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Underdog #2546927 03/12/15 12:55 PM
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Wonka - I just wanted to say I'm sorry about the decline in your stepmother's health. She is blessed to have you in her life!

Sadly, my ex and her stepmother have the exact opposite type of relationship. My ex's Dad died a couple of weeks ago and the whole situation is so volcanic that I'm just waiting to hear about the next eruption.

I'm glad to hear the former Ms. Wonka is being supportive of you as well!

BA

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Wow...been almost over 2 weeks.

Bets & BA, thank you for the kind thoughts and words. My mother has made some good progress in some areas; however, she will never regain her full sight ever again.

I woke up this morning to a short email from Ms. Wonka saying "wow" about the uproar over the laws being passed in Indiana and Alabama that allows "religious" people to discriminate others as they see fit. Crraaazy. I think I've learned a bit more about Ms. Wonka's pattern.

I've already established that she usually reaches out to me approximately at least once per month after long radio silence. The epiphany I've realized this morning is that Ms. Wonka will use any issue to reach out...never coming out directly just to say "hey...how are you?" or anything like that. It makes me go "hmmmm...isn't this interesting?" to borrow from Stubborn's book.

Today, I went to the storage to start clearing out some things. I've been wanting to do this, but been putting it off. It's ridiculous that I am paying for two storage units after clearing out stuff from my late father's house.

I came across this graduate paper that I wrote for one of my classes and I just sat down to read it this evening. I was particularly struck by some prescient comments made over 20 years ago. Then I looked at the title page and it was written just under a week before I asked Ms. Wonka out for the first time. Made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up to attention. Apparently answered some general questions from the professor and I can only guess at them. The paper was autobiographical in a general sense. I'll re-post some salient comments peppered in the paper at various points here.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was insecure for the longest time after the divorce. I was also angry and resentful of how my inner world was in a disaray. These feelings come and go periodically in the present time. I have learned to deal with the divorce.

Interestingly enough, after the divorce my distrust level rose to great heights and I withdrew into myself. To this day, I have not been able to reclaim myself. I have become more and more shy around strangers as the years go by.


The turning point of my life was the divorce. I was absolutely shattered by the experience for I was 11 when I first learned of it. BBlah, blah, blah. On...the downside of the divorce debacle, I was eextremely mistrustful of people that I did not make close friends easily as opposed to superficial friends.

The life adjustment problems I am most concerned about the anticipated deaths of my immediate family members such as my parents, sisters, and grandmother. I would be absolutely devastated if my father and paternal grandmother were to pass away soon.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Crikey! Did I foresee my own MLC??! Gosh, that really raised the hair on the back of my neck. The passing away of my paternal grandmother dealt a heavy blow to me which precipitated my own MLC.

I find it very interesting in how I handled the deaths of my paternal grandmother and father.

My grandmother's death set me squarely on the MLC journey on the USS Wonkie Enterprise.

How I dealt with my late father's death was vastly different than my grandmother's that occurred more than a decade prior to his passing away. There's no question in my mind that I probably would have completely fallen apart if my father had passed away FIRST before my grandmother.

It's funny how events of the past influence your present and in the order they take place. I grew up and matured after my MLC journey which has made me better equipped to confront and deal with my father's cancer and his death. There's no way on Earth that I would have been able to handle this if my grandmother had not passed away first or if I didn't have my MLC.

Yah, I think I was deceiving myself a bit about coming to terms with my parents' divorce in writing that paper. How I felt about their divorce back then and now is like night and day. Viewing things from the DB prism has helped me to really see that my parents were struggling and were trying their best to deal with their own chit in their own ways. They were flawed human beings with very poor coping skills in handling the natural trials, tribulations and triumphs of a marriage in constant transition.

Interesting indeed.

Wonka #2553009 04/01/15 12:27 AM
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Originally Posted By: Wonka
I woke up this morning to a short email from Ms. Wonka saying "wow" about the uproar over the laws being passed in Indiana and Alabama that allows "religious" people to discriminate others as they see fit. Crraaazy. I think I've learned a bit more about Ms. Wonka's pattern.


Oops...meant to say 'Indiana and Arkansas'... crazy

Wonka #2553960 04/03/15 06:14 PM
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Quote:
Yah, I think I was deceiving myself a bit about coming to terms with my parents' divorce in writing that paper. How I felt about their divorce back then and now is like night and day. Viewing things from the DB prism has helped me to really see that my parents were struggling and were trying their best to deal with their own chit in their own ways. They were flawed human beings with very poor coping skills in handling the natural trials, tribulations and triumphs of a marriage in constant transition.


I think all of us at one time or another opts to don rose colored glasses and believe things that aren't true. I know I was guilty of doing that in the past as well. The important thing is that you DID come to see things clearly. You came out of the other side. I find that kind of strength uplifting.

Happy Easter, Wonka!


"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

Albert Einstein
Underdog #2557242 04/14/15 08:28 PM
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Howdy all,

This is fairly quick as I'm behind at work. I've been off the grid, so to speak, for awhile, as my family experienced a very sudden, traumatic death in the family on Friday. It came as such a shock that I've been kind of incapacitated of late. The kind of incapacitation like bomb day - where you can't sleep or eat or think, and everything you read has to be read a few more times just to get some comprehension. I'm still surprised 5 days later.

Yesterday, I played hooky and let D18 stay home with me for the day. We spent the entire time watching movies, and I asked Mr. Wonderful if he'd let me keep her for the night (which he obliged). I ordered out pizza and we watched more movies until it was time for bed.

At the very least, it has me thinking of my family and wishing I were closer to help. But I can only do so much 2000 miles away, so I'll plug on. D21 comes home in a little more than 2 weeks, so I have that to anticipate with a smile.

Anyway, I just wanted you all to know why I haven't been around here or on the Alt. It's just been difficult to comprehend.

Hope all is well with everyone here. I'll try to make a few short visits while I'm logged in.


"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

Albert Einstein
Underdog #2557438 04/15/15 01:11 PM
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I've been wondering.

I'm so sorry for you loss and I get the being 2000 miles away and not being there to offer much needed hugs and share tears.

((( )))


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2557441 04/15/15 01:18 PM
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So sorry to hear this Bets. I am sorry for your loss. Wish there was something I could do - you've been through so much.
Please know I care. I'm sending hugs.

Barb

Underdog #2559360 04/20/15 11:54 PM
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Bets,

I feel like a crud for not getting to this sooner sistah. I am so so so sorry to hear of your loss and the grappling of your emotions.

Take your sweet time to process your emotions. We all could sit around my firepit and drink our favs. Nothing like having women circling the wagons around for support. No offense to the good men here ...but ya know...

(((Bets)))

Wonka #2559894 04/22/15 03:29 PM
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Wonka,

Please don't feel bad that you didn't see this sooner. It's totally fine. I really do appreciate the support, and sure wish we could sit around the fire pit. I could use that.

I've been sitting on my discomfort sofa and trying to sift through some stuff. One is my BFF back home, who is convinced that my fate will join my aunt's if I don't get in a valued R with someone. I'm actually kind of pissed about that. And because I got pissed, I realize I need to dig a little deeper.

Perhaps I'm guilty of retreating more than usual. That's probably true. Perhaps I'm not doing enough to "get a life". That is also probably true. But to my credit, I've had a lot going on - with 3 deaths of people very close to me in the past year, my executor duties for the first one, losing my brother and aunt, and doing all the work to take over formal caregiver duties of D18, as well as the guardianship crapola. It's all emotional stuff, and should I expect myself to go out and "get a life" while my heart is sifting through my feelings? I have a death-grieving hangover, for sure. It's made me not feel like doing much. That also probably includes not doing things that are good for me... like truly committing to the gym, walking, etc.

I do know that I'll take the necessary actions when I'm ready. How long that will take, I don't know. Right now I just kind of feel like I'm putting one foot ahead of the other. I don't think that having a significant other would make me feel or do anything differently, and I guess it still pisses me off that she thinks the answers to all my prayers lie in someone else. She's never been married and has her own idiosyncrasies that have kept her from having meaningful relationships with the opposite gender. And she doesn't have children, so she can't really understand that as a parent, you pretty much put others needs ahead of your own. It's not something I do to put myself in peril, but it's been a necessary evil for the past 18 years. I'm trying to get D18 more independent, and she's doing great with that.

I know this sounds like a slew of excuses. At this moment, they exist until I figure out what I'm doing and where I'm going. I guess ultimately, I don't like being judged. I *will* say that my family understands. We've been gobsmacked lately.

Anyway, that is where I am. Uncomfortable, but knowing the discomfort exists for a damn good reason.

Thanks for the kind words and support - I truly appreciate it!

Bets


"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

Albert Einstein
Underdog #2559917 04/22/15 04:06 PM
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Bets I think you are spot on in your self evaluation on the issue of looking for a significant other. You have way too much stuff you are sifting through and dealing with to add dating on to your plate, especially when you yourself don't feel ready for that. I think you have to want to and have a DESIRE to seek out a significant other and until you are in that place you are doing the smart thing by staying on the sidewalk and instead processing through all of the serious stuff life has dealt you over the last year.

Just my two cents. Take care my friend!

BA

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