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lost18 Offline OP
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Ok, feeling guilty because I ate so crappy this weekend and did not exercise at all. OK, I'll be easy on myself because I wasn't feeling very well today...but I didn't get a ton accomplished. I got my new desk set up and started going thru the all the "stuff!" That is one thing on my be a better you that I have not done very well...the getting organized. Baby steps!

H's friend left this morning, H was a little sad to see him go. He is not a very open/trusting person so does not have many close friends. Part of me was happy to see him laugh as much as they did this weekend, the other part of me wishes we would laugh like that together.

When they were out fishing he sent a couple of pictures to me, I always like it when he texts me and it isn't necessary. He has been doing a lot of drinking lately, but even more so this weekend with his buddy. The amount of drinking he does does bother me a little bit, not that he gets mean or out of control at all (sometimes a little annoying) but he has told me that the reason he drank was to "escape" me an S19 (when he was younger). That was always a big fight with us, I thought he was too hard, he thought I was too easy, I was overprotective, etc. He has also said he drank because he was stressed out about the future and how he was going to be able to support us because I didn't seem to care (something along those lines). Realistically I know it's his choice to drink and he can't really put that burden on me...but it's always in he back of my mind when he's drinking.

And of course I'm still hung up on his phone....he left it out when he went to bed last night, not that I have the password or have attempted to figure it out but I did look to see if there were any messages or anything....nothing. Tonight, I went out to the garage to ask him something and he was texting and started laughing. He walked over to me to talk and turned his phone so I could see it (not like here look, but casually)....he's never done that before, or maybe he is always texting OW....


Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
(EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed)
insists wants D through July 2015
no more talk of D since
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 977
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Lost -
The phone & the OW is a constant topic for you and point of struggle. You have convinced yourself that there is an OW, and substantiated some of that with snooping from January and before. I think it is important for you to come to terms with the idea that you could be wrong, and that perhaps there is no other woman, or at least anymore.

Have you ever had a calm rationale conversation with him about it?


Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2
M - 8/2008
W is not happy - 1/2014
W wants D - 9/2014
W moved out - 11/2014
D filed - 1/23/2015
D'ed - 2/25/2015
Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 543
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lost18 Offline OP
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You're right Mahhhty, as a matter of fact I told my IC today that my obsession with him and his phone is ridiculous. I know that, and I know I need to let it go...my IC really didn't have any suggestions on how to do that. But she always seems very positive about the progress in our sitch. Funny, because as an insider I don't see a whole lot of progress. Patience, patience and more patience.

Wasn't feeling great yesterday, came home from work today with a terrible headache! (darn middle schoolers!) Feeling better now but I eat horribly when I don't feel well. Need to get back on track with eating (as I eat another chocolate chip cookie) and exercise! Tomorrow is a new day!


Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
(EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed)
insists wants D through July 2015
no more talk of D since
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 977
M
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Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 977
Its really hard to see progress in our situations because we are on the roller coaster distracted by the emotional excitement, the ups and downs, etc. However, when the roller coaster slows down we realize we are miles away from where we started.

I think you have made great progress.

I also think that in those times when you feel down and/or obsessed with his phone, you need to start thinking about how to effectively communicate what you want from the relationship to him. It seems that you need to understand if he wants to move into the future holding your hand or walking next to you, as opposed to walking behind. I believe that may be a 180 for you and him.

Again, I will follow that up with that you have made progress! And you should be honest with yourself about that progress, and it's positive impact.


Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2
M - 8/2008
W is not happy - 1/2014
W wants D - 9/2014
W moved out - 11/2014
D filed - 1/23/2015
D'ed - 2/25/2015
Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 543
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lost18 Offline OP
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I am burnt out! Subbing for rough group (not inner city gangs or anything) just not focused, rude, disrespectful, immature etc. Anyway, just makes me tired and cranky. After work I run then go to the store and when I get home the house is a mess, kitchen is dirty and I spend another hour or more cooking dinner. Frustrated and cranky! I was also annoyed because I texted H to see if he wanted me to pick up some beer for him...he of course responds but 10 minutes later when I text him to see if we have something I need he doesn't respond. As I was cooking/cleaning I went out in the garage a few times to empty garbage and such and he was texting once...no big deal BUT I hate the way he looks up and laughs when I walk out and he's texting...I'm over it. I know you're right Mahhhty. I'm going to have to address it soon or let it go.

Later we were watching TV and I was still crabby but trying not to act on that crabbiness. I did spend some time reflecting though. Yes I was tired from working (not use to working this much anymore) I haven't been feeling well. However, I came home to a dirty kitchen and still "had" to cook dinner. The reality of it is that I chose to cook that dinner, I could have made grilled cheese or something simple. The bigger issue is I have too many expectations, not just of H but of my kids. Not only do I have these expectations but I'm being passive-aggressive about it. Instead of asking them to help, I get frustrated and angry because they've been home (all day/hours) and DON'T do anything or offer to help.

Since I was tired I went to bed without cleaning the kitchen! Put the food away and rinsed the dishes...H was cleaning the kitchen this morning when I left!

Now that I've written that down I need to change my behavior and try not to let my crabbiness roll into all parts of my life. I have always done that...if I'm mad at one kid the others can't do anything right either.

New goals
1)ask for help around the house when needed
2)don't let crabbiness about one thing take over all of my interactions
3)keep things simple if I'm tired, frustrated or angry


Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
(EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed)
insists wants D through July 2015
no more talk of D since
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 977
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Posts: 977
Rough day Lost! Something my DB coach said once is when you feel like [expletive], take a minute and ask yourself what do you want to do in order to turn this day around? Or what could you do right now to make yourself happier.

I hope today is better.


Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2
M - 8/2008
W is not happy - 1/2014
W wants D - 9/2014
W moved out - 11/2014
D filed - 1/23/2015
D'ed - 2/25/2015
Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 543
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lost18 Offline OP
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I am so all over the map emotionally. I'm glad he's here but it is so hard at the same time. I guess I'm not doing a very good job DBing. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't.

Here is a little run down on some things that happened. Friday, he left his phone on the counter all day....wow!

I am doing a Ragnar Relay and his sister is the captain, we had the first team meeting at her house Friday. She told me to tell H to come drink beer. I told him what was going on but I guess he didn't listen because he was not happy when we got to her house and other people were there. (He does tend to be unsocial). Anyway, we were discussing the race, SIL's H is not running but he is going as well as some other spouses. Apparently H is going to go to. This is in FEB 2016...
SIL was talking about getting a reservation for a B & B after the race and asked me if we were going to stay there too? I just shrugged my shoulders and was like no clue, so she said we'll play it by ear.

Later, after everybody else left we started talking about my brother's ex and how long the D drug out and how nasty it was. SIL said something about how if her H cheated on her she would take him for everything (something along those lines). H was like "really? you would do that?" to which she replied absolutely, if he cheated on me. I did not say a word but thought that was interesting!

Today, I said my next project is going to be to paint the front door, neither H or D13 liked the color I said. Then H said I should go to Home Depot and buy one and we talked about one with a window to let some light in. A couple hours later he says, "I thought you were going to paint the door." WTF?

Then, continues to say that "I" should look into getting the windows tinted. (Can't remember exactly what he said but it was like "I" should do it, not we) I just responded "I love how you say that "I" should do that. He knows I can't really afford to do stuff like that unless he pays for it.

Later I def did not do a good job DBing....hanging out in the garage, to the point he had to take his phone to the lot next door by the boat to text. Grr.....

D16 is sick, she said she's been nauseous for a few days and was throwing up today. Of course I asked if she was pregnant (I didn't really think she was) and he said the same thing. Then we started talking about that and honestly the way he said he would handle it I did not agree with it. But it lead into another conversation about our past, when we dated the first time (5 years prior to dating again and getting married). I was asking him questions and he got mad...it was a little weird. I guess he thought I was trying to "get him to open up." He took his phone and went out in the garage, I went out there a few minutes later just to say I didn't intend to make him mad. So def should have handled that better, guess it was unexpected. Later he came in and was fine and we watched TV.

I think I need to have a conversation with him. If he is still planning on moving forward with a D than maybe he just needs to do it. Why is he dragging this out. I don't get it. I am in need of physical affection and yes sex.

I know it is against DB to bring up R talk, but does anybody have any advice how to have that conversation should I decided too?


Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
(EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed)
insists wants D through July 2015
no more talk of D since
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 543
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lost18 Offline OP
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Here are some things I figured out today: The reason I believe he got upset yesterday is because the conversation was too personal. We can talk about the kids, politics, family, sports, other people etc. But not anything personal like that...I guess there is pros and cons to that...the fact that he was upset could mean that he does actually care or maybe he just is not willing to get personal with me anymore. I know, I know, stop focusing on him...easy to say, hard to do.

Also, I think part of the reason I'm having such a hard time is because I have no idea what is working and what isn't. Or, maybe nothing is working. He's all over the map with some things but has been pretty constant with the no physical contact and sleeping in separate rooms since day 1.

Today I came home from running and he was in the yard with a sales guy from TruGreen lawn. He scheduled them to come do our lawn. We had talked about this a couple of years ago and he didn't want to spend the money (he was making much more $$ then!) I'm excited that we may get a lawn back but again it's one of those things that I just don't get but will go with it.

Going to try to continue to GAL more. I have a pretty busy week, working all week again. I ran tonight, HS softball game tomorrow, run Wed, a bbq at the beach with friends on Thurs and I should have a softball game on Friday.

Last edited by lost18; 04/07/15 04:06 AM.

Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
(EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed)
insists wants D through July 2015
no more talk of D since
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 977
M
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Offline
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Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 977
Originally Posted By: lost18
I think I need to have a conversation with him. If he is still planning on moving forward with a D than maybe he just needs to do it. Why is he dragging this out. I don't get it. I am in need of physical affection and yes sex.

I know it is against DB to bring up R talk, but does anybody have any advice how to have that conversation should I decided too?


Lost -
I've been hit or miss lately, but I have been thinking about you. I wish things were going better for your situation.

I'm going to be honest... I think you should talk to him, but I don't think you have able to talk to him rationally in a detached mode, which I think would be more effective (Obviously this is all just my thoughts). He holds the card, he knows that and you know that. He still holds the card b/c his actions have impact or your immediate state.

It might be time to come up with some questions you want to ask him, and talk them out on the board.


Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2
M - 8/2008
W is not happy - 1/2014
W wants D - 9/2014
W moved out - 11/2014
D filed - 1/23/2015
D'ed - 2/25/2015
Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 543
L
lost18 Offline OP
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Posts: 543
Yes, you're right I am no where near detached. Does he hold the cards? Yes and no. He does to a point, he knows D isn't what I want which allows him to continue with what he's doing. On the other hand, I can make him show his hand...I'm choosing not to at this point because I'm not ready.

Definitely need to keep working on me. Going to focus on more GAL. I went to a BBQ at the beach last night and saw friends I haven't seen in a while. That's always nice.

H had taken D13 to practice as as always she texts me "what's for dinner?" on their way home. I told he I wasn't home and she asked where I was. I gave her short answers. When I got home I went in the garage to talk to H (D13 had her 1st physical therapy appointment for a knee injury) about her appt. She came out and started asking who was at the BBQ. Was so and so there? He must have only heard the last couple of names and asked "oh, was it with your running friends?" I simply said "no," and went in the house.

Tonight I have a softball game and will probably go out with some teammates afterwards as usual. I have nothing planned for the weekend besides cleaning my house and maybe some yard work and grocery shopping. I'm not used to working full-time and I've been subbing everyday for the past few weeks. I should make a point to do at least one fun thing this weekend! Also, talked to some of my friends last night and we are going to plan a girls night (Painting with a Twist!).

It is H's birthday on Saturday. I'm sure the girls will want to get him something and we'll get a cake and and maybe go to dinner...not sure yet.

Hopefully the weekend will bring good things for everybody!


Last edited by lost18; 04/10/15 01:45 PM.

Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
(EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed)
insists wants D through July 2015
no more talk of D since
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