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Yes, Bets and Wonka, without My H's push out of the nest, I'm not sure what would have happened. I was in a very dark place.

Betsey, I hope that whatever is causing your anxiety is lessening. My go to for that is meditation or simply, going back to the breath, even for just a few minutes.

It's interesting that you bring up the square peg round hole analogy because I feel that's what my battle has been with S22. I keep saying I'm going to let go and allow but I never really get there. I "allow" all the societal expectations of a 22 yr old male to stir me up and then I'm back to hammering.

I've consciously been taking a bit of break with him. Not going to appts, not reminding him of commitments. No judging him.

I have a tendency to be a harsh judge of others, especially in regard to parenting.

I'm careful about that now because I don't know the whole story, I don't know the challenges others face. And frankly, it's none of my business.

Thanks for dropping by.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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Quote:
I've consciously been taking a bit of break with him. Not going to appts, not reminding him of commitments. No judging him.


Being the mom of a 21 year old person, I know first hand how really difficult this must be for you. Sometimes, the answer is leaving the job of taking care of things on the table for someone to pick up. Actually, that was my very first assignment from our MC when we first separated. I had a tendency to snap up jobs because they weren't being done on my timeframe or the way I wanted the process to go. It was not an incentive to my family members to take on more of the family load. So good for you for taking the right steps, Bug.

Societal expectations are not always healthy. Sure, it would be nice to have a son or daughter who, after turning 18, miraculously took charge of their own train. But it really doesn't happen that way for lots of people.

Quote:
I'm careful about that now because I don't know the whole story, I don't know the challenges others face. And frankly, it's none of my business.


This would be a truly wonderful world if everyone adopted this strategy. If it's any consolation, I sometimes struggle with this as well. But it's usually in times of neglect or abuse... or perceived ineptitude at parenting decisions. Like the parents who let their 8 and 9 year olds ride the train in NYC. I'm a firm believer in modest supervision that is age and situation appropriate. Anyway, it's not always easy. I think my own growth in this area came because I am the parent of a special needs person. It forced me to open my eyes and to see things through the lens of compassion.

Bug, it hasn't been until the past few years that I've publicly accepted my anxiety issues. I think it helped that I can see this familial trait in my extended family on my mom's side. There are lots of things that trigger those fear responses, but I actively work at the laws of attraction and finding ways of calming myself without medication. I will never be cured, and some spots in life are easier than others.

I seem to have hit the trifecta of triggers - losing 2 people close to me in less than 9 months, along with the legal and physical transition of taking my special needs kiddo to adult services, and now I have a large client who got the green light for a very big installation back in January, yet I still don't have the purchase order. This company has a big blue ball and Mark Cuban as the current celebrity marketing tool, and my cash flow has been seriously derailed by this. I'm literally down to my last few dollars in the company checkbook with current liabilities and I'm a work in process when it comes to the laws of attraction. I had hoped that this issue finally left my work life last year. Anyway, I recognize it for what it is: stress.

I've also added another potential pothole in that my D21 will only be home for the first 2 weeks this summer before returning to NY for her 12 week internship. This is a shorter interval than Christmas break, and while I really am excited for her and this opportunity, I'm sad for me, her sister and her dad. I know she's not thrilled about it either, so I'm working hard at trying to be level headed about this whole thing. If I don't, it's another way of viewing the square peg round hole syndrome. My work in this decade seems to be uniquely focused on immediately accepting "what is" and getting balanced as quickly as possible. It is a strategy that works if I get on board fast.

Sorry for dumping here... but maybe there are lessons for all of us here in this mess? I do need to find some time to meditate and pray. Lately, I've had a hostile schedule and when my head hits the pillow, I'm out. I've been painting - recently it's been 2 bedrooms for my guest room/D21 room swap. For some reason, although I'm aching up on ladders, I find the whole process calming. I need a break from painting walls, so my next project are some furniture pieces. Slopping on paint seems to be something that calms me.

Here's to shining light on dark places. Sometimes, it's only the mini flashlight, but that's better than nothing. smile


"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

Albert Einstein
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Bets & Bug,

I think changes and transitions FORCE us to stretch out in ways that were far out of our comfort zones at times. Some with foot-dragging resistance because of our imaginary or unfounded fears on how those changes impacts us. Funny how our little egos play games with/or against the flow of change.



Last edited by Wonka; 03/31/15 04:21 PM.
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labug Offline OP
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"little" egos...mine was as big as a house! smile

Wonka, my opinion is that transition always causes change but the change can be positive or negative. How many people do we know and interact with on a daily basis who fall deeper and deeper into pity party awfulizing? It's all someone else's fault, it'snot fair, bad things always happen to me.

I was one of those people to a degree until I decided that I could be who I wanted to be. In this case, the fault was not in the stars.

I like Pema Chodron's explanation of karma,
"People get into a heavy-duty sin and guilt trip, feeling that if things are going wrong, that means that they did something bad and they are being punished. That's not the idea at all. The idea of karma is that you continually get the teachings that you need to open your heart. To the degree that you didn't understand in the past how to stop protecting your soft spot, how to stop armoring your heart, you're given this gift of teachings in the form of your life, to give you everything you need to open further."
I know I missed transformational change opportunities because I wasn't in a place to move out of my comfort zone, as unhappy as it was.

Luckily I kept getting more chances.

About parenting, there's never an excuse for abuse, physical or verbal. Even when the excuse for hitting is doing it "out of love"

S22's neurologic disorder adds to his confusing picture. It's so difficult to know what's enough and what's too much in light of his abilities/disabilities.

So for now I've decided (yet again) to let it be his problem, which it should be.

Betsey, can't imagine the stress related to a big deal like that wavering. But like most things in life, we have little control. I'm sure you've taken care of what you control. (( ))

Thanks to you both for giving me things to think about.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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Bug,

Thank you for the Pema reference re. karma. Love it.

Hope you are doing well, dear friend.

PS - The gals are coming over next weekend. Wish you could join us too. We'll toast in your honor!


(((((bug)))))


Me & H: 44
D7, D6, S3
Together: 20y, M: 17y
EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10
EA becomes PA: Spring 2011
H filed for D: 09/06/12
D Negotiating began 2/15
OW seemingly gone on 3/15
Still negotiating D






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Hi Bug! I'm thinking of you today. I hope all is well.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
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Labug, I'm hoping you are well. smile



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
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Hello I never written anything before but read so much of what you strong people have gone through ! Can anyone tell me where I can find the post about mutiPoe returns and getting over other woman ? Also coming back too soon thank you linda w

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