Sandi, I have been trying to detach from my wife. It has taken me years to ralize how unhappy I was with who I had become as a codependent person who relied upon a woman to make me happy. My wife had enough of my grumpiness, and all the rest, checked out and walked away without leaving. I know I was not solely respossible for the strained marriage (she has addmitted as much). Our marriage had lots of flaws and dysfunctions but I know the biggest issue from my side that I've not addressed was being able to treat myself with respect and choose to be happy. Some equate this to detaching my emotional reliance on my wifes affection and approval...i just wrote it as my trying to drop the rope. The problem I've had is really trying to accept that my wife that I've loved for over 20 years does not love me anymore and potentially will never truly love me again...not as a spouse and lover anyway. Also tryiing to come to terms with my flaw of being a controlling, perfectionists has caused some trouble.
At the end of the day, I have been trying to move my life forward and be happy...but I've been week and sad and longing for signs of love and I know o need to do a better job of letting go.
I am, as I type, watching the sun set over the gulf of mexico with a smile on my face. It would be better with a woman in my arms...but that just isn't in the cards today.
Today is beautiful. I am watching the boys swim. Think I am going to take the kayak for a paddle soon. We will see if wife goes...then great, else I will go myself. It was fun the other day. Tonight we are going out with aunts / uncles and some old acquaintance s for drinks and dancing... Will see how that goes. Something that strikes me is the extended family . Wife has a huge family (22 blood aunts/uncles plus scores of spouses and cousins) that I've grown close to in the last couple plus decades. Gone on trips with uncles and cousins...gone to dinners /breweries/wineries with aunts and cousins. They are as much my family as my mom and dads families (grew up not that close to them, so when I started coming around the wife's family seamed so naturally close together that I took to them and they to me). Father in law treats me as a son (they lost only son at age 9 to a tragic accident). Stop focusing on this and get out to have some fun. Am going swimming with boys. ...maybe take them fishing later.
Great day today... Took the family to the beach, went with each of the boys on the lakes to show them how to kayak, had nice pizza dinner shipped in from chicago so the snow-bird in laws and wife's aunt/uncle could have some good pizza. We had cake for older sons birthday.
One weird, troubling thing...we were at lunch and a song came one from vertical horizon...'he is everything'. I thought it was a different song at first and said ooh I really like this one. Wife said really...have you ever listened to the lyrics...it is about the American plight. I looked up the lyrics when I got home...it is the WAW anthem. She is certainly aware of what is going on in our marriage. I have seen What would appear to be great strides towards a better relationship between us...I just cannot figure out if she is just pretending to keep our family together fo4 the sake of the children, to preserve our friendship in hopes of something better, waiting ro finish school and bold, or just protecting herself right now until something better comes along. What a way to live. The last 4 months I have really sat down to try to figure if I can do this on my own. Financially feasible. Logistics feasible...can I deal with not tucking my children in every night. Can I take not hearing my wife snore in her sleep. Can I wake up in the morning and function in an empty house, going to a job I don't want to go to to support a family that is not there any more. I want to screen...but in need to appear strong for now...thank you for letting me vent. I woke up at 3 am last night and wanted so much to hold my wife just 12" away from me...I did not want to wake her...but all I wanted was to hold her close and for her to hold me...to make me feel wanted. Enough melodrama for today... Uugh. Tomorrow is an action filled day. We are going to the everglades for a fan boat tour and some hiking...I can't wait for that.
One weird, troubling thing...we were at lunch and a song came one from vertical horizon...'he is everything'. I thought it was a different song at first and said ooh I really like this one. Wife said really...have you ever listened to the lyrics...it is about the American plight
So I stepped in a land mine today. Wife was taking some selfie of herself while at the beach. Saw that she found the one she liked and I gathered that she texted it. I asked as calmly as I could who she was sending those pics to and she said 'you, who else would I be sending these to.' Then said I was so weird. I just had to laugh out loud. She had indeed sent it to my phone and it arrived while we were talking. AWKWARD!!!
You sound like you are enjoying your break- I'm glad it's doing you some good. Lee up the positivity. That's a good sign surely that W was sending you pictures. I know how you feel about when you seem to get along you are curious as to why, and with regards to the friend thing- that's exactly how I feel with my H. Wether he is being friendly and wants to remain good friends so he knows where I am as like a back up
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
Thx cherry. I Think the positivity and pleasantness is a great thing... Makes me easier to be around. I've noticed it at work, at home at restaurants / stores on the street, wherever...a little eye contact a smile and smalltalk. Especially how people respond and are more pleasant and open back. One of my must 180's.
Sometimes I just want to screen. I see things like wife approaching me to give a hug or hold my arm while we are walking...then snap pulls away instantly just before as if I am leper or I am a porcupine.
Aargh. I keep having conversations in my head that somehow will make me feel better but I know it will just make our marriage worse. I don't know how to clear my aire from the thoughts that maybe she is having an affair whether emotional or otherwise. I've never had proof in the slimmest, just a Whiff of suspicion that makes me feel uneasy. It could even be that she already had one that failed and she is starting to come around. I just don't know. I have no idea if this is something that I breach the subject. I just know that I don't want to keepbramblind down a road putting my heart at risk for more disappointment and hurt where she could be not ever had an affair and she is just not ready to come back to our marriage like that.
Things she has said to me in the last couple of weeks ... She loves my friendship. She thinks I am an amazing father. She appreciated all that I do for our family. She even says I love you...but then she will still cringe if I mention how a specific dress looks on her...I've been focusing on the changes in me to make me a better man for me. Letting her go, that is a struggle.
Last leg of the family vacation. Wife pumped the gas and is driving...she offered and I accepted. Pretty tired after 2 day drive. One awesome Part of the long drive down to Florida and back is it gave me a chance to show more openness in conversation and general more playful and fun attitude the entire trip. No pouting or groaning about anything. She was even testing me on this a couple of times during the trip. I feel like I passed those tests with my reactions...even if it was something I didn't agree with...responded with validation and my own feeling ...agree to disagree style. We are almost to pick up the dog from the sitter, then homw . let's see how vacation wife translates to every day wife
