Alpha One, Alpha All #

[alpha99]

Previous thread

flip flop, flip flop...

W has just called me and was 'relatively' nice on the phone. She said she doesn't want to argue. Says she understands I miss the kids and it is hard for me. Says that things aren't going to be like this forever, that maybe in a month or so we could make other arrangements. Says that S6 is playing up for her. I validated her a lot better than this morning when she was raging. I did point out that maybe since our kids haven't really seen me much in the last 2 months they are missing me. I did not accept the premise at all that it was them being with me that has caused the children to misbehave. As already pointed out, if anything their exceptional behaviour with me may have only highlighted in the children's minds what they can get away with at 'home'.

She claims she wants to have them settled, be a good mum, do what's right for them etc but that just seems to mean I have to do whatever she wants. Anyway, we have agreed 2 nights for me with another day of picking them up from school and dropping them off after tea.

Finally, finally, we might be getting to the next point of this saga, the point where I hope things do start to settle down, particularly her anger. I am moving on with my life slowly but surely. I am contemplating going out tonight once the kids are in bed (my parents at home too, don't worry, I'm not abandoning them hahaha) to a pub quiz where hopefully I will make some new friends. I think W is stuck living in perpetual anger/confusion for the moment.

I think if we get a few weeks of stability under our belts, a few weeks without any major disagreement, then slowly things may make a turn for the better. I can imagine a scenario where if I just get to interact with W briefly on good-ish terms then things may turn out a little better. I thoroughly expect them not to though, what with the dragon lady in the background pushing all the buttons. I do see big blow ups along the way. However, I have developed a new attitude. Whereas before I would have got angry, ranted and raved back at them, now I am calm and their criticisms/demands/crazy rants are water off a duck's back. I do need to not get drawn into calm debates though. As MWD points out in DB, that can just be a different form of the same thing.

So, after dealing well with the last 24 hours, but ultimately not sleeping well due to the stress of it all, I do once again feel fine. I no longer feel that aching urge to contact W every day over something or other. I do feel detached. It has taken me 2 months to get here, and a truck load of heartache along the way, but I do feel good now! Now it's time to shine!

[twinmom]

Ok you have made zero progress on the know it all, I am better than my wife issues.

You can either be happy or be right.






It's not about just not SAYING anything to her about it, it's truly about not feeling that way anymore. Until you make progress the marriage will be doomed.

[alpha99]

I understand it appears that I am unduly critical of my W. I guess I am, but it is not without validity. How do I reconcile things in my mind that I believe are not just annoying or different to how I would do them, but fundamentally wrong for our children?

Our children used to walk everywhere, had few sweets, little-no fizzy drinks etc. My wife now has really gone overboard on reversing those things - they get taxis or cars everywhere, little-no exercise with her, conveyor belt of biscuits/sweets/fizzy drinks. Their manners are also becoming worse (no please or thank you).

Things like leaving socks around or not washing all the dishes etc I could live with, but how do I reconcile those fundamental issues?

I did think writing that last post out I might get some criticism from people. I guess this is similar to the story in DR about the women who critcised the H for not spending time with their kids, and when he did she criticised him for not doing it her way. I really do understand that. I don't want to be the know it all, I want to be happy. Just this last week there was a UK study that showed how a third of children under 5 years of age already had developed cavities in their teeth. Having my children's teeth fall out won't make me right or happy.

[twinmom]

If you feel that ONLY you are a good parent then why haven't you gone to court to get 100% custody on the basis your wife is neglecting the kids?

Ok this is going to be harsh but I am just pointing things out for your benefit.....

You REALLY don't want to change/see your own flaws, do you? I can tell you one thing, if you treated/viewed ME like you do your wife I would run the other way so fast it would make your head spin.

I believe you said a few times you spoil the kids with 100% attention.... Guess what, as a stressed out mom with 1,000+ things on my mind my H giving the kids all the attention and then the kids coming back demanding the same treatment from me when I had cooking/cleaning/whatever to do would make me want to explode!

Here in the US there is a term called "Disney Dad". It's used to refer to divorced dad's who get to do fun stuff with the kids while mom has the responsibility and then feels guilty......


Ok, more on this later. I have to go to "work"...

Let's just put it this way, I see your point but I understand your feelings aren't going to do anything but cause harm to the marriage.

[twinmom]

...... Disclaimer......
I'm not trying to be argumentative...
I'm here to help you save your marriage NOT validate your feelings...

[twinmom]

Every single person on this forum could post saying, "alpha, your right. Your wife is a horrible mom. Your so amazing. What's wrong with her"

Would it save your marriage? NOPE!!

[mvgfwd2]

You should make it clear to your kids that they should behave at the mom's as if you were there. And you will know if they don't. Layout your expectations of their behavior. You may not be with them as much but you have to be a full time parent anyway. It may require corrective actions when you see them to reinforce that you are serious.

[alpha99]

I take on board all your criticism. You're right, saying I'm better than my W doesn't solve anything. I do believe there are valid criticisms of her but I need to find better ways of expressing my displeasure, and on many occasions of course biting my tongue and saying nothing at all.

W is still in contact with OM. I know this for sure. We were at parents evening and as ever she was on her phone. I caught a glimpse of her sms list. The second one down (so second most recent) was OM.

Later on outside I said I had seen her phone and asked was she still seeing OM. She was angry I had seen her phone but answered she isn't with him, he hasn't been to the house, and they are just friends. She said I had a cheek asking. I said when it comes to who is around my children I believe I have a right to know.

She is very mistrusting of me. She talks of my constant threatening behaviour, which is ridiculous. Twice when upset I have said I'd expose her affair. Not in weeks have I done that. If I say anything that doesnt agree completely with her then I'm threatening her and being nasty in her eyes. She hesistated over allowing me having the children at the school, saying I had an evil look. She said she couldn't trust me, her dad said she shouldn't trust me as far as she could throw me, that I might run away with the kids. Does any of this sound crazy or is it just me?

I did take the kids as it turns out. Not before she was going to call her folks to see if it was alright. She vented her anger once more, I largely just took it, validated it, said again I've no hidden agenda. Ultimately we agreed to try and be nice with one another.

[alpha99]

My post above was from a few hours ago.

Since then we've had an update. W called earlier under the guise of saying goodnight to the kids. After doing so she tells me she has fallen out with her mum.

She was the nicest she's been in weeks if not since BD. We talked a bit and it turns out her mum isn't happy (understatement alert!!!) I'm minding the kids. Her mum, controlling schemer she is, would rather I didn't exist. So W going against her wishes and her not having control has meant she has spat out her dummy and won't mind the kids for W as planned on Friday. Of course W being nice to me now as she wants me to mind them instead. I said I'd have to consult my calander and let her know if I'm free. I said if I'm not it's not done out of spite. We discussed this and W seemed to understand that to be true.

I think I will take them Friday. I don't want to be a doormat but feel I should make the most of W/MIL rift. By myself having the kids it will only fuel that for MIL

I feel without MIL poking her nose in (understatement alert!!!) I'd be a lot further along in this whole thing. What kind of evil person demands her D keep children away from their F ?

I have to take into account before I get carried away that W is still actively in contact with her 'friend', the OM.

Oh, as I'm slowly grinding this out on mobile W has texted 'Hope kids been okay... Hope we can work something out help each other out .'

Any thoughts/advice on what to do?

[twinmom]

Sitting in car line so I only have a few moments......

She fired you as her husband. You DON'T get to control who she is around. Snooping to see if affair is still in progress to make sure she isn't "gaslighting" you is one thing but what you are doing is snooping to be controlling.

Honestly, I would have had the same reaction your wife did to the snooping. You DON'T have any right to control who she talks to, hangs out with, spends money on.

Have you thought about an IC? You have some major control issues to work on.