed gone. Which means that moving her into the living room sent the right message.. the weather was abysmal this morning, and on any other day she'd have asked me for a ride to the train station (a 1-mile walk).

Tonight I get home at midnight because I'm teaching my class. Tomorrow we have our MC session... which could very well be our last. I didn't cancel it because it's essentially the only time we'll have seen or talked with each other since Thursday morning. I intend to use my own version of the "three sentences", which I think are in line with the boundaries discussion from my previous thread:

"I would prefer that we stay together and work out our differences. But you're right, that is impossible. So tonight we will divide our assets, and tomorrow we'll file the D papers."

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I am sorry to read of your "endgame"

It ain't over until the fat lady sings, remember that. You don't have to oppose the divorce - is that what you want or she wants? But you don't have to make it easy either.

Just because you start the D process, it can take a LOOOOONNNNGGGGGG time for it to end. Think about how you want to play it while you go through the process.


Last edited by HeavyD; 03/23/15 06:58 PM.

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newpand Offline OP
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True-- it doesn't have to be over until it's entirely over... and even then.

As my previous thread showed, I didn't entirely "get" the DB process, because I wasn't yet ready to take the most drastic steps necessary to respond to an utterly-addicted WW. Now that I am ready to pull the trigger, as it were, I realize that I would've understood more clearly if I had likened DB to what in high school we called the "Relationship Vortex." Couples would get together, and then break up... but after the breakup, the longer they continued to be in contact with each other, the more likely it was they would get sucked right back in to a new R. DB is essentially the same principle; once you step away from all the awful stuff, eliminate your dependencies, and become happy again, then you and the R become viable choices again. But the original R has to END first. That, for me, is/was the missing piece. I wasn't ready (or willing) to actually, truly, finally let go.

And now I am.

The thing is, I don't believe I will want her back. Throughout our marriage, I knew that she had her issues, and I knew also that if our R ever went south that those issues would be viciously turned on me-- and they were (boy were they ever). But I thought of myself as kind of a hero who would help her through these problems, and be a rock of stability whom she could depend on. And, until the A, I essentially was, and she very much appreciated it. In fact, she honestly believed that I would be completely unaffected by her A-- both because (due to her low self-esteem) she thought I didn't really love her so deeply as to care so much and, more importantly, because she had never seen me be strongly affected by... well, by anything. She thought I was so in control of my emotions that I was impervious to damage or crisis. But I wasn't, and she saw me fall apart, and she has herself returned to many of the habits and problems that she's had all along.

Which is why I'm willing, now, to let it go. Not because I'm glad to get away from these problems of hers, but because those problems will now be compounded with the permanent "scarring" of the affair addiction on her psyche and in her heart. I can't say that I wouldn't be willing to do the work to keep it together, but the majority of the work would be on her-- and without her showing either a twinge of remorse or a hint of the slightest interest in introspection and learning, it seems beyond unlikely that she would, of her own volition, make the attempt. And I can't (and won't) persuade her to try.

So I'm going to get the D filed, and make it happen. While going through the process, I'm simply going to smile and say "this is what happened, and this is where we are, so let's just get it done and over with."

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NewPand,

You say you want a D so you can be done with it.

Problem with that approach is that you've not done any hard work on yourself then you'll bring those same exact problems to your next R. You must put the focus on YOU and really work on your bad patterns, issues, and issues. If you don't do the heavy lifting, then you'll just repeat the same thing in your next R.

And how about that job search? How's it going?

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"DB is essentially the same principle; once you step away from all the awful stuff, eliminate your dependencies, and become happy again, then you and the R become viable choices again."

That's the worst description of DB I've ever heard. Have you actually read the books?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

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newpand Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: MrBond
That's the worst description of DB I've ever heard. Have you actually read the books?

Ha! Apparently not closely enough. I'll read it again tonight and find out why what I've just said is the worst.

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Still around?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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newpand Offline OP
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I am still here. Thank you for asking. Today was a fairly momentous day.

I've been keeping track of W's comings and goings. Which are pretty much all "goings". Over the past 35 days, she has spent only 8 at home. Over the past week, on the weeknights she had never returned home before 11:30pm (and she has to get up at 6am to prepare for work) and on the weekend she disappeared on Friday morning and didn't come back until midnight Sunday. Then yesterday night, Monday, she knew I was teaching my class and wouldn't be back until some time between 11 and midnight... and therefore she made sure not to come home until 12:30, when she knew I would be asleep behind my closed door.

So today, during what actually was our final MC session-- and of course she was texting OM "I love you" before and during and after the session-- I decided to say "why don't you move out tomorrow and move in with OM? You're already living there anyway." And I was not surprised that she immediately agreed. I was surprised that she then returned that she wouldn't wait-- that she would move out TONIGHT. Which she has done. She is gone, and has taken her cat with her.

I haven't felt this calm and relaxed in months.

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There we go - good for you Newpand!

Well, that at least takes all of the coming and going out from under your eyes and you can move forward with your own life now. Also, W will be with OM 24/7 and who knows how that will go. If other sitches are anything to go by, things may not pan out - but that may take a good while, if that happens at all.

So, how are you going to make the most of your new independence NP?


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Originally Posted By: Toots


So, how are you going to make the most of your new independence NP?


NP, I would also add about your job search...how's that going? Yeah, I am pushing you to get out and secure a full-time employment. It will help with your confidence and self-worth.

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