Alpha One, Alpha All #

[Sotto]

There's no need to tell your W that you are consulting with L's, but I think you should go for a couple of free consultations, just to get yourself to a point where you know how you want to propose doing things in respect of the house. Just tell her you're considering it and will come back to her after the weekend, then get on the phone pronto!

No-one on the site can really help you much with the best course of action to protect yourself and the kids. Our financial and marital circumstances vary so much, you really need an expert who knows your affairs and can give qualified advice.

Best of luck Alpha - got to dash, I'm off dancing now! :-)

[alpha99]

Thank you for all your help and advice Toots (everyone else too). It really is invaluable.

EDIT: Just to add, I did speak to W earlier and agree for her to contact an estate agent for next week to see if they could come out value the house. That in itself isn't much because I want a few free valuations before we proceed any further. Of course if I get legal advice against the sale of the house I will bring that up at some point before the next step in the house selling process should come back, if not before.

Regarding assets, we only have the house. I have a car which I had bought for me after we split. W keeps mentioning it as if I somehow used 'our' money to buy it. I've told her my father bought it for me. Other than that all I can think of is possessions, and we have pretty much sorted that out already.

I did have a look at collaborative law and I definitely think that is the way to go should we have to go down that route.

[twinmom]

No clue what the law in the UK is but in the state I live in assets are ALL marital until you actually file the paperwork. (This includes gifts too... So in my state your wife would have rights to 50% value of the car)
Double check the laws regarding this.

Thank you for all your help and advice Toots (everyone else too). It really is invaluable.

EDIT: Just to add, I did speak to W earlier and agree for her to contact an estate agent for next week to see if they could come out value the house. That in itself isn't much because I want a few free valuations before we proceed any further. Of course if I get legal advice against the sale of the house I will bring that up at some point before the next step in the house selling process should come back, if not before.

Regarding assets, we only have the house. I have a car which I had bought for me after we split. W keeps mentioning it as if I somehow used 'our' money to buy it. I've told her my father bought it for me. Other than that all I can think of is possessions, and we have pretty much sorted that out already.

I did have a look at collaborative law and I definitely think that is the way to go should we have to go down that route.

[twinmom]

random question.....

If your wife makes most of the money (you said you didn't work much right?) Then why didn't she stay in the house with the kids, refinance to make the payments lower and buy you out?

I might not be thinking/understanding things clearly but why did both of you leave a house that you own (not rental)?

[alpha99]

Good question twinmom,

Yes, W earns more than me. She's reduced her hours but could still afford to live in 'our house.' Circumstances fell that she landed a good job whilst I was staying at home minding our two young kids. I work as much as possible, varying between 15-30 hours/week).

Post BD she wanted me to leave. My parents live 6 doors away (maybe 40 metres?) from our house. I figured it was leaving only in name and would be temp. I figured the kids would be at home and I could see them every day. I thought we'd work things out.

I was in shock. I wasn't thinking straight.

I begged and pleaded and cried...and begged some more. I sent texts, wrote letters, bought concert tickets. You name it, I did it. I threatened A exposure to work. I threatened to contact OM. I was a mess. I didn't know about DB/DR then.

Essentially I pushed her out the door with my behaviour post BD. Running in tandem with my own lack of clear headedness, W was acting crazy. She made vehement threats, was violent towards me, waved a snooker at me, threatened to call the police, claimed she had made secret recordings of me shouting at her etc.

All in all she sort solace at her mum's place. Once gone I sleept at home alone on and off. It was lonely. To save on bills and have company I moved into parents' house. My current wage means I couldn't afford to live at home. W obviously doesn't want to live near my parents. She also claims to hate our town. I'd imagine conducting an affair on the doorstep would be hard too.

For myself, another job is the way to go. At the moment, being at my parents, I will keep on with the work I have due to the flexibility of it and because I don't need to earn too much right now. Eagle eyes are also counting pennies to see how much I earn so I can pay out child maintenance.

What a holy mess!

[alpha99]

Good question twinmom,

Yes, W earns more than me. She's reduced her hours but could still afford to live in 'our house.' Circumstances fell that she landed a good job whilst I was staying at home minding our two young kids. I work as much as possible, varying between 15-30 hours/week).

Post BD she wanted me to leave. My parents live 6 doors away (maybe 40 metres?) from our house. I figured it was leaving only in name and would be temp. I figured the kids would be at home and I could see them every day. I thought we'd work things out.

I was in shock. I wasn't thinking straight.

I begged and pleaded and cried...and begged some more. I sent texts, wrote letters, bought concert tickets. You name it, I did it. I threatened A exposure to work. I threatened to contact OM. I was a mess. I didn't know about DB/DR then.

Essentially I pushed her out the door with my behaviour post BD. Running in tandem with my own lack of clear headedness, W was acting crazy. She made vehement threats, was violent towards me, waved a snooker cue at me, threatened to call the police, claimed she had made secret recordings of me shouting at her etc.

All in all she sort solace at her mum's place. Once gone I sleept at home alone on and off. It was lonely. To save on bills and have company I moved into parents' house. My current wage means I couldn't afford to live at home. W obviously doesn't want to live near my parents. She also claims to hate our town. I'd imagine conducting an affair on the doorstep would be hard too.

For myself, another job is the way to go. At the moment, being at my parents, I will keep on with the work I have due to the flexibility of it and because I don't need to earn too much right now. Eagle eyes are also counting pennies to see how much I earn so I can pay out child maintenance.

What a holy mess!

[alpha99]

Not long back from Italian meetup. Had an excellent time. GAL certainly takes your mind off your sitch. Being a quiet person by nature, it takes a lot for me to talk to people I don't know. Making a mess of it in a foreign language certainly lowers inhibitions, particularly when others are of a similar level.

Tonight has inspired me to actively participate in other social events. There's a pub quiz on Thursday I think I'll attend.

I actually spent most of this evening chatting to an attractive women aged probably in her late 30s. Turns out she is recently separated. It was good to just chat (even in Italian) to new people with a blank slate, no preconceptions of you really, no background info etc.

The time spent GAL is the longest I go without some thought about W. Once it was.over I did think of her again. So the answer to that: do more of it.

I came out buzzing and thinking 'you know what, life goes on regardless.' I've read how people move on, time heals wounds, pain subsides etc. Tonight was the first real taste that yes, if everything goes belly up, I can learn my lessons from where I've gone wrong, but also dive into a new and exciting life.

Bring it on!

[alpha99]

I'm still feeling good after last night. I'm going out for a walk now. When I return I will sort out some bill stuff and begin looking into Ls.

I thought I'd post an update on 'signs of improvement' that I see in my sitch. Here it is:

* We have a stable parenting plan that we're adhering too very well.

* W and I are getting on a lot better this last two weeks, both in terms of text and face to face interaction.

* W is more comfortable around me.

* W has called me over non urgent matters.

* W has asked once or twice what I'm up to, how I am doing.

* She seems to be relaxing over me being present in her place. Initially she was very guarded about me snooping around her place. She still is to some extent but is easing off on that.

* W has noticed my sustained change in appearance. I caught her glancing at me in the car once or twice and sniffing out my aftershave.

GAL activities:

Long local walks.
Italian meet up.
Visit to relatives.
Fun activities with kids (at the park, cinema etc).
Joke writing hobby is underway.

* I haven't been to the gym in a few days. I plan to resume that activity ASAP. I plan to extend my GAL list by going to a pub quiz tonight, the aforementioned gym, spending more time with the kids (this afternoon for example), contacting old friends to do something (need to do that still), more visits to relatives (been invited up for Friday night stay overs).

The result of all this is that I am feeling infinitely better about myself. Last night was a turning point. I had a great time last month at the Italian meet up, but this time, being in a room with 10-15 other people, chatting, enjoying myself being immersed in a hobby, making new acquaintances, and being accepted by those people (I have a life long issue with confidence), it all showed me that despite pangs of loneliness (all too often still) and hurtful thoughts over my M/W's A, longing for W etc, that I am turning a page. Life does indeed go on and it is what you make of it.

I'm sure I'll feel down and maybe get upset at some future points (sale of family home is going to be hard to swallow), but I am developing a mindset and a confidence to deal with these things in a lot better way than previously. I don't get emotional around W anymore. She has spotted that. I use agreement whenever possible. I do hope for R of course, but I know I will ultimately be OK if it doesn't happen. My concern is how all this will ultimately affect the childhood of my children if we don't end up having R. That is what truly, really does hurt. I love them so much. They are very happy now but I feel like the wool has been pulled over their eyes. Once that is removed as they get older, where are all the family memories going to be of days out together at the park, the beach, the holidays etc. I never dreamed in my worst nightmares that we would end up here. Those children deserve the best - a happy, complete, united and loving family. I am not just fighting for my M, I am fighting for those children.

[alpha99]

Hmmm...I've just been left a quite upbeat sounding message from W after I missed a call from her. It sounded like she was eating as she spoke. It went along these lines:

'Hi Alpha, it's only me. I just forgot what time you were picking them up (meaning the kids). I don't know whether you said two or three, or what time is was. Just let us know please, thanks, bye.'

I'm not reading much into it. It did cross my mind that her willingness to let me have the kids overnight tonight was simply so she could go out this evening rather than being stuck in once the kids go to bed. Whatever. On the face of it anyway, it's another positive communication from her. At this point that's got to be better than the random craziness I'd been getting from her a short while back.

[alpha99]

I've waited the best part of an hour to call W back. I went for a walk around the park as I did. One, it is a nice day so why not. Two, I don't want to appear that I'm sat in the house doing nothing all the time.

We had a pleasant chat. She has bought the kids toys that they are going to use with me this afternoon - bat and ball etc. She basically wanted to know what time I was picking the kids up as she'd forgotten. She's changed her shift at work now and so dropping them off tomorrow has become 'whatever time suits you really.'

I am getting good at forming agreement with her each time we converse. I made a point of highlighting the nice weather here, how the kids would love to play with the new toys, that those particular toys were a good choice to buy etc etc. W is definitely responding positively to this as now one sentence answers are stretching to two or three, sometimes more. I'm upbeat and happy but without overdoing it or forcing conversation.

As nice as pleasant conversation is, I'm still skeptical of any new 'niceness' in her. It could simply come down to suiting herself.

As mentioned before, I am having the kids overnight tonight when I normally wouldn't. I am glad of more time with the kids of course. W has changed her shift tomorrow from an early to late. Going out tonight wouldn't be an issue for her now due to not having to go to work early tomorrow morning. I guess I shouldn't worry about it, it's up to her at this point what she does. I do wonder if I am being manipulated to suit her own ends though. Time will tell I suppose.