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Thanks for updating us stacey9. I always appreciate when people keep in touch.

You know what is the antidote to these blues, to these negative feelings about your H's new life?

Create your own.

Think about what excites you. Really: you now have permission. You've always envied people who dare to take a dance class? Guess what: anyone can do it and so can you. You'd like to play a new instrument? You want to spend a week-end alone on a beach? You want to go to movies every night for a week? You want to eat at the best restaurant in town? You want to wear a bright yellow dress? Attend a comedy show?

I don't care much what my W does because I'm having my own fun. This week-end, I'm going to a city I've been meaning to visit for years. In late July, I'm going to a 3-day music festival, which would have been almost impossible before S. Also, I'm flirting and meeting lots of people. All of these things excite me very much and make me focus on myself and not care as much what kind of fun my WW has. In fact, she moved in almost right away with OM so I suspect she'll be back to square one (routine, disagreements, etc.) while I'll be a happy single guy! Part of me is worried that she'll come back too early and I won't have had the time to do all that I meant to do while single!

It's not that I'm completely detached; in fact I was crying over my S about 15 minutes ago. But as I slowly detach, I try to see the world as a big playground. I ask myself what do I really, really like doing. How long since I've done it? Anything I meant to do but didn't dare? Sure, we can feel abandoned, but we're also freed. Isn't it also exciting? What are you doing with this new freedom?


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Thanks so much Mozza, as always your positivity is inspiring. And thank you for all the new links you have added to your thread, it's so helpful.

I was reading the recent debate on your thread regarding dating, and I saw that almost everyone was against it. And I am too, but...about 4 or 5 months ago I met a guy while out with friends and he was nice and asked for my number. I explained what was going on in my life and why I wasn't ready for dating and he was fine with this. I met him again 2 weeks ago, we chatted and when I was leaving he kissed me. It was so strange to kiss another man and it felt really nice! I don't really want to date him, but it was so good to feel desired and attractive.

I am getting out and meeting new people and I enjoy it. I accept every invitation that comes my way now and I am enjoying myself. Even on weekends when I don't have plans, I find I quite like my own company - cooking a nice meal, some nice wine and a movie and I'm happy!

When I find out about these new developments in H's life it feels like BD again. The pain is not so intense but is still there and makes me realise how much I love him still.

And I love reading your thoughts about the WAS new relationships becoming stale and routine. This gives me hope.

Other changes in my life - S18 is moving out next month for college. Big changes. Just me and D20 left. Hoping he'll visit often if only to get his washing done and a home-cooked meal.

Thanks again Mozza.


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Originally Posted By: stacey9
Thanks so much Mozza, as always your positivity is inspiring. And thank you for all the new links you have added to your thread, it's so helpful.

You're welcome. I've no stats on the use of these links, so it's always nice to know from people who use them.

Originally Posted By: stacey9
I was reading the recent debate on your thread regarding dating, and I saw that almost everyone was against it. And I am too, but...about 4 or 5 months ago I met a guy while out with friends and he was nice and asked for my number. I explained what was going on in my life and why I wasn't ready for dating and he was fine with this. I met him again 2 weeks ago, we chatted and when I was leaving he kissed me. It was so strange to kiss another man and it felt really nice! I don't really want to date him, but it was so good to feel desired and attractive.

Kudos to the man for kissing you! He has more courage than I do, especially after you rejected him the first time.

But tell me, why are you against dating? Your H has left over a year ago, is with OW and is moving to another city. I'm not challenging your position, I really want to know what holds you back from dating.

Originally Posted By: stacey9
I am getting out and meeting new people and I enjoy it. I accept every invitation that comes my way now and I am enjoying myself. Even on weekends when I don't have plans, I find I quite like my own company - cooking a nice meal, some nice wine and a movie and I'm happy!

Good, but not good enough! Especially not the "I accept the invitation I get". Don't let other people dictate what gives you pleasure and joy. Staying home to cook and watch a movie can also become a cop out to do things that thrill you more, but scare you. It is difficult for me to convey it in writing, especially as I know you so little, but really think about what would give you pleasure. YOU CAN DO IT! Now you can! He's gone! You have grown kids who takes care of themselves. Let go of who you think stacey9 should be, and create who stacey9 can be, wants to be.

To me, you sound like someone who doesn't want to leave her comfort zone, even if it's quite narrow, even if it doesn't cover all the ground that gives her joy. You mention that "everyone is against dating" on my thread and so are you, as if it mattered at all to you what everyone else thinks. Are you sure you're becoming your own woman? Because that's what's attractive, that's what will attract any man, including your H. A woman who invest in herself, who knows what gives her joy and goes for it.

I bet your initial reaction is defensive: "No, I assure you, I'm perfectly content!" I challenge this and I encourage you to come back with a couple of examples of things that you'd really like to try. Expand your horizons. You could learn guitar and join a heavy metal band. Yes, you could. Imagine that. Do you see what I mean? You don't have to do what is expected of women in their mid-40s. Anything is possible. The world is your oyster.

Originally Posted By: stacey9
When I find out about these new developments in H's life it feels like BD again. The pain is not so intense but is still there and makes me realise how much I love him still.

You still love him in part because you haven't filled the spot he left empty. I'm not talking about another man, I'm talking about your perception of yourself. You are still stacey9-the-separated-mom, rather than stacey9 the sassy single woman who gets kissed by handsome men. You need to let go of him and create a new you. And it doesn't have to be hard: it's a matter of giving yourself permission, of getting out there. Do what you love! You can! You have permission! Trash that ugly carpet and buy the pink one! Plant tulips in a heart-shaped form on your front yard! Create modern art that nobody else understands! Go wild!

Originally Posted By: stacey9
And I love reading your thoughts about the WAS new relationships becoming stale and routine. This gives me hope.

Hope of R? That's not really how I see it. For me, it's difficult to know that my W is on cloud nine and easier to know that she left me for another normal life. All successful R, including that of my parents for 46 years, involves routine and disagreements. It does not mean that they will split or that H would come back. But to know that she laughs at everything OM says, that they have fantastic sex, that they go out all the time. Well, that's just hard. That's why I think of how R normalize over time, not really to convince myself that this routine will take her back to me.

I don't think you need hope at this point. You need to drop the rope. Not because there's no hope, but because this hope is hurting you. You still think about him, rather than about you. Once your focus is on you, you won't have time for his life.

Originally Posted By: stacey9
Other changes in my life - S18 is moving out next month for college. Big changes. Just me and D20 left. Hoping he'll visit often if only to get his washing done and a home-cooked meal.

How I dread this moment... But let me make a small observation: you cling to the past again. And not even a fun past: washing clothes! When he moves out, over just a few months or years, your relationship will completely transform. Since BD, I talk to my parents almost every day. At first, it could be 5-6 hours a day. Now it can be 1-3 hours. We talk as equals as parents, we talk about sex for the first time in our lives, we talk about grandkids, etc. When you look to the future, get excited about the new it brings rather than hoping that the past, even the boring one, will stay.

Catch my drift?


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Stacey! I have been wondering about you. Thanks for the update.

I like what Mozza wrote, especially this:

Quote:
You are still stacey9-the-separated-mom, rather than stacey9 the sassy single woman who gets kissed by handsome men


I know this was true of me for a while. It was really awkward being semi-single. Now, not so much. I have made new friends, most assume I'm D, because most of them are. They don't ask me questions, or reference my H. We talk about, and do, other things. I don't date, but if my H was moving to another city with another woman, you bet I would.

Anyway, keep us posted!



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Hey - Stacey - how are the legalities going? I know that was a source of some concern for you previously.


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Oh my goodness Mozza, you've given me loads to think about!

Firstly, I'm not against dating at all, it's just that I still feel too vulnerable and raw to be in another relationship. I would much rather just have the handsome guy maybe take me out every now and then and end the night with a nice kiss. Nothing more. The thought of getting any closer than that scares me, as does letting another man into my home and my life. I know I could just take things slowly and see how it goes but I wouldn't want to lead him on.

You are right about my comfort zone, I sometimes don't like to wander far from it. But the invitations I now accept are to things I would never have considered a year ago. Also - my level of fitness is something I'm really proud of - I run about 25 miles a week now which is something I've never done before. But I know I need to do more to stop me obsessing about H's life.

And yes, deep down I do still hope he will realise he's made the biggest mistake in his life. Doesn't everyone here? If things with OW go sour he may remember our good happy times, who knows? I am not sitting around waiting for this to happen and it doesn't stop me getting on with my life.

I think I do cling to the past a bit, especially when big changes come along which I'm not quite ready for! I need to give myself a shake. Thanks so much again Mozza, you've given me loads to ponder!

Thanks for checking in too RPP, I always read your threads, and it sounds like you're doing great!

And Raliced - your H is moving closer to you while mine is moving further away!
In terms of the legalities - I think we may be close to an agreement and he'll finally be free of of paying the mortgage. We've both supplied all documentation required of us and my L is in the process of drawing up a proposed settlement. I am meeting with her on Wednesday. No matter what happens next he is going to be so much better off financially. And he knows it, which is why he's moving to such an affluent area. It feels like his life is on the up - new home, in love, financially secure etc etc. (please don't be too hard on me for saying this, its just how I feel tonight after hearing his news).
Stacey


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stacey9 - I'm glad f it gives you something to think about. In fact, I believe that's the best thing we can get from these boards.

Let me clarify something: it's not about doing lots of things, it's not even about doing new things, it's about doing things you love.

What I'm talking about is fun but it's not easy. In fact, my IC told me that few people ever think about it, even those who go through a crisis like ours. You shouldn't think about "What did I like yesterday?", you should dig deep down and find your self.

Here's a personal example. Over time, I've compromised with my W to decorate our houses and apartments. I like her style (vintage, artsy) and continued to apply it after she was gone. Yesterday, I went to the Museum of Modern Art and I "remembered" that I love modern art. I saw an abstract painting that I wanted on my wall a long time ago, but had forgotten about it. I had an idea of an installation in my living room and now I'm excited about it. So, you see, I went from "I love vintage and artsy, just look around me." to "Actually my natural inclination is towards modern art." Until yesterday, six months after BD, I hadn't even realized what I really like.

But now, imagine the thrill of putting up this installation on my wall. This is me! I'll come back home, look at my wall and just feel great about it, knowing it's really, really me. Even if no one likes it, I'll be super excited, not just pleased.

This is what it's about: being excited about your life.

That's why I'm talking about permissions. When you explore what you like, you should have little moments of "Wait, can I... can I do this now??"

If you really want to live in the country, the idea that your H is moving to a big city will sound boring to you. If you love Dutch painters from the 16th century, hearing that he bought a Jackson Pollock will sound wasteful to you. If you're doing the things you love, there's nothing that he does that will affect you. That's why I suggest that all that he does affect you so much because you're not really doing what you love right now.

This is not to say that you shouldn't challenge yourself to try new things. The two are compatible. I've a secret GAL plan that I refuse to mention to anyone until I've done it because it's new and it scares me and I'm afraid to replace the act with all talk. But it's a plan that's been on the back of my mind for some 20 years.

Why not think about it for a few hours or days and then give us a list of five FUN things that you'd like to do? Any city you'd like to visit? Art endeavor? Theme party you'd like to host? OK, I don't want to anchor your thinking: the page is blank and yours!
___________________

You and this handsome man already have open communications because you've told him about your situation and he's been clear about his interest. My suggestion is that you tell him exactly what you've told us and take it from there.


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I agree Mozza, thank you.

Doing things I love because I can sounds great and I will need to give it some serious thought.

I think I need to let myself grieve over this latest development. I am surprised at the affect its had on me as I was expecting it. When I found out they were living together I was okay. This just feels like he's sailing off into the sunset to start his exciting new life, leaving us all behind.

And I will continue my life too as best I can. I'm sure this is just a little set-back and I will be back to normal in no time.

Thanks again so much for your input.


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stacey9, I came to your sitch because it seems on the cusp of something really exciting. It looks like you need just a little push to see the bright future ahead of you. A single 44 year old woman with grown kids. You're so accomplished yet young and free! I hope you'll do the exercise of giving us five fun things you'd like to do or try. Make sure each of them give you a little tingle of excitement... or more!

(And yes, it's ok to feel pain for this latest development. Don't let it slow you down though.)


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And so he's gone.

He's off to a live in and explore a beautiful city with OW. It's been a tough few weeks with lots of tears and lots of reminiscing.

I know this is for the best. I don't have to worry about seeing them together and I'm pretty sure I won't see him very often, maybe birthdays and Christmas. It's so difficult to detach when I'm still so incredibly attracted to him and ache to touch him every time I see him.

He never spoke to me about the move - he told the kids knowing they would tell me. Just before he left he spoke to me about the kids for a few minutes and I gave him a plaque one of them had made for him years ago. It is very pretty and was painstakingly embossed with the words "best Dad in the world". He took it and smiled, but didn't show any emotion. Giving it to him then just seemed the right thing to do.

I've been thinking a lot about what he said before and after he left me 15 months ago -
"our marriage has been over for years"
"is this it?"
"I'm fed up looking after everyone else and just want to look after myself"
"this part of my life is over and I want to move on to the next part, I don't know how long it will last, maybe a short time, but it might go on and on"
"if I stayed with you I would be unhappy for the rest of my life"
I think he was in love with OW long before he left and he had been planning his escape for a long time.

I know 6 couples who have split up due to the involvement of an OP. Only one couple have stayed the course, they did not marry but have stayed together for the last 15 years and have 2 children together. Another left her H and moved straight in with the OM. They lived together for 5 years and have recently split up. The remaining four have drifted from relationship to relationship and have still not settled down. None of them have reconciled with their spouses.

I sense this is a new beginning for me. I am devastated he is planning his future with OW, but at the end of the day there is still no guarantee everything will work out. As Calibri said, it can't be rainbows and butterflies all the time.

Another good thing is I will no longer hear stories of H and OW, everybody I know has seen them together and has an opinion.

I am moving on. I will never give up hope of a R maybe sometime in the future but at the moment life is for living and I intend to do just that.

Onwards.


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