Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 6 of 11 1 2 4 5 6 7 8 10 11
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 72
H
Hurt06 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 72
When is it ok of to start reach out to her?


M44 H37
D13 S8 S6
Married 14
W is stay at home mom
ILYBNIWY:9-28-14
A started 04/2014
OM confirm 11/24/2014
Admit PA 01/05/2015
09/11/2015 W file for D and wants the moon
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
Quote:
Can any wives check in on the complete loss of all desire to be intimate. To me this just seems very unhealthy for her to be feeling this way?


I want to shake you and tell you to listen! You are getting the vets, those who have experienced this, and even the wife who lost all desire to be intimate!

Yes, I had zero desire to be intimate with my H.

Next, you are going to ask how long was it before we had sex. You are not hearing us. You are jumping around firing questions, which is fine......if you'll hear what we are saying. We can't give you a specific time frame, b/c nobody can.

Quote:
but I'm trying to dial in on the true problem


I disagree. We have told you the true problem, but you won't accept it. You are really trying to dial in on an excuse. You didn't get an excuse from (at least three) vets, so you pass it over and are still looking for a short, time framed, magic answer. Your W turned wayward and had no excuse to do what she did.

Quote:
When is it ok of to start reach out to her?


Reaching out how? With physical affection? Sexual touching? I suggest you do not initiate any sexual touches as long as she's not wanting intimacy.

However, you can start with a few, light non-sexual touches. Keep your hands (or mouth) away from touching her hair, anywhere on her face, ears, neck, hands, boobs, and below the waist, except feet. In other words, don't touch her anywhere unless you would touch your grandma in the same place. And yes, there are other places left to touch a woman's body. smile

If you are referring to reaching out to her in another way, be more specific, please.

And btw, I do not think you should just look away, when you know she is lying. Has she always lied about little things? Why would you tolerate it? Why would you not call her out when she lies to you? If she is not held accountable for what she says and does, then what kind of MR do you expect to have presently, or in the future?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 72
H
Hurt06 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 72
Thanks Sandi so much for the insight

I have not touched her accept when she hugs me before I leave to travel out of town. No sexual contact at all or even hand holding for almost 2 weeks. I have stopped texting her unless she texts me and my texts are brief and upbeat. Just trying to stay consistent as everyone here is recommending and doing my best to follow the 37 rules.

I'm sorry if I seem to be all over the place with my questions but this started as a WAW 7 months ago, looks like a MLC, and has twisted into the affair which I think is over (she says since mid DEC) . I'm in the blender and just trying to put together the pieces to help me understand how I got here so that I never fall into this again.

WW doesn't seem accurate for my sitch as she is still a very loving mother and is doing the best she can with the kids. She has stated that she is trying to figure out how to be in love with me again. However, she also states that the damage she has done she can't see how it will ever get any better and she has no idea how we are going to survive this....she seems very remorseful at times and the guilt seems to be eating at her.

By reaching out to her I mean send her a text and ask "how her day went", or "hope your having a nice day"

Its pointless to leave her a VM as she never picks it up and her VM is full. Its not just me though she does this to everyone.

As for the lies, she has always lied and I have confronted her thousands of times about the little lies or half truths. In my eyes she gives misleading information for some reason and always has. She just continues to makes excuses and says thats "thats not what I said" so she gets confrontational and we end up arguing. She says she is completely stressed out and walking on egg shells because I confront her about the lies even if they are little. I am trying keep our home a place where she feels safe and secure, can be herself, and none confrontational. Hopefully, this will allow her to open up to me and tell me how she really feels without feeling judged or criticized for her mistakes and we can begin to reconnect and communicate at a new level.

She has mentioned separation to relieve the stress but she continues to stay at home.

Yes I get it, this all takes time....7 months seems to me like eternity already.

I do feel like I am disconnecting emotionally and I'm getting better at GAL, Taking care of myself, have become a running manic, eating healthily, getting invisline, and trying to take up new hobbies and enjoying work. I see so many happy couples in the airports and across the country and wonder how in the world did I get to this place in my marriage. I love being married to my wife and really don't want anyone else. I made a covenant with God and her and its just very hard to think that this might be the end.

Any one have any experience with the lying or half-truths? Not just regarding the affair but life in General?


M44 H37
D13 S8 S6
Married 14
W is stay at home mom
ILYBNIWY:9-28-14
A started 04/2014
OM confirm 11/24/2014
Admit PA 01/05/2015
09/11/2015 W file for D and wants the moon
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 72
H
Hurt06 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 72
Sandi

Been reading a lot of your other posts on WW. I'm moving to a better place and have gone through a radical transformation fully accepting my part in our failed Marriage. No matter the outcome I feel that I will make a wonderful husband in the future from all I have learned over the past 7 months and I am learning more everyday. I am still hopeful for MR but this is out of my control as I have done all I can do and still willing to work on it if she's truly committed which at this point it appears she is not. Hence the ( tough love). If she has truly stopped the A and is now in a MLC to find herself again, what is the best approach?

Last edited by Hurt06; 03/31/15 08:00 AM.

M44 H37
D13 S8 S6
Married 14
W is stay at home mom
ILYBNIWY:9-28-14
A started 04/2014
OM confirm 11/24/2014
Admit PA 01/05/2015
09/11/2015 W file for D and wants the moon
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 72
H
Hurt06 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 72
All - I need some help plotting my next steps. Who has similar experience living with someone who is disconnected from the marriage but not taking any active steps to leave and appears to be in an MLC after an affair?

Is it against DBing to ask if she wants to see a MC?

She has agreed to see a new female MC this week.

I don't want to pursue but also don't want to push her away either!

You guys are keeping me in check and holding me accountable and I thank everyone for there help!


M44 H37
D13 S8 S6
Married 14
W is stay at home mom
ILYBNIWY:9-28-14
A started 04/2014
OM confirm 11/24/2014
Admit PA 01/05/2015
09/11/2015 W file for D and wants the moon
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
We all have. Have you actually read the books yet?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 221
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 221
Hurt,
I had this experience. After ending her A, my wife went through withdrawal. It was painful for me to have to help her get over her AP, but I had to be her support. Like your wife, my wife flat out told me that she wasn't sure that she would ever be "in love" with me again, and the thought of intimacy with me was repulsive to her (again, hard for me to swallow). One thing that I had going for me was that my wife committed to no contact with the OM and made herself transparent (as Sandy did). She told me that she had to actively push away thoughts of the OM and intentionally think about me and our family and how she should be grateful. Some days she would be in tears missing her old "friendship" with the OM. Those were hard days, with me holding her and comforting her, all the while feeling angry at the universe inside.

In my case, knowing that the A was over- and having his W's email and phone number in case there was a relapse (I had told her of the A), allowed me to work on my marriage full force. I talked to her several times a day, texted with her and we went on dates. I NEVER brought up her A. If you want to reconcile, you must put that behind you. I dated my wife. I asked questions to find out who she was- just like you would on any date. I courted her. Slowly- and I mean slowly- she started coming around. She started to like me again. Then she started to feel moments of deeper feelings (which would come and go). We didn't ML for 6 months. In other words, it took 6 months of me being a great, attentive, exciting husband and companion before my wife wasn't turned off by the thought of S with me (and at the risk of sounding like an egomaniac, I'm a good looking, in shape guy).

Stop looking for quick fixes. I wanted S with my wife (I'm a man!), but I knew that more than S, I wanted to have a new, different, marriage with my W and the 6 months let us get close again. You and your wife will need to get on the same page with your marriage philosophies soon. You will both have to agree that the old M is over, and come up with a plan to create a new, better, marriage where you both meet each other's emotional needs intentionally- every day.

Now you know MY story. Yours will be different, but you have my insight. You have also heard from Sandi, Starsky and others who are trying to get this to sink in your head. Stop repeating your questions trying to get different answers. If you are acting in your M like you post on here, it's not very attractive. I don't say that to hurt your feelings, I just want you to see yourself for a moment so that you can affect change in your life.

If the A is over, and your wife is in withdrawal, then I suggest you follow the path that those of us that have recovered have set before you. You can't be all over the place. Your W is in emotional turmoil- you can't be too. As hard as it is, someone-and that's you- has to be strong and guide the marriage relationship to calm waters.

If your W is still in an A, well, that's different.
-HS

Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 72
H
Hurt06 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 72
Originally Posted By: MrBond
We all have. Have you actually read the books yet?


Im re-reading DR for the second time smile


M44 H37
D13 S8 S6
Married 14
W is stay at home mom
ILYBNIWY:9-28-14
A started 04/2014
OM confirm 11/24/2014
Admit PA 01/05/2015
09/11/2015 W file for D and wants the moon
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 72
H
Hurt06 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 72
HS

Thanks for the honest assessment, I just vent on here about all the thoughts running through my mind to help keep a clean head when I am at home.

Thanks everyone for your honesty and helping me to hold it together while she figures this out.


M44 H37
D13 S8 S6
Married 14
W is stay at home mom
ILYBNIWY:9-28-14
A started 04/2014
OM confirm 11/24/2014
Admit PA 01/05/2015
09/11/2015 W file for D and wants the moon
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 72
H
Hurt06 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 72
Ground ZERO....well wife has asked me to move out again.... that she needs space and her health issues are because I am here in our house with our 3 children.

I am holding my ground and explained that while I respect her need for space I will not be moving out of our house and that she must do what ever she feels she needs to do even though this is not what I want. She says that as a gentleman that I need to be the one to leave because the kids have to stay with her and she will not separate from them....I have stuck to the 37 rules and gone exactly by the advice received last week on here.

She wants to take the kids and leave but I am unsure how she intends to pay for her own place. She has a 10 an hour job and works 20 hours per week. The numbers are just not there to support her decision. Of course I have not said a word about the monetary issues she doesn't seem to even acknowledge.

Any advice?


Last edited by Hurt06; 04/03/15 04:54 PM.

M44 H37
D13 S8 S6
Married 14
W is stay at home mom
ILYBNIWY:9-28-14
A started 04/2014
OM confirm 11/24/2014
Admit PA 01/05/2015
09/11/2015 W file for D and wants the moon
Page 6 of 11 1 2 4 5 6 7 8 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard