#44 Here Comes the Sun

[Wet]

Hi Kat, I am wondering how you think you will handle your d14's revelation. I am hoping I can learn from you on this.

My d18 has not come out yet, but she has dropped hints with me. Given my strong religious background, she may have been afraid to talk to me about it. But all of my past "fire and brimstone" has long ago been taken out of me. I guess I'm just looking for conversation starters.

Did your d14 talk to you about it on her own, or did you help her in bringing up the topic?

[kat727]

I have several friends that are gay but don't hang out with them since they are mostly on the West coast. I never even wondered if they were gay or not back in school. When I was a flight attendant most of the male flight attendants were gay but not all of them. I made friends regardless.

Somehow it just hits me a different way being my daughter. Yet, she is still herself, she hasn't changed, just the situation. I honestly am more concerned with the Aspbergers and how that will create challenges. I still am shocked because she doesn't just scream gay to me.

She hasn't asked me much, just wants reassurance that I still love her, which of course I do. She has always been a bit of a hot mess, so I suppose it will just be more of the same.

As for your daughter, you are welcome to share my daughters revelation as an ice breaker and see if she has ideas on how to help my daughter and maybe me since she is around teens and more variety of people in college.

I am exhausted since I slept terribly last night. Too many issues at once I suppose. I will check in and hopefully will have more ideas.

kat

[kat727]

Oh just saw your last question, Tom. She was upset Friday night as her brother said something was gay. He doesn't know. Anyway I was trying to get her to talk to me and I somehow guessed it. Maybe I did have a clue deep down.

kat

[Underdog]

Oh goody. I have the chance to get up on a soap box and spew for a minute.

I don't understand why people give a crap about who others love. If the whole point of this existence is love, why do we feel the need to judge how and who others love? It's enough of a struggle for me to keep track of my own issues and people that I love to worry about others.

I've felt that way for as long as I can remember. But when it became clearly imprinted on my brain was when my colleague and former close friend (who is gay) asked me, "Say, Bets. When you were in high school, did you feel guilty about the person you had a crush on in 10th grade?" I said, "No. His name was Nick, and I had a massive crush on him." My friend said, "Well, I did. I had a crush on my best friend who is not gay, and I felt guilty as sin. I tried to have a crush on some girls and it just felt as unnatural as someone who is forced to write with the opposite hand. And then I had society tell me that being gay was an atrocity in God's eyes."

From that day forward, I haven't had to make any points when illustrating that. I didn't wake up in 10th grade and think to myself, "I wonder why I don't have a crush on Mary instead of Nick?" It NEVER entered into my head. My heart knew what my heart knew. End of story.

There are many animal species that are not heterosexual. Do we condemn them? Would they care? And BTW, my former friend is one of the most kindhearted, generous people I've ever met. He'd give the shirt off his back for anyone that needed it. You tell me who is going to come out in the W column at the end.

I'm in charge of my own salvation, and God knows, I have a lot of work to do all by myself. I'm not going to divert myself into someone else's life.

One of my favorite cousins came out years ago. We were so happy we didn't have to pretend otherwise anymore. He's adorable and sweet and way funny. And kind. I'd rather keep him than most straight people I know. And BTW, my aunt said she always knew too, even though there were always girls parading in and out of her house.

Maybe she's been a hot mess because she is just totally confused by all of this? I was a hot mess at 14 without being gay. She may get her crap together because the cat is out of the bag, so to speak. It takes a lot of energy to suppress secrets.

Love her. You always have, and deep down, you also know that she loves who she loves. She should be able to do that unapologetically. I have a soft spot for kids who have to overcome tougher stuff than the average bear. This had to be really hard for her. As my ^^^ friend said to me, "I wish I could be straight - get married to a woman, settle down and give my parents grandchildren they would adore. But that would be deceitful to everyone, especially the poor woman who wants and deserves all of me but could never have that kind of love." I imagine many people feel that way. I have nothing but compassion for people who make being the best them they can be their priority - even when it hurts those they love the most.

And I have a bigger place in my heart for parents like you. Let's catch up - saw you called when I was on a conference call.

Hugs-
Me

[kat727]

I called home to check on the verdict from the plumber (an area of my ceiling in the basement fell because of a water leak or burst pipe or whatever). I had at least narrowed it down to having something to do with the main floor bathroom sink.

The guy gets there and said it was bad, didn't have the tools to fix it. Will have to have someone else come out. Can't use the sink.

I feel my small savings safety net melting away.

kat

[mishka422]

Oh kat! You have been dealing with quite a lot of challenges this week! So sorry.

I have to say though, the least of these is your D14 coming out. So she's gay, not a problem. She has Asberger's for sure? If she's diagnosed now make sure to get all of that included in her IEP ASAP. Major importance there! She'll need as many services as she can get to make it through high school.

If your D14 is like most of the gay people I know she'll be awkward and unsure about it for several years before she settles into her comfort zone. Just keep doing what you've always done and love and support her. Being gay is just another aspect of her like having brown eyes or being right handed. It just makes her unique.

Bets, I love the way you put that. I'm one of those people who was raised in a Southern Baptist home. Need I say more????? LOL I was preached at most of my life hence all the crazy issues I have with certain things. One thing though that I outgrew long, long ago was thinking that being gay was some sort of 'straight to hell' situation. The boy next door, literally next door (we even shared a bedroom wall in our townhome complex) came out as gay in 1986. He was an actor and stylist and was one of the funniest guys I've ever known. He was about 5 years older than me and treated me like a little sister. Since I was an only child it was a great relationship for me! Even though his mom was totally open minded and didn't ever say one bad thing about him being gay he felt he wasn't accepted by the public in general. This was southern CA, but in the 80's people were pretty freaked out still at that point about AIDS and labeled him. It was sad to watch. One morning in 1992 I was asleep upstairs at about 11am (I worked overnights then) and was woken by banging on my front door. I went down and found the police there asking if I had heard anything unusual. I told them I had been asleep in the back of the house. They were surprised i hadn't been awoken by the gunshot. You see, Scott was so overwhelmed by the lack of acceptance among some other issues that he had gotten in his car in the garage which was at the back of our buildings and shot himself. It wouldn't have mattered if I had heard it, I couldn't have saved him, but if I had heard it I could have called the police and saved his mother from finding him like that. Thank God that being gay is no longer looked at like a disease. People love people. The end! Gender doesn't matter!!!!!

Ok, off my soapbox now.

On to the other issue...plumbing problems are the absolute WORST! I'm so sorry it's turning into something more than a blocked pipe.

[kat727]

The biggest stress of the plumbing isn't the money but my kids overreacting and getting their Dad all a buzz...what an azzhat! He acts like I don't know what I would need to do. After I basically did everything for 19 years!! Oh wait he did take out the trash, mow the yard and wash his own clothes.

Just ticks me off. One thing that came off my stress list, an issue my dad had with a mole, turned out fine. Today my mom gets results from her MRI for her hip and Monday we should know more about her biopsy.

Everything else is on hold. Her being gay, yes really took me off guard. She is really emotional about gay comments and will cry and get upset in a heartbeat. I can't protect her from everybody.

Well today is Goid Friday and I have the day off. What should have been relaxing is stressful due to the storms, they may get over here today, but then I need to figure out the money.

kat

[Underdog]

Kat,

I'm totally in your camp when it comes to robbing Peter to pay Paul. I've had that act down really well since, well, a long time.

That being said, 100% of the time so far, my anxiety, fear and worry hasn't changed the outcome. And 100% of the time, I come up with a solution. Sure, it's about Plan X after A-V haven't panned out, and it's not ideal in my eyes, but I settle for making things work. I'm in a similar position too (less plumbing messes), and I walked around this morning thinking, "I can't believe I pulled this off. Again. I'll be ok." And I am. Again, I can't fool myself that it was an option I'd have taken off the bat, but I find a way.

And you will too. I just bet that having your XH rail was the real trigger.

You've got a lot of stress on your plate right now. When it rains, it pours? Be gentle with yourself. Figure out a way to schedule in some time to do stuff you like to do, even if it's an hour to read by yourself. The answer is to amp up self care when these types of things happen in clumps. I honestly think they happen so that we actually DO self care.

Hugs-
Betsey