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mahhhty Offline OP
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For some reason, I have dived into the issues I had with the X on the sex front. I believe that this was part of both of our love languages. Which we really lost sight of especially after the 2nd child.

This basically summed up a lot of it.

"The person with higher desire usually approaches his spouse with openheartedness and vulnerability. Saying things like "I miss you" and "I want to have sex with you." But when those pleas for connection are met with unresponsiveness, as they often are. Then that vulnerability quickly turns to anger and contempt. Anger is not an aphrodeciact. Anger leads to sexual withdrawal. Sexual withdrawal leads to heightened anger. Heightened anger leads to sexual anorexia. And on and on. Then both people wait for the other person to change. And that is how relationships go down the drain. So what are they supposed to do. Here is what they are supposed to do. He needs to get a grip on his anger, regardless of if he feels short changed or not. Apparently, he needs to spend time with her, talk with her, and be present in her life. He needs to recognize that it is those things that will turn her on. And what does she need to do. Adopt the Nike philosophy and just do it..." - MWD, MWD TedX Talk

Then both people wait for the other person to change. This piece really spoke to me because this was also stated in the Marriage Map material that I read. In regards to the 7 year itch period. The period within a marriage in which a lot of finger pointing occurs. Of all the divorce's that occur, 50% are during this period. Unfortunately, my family is part of this statistic.

He needs to get a grip on his anger, regardless of if he feels short changed or not. I am getting a grip on my anger, taking the initiative to understand what I need to be happy, how I can be happier, and how I can live the life I want. I am learning to STFU, Detach, and GAL for me and my kids.

She has withdrawn from most social media, and therefore I know less than nothing, but the other day she retweeted a picture which stated, "Guys, close your eyes. Imagine you have a daughter. Imagine she is dating a guy just like you. Did you smile? No? Then change."

This was very upsetting to me for obvious reasons. Disrespect, Resentment, Rebellion at its finest. I have been thinking about this a lot lately. I believe she may be stubborn, passive aggressive, and be feeling like a victim, enough to not learn from this and therefore never meet the piecing criteria to move forward together. I don't understand her actions, her feelings or her life in anyway, and have very little exposure. I believe her original premises to mean that she believes getting rid of me will make her happy, regardless of what is in her path to do so. After all she only sees the kids 50% of the time. She made large sacrifices to not address our problems, in hopes of being single and happy, without the foresight that new problems would be created. Unfortunately, according to MWD MWD, Does divorce make you happy? Obviously, I am mind reading, but this feeling/thought/idea is helping me detach further. Realizing, that I need to move on for me. I know less than zero about what she is doing.

That is my journal entry for today.

I know I NEED to have a coparenting meeting with her to discuss:
- The gift/happy time syndrome with the kids (the idea that we feel obligated to buy the kids things so they want to keep seeing us, and perhaps even prefer one parent over the other). This is obviously not a good behavior. We can not give the kids everything they want all the time. It is not healthy.
- Potty Training our S
- Soccer for our D
- How to react when the kids, say they "miss Mommy" or "miss Daddy" what the expectations are?
- Promote their relationship with the other parent

Perhaps after Easter I will address this with her.

Journal Entry done. [drops mic exits stage left]

Last edited by mahhhty; 03/31/15 03:55 PM.

Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2
M - 8/2008
W is not happy - 1/2014
W wants D - 9/2014
W moved out - 11/2014
D filed - 1/23/2015
D'ed - 2/25/2015
Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
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Mahhhty - Your post is heartbreaking. I welled up.

The retweet was very hurtful, I'm sure. You must wonder what kind of an awful man you were. My WW keeps blogging and talking about women empowerment and girl power since she left me. It stays on my mind for hours and days (I stopped following her though). She left saying that she would be a model (of strength?) for our two daughters. It makes me feel like cr@p.

It's good that you don't know what she's doing. In my case, the slightest contact or bit of information brings me down.

What you need is to focus on yourself. It's not news, but my approach to it has recently changed: instead of just being busy, I try to find things that I really enjoy. You know, like when it's your birthday and you wear your favorite clothes and eat your favorite food. But every day. This week-end, I wore a tie with jeans because I love it, but never dare to do it. I felt great.

Finding what I love is a process, made harder by habits, and sometimes I remember stuff that I love that I had set aside. I feel like now is a time of permissions, of doing things that intrigued me, that amuse me, that scare me even. Hopefully you can find your way there.


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
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"This was very upsetting to me for obvious reasons. Disrespect, Resentment, Rebellion at its finest."

Doesn't seem "obvious" to me. You're still trying to mindread her. Not everything she's going to post or write about has to revolve around you.

Let it go. You're only getting yourself mad for no reason.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

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I had never seen those YouTube clips of MWD. (I've seen her TedXtalk, but not those short clips). Man, I wish I could smack my H over the head with those. I feel sad that I didn't find DB earlier. But at least I'll bring new R skills into my next R. That's a good thing. Thanks for sharing that clip.


Me 38 H 40
D 3
T 8 M 6
BD 10/2013

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mahhhty Offline OP
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Mozza - Thanks for the support! And the tie idea! I used to wear them a lot more before I worked from home. My GAL is decent, but that would help kick it up. I have some other ideas I need to move out on soon as well.

Mr. Bond - First. I love your no nonsense approach. Second. You are right. It is time my mind reading and pity party ended.

Claire - Glad you liked those. There are more out there. Under YouTube pages for MWD and twoofusorg.


Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2
M - 8/2008
W is not happy - 1/2014
W wants D - 9/2014
W moved out - 11/2014
D filed - 1/23/2015
D'ed - 2/25/2015
Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 977
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mahhhty Offline OP
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Starsky posted this in the Re: Guide for LBH who has a Wayward Wife

This serves as inspiration and a reminder to read more Greek & Coach.

What Greek says Coach did to win her back:

I will tell you what Coach did to win me back - after I left our home and filed for D. He stopped doing all the other things that got me to the point of walking out of the door. He stopped trying to arrange my reactions. He stopped trying to control what I would think or do. He stopped telling me how I should feel. He stopped telling me what would happen if... He dropped the rope and said WITH HIS ACTIONS: "Greek, I can see that you are hell bent on leaving for reasons that you have made abundantly clear to me. Some of those reasons have merit and I will deal with them for my own sake. But I can't keep you here and I won't try. The action I will take is to work on areas in my life that have contributed to the difficulties in our R and other R in my life; I will begin to take care of myself in a way I have neglected for some time now (GAL); I will handle protect myself against the legal action you took against our M; I will conduct myself with strength and honor." This was and is totally attractive! It's strong. It's confident. It's respectful - both of me and of Coach.

It's not about 'doing nothing.' It's about doing what works - putting the ACTION in the right place.

Greek


Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2
M - 8/2008
W is not happy - 1/2014
W wants D - 9/2014
W moved out - 11/2014
D filed - 1/23/2015
D'ed - 2/25/2015
Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
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They were a great couple. Unfortunately Coach passed away about a year ago. But their posts live on.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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mahhhty,

I am finally caught up on your sitch. The retweet seems like it would be incredibly painful to see - I've seen my STBX post similar things. Like MrBond said though, it may be that the post was not about you. You know her best, of course. I just think that the LBS has a natural tendency to take everything the WAS does personally. I know that I do. I may have given you this advice already - but I would recommend unfriending/blocking her on social media. I personally made the decision to do so when I realized that nothing she ever posted made me feel better. I was apathetic at best and incredibly hurt at worst. Just a suggestion - may not be practical in your sitch.

Best of luck my friend,
- ship


Me 23, Her 21
1S 2
M <1yr, T 7
WAW: She moved out 11/15/2014
She started D process 1/29/15
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mahhhty Offline OP
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Need some advice. W came to pick up the kids today (I'll pick them up tomorrow). She told me that she'll be with her family all day and asked if I would want her to drop the kids off or if I would like any to pick them up at the grandparents and then she add a "so you can see everyone and see what the grandparents got the kids."

I responded with a whatever is easiest comment. I am planning on asking via text tonight or tomorrow AM for her to drop them off. Is that the right course of action or should I go to a family event? The last time I went she tried to sneak out bc she was crying (at Xmas, see first thread).


Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2
M - 8/2008
W is not happy - 1/2014
W wants D - 9/2014
W moved out - 11/2014
D filed - 1/23/2015
D'ed - 2/25/2015
Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 977
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mahhhty Offline OP
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Happy Easter everyone! I hope you all had a wonderful weekend!

Yesterday's dilemma resolved itself fairly easily. Just proved I need to detach more.


Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2
M - 8/2008
W is not happy - 1/2014
W wants D - 9/2014
W moved out - 11/2014
D filed - 1/23/2015
D'ed - 2/25/2015
Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
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