First off I didn't take any offence in your tone or response in case that's concerning you though it's always good to query these things if your willing to take the feedback.
Forgive me if I wasn't clear, it was 01:30 here after a long day so perhaps I could have phrased things better.
This may seem a little blunt but what I was trying to say is that when I read your reasons I simply didn't believe them. They are all good reasons and some of them are admirable but I felt like in truth its more about symbolism and gesture than the reasons you gave.
Your reasons were then the plausible justification rather than your true feelings (If I'm right its only because I'm well practised doing this myself, sometimes I even convince me).
Its like the people on here, and that'll probably be most of us at some point, who talk about filing because we want to be done when in reality we don't want to be divorced at all, we want to make some sort of gesture 'to show them' or to feel like we're turning the tables. If we really meant it we would just file, move on and be done.
Maybe its just me but I've seen it a few times, tricked myself a few times and it's a different variant of this I read in your post about the watch.
So I'll re ask the questions. Why do you want to give the watch back? Why in person?
Note not the same question as why do you want to stop wearing it?
By the way I'm always grateful for your input even when its pointed and jabby. It makes me think and I know it comes from someone who has had the kindness and decency to take time to try and help me through this - thank you
Last edited by jim0987; 03/31/1512:16 PM.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
Its like the people on here, and that'll probably be most of us at some point, who talk about filing because we want to be done when in reality we don't want to be divorced at all, we want to make some sort of gesture 'to show them' or to feel like we're turning the tables. If we really meant it we would just file, move on and be done.
Its the old "DETACH" thing that hits us again. We want to feel in CONTROL when that is not going to happen.
I would just keep the watch - FIL wanted you to have it, I think it may cause offense to give it back.
And in no way do I see myself as one of your 'victims', I feel blessed that you took to the time to compose some very thought-provoking posts on my thread. Thank you
Me - 44 Husband - 47 D20, S18 BD - Aug 2013 Moved out - Jan 2014 OW discovered Jan 2014
Regarding you coming across as offensive or harsh in your posts to me personally,..at the time, yeah sure, I thought you were a bit edgy, but not offensive as such. The freely given and thought provoking advice, the 2x4's, which I personally needed, and the kind words from someone who could relate with my sitch helped me so much through the first 8 weeks in particular. I think you're a stand-up guy Mozza, I'm a fan of yours.
Now about this watch.
Ultimately, it's up to you if you give it back or not. If it makes you happy or more comfortable to give it back, then do that. The thing is Mozza, is that you see that watch as more than it is NOW. They may well have given you it as a token of acceptance, but that's what it WAS when they gave it. It's still the same watch Mozza, it's your feelings about it that's changed.
Me 40 W 38 T 23 M 21 S21 S19 D16 S14 BD 19/12/2014 D mentioned 27/2/2015. I filed 08/04/2015, D Absolute 04/11/2015
Might it be an idea to take the watch off and put it in a drawer for a while? There's no great need for you to decide to give it back. If you don't want it, might it be a nice idea to keep it and pass it on to one of the kids when they get older?
To me, keeping the watch doesn't do any harm at all. Returning it potentially might cause some upset...JMHO..
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I second everyone else, do what YOU want and not as a gesture to appease someone else.
To change the topic slightly, just cause I got a chuckle. WW got me a 12' canoe for Fathers Day, (during the height of the A) and right before BD. She said it was so we could have outings as a family.
Well, I DID want to give that back. Have you ever tried to canoe with two kids and one paddler?!? Anyway, it still hangs in the garage.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
Thanks everyone! You're making me rethink what was a very clear decision to me. I might keep the watch a little while longer. I'm truly attached to it, but I'm afraid over time it will become a symbol of failure for me. Think of it like Lance Armstrong's trophies: does he still have a right to display them? For me, this watch is the symbol of my belonging to my family in law. Now that I'm about to D, returning it seems the honorable thing to do. I'm doing it for me. ________________________
Wow, look how many people weighed in! Thank you so much. The watch and my tone are hot topics!
Maybell | I hope you'll come back to clarify your comment about the tone. I'm keen to know how I come across and work on it. Even if it's different from jim0987's reaction, I'd like to know how different people view it.
Calibri | Phew! I was afraid I had a 0.0001% responsibility! ;-) Seriously though, I really hope you'll open a new thread. I'd like to know what's going on with you. And thanks for the feedback on my tone. As you say, I might have to adjust more to my audience. I appreciate that you're very direct, by the way.
jim0987 | You had me there for a moment. Is it like filing for D? Then I realized that DBing does involve defensive actions, such as asking the WAS to leave the MBR, closing joint accounts, etc. The problem with filing is that it pushes forward the legal process that, honestly, we don't want. But returning the watch is in the first category: I don't want to insult my FIL, but I don't want to walk around feeling like a fraud for owning something I don't deserve.
Cadet | Detachment has never been my forte!
TenBook | I'm not sure I get it. I guess you see the return of the watch as a covert contract? Hopefully I clarified above. (now I'm nervous that because I ask for clarification, someone will tell me to watch my tone!)
stacey9 | Thanks for weighing in! As I wrote on your thread, I wrote you because I think you're very close to something wonderful.
Barry | Thanks Barry. Your words mean a lot to me because I know I was not easy on you. I also admire your progress and all that you have to endure on multiple fronts these days. Keep at it: this is not the rest of your life.
Toots | I thought of putting the watch away for a while and it made me realize that I really love it! We'll see.
Old Dog | Thanks a lot for your kind words. I'm very happy to know that you find these resources useful.
MCS | The timing of this gift was odd, but I guess that's what they do (lie) until they are ready to come out. In my mind, there will be someone paddling with you in the coming years! _____________________
I plan on returning to the dating discussion very soon. Stay tuned.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
