So, I am new to the forum but I have had my first session which hasn't been so bad. Sorry for length!
Background is important and here is mine. My husband and I have been married for over 12 years (married in 2003). We dated for 3.5 before getting married so we have known each other for over 15 years.
My first relationship in life was all about finding someone to make me feel loved. I had an abusive mother who was divorced twice. I found that in a loser I met while working as a waitress in high school which was my second job. My first job was in a nursing home as a certified nursing assistant. I loved the people but when I lost my first patient that I was really close to, I was devastated and realized this job was not for me. That was my junior year in high school after being a CNA for almost two years.
Anyway, out of this relationship I have a 16 year old daughter who my husband has known since she was a little over a year old. He has been great stepping up to the plate and providing for her. In 2004, hubby and I decided that it would be okay financially if I quit my full-time job at Dell and went to college full-time.
I started college in 2004 and graduated in 2006 with my BS degree in Computer Science. I had absolutely no credits whatsoever and it was quite a feat to finish a four year degree in less than 2 years. I got a part time job at Home Depot to pay for books and everyday incidentals like gas and my car payment and I worked 20 hours a week on campus for my work study money. I also was taking 16 credits in the summer at a minimum and over 20 credits in the fall and spring semesters. My final semester before graduating was 24 credit hours, an internship, 20 hours a week for work study, a 30-35 hours a week at home depot... To say the least I had almost no time at all.
It was in 2006 just before I graduated that I found out my husband had been talking to an ex-girlfriend. When I wanted to confront her because my husband said that nothing was going on he threatened to leave me. I called her anyway. Come to find out he was planning a trip from TN to CA to meet up with her and spend some one-on-one time... All of a sudden, his request to take a trip to see his brother in CA for the salmon run in September made so much more sense because he had never shown that much interest in going before.
He says the emotional affair ended. But I know he continued to talk to her even after that. Not often, but at least 4-6 times a year and his last trip by himself to CA (2013) was to see her get married. He lied about the real reason for the trip and came back talking about divorce but that he watched them take their vows and it gave him renewed hope for us.
Then again in 2009, I found him hiding his phone again, deleting texts, and being covert. I thought he had started up his relationship with Ms. CA only to find out he was talking to the bank tellar who was also married. Supposedly all their conversations were about how bad their marriages were and what they should do to fix it.
In 2009, I decided enough was enough and I needed to make more money so that if I left I would be able to afford all the bills at our home and be there for my kids. So I quit my job as a lead systems analyst and took an IT directors position at another university. I worked constantly. Some because the university was just in need of a major overhaul. They completed cleared out the department and I had to start with hiring upon my arrival and the infrastructure was ages old. And some of it was because i had less and less desire to be home. Not because I didn't want to be with the kids but because the relationship between my husband and I was so bad that all we could do is fight and argue. And after two emotional affairs (still not sure if they were ever physical but I believe they may have both been CA trips by himself happened every year from 2008 until 2013 and the other was local...), I just didn't want anything to do with my husband.
I also found out during this time that I had endometriosis and was in so much pain. When I finally got a semi-diagnosis, I told my husband that I needed to have surgery and he said we couldn't afford it when I new that we could (we had a lot of money stashed away in a checking account and in mutual funds, etc he would just have to put investments on hold for a few months to save up for the surgery or just take it out of the $30,000 he had stashed away in that checking account). It took me two years to finally convince him that I needed this surgery. In those two years, I really stopped doing everything. Mainly because of the lack of caring from my husband who I felt was now ignoring my physical needs as well as my emotional needs but because the pain was just so much that I couldn't bear to stand, walk, sit, lay, run, anything. I just hurt constantly. There were times when the pain was manageable and times when it was so bad that I couldn't even get out of bed.
I stopped helping around the house, I gave up marathon running, I stopped coming home, I just stopped everything. I finally got away from the job that required me to work non-stop in 2013 and started a much better job that allowed me to have normal hours and still get paid what I was making. But I still had not had my surgery until December 2013. After that, things just started looking up for me. No pain, meant i was feeling better but by then my marriage was in shambles. The fighting was just getting worse and no matter what I did or tried to do I was stuck in this paradox. I was over 50 pounds heavier than the day we met and were married, I was emotionally battered by the emotional affairs, and then the arguing consisted of even more negative words and I was called dang near everything but a white woman.
I was trying to spend more time at home, I was trying to lose weight, I was trying... But by then the emotional abuse during the arguing was getting so bad that my self esteem was nil. I felt worthless and just not good enough, like no matter what I did it would never be good enough. Until one night we got into an argument that i was afraid he would actually hit me. Two days later the argument is still going strong and I head to the home depot, I bought locks for the house came home and changed the locks and house and kicked him out. I didn't want my marriage to be over but I couldn't live like this anymore either.
He left, I cried. I was the one who kicked him out and yet I was begging him to come back just two short days later. Looking back now after two months being separated, I am glad that he hasn't. The first month I did all the wrong things begging, pleading, negotiation, etc. The second month, I am starting to find myself again. I started watching what I eat, exercising, and doing things to make me feel better but I was still demanding answers about him being on the same page about reconciling our marriage and began working doing nice things for him instead.
None of those are working... Well, maybe the meals he has been using manners a lot more lately, please/thank you. However, I did have the opportunity for a 180 moment. Husband traded in his 2012 GMS Sierra that was completely paid for truck that was not. I told him while he was doing it that I didn't think it was a good idea and Ithat I hoped he would take my opinion into account. He never said he bought the truck until I went to deliver his breakfast, lunch, and dinner to him the next day and there sat his spiffy new truck. I was furious. I calmly gave him his food and bid him a good day and then later that morning sent him a text. I told him that he has never made a financial decision that has detrimentally impacted this family and so I know that he wouldn’t have made this decision unless he knew full well that the expense was manageable and that I really hoped he was enjoying his new truck. I was still mad about the purchase though. I really didn’t let go of that anger until several days later that is until after I talked to my DB coach and a male colleague at work that I trust who basically told me that he doubted he did it to piss me off it was more about making him feel good. And right now he doesn’t really feel good about himself so the truck was his way of buying that feel good sensation. He may even already have realized it isn’t going to make him happy and is regretting the decision, or maybe not but either way you can’t change it so just let it go.
Hubby has turned down meals every single day since that day. I think he just wants to be left alone. He has been to see two lawyers. I finally went to one and asked for legal advice on the situation. I am more prepared if the worst happens but I have no intention of being the one to file.
My DB coach said I need to go dark. Be nice, cordial, but don’t be the first to make contact. The first couple of days after my session, I didn’t really follow that advice. I was still trying to show my husband that I had changed by sending him daily updates about my exercise progress, progress in the yard. Yeah, that is another one. He took the riding mower, weed eater, and dang near every lawn and garden too we had to our lake house where he is staying leaving me with no way of caring for 5 acres and a huge Japanese garden. So, every time I accomplished something cleaning out a bed, mowing a section of the yard (PUSH MOWING, I went and a bought a push mower…) I would send him and update with a pic. I stopped all contact Sunday. I asked him if he would like to take the kids two nights a week and continue to share the weekends (every other or there about) and after that I went “dark”. Nothing…. Nada… No text. No picture… No nothing. I’m using the walk away spouse technique, hopefully. I want him to initiate contact and then continue to play it cool. I want him to ask me out on a date. I’ll probably accept the first time with no problems but then as he asks more I may have other plans as the book suggests.
But for the life of me, I still keep looking at my phone constantly and when the darn thing goes off I get my hopes up that it is him. I’m ready to smash it because it isn’t doing what I want and because it is hard to resist the temptation of contacting him. I want reconciliation and he just wants out. Right now I think he is hoping to wait me out because I told him flat out it would be a contested divorce (so far lawyers hate dealing with those and I think that is why he hasn’t actually filed yet). So what in the heck do you do when you have gone dark and you have to fight yourself constantly to not make contact. AND tonight is going to be the absolute worst. He is picking up both daughter and son (6 years old) and taking them to spend the night at the lake house (his house). So, it is going to be quiet… TOO QUIET… I have things to do around the house at first but at some point even that gets done and then there is nothing left to do to stay active and that is when the worst of this challenge will begin.
Lord give me strength. I am finding my self-esteem again because I am not hearing the worst insults available to man because he isn’t around to argue with and I’ve dropped 16 pounds with healthy clean eating and exercise. Now I just need to lure my husband back into the fold and get him engaged in our relationship again. Hopefully the ginormous cost of DB coaching will pay off and if not then at least learning to live as a single parent will give me a leg up before the gavel falls. Maybe if I can’t save this marriage on my own we can at least be friends and give our kids a united front that will continue to allow them to grow as individuals. I’m really praying for the reconciliation but I’m starting to do what I need to do for myself and for my kids. I still need lots of help and support though to get me through this DB.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Hi NLS, welcome aboard. You will find a wonderful group of people here, all wanting to support you. Thanks for your details b/c it does help give us a picture of how things have been for you.
Quote:
It took me two years to finally convince him that I needed this surgery.
I also had endometriosis, and suffered several years. My doctor said it was similar to going into labor once a month, there just wasn't a baby to deliver. If this was better explained to our H's, they may at least have a little empathy, but IDK that a wayward man would have empathy for his W if she were on her deathbed.
NLS, your H is more than a WAH, he is wayward. If he has continued this emotional connection with his XGF, there is a possibility that he will refuse to make right choices. He is extremely addicted. An emotional affair is as addicted as a PA. Are you familiar with the PEA? You can research it on the Internet. Basically it explains how what happens to a person's brain and why it works like an addictive drug. He operates out of his emotions, and he won't be logical or rational. He bases everything on his feelings.
I believe Cadet included the link in his welcome post, but if you have not read my thread "For the LBH who has a Wayward Wife", I hope you'll take a look at the first few pages, at least. Although, it is geared for the man who has a WW, it may give you some idea of what you have on your hands.
There are some great ladies here who are in the same boat, and they will probably reach out to you. I hope you will stick with us and post every day possible.
I came here from the other side of the fence, as they say, and this board helped me in my darkest period. My M survived, and although I was the wayward spouse, they helped by telling me what I needed to do. Anyway, I stuck around in case I can do the same for someone else. I have learned a lot in reading these posts the last eight years. Sadly, the stories do not differ very much. I think you may see, as you read the threads, how similar they sound.
I wish you the very best, and I want to tell you that you do not have to settle for a bad M. You are worth having a man who will truly care for you and treat you like you deserve. I hope you will focus on yourself and get your esteem back on a healthy level.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I never thought about his as a wayward spouse or even as these emotional affairs being outright affairs regardless of whether they were physical or not. I found this great article after you posted about this particular notion and it was absolutely spot on.
I've been trying to go dark since last Sunday and mostly successful with the exception of contact related only to visitation with the kids and quick question about whether or not we had a burn ban for burning leaves. Not sure if those count, but literally I have made no contact other than 3 text messages since last Sunday.
Now that all the yard work is my realm, I am finding it very therapeutic to keep busy. My yard, my flower gardens, my home, my children, and most importantly me.
I started out shortly after he left by thinking about an affirmation page in my notebook. I have started journaling my thoughts, feelings, etc. and that is definitely helping too. It made it easier to face life without tears in my eyes. Instead of an affirmation page in a notebook, I went on step farther. The fighting and arguing always contained such negative things... Ugly words that no lady should ever hear. So as I searched for an ink pen to write the opposites of every word I heard (and of course can't find one... kids, especially teenagers...), I ran across the permanent markers instead and it struck me. I have a perfectly good wall to add my affirmations to. Of course, the kids were amazed that Mom wrote on the wall but I'm appreciative that they have not started this themselves. I go to bed every night looking at it and I wake up every morning looking at it. This started me on my way to emotional recovery:
Since then, I have started watching what I eat and exercising over and above my new yard duties and I have lost 16 pounds. At first, no so healthy. Barely eating and was so upset nothing stayed down anyway, but now in the last three weeks the healthy way. I am starting to feel better about me but I was still doing all the wrong things to convince him that I was changing when I should have just been doing what I need to GAL... And let him see it for himself.
No plans to file for the Big D or even an LS. Just going to go dark, work it like a wayward spouse issue/walk away spouse issue and live each day with the best outlook that I can.
Last edited by Cadet; 04/01/1508:45 PM. Reason: Per forum agreement outside links are not allowed
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
So, I am freaking out a bit more... Husband texted at 4:30 am and wants to talk. He is picking up our son today for visitation and later texted and asked if I could put him on the bus that we needed time alone to talk.
Scared to death he wants to have the big D talk but trying to stay positive that this discussion will show me that he is opening his heart. Been dark for 5 days, which has been very difficult! I slipped a little yesterday and sent the following (please note I also posted in the walk away spouse forum but I was reading through other stories and realized that it is better to keep everything to one thread).
Subject: Not an April Fools I Love You, I am certain of that. I want our marriage to last and grow; I am certain of that too. But I know you are not as sure about those things. I am afraid that you will file for divorce and that our marriage will end. So afraid, in fact, that I have tried too hard to convince you to stay. I'm sorry for over-reacting at times. Our marriage needs change. I know that. I want to be part of that change. But I can't do it alone and I can't make up your mind for you. What I CAN do is let you make up your own mind. You need to be sure about what you want. I am going to quit trying so hard to change your mind and I am going to focus on getting myself to a better place. There is a lot to learn through all this. If you decide you want me... Want US, I'm ready to join you in making our marriage better. But until then, I will be more attentive to the things that keep me moving in a healthy direction. Through all this, I want to be a better person, whether or not our marriage survives. I do love you greatly but I am recognizing and accepting that begging, pleading, etc is just downright ugly and that behavior would certainly not entice me to recommit. So, I'm shifing my focus. I'm changing what I can... Being the change I wish to see in others. Losing weight, getting healthy mind, body, and spirit has been my goal starting back last December. I'm shifting my focus to that. I want to be the best me that I can be whether we stay together or not. And in the event that we don't, I hope that my changes and self-discovery will at least allow us to remain friends so that we can continue to help our children find their way in this world knowing that we both love them very much separately.
So that was yesterday... and today he wants to talk... alone... As the day wears on it is getting harder and harder to concentrate. I know he will be here soon within the next 5-30 minutes. I know to stay positive, not engage in an argument, be open... Do a 180 if the opportunity arises... Do the unexpected. No screaming, yelling, etc... Calm, cool, collected... Easier said then done so we'll see how that goes.
He filed for divorce. I was calm through the whole conversation. Friendly. I'm so upset that I'm shaking now that he is gone. This stinks. I know it still isn't too late but it hurts just the same.
He filed for divorce. I was calm through the whole conversation. Friendly. I'm so upset that I'm shaking now that he is gone. This stinks. I know it still isn't too late but it hurts just the same.
I have appointment with my DB coach tomorrow. He has sent me more text messages tonight then he has in the last 4 weeks. But I have only responded to the ones about visitation.
He called the lawyers office and they aren't going to serve me but rather I can pick up the paperwork next week from his lawyers office. He wants to work through the fine details of the divorce this weekend and is supposed to bring me the paperwork he filled out so that I can review it.
I guess I was amicable enough that he feels like we can have an adult conversation and such. He says he wants to be friends like I said.
And then the hum dinger... He said you never know maybe one day like your Dad did we'll get back together. My dad remarried his second wife a couple of years ago.
When he was here and we were talking about his going forward and filing, he was afraid of how I would react but my reaction was not what he expected. I guess he thought I would be angry and upset and have a crying breakdown. And oh how I wanted to.
I told him I was very upset but mostly disappointed. "I feel like you have had one foot out the door for a long time now. I feel like if we had both committed fully to our relationship that we would have found great happiness. I was disappointed that the last fifteen years has led to this. It wasn't what I wanted by any means but there was no point in crying, yelling, being angry. All I can do is keep working toward the best me that I can be." ***I sniffled and my eyes teared up a little but never lost it as I said this***
He is bringing me the division of assets and his requests for visitation and such by Sunday. He said that the divorce attorney went all out including filing for custody but he wouldn't do that to me. He just wants a fair amount of visitation.
I don't want to think about what all needs to go into this and I certainly don't want to get a divorce. I can't make him want to stay and now we are in the friend zone. Just a few short weeks ago I was able to get him to go to dinner with me and then after that it was like he fell off the face of the earth. I kept trying to do nice things for him and kept trying to talk to him.
I went dark Sunday and I know from reading the DB book and the Getting Through to the Man You Love books that I just need to keep up the silence and make him begin engaging. But what if the only engagement that he wants is to talk about the end. What then?
Feeling kind of lost and scared. I really hope my session tomorrow brings new perspective and renewed hope. Right now I'm really low on hope and it is hard to stay positive when there is no hope.
Wow NLS..... my situation sounds very similar to yours except I'm the H that desperately does NOT want my W to finalize anything with me. She filed and I responded, but thats where we sit. Much like your situation, we have been amicable, I protested the D and asked for a final go at the relationship which she refused. So, much like you... I accepted her decision, said it wasn't what I wanted, but I would not fight her.
I feel we are in the same boat in similar rough seas. The only happiness I get is from my kids. But daily, I'm reminded she is not there. Good luck NLS.... just know you've got a fan and someone else in your corner fighting the same battle. You're not alone.
Me-35 W- 30 Married Jul 2010
S - 4 BD - 23 Mar 15 I responded to filing 27 Mar 15 OM suspected in Feb OM confirmed 7 Apr
Song Casting crowns - Broken together (amazing song check it out on youtube)
