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Cherry Offline OP
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Thank you. It honestly fluctuates. It's like I really want to tell him how strong a desire I have for him. But I'm guessing this is a thing he doesn't wanna hear right now?


Me 26 H 25
M 4
T 5
Baby born 4/14
BD: 1/15
EA: 2/15
PA: 4/15
reconciling: 4/15
ILYBINILWY- 11/15
ILY-1/16
ILYBNILWY 4/16
ILY 6/16
ILYBINILWY 6/16
Baby due 3/17
BD 8/16
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 1,098
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Sounds like you handled your talk last night perfectly. Kudos!!!


M - 40's
W - 30's
Two Sons
Living together
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Cherry Offline OP
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It's almost as if he is suspicious of me.. I asked how his day was- I got an answer rather than the standard "fine" like I'd get a few weeks back. I listened, and referred back to an event he told me about at work the other day to show I'm listening to him. But he still goes sits in a different room to me. I know that these things take time though and my consistency is key now and my changes back to myself are for my sanity if nothing else


Me 26 H 25
M 4
T 5
Baby born 4/14
BD: 1/15
EA: 2/15
PA: 4/15
reconciling: 4/15
ILYBINILWY- 11/15
ILY-1/16
ILYBNILWY 4/16
ILY 6/16
ILYBINILWY 6/16
Baby due 3/17
BD 8/16
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 1,098
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Yes. Calm and cool...PMA is for our sanity first and foremost.


M - 40's
W - 30's
Two Sons
Living together
Joined: Mar 2015
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Wow Cherry! Seems like you're chipping away at that wall bit by bit.
Keep up the PMA and the good work! smile


Me:33 W:34
T:13 M:8.5
D mentioned & S 2/13/15
"We can never get back together" 4/2/15
Visited & Mentioned she hasn't filed 4/20/15
"I want to have cats back" 5/4/15
Served D papers 5/8/15
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Originally Posted By: Cherry
Thank you. It honestly fluctuates. It's like I really want to tell him how strong a desire I have for him. But I'm guessing this is a thing he doesn't wanna hear right now?


You can't tell them with words. You have to tell them with actions. That's one of the things my wife said drew her back home, was that I was showing her that I loved her. That does not mean being a doormat. You can lovingly set boundaries and show someone you love them.

You can say it a million times, they aren't capable of hearing it.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
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Cherry Offline OP
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Jefe, do you mind if I ask how you did that? I'm being positive around him and filling the house with love. He's started doing his own laundry. I didn't want to be a doormat and still run around doing everything for him like I was desperate. But I'm not sure if I'm being loving or not or how to draw him back.


Me 26 H 25
M 4
T 5
Baby born 4/14
BD: 1/15
EA: 2/15
PA: 4/15
reconciling: 4/15
ILYBINILWY- 11/15
ILY-1/16
ILYBNILWY 4/16
ILY 6/16
ILYBINILWY 6/16
Baby due 3/17
BD 8/16
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,104
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You've got to let go of drawing him back. You've got to love him because it's the right thing to do and not because you're expecting anything in return. You've got to set healthy boundaries and expectations because it's the right thing to do and not because you're worried it may or may not make him mad.

The week or so before my wife came home I had to establish a boundary.

She called wanting me to go to her mom's apartment where she was staying and pick up a piece or 2 of her mom's furniture and store it in our garage because it was making her stay there a little too cramped. I replied that I was sorry but I was not comfortable doing anything that kept her away from the family longer or helped her to dig-in to this separation any further. She replied with a simple "K" by text and I didn't hear from her again for hours. I was certain that it had set us back some, but it had to be done and said.

The reality is, it helped her come home sooner.

Point is, healthy, strong marriages don't find themselves here often if at all. Figure out your part of it and fix it. Not to win him back but because it needs fixing. Ultimately, pulling away and working on yourself will draw them back in but that cannot be your sole reason for doing it.

My wife told me one of the things that drove her completely nuts was that I stopped calling/texting her unless she did first.

Follow the 37 rules as best you can. Copy them and save them into a word document and change the word "spouse" to your husbands name and personalize the rest of the document, then print it out and read it daily until it's second nature. It really does help.

I got to be honest, though, God played a huge role in this for me, but that's my experience.

You're doing good, kiddo. Hang in there.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
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Posts: 1,746
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Cherry Offline OP
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Thank you jefe. I'm really working on me for my own sanity. When h first dropped the bomb he said "you've changed" and I honestly didn't beliene I had. It's only since that I've had a look at myself and thought "my gosh when did I become this person?!". I am doing lots to get me back and make me positive and get my passion for life back. I have ic today for the first time. I am feeling quite positive about myself and planning vacays! I'm quite happy to becoming me again.
I have stopped messaging him unless absolutely necessary eg about baby, and I have noticed a couple times he has messaged me to say where he is or that he will be home.
His character is still nothing near him though, he is quite moody but not reading into it.
Thanks for the tip re 37 rules. In my note section of my phone I have a few inspirational pieces like the lighthouse story. And I also have great faith in God, I believe this is a test, and I believe that we should be a couple.

I just wish he could end this ea and find his way back. This woman is all the things he usually dislikes in a woman! But I guess she's listening the way I havenf.


Me 26 H 25
M 4
T 5
Baby born 4/14
BD: 1/15
EA: 2/15
PA: 4/15
reconciling: 4/15
ILYBINILWY- 11/15
ILY-1/16
ILYBNILWY 4/16
ILY 6/16
ILYBINILWY 6/16
Baby due 3/17
BD 8/16
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 157
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Cherry, it sounds like you are on the right track. Your posts are definitely more positive than they were at the beginning. Way to go girl!

Originally Posted By: Cherry
This woman is all the things he usually dislikes in a woman! But I guess she's listening the way I havenf.


I essentially said this exact thing to my IC. If you listed OW's traits both physical and personality wise, she was nothing H would have previously liked. It's really not about who the OW is or her traits though. It's about how she makes him feel. Valued, appreciated, supported. Probably similar to how you made him feel at the beginning.

Good luck at IC today. I hope you find it helpful.


Me: 30
H: 35
M: 5 years
S2
Signs of MLC started Feb 2014
BD - PA July 2014
Piecing/reconciling late July 2014
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