Alpha One, Alpha All #

[Starsky309]

. . . and GREAT thread title!

[alpha99]

Well, I loaded up my IM app and since it shows the last time that people have logged on I can see that neither W or OM had been online for hours. Now, at this time W would have put the kids to bed, and both are online at the same time, with the few minutes I had a look showing they were on/off, on/off - clearly as they open the app to respond to messages every minute or two. I know mind reading is no good and at this point she can do what she wants, but it still hurts to think that she is (most likely) having heart to heart chats, playful banter, maybe even sending pictures to each other as I type these very words...

I am learning to deal with that because there is nothing I can do about it. I don't feel as devastated as I did when finding out about the affair - after all they would appear to be chatting rather than having sex right now. That doesn't stop it hurting though.

[Starsky309]

Then stop checking.


Starsky

[alpha99]

Starksy,

As much as I'm GAL, dealing better with emotions and so on, I do want my marriage to work out of course. I'm confused. I know no snooping is recommended when using LRT but at the same time I thought having some info on A status would be a good idea. Of course I could get along well with her (or not) in forthcoming interactions only to find she runs to OM the second I leave. I can stop checking but how will I know if anything I do is having an affect. Yes, I can do things for myself. Yes, I can try and detach, manage emotions etc. How can I tell if I'm being played for a fool - she may be nice to me for numerous reasons (guilt, childminding, whatever else) - but just cake eating in one form or another.

Maybe I'm asking the impossible. Maybe I just need to accept that since she's had an A, we are separated, she feels the marriage is over and can do/see/screw whoever she likes, and that I should just leave her alone bar child communications and just live my life. To a large extent I am doing that. I know that is to a large part the LRT. I just feel powerless in whether or not it will have any affect. I know, I have no control over her. I feel like my actions may be irrelevant with regard to our marriage. Sure, positive for me as an individual, but even though I'm powerless and not in control I would still like things to work out. Times when I think about the whole thing make me.somewhat frustrated. I guess it's time to distract myself.

[alpha99]

GAL activities (hopefully) for the next week or so:

Poker with friends.
Italian meet up group.
Recommence learning/self study of Italian.
Socialise/drink or two with local meet up group.
Begin writing jokes (new hobby).
Visit relatives.
Take children out somewhere nice.
Visit the gym at least three times.
Go for a bike ride (weather permitting).
Go for a long walk (weather permitting).
Restart work.

That sounds like a pretty full week or so to keep me busy. I haven't worked properly in a few weeks due to being overwhelmed with things at times. Of course I need the money, and since I feel better now I will get back to it. The children will also be on school holidays so I may end up with them more than expected, which would be fantastic.

[Complex]

Looks like we are all sitting in the same boat. Invited for Easter
I don't have anything to your plan. Just don't overthink anything. Just forget about all the things and enjoy yourself that day. That's the best advice I can give.

You are stil too focused on your W. You need to work on this! I went through the same thing. I'm sure you'll get there. There are a lot of milestones, one for me was very recent where I just do not care about my future anymore (R wise) and I know what I want from my life and I got confident enough to know that I can have it. With or without W. Also to understand what love means.
What it basically means is: you stop being reactive, hand over your destiny to God and focus on yourself. Because YOU is the center of all the good things you can do in life, affecting others in a positive way. It's not selfish, it's a start of something greater. So please take the focus off your W. Even off your kids (to a certain extend)..find to yourself!!!
I know you have what it takes.

[DaddyLongShanks]

Looks like we are all sitting in the same boat. Invited for Easter
I don't have anything to your plan. Just don't overthink anything. Just forget about all the things and enjoy yourself that day. That's the best advice I can give.

You are stil too focused on your W. You need to work on this! I went through the same thing. I'm sure you'll get there. There are a lot of milestones, one for me was very recent where I just do not care about my future anymore (R wise) and I know what I want from my life and I got confident enough to know that I can have it. With or without W. Also to understand what love means.
What it basically means is: you stop being reactive, hand over your destiny to God and focus on yourself. Because YOU is the center of all the good things you can do in life, affecting others in a positive way. It's not selfish, it's a start of something greater. So please take the focus off your W. Even off your kids (to a certain extend)..find to yourself!!!
I know you have what it takes.

You sound good. You understand it doesn't have to involve what you know as "wife" today at all, and it probably won't. You will choose to be happy and participate in wholesome relationships.

[alpha99]

MIL is pushing the buttons again.

Yesterday W asked if I could have the kids on Friday so she could go to work (double time it turns out) because MIL won't have them - she had threw a tantrum because W had let me have the kids overnight on Tuesday. A chance to see my kids meant I agreed...after some deliberation so as not to appear too available.

No doubt at all that MIL not getting her own way would have infuriated her enormously. The plan therefore set out was I was would have them Thursday for tea, Friday from school overnight, all day Saturday, and drop them off Sunday. W was fine with that.

She texted me earlier this morning to say now that MIL hasn't seen the kids all week and so I was to forget having them tonight because MIL was having them for tea instead.

I called her back and she answered pleasantly, asked how I was etc. I said I'd got her message and that this went again what we had agreed. I got the usual 'you can't bully me into doing what you want' routine. I think I did an excellent job of handling things. I pointed out this is why we have agreed on set days. W said do you think it is fair that you have them Thursday evening, Friday, Saturday, and drop them off Sunday? I validated her thoughts whilst at the same time pointed out that everything bar Friday was what we had agreed, and I was having them Friday just to do her a favour because her mum wouldn't have the kids after throwing a tantrum. I said it was unfair to call the day I was having them to say now I'm not. I said I could leave having them Friday now and just stick to what we had originally agreed. She huffed and puffed, came up with some alternative arrangements like I wouldn't have them Saturday instead, to which I said I had planned to take them somewhere, but ultimately she wants the money from Friday's work and so eventually relented and said we would leave things as they are.

Clearly MIL is annoyed I'm having them so much and is now sticking her oar in to try and disrupt things. This is what she does. Very controlling, very manipulative. When I first met my W and we were dating (she was 18 at this point), MIL would lock her in her room, cut her clothes up, smashed up her phone, refused to let W leave the house unless she had done X,Y,Z, wanted actively alcoholic relatives to help move our possessions into our new house, tried to pick our mortgage and house decorations for us, threatened to call social services if we gave the children certain food she didn't approve of, sent W every photo of W she had as a child with an accompanying letter to say she hated being a mother...the list goes on and on. A total crackpot. So that's what I'm up against in aiming for any sort of future reconciliation. Upon first meeting her she returned home drunk from a night out and thought she was investigating me by asking a lot of questions...that didn't make sense! Being the first time I had met her I answered politely but right off the bat she didn't like me.

Anyway, I've gone a little off topic with my rant there. W said finally she wants to spend the full day with the kids on Easter Sunday, with the implication I think being that she now won't want me to go up there and spend time together with the kids. We'll see what happens there but no doubt MIL will step in with some grand plan of something to do on Sunday to exclude me from proceedings.

[alpha99]

Barely time to post that last message when W has tried to call me. I missed the call. Eventually texted back to see what she wanted. She called me up. We spoke for about 10 minutes without any argument.

She apologised for changing the plans last minute and said that she knew that was wrong. I congratulated her on being big enough to call back to say she was wrong. I kept talk away from R. She kept emphasising that it was good that we were getting on without arguing. I mentioned MIL and how she was messing things about. W agreed! She said MIL had messed her about and cost her some money in lost wages by letting her down last minute the other day.

W said she had been hostile due to me threatening to expose the A to her work. I validated her by saying she had a right to feel all sorts of emotions in a difficult time like this. She also mentioned me contacting OM in the same breath, although she immediately said 'yeah, well, I'm not bothered by that anyway.' I didn't ask any questions at all about OM but recent posts here have expressed my thoughts on the current situation there.

At one point, whilst saying how it was good we were getting on, she did say something like 'yeah, it good to get on. The relationship between us is over, but we have to get on with each other for the kids. Again, I just validated her by saying it wouldn't be healthy for the kids to see mum and dad arguing all the time.

At the moment my two main sources for dealing with this whole thing are of course DB/DR and ... So, as it stands my plan is to use the LRT but because we will have relatively frequent interactions due to the children, to 'agree' (in other words validate) with her feelings, be empathetic etc without being a doormat or agreeing to things I don't agree with, but in a way that is not overbearing or seen as pursuing. I hope I am able to strike the right balance.

[edz]

Hi Alpha

just catching up with your sitch which is different from mine but our MILs could be twins.

I dont have any advice specifically on the sitch but the only way I found to detoxify effects of MIL was to treat any coms with her as if it was a badly run business (stay polite despite receiving long vitriolic emails etc) my sitch was painful with MIL as we were living in a flat she owned (paying rent etc although she was only "official" with being a landlord when it suited her - there are still repairs outstanding we reported 5 years ago) when I moved out after w had left (she went to stay with MIL) and rented a house she decided it would be fun to say there was no overpaid rent and a huge cleaning cost despite w saying she would sort all that in exchange for my moving costs (I was getting out quickly so w could move there as she couldnt afford rent anywhere of similar size)

What followed was a hate and venom filled exchange from MIL that went on and on. I just replied calmly paid her the cleaning costs and, blissfully, havent spoken to her since.

Loads about my W and MIL on my thread if it helps but the advice of Vanilla was priceless to me in that Its best to leave her to sting herself out like a scorpion.

Assuming your w and MIL have the same relationship mine do, (w is unable to break away from a narcisistic mother with a toxic relationship which even she recognises as well as her friends and my trying to help for 16 years) there is little you can do from your end bar sticking with schedules.

Its a difficult situation which has been better for me of late but with mil selling her place and moving in with w as a staging post before moving north I imagine Im about to have a second dose of interferance!

Keep going Alpha

Edz