Hi Maybel, thank you for responding. He definitely has traits of ASD. Ive told him that many times. Its also partvof wht he understands DS so well, but because of this, does push DS to move fowsrd with life. Currently DS is in collections for not paying nedical2 (we are in Canada). I can't get him to call them, I can't get him to do much of anything, only DH can.
Why I stay. I love and care for him. He is a good man, and the kids love him. My 2 from my first M think he is the best step dad ever. I have 2 kids who lost a parent, 2 who've been through divorce, I rreally don't want to cause nore disruption for everyone. He woyld never say anything to hurt me, even in anger. So I sometimes feel crazy for even considering separation. But you may notice i signed up here in 2008, so it's neen that long that Ive been trying to navigate our life together. Does that make sense?
Found this posted by Ceiri (sp?) on Sandi's story - definitely part of what I needed to see. -------------- This story tells us something about LOVE & LIFE.
My husband is S/W Engineer by profession, I love him for his steady nature and I love the warm feeling when I lean against his broad shoulders.
Two years of courtship and now, five years into marriage, I would have to admit, that I am getting tired of it. The reasons of me loving him before, has now transformed into the cause of all my restlessness.
I am a sentimental woman and extremely sensitive when it comes to a relationship and my feelings. I yearn for the romantic moments, like a little girl yearning for candy. My husband is my complete opposite; his lack of sensitivity, and the inability of bringing romantic moments into our marriage has disheartened me about LOVE.
One day, I finally decided to tell him my decision, that I wanted a divorce.
"Why?" he asked, shocked.
"I am tired. There are no reasons for everything in the world!" I answered.
He kept silent the whole night, seemingly in deep thought. My feeling of disappointment only increased. Here was a man who was not able to even express his predicament, so what else could I expect from him?
And finally he asked me: "What can I do to change your mind?"
Somebody said it right... It's hard to change a person's personality, and I guess, I have started losing faith in him.
Looking deep into his eyes I slowly answered: "Here is the question. If you can answer and convince my heart, I will change my mind.
Let's say, I want a flower located on the face of a mountain cliff, and we both are sure that picking the flower will cause your death. Will you do it for me?"
He said: "I will give you your answer tomorrow...." My hopes just sank by listening to his response.
I woke up the next morning to find him gone, and saw a piece of paper with his scratchy handwriting underneath a milk glass, on the dining table near the front door, that goes....
My dear, "I would not pick that flower for you, but....please allow me to explain the reasons further.....
This first line was already breaking my heart. I continued reading.
"When you use the computer you always mess up the Software programs, and you cry in front of the screen. I have to save my fingers so that I can help to restore the programs.
You always leave the house keys behind, thus I have to save my legs to rush home to open the door for you.
You love traveling but always lose your way in a new city. I have to save my eyes to show you the way.
You always have the cramps whenever your "good friend" approaches every month. I have to save my palms so that I can calm the cramps in your tummy.
You like to stay indoors, and I worry that you will be infected by infantile autism. I have to save my mouth to tell you jokes and stories to cure your boredom.
You always stare at the computer, and that will do nothing good for your eyes. I have to save my eyes so that when we grow old, I can help to clip your nails and help to remove those annoying white hairs. So I can also hold your hand while strolling down the beach, as you enjoy the sunshine and the beautiful sand...and tell you the colour of flowers, just like the colour of the glow on your young face...
Thus, my dear, unless I am sure that there is someone who loves you more than I do... I could not pick that flower yet, and die ... "
My tears fell on the letter, and blurred the ink of his handwriting... and as I continue on reading... "Now, that you have finished reading my answer, and if you are satisfied, please open the front door for I am standing outside bringing your favorite bread and fresh milk...
I rushed to pull open the door, and saw his anxious face, clutching tightly with his hands, the milk bottle and loaf of bread....Now I am very sure that no one will ever love me as much as he does, and I have decided to leave the flower alone...
That's LIFE, and LOVE. When one is surrounded by love, the feeling of excitement fades away, and one tends to ignore the true love that lies in between the peace and dullness.
Love shows up in all forms; even in very small and cheeky forms. It has never been a model. It could be the dullest and most boring form ...
Flowers, and romantic moments are only used and appear on the surface of the relationship. Under all this, the pillar of true love stands... AND THAT'S LIFE
I'm sick today. Everything is spinning. I'm tired and a bit emotional. So I'll share another one.
I think it's interesting to note how often arranged marriages worked out. To me it proves its not who you get as a partner, it's what you do with them. Please take a moment for this one.
If you read my story, then you will see that I am also a nearly WAW. Sandi warned me that there were not many posters here that are potential WAS but who are not wayward. You can read her words and that of MrBond in thread 1 of my story. You can read how low I was and close to disintegration, my recent posts are much much stronger. this is a journey for me to grow and learn.
By not being wayward I mean that I am not in an A or even considering one. Most of the posters on the board are either wayward or dealing with a cheating spouse. This is not me, I am faithful to my vows. I am using DB and standing for myself. When I first came to the board I was deeply down and being regularly abused by my H. It took roughly 8 months of DB to turn my attitude about myself around. Occasionally I get accused of being too positive! My cup in half full kind of girl. It has been hard work, but the one I have put most effort into is myself, not my H or my M but me.
I am likely to still walk away but I will know I put a great deal into resolving my issues. I am quite clear that the only one that I can change is me. Love is a choice, I know now that I love my H. I may never understand that and it has taken a long time to embrace that. I truly believe that when I let go of my desire to hang on to the H that was and embraced the H that is, my higher spiritual power gave back the capacity to love. I am a channel for it.
So, are you in the right place? I asked myself that as in essence who I was did not fit, a woman who wanted out of her M but was not having an EA or PA?
A deeply troubled abused woman with no life and her world completely grey. It is very different today. DB is for me, to help me learn to cope with my life. I can truly say that the kindness, love and support given to me by the generous DBers here may well have saved my sanity and health.
Come on in and swim the water is warm.......... V
Last edited by Vanilla; 04/01/1501:08 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Zues126, I'm sorry to hear you were having a difficult day yesterday. I went back and was reading some of your story.
I think the growth you are doing, and the work you are doing on yourself is amazing - keep it up! I haven't had a chance to look at the link you posted (worked OT last night, and back at it this morning) but I will.
Thank you for your continued messages. One of the best things about this place is having a sounding board, and knowing that people are really listening.
Dani, I think you are M to my H! I can sympathize with you on soooo many levels, including having grown kids living in your home.
My H and I got M a couple of months after his father died, and I was too immature to realize he needed more time to grieve. One month after M, I got pregnant. We were also living in the house with MIL (which usually was filled with relatives/friends). So, yeah, peachy-keen for newlyweds.
Like your H, mine never wanted to do anything or go anywhere. As long as he could watch TV and we had sex, life was fine for him. But I was still a teenager and was having to adjust to way too much too fast.
After our baby was born, I suffered with postpartum depression, and really have had bouts of depression most of my adult life. I have had to take medication for a long time, but you know.....it's better than living with that horrible feeling. Sometimes we can control the "blues" but depression is often beyond what we can control and we have to get help.
Anyway, my feelings for my H with south pretty quickly. My H was not one to make conversation. I, on the other hand, grew up watching my parents talk about everything. I thought that was what M people was suppose to do! I would tell him how desperately I needed him to share his thoughts and feelings with me. Nothing.....zilt. He had no clue about emotional intimacy. His answer to any of my R talks was that we should have more sex. You can imagine how that set with me.
So, our MR was up and down for many, many years. We had a child with a lifelong disease, and it added so much stress to us and our M. Of course, we struggled financially and had other problems that took its toll. Finally, (and the story is simply too long to tell) we stopped having sex and he preferred to fall asleep watching.....you guessed it....TV, instead of going to bed the same time as I did. And Dani, that one action of his had continued from the first month of marriage! If he went to be "with" me, I knew it was to have sex. Afterwards, he would go watch TV. I could not understand why he couldn't see the negative effect it had in our R.
After decades of all of this, I hit a crises, emotionally. I was a nervous breakdown waiting to happen. But before I broke completely down, I took time out to have an EA.
So yeah, not only did I have the WAW heart, I was a wayward wife. I believe there are two types of WAW's. One type is wayward and the other isn't, but it makes a world of difference in those two women.
I will get back with you shortly. I'm in a rush at the moment, but a little bird told me to take a look at your thread. I'm glad I did, b/c I want to tell you that you aren't alone.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Vanilla and Sandi2, thank you so much for your time!
To answer a question, yes there was an EA/PA in there, back in 2011, for about 5 months. It tempted me to leave (more than I was already thinking about it). Thankfully, I was somewhat intelligent enough to remind myself it's all fantasy, and not real life. H found out, but wanted to stay. It was a hard time, as at first, I said I wasn't ready to just cut the OM out of my life, I needed time. So a couple weeks, and some emails and a final meeting to say goodbye, it was done. I was depressed - he was a nice man, and had provided some much needed emotional support and sexual satisfaction that I wasn't getting at home.
I don't condone this, I know it was wrong on so many levels. At the time, I felt just as trapped - was trying to be supportive to H, while helping a son with ASD, while dealing with an XH and his wife (whole other story there) regarding kids, as well as taking care of 90% of household duties AND working full time. I was bound to crack at some point. I had cracked before in 2007(breakdown of sorts). I felt so awful about hurting H. The hurt in his eyes just about broke my heart. So on top of all the existing stress, I had now hurt H and was, of course, being very negative towards myself (negative thinking).
I'm finding this to be such an up/down week. I have a counselling apt tomorrow to help me work out my emotions and how I want to be during this process.
Yesterday I asked H for time to talk tonight. He wanted to know why, which I thought was odd. I said that we need to keep talking. That there were a couple things he had said that bothered me (that he wanted to die, and that he would get a place only big enough for himself if we separated - meaning not take the boys with him). I also said that I wanted to know what he was committed to doing to help the M. I advised I was seeing a counsellor, and that I was looking up information on the internet and was showing commitment to trying to figure things out, however he hadn't actually committed to anything.
Stress is causing my skin to be awful. Thankfully I started a 14 day cleanse/detox (read, clean eating) almost 2 weeks ago, and have lost some weight, and feeling good that way, but I have a bad relationship with food - it's there, and I eat it...and in times of stress, it's increasingly difficult to keep myself away from the kitchen!
Well done on ceasing your EA, that is big important information to know. Whilst there are a few WAW there are very few here in your position, who have discovered an A is not effective and even fewer who have ceased for themselves. Bonnet off to you Dani.
Your dissatisfaction with your M is over a long time, and some of that will have your name on it.
Please can you read Sandi guidelines, I confess to having mine laminated!
It may well be that R talk is unhelpful to you. I doubt if you will get much sense from H and he sounds very down indeed. has H had IC? Is he on anti depressants? is your H working, eating and taking any activity?
Dani you mention eating issues for yourself, are you having IC?
What are you expecting from the convo? What if you only get more of the same?
Are you relying on H for all your needs or most of them?
I think that Dani has some internal work to do first of all and it might be good to take the pressure off H. The words that most of us dread are "we need to talk" especially if we are unsure what to say.
Let H work his stuff and Dani hers. Save complex R talk for later. My advice would be to give yourselves a long rest from R talk. Detatch.
Give yourself some time, remember DB is for Dani and my lovely one you have just begun to Tango.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 04/01/1505:57 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
